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| June 22, 2002 - me and three of my high school classmates from Class of 1959 at a class reunion. The man on the left contacted me because he knew he had terminal brain cancer and wanted to see his classmates one more time. He had already lost an eye. He was a former Buddhist monk. He died peacefully with is wife by his side about six months after this picture was taken. I'll always remember what he told me when he first told me his cancer was terminal. I didn't know how to respond and I said "I don't know what to say." He r responded "Oh, that's alright. I was always curious to see what was on the Other Side." I always remembered him saying that. Now I may find out myself in the not too distant future. The guy in the back also has passed on. He also died peacefully. He was going to go out one Saturday morning shopping with his son when he told his son he wasn't feeling good and he sat down in his favorite easy chair. He died a short time there after. That's the way to go. He was also my inspiration. The woman in the front, who I had a crush on in high school (I sat behind her in home room, we were seated alphabetically, her name is Timmerman and mine Tipton - that's the way they assigned students seats in the last century, is a longtime cancer survivor and is still making waves, God bless her! |
Here we are in the new year of 2026.
Happy New Year everyone!
This new year I am faced with the question do I jump on the medical treadmill again to fight the possible return of my prostate cancer? I'm of mixed emotions about what decision to make. At my age do I even pay attention to my prostate cancer since it is the slowest growing cancer and I'll probably die of something else? Or do I begin treatments and possibly go down the road my younger brother went down a few years ago? My brother had a blood disease. He went three years of grueling treatments. He died cancer free. His cause of death was organ failure. Yes folks, "The operation was a success but the patient is dead." So this is the question I am facing this new year. I haven't made my decision yet.
My doctor wanted to remove my prostate but I said no. I'm not going to take a chance of being incontinent the rest of my life. I've known too many men who had their prostate removed and they were incontinent. No thank you, that's affecting my quality of life and I have a bad enough time of it as it is with my arthritis and mobility problems. I don't need to add a catheter and a pee bottle on my leg.
He also wants to take a biopsy of my prostate. I may do that but not right now. I had that done before, without anesthesia, and it is no picnic. And don't anyone tell me otherwise, I know for some it was "no big thing." For me it was very painful, humiliating and bloody. I go from my own experience. My doctor told me he would put me to sleep if I decided to have another biopsy. That's the only way I will do it. My previous doctor, while maybe technically competent, had a terrible bedside manner. It was all money, get as many patients in as possible and out as quickly as possible. God forbid he should miss bringing his billings from Medicare down. As I said, an awful bedside manner. Never had more than a minute or two to talk to me. Always in a rush. That's why I changed doctors. I wasn't alone.
What my doctor and I decided to do was wait six months, take my labs again (blood test) to check my PSA score again to see if there is any change, up or down. Probably not down, if it just stays steady that would be a good sign. We've also schedule a PET-SCAN for me in June to check my body to see if the cancer has spread. When my doctor first told me about the PET-SCAN "to see if the cancer has spread", I didn't fully digest the import of that statement. But now I do. He's dealt with hundreds if not thousands of prostate cancer patients like me and he should know. I know there are two men I know who had prostate cancer treatment years ago, and that prostate cancer came back and they died of it. Of course I could die of something else, but I suspect the prostate cancer is the medical condition that is going to take me out. God, I hope I don't go like Bill. It was a long drawn out process for Bill too, although I did turn down the treatments the doctors offered for that 90 year plus old man. One was opening his skull to ease the swelling on his brain after he had a stroke and fell and had a brain concussion. I opted out of that one for Bill and I'm glad I did. I took my chances. I did that because I asked the doctor what would be his chances of recovery if I approved that procedure. He said "Bill would probably not survive and if he did he would be a vegetable." Yes, that's what he said. Why did he even ask me then? That was an easy decision on my part. Bill also had problems swallowing, he could only take liquids. His esophagus was shredded. The doctors suggested an operation but I turned that down too because Bill's chances or survival from that operation as a 93 year old man were minimal. I think sometimes these doctors want to experiment on old men in this vulnerable state.
Bill wanted to die. Actually, he didn't want to die because he wanted to be with me but he was suffering so much he welcomed death. When his time came, the last three days in hospice, I watched him on his bed, mouth agape. No water, no food. Just an occasional sponge on the lips. I often wondered what was going on in his unconscious mind. I am horrified to think that may be wanted to get out of there. He did struggle to get out when they first took him in. They had to increase his dosage to keep him unconscious. I swear to God, we treat our animals better at Death's Door than we do our humans. At least now Delaware has a right to die law which went into effect today. There was a last minute court case trying to nullify the law but a judge threw it out two days ago. There's always some busybody trying to tell others how to live their lives of end them.
So now on this New Year's Day I'm looking at six months of living my normal life, or as normal as it has been for an 84 year old with mobility problems who likes to sleep a lot. Then come this June I check to see if I my prostate cancer has returned, and if it has, do I get treatment or not. Don't feel bad for me having this decision on my mind for the next six months, I've actually had this on my mind for the last thirteen years ever since I was given a prostate cancer diagnosis. I always knew it would return one day, I'm just fortunate it took thirteen years. I still have my mental facilities, can move around and live independently. I can still see (Bill was blind) and I can swallow food. All plusses. I'm a lot better off than many my age and of course, I'm still alive after many of my contemporaries have long since left the scene.
One thing I know now after contemplating my mortality. If and when I die I can't take anything with me which at times saddens me but now I'm coming to realization that "things" aren't important in life. Yes, "things" comfort one in life but what is really important is love. The love you give and the love you receive. I think those are lyrics to a Beatles song. Whatever. I know now that's why I met Pat because for many years, when I first became aware that I wasn't immortal, I didn't want to die alone. I assumed Bill would die before me. I actually preferred that because I couldn't bear to leave him alone in this world. Bill wanted us to die together but that probably wasn't going to happen unless we were in an automobile accident and we which (gallows humor) often joked about "It would hurt too much."
I think my life is going according to plan. I met Pat thirteen years ago, just about the same time I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. In fact he thought he lost me just after he met me. One of the first things I told Pat was "You're the one is going to hold my hand when I pass on." He thought I was being overly dramatic (which I tend to be) but I was serious. Now that Pat and I are married, should that time come, there will be no complications that my husband will be with me when I make that Final Journey. A Journey that all of us has awaiting for us sometime in the future.
What a New Year's post huh? Just posting about my life folks, as I've always done since I began this blog twenty years ago. My little post script for history should someone one hundred or five hundred years ago find and wonder what life was like for schlubs like me way back in "ancient times."
My belief is that we're just here on earth to learn a love. It is as simple as that. We're not here like it's some test to pass before a vengeful God an we're judged at our death if we're good enough to get into Heaven. No, that's not why we're here on earth. This is just a school live we went to school first grades through twelve. We're here to learn. After we die we get a review of our life, not judgement but just a review to see what we did good and what we could do better. I believe this. By the way, Bill was back again last night via that burned out Christmas light. He was blinking away wishing me a happy new year.
I'm pretty sure when I go, which will happen one day, no one can dispute that, I will be reunited with him and I will be reunited with our pets and my family including my brother, Mother and father. I'm also looking forward to reuniting with old friends who made the crossover many years before now.
Remember folks, life is all about learning and loving.
Now, on this first day in the year 2026 I begin this new chapter of my life. And what a life I have had and continue to have!
