Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Alone



I don't want to be alone.  Bill went to the VA this morning.  That is usually a half day affair because the Wilmington VAMC is 89 miles way from where we live in southern Delaware.  Bill catches the American Legion Post 28 van at 6 am in the morning.  There are other vets in the van.  They all have appointments in the morning at the VA.  Usually the appointments are finished at 11 or 12 pm then they all load into the van and take the hour and a half trip back to their homes in Sussex County, Delaware.

When Bill goes on these trips to the VA in Wilmington is the only time I am alone in the house.  Bill is always here.  I kid him about it but I am glad he is here all the time because I don't want to be alone.

In a way I relish the time he is away because I can do things I normally wouldn't do when he is here.  This morning I shampooed all the rugs in the house.  What a job that was!  I'll hear it from him but I dare not shampoo rugs when he is here because I'll never hear the end of it.  So I take my opportunities where I can.

Bill and I have been living together since February of 1965. Prior to Bill I lived by myself for a couple of years in Coatesville, PA.  I had an efficiency apartment.  I was on my own.  I didn't have to explain anything to anybody.  I came and went as I pleased.  And I was very lonely.  I was a Lonely Boy.

Then along came Bill.  He used to visit me in my apartment on the weekends from his home in New Jersey which was two hours away.  Every weekend he would visit me.  Then the trips became he would pick me up and take me to his apartment in Pennsuaken, New Jersey.  Yes, he would make the trip to Coatesville, PA to pick me up, take me to his apartment, then take me back to Coatesville, then drive home.  Who else would do that for me?  I have that answer...NO ONE.

Eventually Bill asked me to move in with him.  After some reluctance I agreed.  It was the best decision I ever made in my life.  Of course over the past forty-seven years of living together (in two apartments and three houses), I have thought about living by myself.  At times it seemed attractive but when it actually happens, like this morning, I realize I don't want to live alone.

Bill and I are at the age now where that one of us might be living alone sometime in the future.  It will probably be me because Bill is 83 and I'm 70 years old.  Neither one of us are spring chickens.

I think about the possibility of living alone more often these days that I did in my Carefree Youth.  To be very honest, it scares the hell out of me.  Oh sure, I could find someone to live with me but there will never be another Bill.  No one who cares of me the way he does nor someone I would care for.  At my age I'm a prime Sugar Daddy target or another single Old Guy.  Neither will work with me.  You know what they say about us old guys being set in their ways?  IT'S TRUE!  I could never live with anybody else.  Never.

So here I am, wondering what the future will bring.  I guess I'll have to get a Little Buddy like a cat or a Pomeranian dog.  Yes, that's what I'll do.  Being alone sucks.

My friend Larry yesterday on FaceTime with one of his "friends", Canterbury the Cat
I'll ask him if he has a spare cat when that time comes

6 comments:

  1. I am very confused by this post. You recently posted this comment at my place:

    "Privacy and never having to explain ANYTHING to anyone...that's a BIGGIE. I miss it. I envy all you single guys who can come and go as you please without having to tell where you're going, what you're doing and when you will be back. Life on a leash, after all this time I'm still not used to it. Savor your freedom."

    I scratch my head again on this one.

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  2. Ron,

    Oh yeah, I'm sure we could find a cat for you. The one in the photo isn't Canterbury, by the way. It is Thorn, a very loving cat and very soft.

    Lar

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  3. the cajun,

    I feel both ways. When I'm on a short leash I wish to be free but when I am confronted with the reality of being ALONE I don't want it. It is very complicated.

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  4. Lar,

    One of these days, I'll take you up on your cat offer! I want one just like Thorn. Soft and lovable.

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  5. I enjoy being alone, which makes it hard for me to resonate but I do know what you mean.

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  6. Dr. Spo,

    I knew you would understand (unlike The Cajun). That's just another reason why I like and respect you.

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