This morning I had my annual ultra sound to check on the aneurism I have on my aorta valve. The technician said that it "looked better" than the image he took last year. He said it either "got better" or last year's picture was at a different/bad angle. He checked several angles this time and my aorta aneurism hadn't changed, which is GOOD NEWS.
That means for now I can put at rest the need for finding someone to care for Bill should I need surgery. No surgery for now or for the rest of my life I hope! I've had enough surgery in my life.
Now to continue with our life here on this rainy early winter day in southern Delaware.
It was nice while it lasted, my brief respite from doctors' appointments.
Tomorrow at 8:45 I have an appointment at my cardiologist's office for a vascular test. I've never had a vascular test before. I know I have hardening of my arteries. I'm old. I've read up on vascular testing and was relieved to find that it's not invasive or painful. Thank God, I've had enough of those procedures to last me a lifetime.
So they find I have hardening of my arteries. What's next? A stent? That could be anything from an outpatient procedure to a four to seen day hospital stay. Who will take care of Bill if I'm in the hospital? He can't take care of himself. I have an idea in mind. No strangers in our house though.
In a couple of weeks I am also scheduled for something called a Dopler test. I'll have to read up on that but again it is yet another test for my failing heart.
I also have my annual full body check at my dermatologist coming up in two weeks. That's painful because I have to expose my sagging body to the (usual) very nice young lady who checks out this body that's been around the track more than a few times. Almost always they find something to burn off. Hopefully no more skin cancer sightings and just the pre cancerous keratosis lesions that they have been burning off for the past forty years. All that working on my tan in my Foolish Youth, I'm paying the price now.
These days I have a constant respiratory problem. Phlegm constantly builds up on the base of my throat causing me to always clearing my throat. I take daily medication for this condition so at least I don't have the sensation of feeling like I'm choking. The medication moderates the condition but doesn't remove it.
One condition I have that is causing me concern in the weakness in my legs. I'm unsteady on my feet. I find it extremely difficult to climb stairs. And when I get down on the floor or ground, it is extremely difficult for me to get up because of the weakness in the back of my upper legs. I've had this condition going on over twenty-five years or more now. One of the reasons I wanted to move from our home in Pennsylvania that our house was on the side of a hill which I found difficult to walk around outside. I also had a problem walking upstairs to my bedroom and bathroom in that two story farmhouse style house. Here my bedroom is right round from the kitchen. We have three floors in this house though. When I go upstairs or downstairs to Bill's bedroom I have to hand on the bannister. I manage but it is getting more difficult.
I'm falling apart folks. Incrementally, but inevitably I am deteriorating. Now that I've bemoaned my failing physical condition I remind myself how lucky I am that I am still about to get around on my own and care for Bill. My eyesight is great now after my cataract surgery. I can hear good, even though I occasionally need my new hearing aids at the end of the day. My audiologist says I don't have "profound hearing loss" like Bill. By the way he has an audiology appointment next week.
Yes, even though I have this myriad of medical issues I am way better off than many of my contemporaries. I take nothing for granted folks. And I am appreciative that I can still drive my car and otherwise function around the house here. Granted, I did realize my limitations when I had that kitten for a couple weeks. As much as I loved that kitten (and yes, I still miss her, she was a sweetheart) caring for her showed me I do have limitations.
Now it is time for our Daily Ride. Today I'm making one of my almost daily trips to our local Food Lion supermarket. Have to get more egg nog for Bill's oatmeal. He LOVES that egg nog. It's made locally. Contains about 2,000 calories per cup, and cost $9.99. Yes, $9.99. That's up from $4.99 last year.
Folks, I try to restrain from getting too political on my blog but I just couldn't pass up this new campaign ad against Herschel Walker, the Trump picked Republican who is running for senator in Georgia. First of all Herschel doesn't even live in Georgia (he lives in Texas). Yeah, that works out real well Trump. Remember how Trump chose Dr. Oz, who lives in New Jersey to run for senator in Pennsylvania?
Today's MAGA Republicans and their cowardly enablers, have truly hit rock bottom with Herschel Walker. My God, the man is dumb as a rock.
Ally Mason and Mary Tipton now Mason at their wedding
Yesterday, my cousin Mary Tipton (first cousin once removed, her father John and I are first cousins) was married to her sweetheart Ally Mason. Bill and I were invited to the wedding but unfortunately we couldn't attend because of health and my caregiving responsibilities. Oh how I would like to have attended though.
Mary is one of four daughters of one of my favorite cousins, John Tipton. He has four beautiful daughters and he is one of the best dads around. I am so happy for them.
Cousin John with three of his beautiful daughters
Seeing my cousin getting married so publicly I can't help by remember the Bad Old Days when such a thing was unthinkable, a marriage between same sex couples. I can imagine what my Mother would say.
I never thought I would see the day where my relatives and others would so freely lives their lives even though they are gay. My brother's granddaughter is openly gay. She came out in high school and never apologized or looked back. Good for her!
Of course there have always been gays in our family, they just had to hide in the closet. I think of my Uncle George, my Mother's older brother. Every family has the Gay Uncle. I'm the Gay Uncle in my family.
George Lincoln Hadfield, Jr. - U. S. Army World War II
Uncle George never married (of course). I told my Mother that her brother was probably gay but she refused to believe it. I didn't press the point. I remember fondly when Uncle George used to come our house at Christmastime with our Christmas present, a money envelope. I always used to get a special feeling when he came around. Oh how I wish I could talk to him today about what his life was like growing up. He was born in 1920 and died in 1982.
Never in a million years did I think I would live long enough to see gay people live openly and love just like their straight counterparts. Even though these days The Right is trying to resurrect anti gay bias, the toothpaste is out of the tub folks. We're here and we aren't going anywhere, especially back in the closet.
Have a happy life cousin Mary with your love Ally!
Jose and his landscaping crew helping me to keep a respectable house in the neighborhood
Pictured are my "Nice Landscaping" crew which I hired to do my fall cleanup. Jose is the leader. I had to catch him before he returned to Mexico for his three month winter solstice.
There was a time when I was able to do my own fall cleanup. That was in the past. I noticed about ten years ago my body refused to cooperate with the all day labor required to do a proper fall cleanup. Year by year I noticed that I could no longer complete all my gardening chores.
I remember those times when we lived in Pennsylvania. I would come home from working all day at the bank and work until dark on our 6.875 acres of land and think nothing of it. Of course that was over twenty years ago when I was a young whippersnapper of forty-five to fifty years old. I'm eighty-one years now. I have trouble walking. My endurance level is rapidly sinking. I seem to be exhausted all the time. I need my afternoon nap just to stay awake at night.
My Mother encountered the same situation when she was in her sixties. She was used to working all day at Pepperidge Farms (frozen foods division, layer cake), coming home and hoeing four to eight rows of corn, and preparing a dinner for her family. By the way, remember when we used to all sit down for dinner? Wow, that was a different time wasn't it? But I digress. She noticed she was tired and went to the doctor to find out what the problem was. He asked her how old she was (he already knew). She told him and he responded "You're older. Your body is telling you to slow down. Conserve hour energy." Of course I'm paraphrasing but that's the first time she was confronted with the reality of getting older. Same here folks. I'm old and I need HELP with my backyard chores.
Having said all this, I still enjoy working outside in our backyard oasis. I especially love my new pond which has clear water now that the cold has killed whatever algae was living there. Jose, my landscaper helper, realized that when he said he would leave some for me to do. Not that there isn't always something to do. Always!
Jose and his crew did a great job. Today I texted Devon of Power Washing to clean our front sidewalk and porch from the algae and dirt that had accumulated over the summer from all the vegetation. I think I've made my last lawn mowing pass. Time to settle in for the winter cold.
In years past at this time I would be preparing for my annual late fall trip to Philadelphia with Pat to visit our friend Don. For the third year in a row we won't be doing that because of my caregiving responsibilities for Bill. We would also be preparing for our annual trip to Palm Springs in late January and early February for Modernism Week. Again for the third year in a row we won't be making that trip either. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will make any trips again. But I can't fret over that possibility because my first priority is caring for Bill, who is well on is way to reaching one hundred years of age. We joke about that goal all the time but it is a real possibility because he's only six years away from one hundred years of age. And we all know how fast six years go by. And another factor, would I even want to travel six years from now because I would be 87 years old! These are the things I think about folks. However, for the time being we have our routine here which we have settled into. We have these occasional "bumps"in the road (like the little kitty I recently adopted but had to give up, who I still miss) but things could be a lot worse. We actually have a pretty good life here so I will continue to hire help to help us keep Casa Tipton-Kelly in tip top shape.
Thanksgiving dinner 2003 at my friend's house - my last formal Thanksgiving dinner
My brother Isaac asked me a few days ago "What are you doing for Thanksgiving?" This is a question I was often asked when I had a job. I hated that question.
In the past I almost always worked on Thanksgiving Day. That was my preference, not a big sacrifice on my part.
Oh for sure I appreciate what Thanksgiving stands for. I have much to be thankful for. Some of which I will list later in this blog post. But as for the day itself, I think that's for extended families My brother Isaac has an extended family. Either his son or his daughter invite him to their Thanksgiving dinner with their families.
Once a few years ago a good friend and former longtime school classmate invited me to his families' Thanksgiving dinner. That was nice. His wife had brined the turkey the night before which resulted in the best turkey I ever tasted. The rest of the meal and the family gathering was wonderful. I so appreciated that he invited me but I suspect he was trying to fix me up with his single cousin. I did notice we were conveniently paired up. She was nice but the ploy didn't work. I'm gay. I have a husband. And a good friend. Nice try.
This year I'm not working so I will be at home with Bill. Our day will be like any other day. No complaints here other than I would like to have a turkey dinner but I'm just not going to go to all that trouble for myself. But that doesn't mean I'm not thankful. Here are a few things I'm thankful for:
That I'm able to care for Bill
That I'm still here after 81 years
That I'm in relative good health for an 81 year old
That I have a beautiful, comfortable home in a relatively friendly state for gay people (never completely free from homophobia).
That our home is paid for - for that I am VERY thankful for!
That I still have good friends after having lost so many friends to death.
That I live in this country, imperfect as it is, I would rather live no where else in the world.
There are many more things I am thankful for, but these few are the first that come to my mind.
I hope you all have an equally thankful Thanksgiving.
"Jim" preparing our meal in my shabby furnished apartment in Coatesville, PA circa 1963, a whole lifetime ago
Ever wonder what happened to your first boyfriend?
Lately I've been reviewing my past life (I'm really old at 81 year now).
Sixty years ago when I was 21 years old was the first time I went to a gay bar.
The year was 1963 and I was recently out of the Army after a three year stint.
My first gay bar was actually in Clairton, Pennsylvania, near Pittsburgh. I lived in Pittsburgh for three months but was very lonely. I didn't know what was all involved in being gay, believe it or not. I'll go into that in a later blog post. I have gone into my gay awakening in previous blog posts but I can do it again for those who haven't read my old posts.
Anyway, I moved back to my hometown of Downingtown. I got an apartment in Coatesville, Pennsylvania, near my former home with my parents. I still wanted to get "involved" in the gay life but on familiar ground and with friends nearby. As I said before I was very lonely in Pittsburgh. I only went to Pittsburgh after I got out of the Army because a friend of mine from the Air Force lived there. I didn't want to come out near where my parents lived because I didn't want to embarrass them. Remember, this was the Bad Old Times when being a HOMOSEXUAL was illegal and a shame that a family just couldn't deal with.
After I got my apartment in Coatesville I began going to the Westbury Bar in center city Philadelphia at 15th and Spruce Streets with my friends Ed and Ron H. One night I met a very nice guy who was about three years old than me whose name was Jim Groh.
He liked me and I liked him. I don't remember the exact details of our first "time" but I do remember he didn't have a car nor did I. Coatesville is about forty-two miles west of Philadelphia. Jim would take the train out from Philadelphia on a Friday night and we would spend the weekend together at my dumpy, two room, furnished apartment in Coatesville.
We enjoyed each others' company. We would usually play board games, cook, take a walk and talk and of course get in bed together. For several months that worked for us but me, being a young ready to go gay guy just discovering himself, wanted to "go out" again. Jim was reluctant to go out, back to the bar but he relented under my pressure. It didn't go well.
When we were in the Westbury he wasn't going to let me met anyone else. He literally had me cornered in the bar. Way too protective. Oh no, I wasn't ready to settle down. Whatever you think of me, that's just the way I felt in those heady days.
A few weeks after that disastrous visit to the Westbury Bar I broke off our relationship.
The last time I saw Jim was at Broad and Chestnut Streets in Philadelphia. By then I was with Bill (who didn't mind me "going out"). I had some of Jim's water color paintings and he wanted them back which, of course I was going to return them to him. I had arranged to met Jim outside the bank where I worked at lunchtime. As I gave him his watercolor pictures I saw the sadness on his face. I've never seen him since.
The past year or so I've been recalling different episodes of my early life, wondering who was still alive. Almost all of my previous boyfriends have died. However, I think I found Jim. I did an Internet search and found a "James A. Groh" who lives in an apartment in Northeast Philadelphia. The age was appropriate (three years old than me) and the "A" in his middle name stands for "Alexander." I wrote him a letter and sent it to his address but I haven't received an answer. I'm still pretty sure that "Jim" is my "Jim" so I have to assume he doesn't want to reconnect.
In years past I have contacted previous friends, both amorous and just friends. Two responded but not in person. Both have since died before I really had a chance to talk to them to find out what their lives were like the past fifty years or so. One didn't respond but did let us know (he was Bill's friend before me) he didn't want to reconnect. He also has since died.
So I will make one more attempt to reconnect with Jim with this blog post. If you're out there Jim let me know. If not, I understand, you have moved on. But if you do read this blog post know that I always cared for you and have often thought of you over the years and wondered what kind of life you had. I have always appreciated the kindness and generosity you showed to me when I was a young, foolish and selfish twenty-one year old gay guy. I hope you have had a good and rewarding life. And by the way, I still have that forty-five place setting you gave to me for Christmas in 1963.
Jim and me horse playing. These are the only two photos I have of us.
Sadly I have to report that Fiona the kitten no longer lives with us.
She came into our house November 4th. I returned her to the ASPCA on November 15th.
I am embarrassed and ashamed that I had to take this drastic action.
I take full responsibility for making the mistake of adopting a cat, especially a kitten, at this time of our lives.
I had to return her because she was exhausting both of us with her activity and destructiveness.
Fiona had two modes, either she was sleeping or she was racing around the house, climbing curtains, jumping on counters, playing with wires, getting behind (and sometimes stuck) tight spots (the refrigerator, I had to pull it out to get her when she couldn't get out).
When she first came I would have a playtime with her which she loves as you can tell by the video I posted on this blog. When she wasn't playing she wanted to lie in my lap, all the time. I did want a lap cat but she wanted to me in my lap every time she saw me sitting. I got to where I was standing up when I ate at our counter she would jump my clawing on my jacket. Of course she was always on our kitchen counter, even though she knew she should be there (she left paw prints on my cooktop).
During her stay I almost lost one of my favorite vases when it toppled over when she jumped on my Mother's doily to get to that table. I just caught the vase as it was falling to the ground. I had to put the vase away.
Then she was jumping up on the plants in the sun room. I had to take the plants out.
Of course she was clawing our living room furniture.
She loved to race around the house. I tried to wear her out with a laser light toy. All that did was wear me out.
Day by day I was wearing out, exhausted. I wasn't having time for Bill or Pat, who calls me frequently on FaceTime. Bill even said "You care more for that cat than you do me." He wouldn't have anything to do with her and I could understand his feelings.
When I was having my daily FaceTime with Pat, he noticed that I was paying more attention to the kitten in my lap than I was to him. Pat was too nice to say anything but I could tell he was, how should I say it, disappointed in the change in our relationship.
Fiona is a sweet, loving kitty but I was slowly coming to the realization that my life was changing, permanently for the rest of my life with these two most important men in my life.
The final straw happened on Sunday,November 13th, when she made a flying leap on one of Bill's antique lamps in our living room and knocked it over. Thank goodness the lamp didn't break but that was it. Bill said "I wish we didn't have that cat!" but he was willing to let me keep her. He said "We have a lot of nice things here" which we do and I realized that we soon wouldn't have a lot of nice things as long as we had a kitten living with us. I told him, "I'm taking her back." He said "Oh God! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! He was so relieved. I was too.
Part of my responsibility in taking care of Bill is to keep his remaining time here on this earth as stress free as possible. And I have to keep my health in order to take care of him. It was very irresponsible of my to think that I could take a kitten in our household at this time. And of course it's not fair to the kitten either, she deserves a home where she can be herself, even though she proved herself to be a "live wire" as my brother (who has had a cat companion for ten years) told me when I told him of my travails. I was naive and foolish to think I could bring a kitten in our house and selfish of course.
I couldn't return her to the ASPCA until Tuesday, at 12 PM, November 15th. The ASPCA is closed on Mondays.
If I had any second thoughts about returning her they were quickly dismissed the night before when she was at my bedroom door at 2:30 AM meowing. She wanted in. I had made the decision when I first brought her home that she wasn't to sleep with me. She was content to sleep in her favorite hiding place behind Bill's recliner until that Monday night or early morning. I tried to go back to sleep but she wasn't having it. She wanted in. So I got up and went into the kitchen to be with her.
Now I had to kill time until 12 PM when I could return her. I went into the kitchen and turned on the TV and played on of my recorded shows. While that was playing in the background I cleaned all my kitchen counters. She was content to be with me. And I did like the little sweet thing. She is adorable but as much as I knew I would miss her I convinced myself that the sooner I parted ways with her and returned to my normal life would be best. I had already bonded with her, and she with me, but the longer she stayed the more bonding would occur and the harder it would be to part ways. Best to cut the cord now.
I called the shelter and told them I was returning her. Of course my $150 adoption fee was not refundable but I have no problem with that. To me that $150 is going to a good cause, an animal shelter. I asked them if they could use all the amenities that I had purchased for Fiona with included two litter trays (one domed and one open), a cat condo (which she rarely used), a cat bed (she she never used, she preferred my lap of the chair with a pillow seat under the dining table), cat food, cat snacks, litter pellets and pads (and I just had brought about several month's worth from Walmart the previous day), and the cat toys (which she loved). All told about $400 for my stupid mistake of thinking two old men could live with a lively kitten. For once I didn't feel bad about "wasted" money because I don't consider this wasted money. It all goes to the shelter.
Another thing I didn't take into consideration was how much having a cat would restrict my travel plans. Just didn't think too much about it until I realized I would have to either get a cat sitter or board her. Very expensive propositions not to mention being stressful for the cat. I had briefly considered bringing the cat with us (me and Pat) but then dismissed that foolish idea because that wouldn't be a vacation, having to be concerned about her welfare and of course the trip would be just a stressful for her.
So where do I stand now? Of course I miss her. Even though she was only her for a very short period of time we did bond and I grew to love her. But as long as I'm caring for Bill and should Bill pass while I'm still alive (and that's no guarantee) I will continue to be cat free as long as I can travel (and that's no guarantee either with my health). But should Bill pass before me I would like to make a cross country trip with Pat to Palm Springs. Once before I die I would like to see the middle of this country instead of just the coasts which is all I have seen. Even when I joined the Army to "see the world" I never got off the East Coast in my whole three year enlistment (New Jersey, Maryland, and Massachusetts).
If there comes a time when I can't travel and I'm here along I may consider getting a cat but definitely not a kitten but an adult cat. Maybe I'll foster a series of cats before I find the one that would fit in my lifestyle at that time my life, assuming of course that I'm still alive and mobile (not guarantee either).
Thus another chapter of my very eventful life has concluded. All these years I wanted a cat (since I was ten years old). I got one and it turned out to be disastrous. I would never have dreamed that outcome but I feel confident that Fiona is now in a hope where she can spend a happy and contented life and will soon forget her brief foray in the House Of Old Men.
Fiona about an hour before I put her in the very nice cat carrier that I just got from Amazon. Yes, I left the cat carrier at the shelter too. I think she knew something was up. It will be a while before I get over this mistake. I'm pretty sure she's forgotten about us already. Have a good life Fiona!
The lying, election denying Trump cultist Republicans were braying about a "Red Tsunami", the Republicans taking over both houses of Congress, for months.
They were encouraged by President Biden's low approval rating, gas prices, and inflation.
I agree with them that President Biden does have low approval, even from me (he's a terrible communicator), gas prices and inflation. But am I willing to give up my freedom to let the Republicans, who want to eliminate Social Security and Medicare? To deny the right of a woman to make personal decisions about her own body? To put me into a second class category by delegitimizing my marriage to Bill? I think not.
I was worried about this election. What a relief to see Nevada senator Catherine Cortez Matos elected to the Senate thus assuring continued Democratic control of the Senate and thus appointments of judges for at least the next two years.
How ironic that the Chief Obstructionist Mitch McConnell will not be Senate Majority Leader because of his lifelong quest to pack the Supreme Court by denying Barrack Obama's Supreme court nominee Merrick Garland, thus paving the way for the repeal of Roe versus Wade. And the repeal of Roe versus Wade brought out the vote this mid-term and was probably the main reason there wasn't a Red Tsunami.
Now the Orange Jesus (otherwise known as Donald J. Trump) is going to declare his third run for the presidency. Go for it Donald, you fool.
Now I can sleep nights or at least for the next two years.
By the way, I'm typing this with a cat in my lap. I think I've set a precedent with Little Miss Muffet that's going to be hard to break.
Hard for me to believe but I am eighty-one years old today!
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
I wish I could write a longer blog post about this momentous milestone I've reached today, but I have a cold. Bill also has a cold. All I want to do is sleep now.
Wouldn't you know I have a cold just when I have a kitten in the house at the same time. A kitten who I am training not to jump up on counters and curtains and me with claws extended. Right now she is sleeping in my lap, where she likes to spend most of her time. Her preferred nap location in my lap makes typing this blog somewhat awkward but still doable.
I have lots to write folks, especially about the mid terms election results (John Fetterman won in Pennsylvania!) but for now I just want to go to bed.
"Fiona" and me at the Georgetown SPCA. I may rename her "Phantom" because of her black half mask and her already habit of disappearing in our house then suddenly reappearing.
Yes, I finally got a cat!
After seventy plus years of wanting to get a cat after my father gave my gray tabby "Bobby" away to the SPCA when I was ten years old, I got a cat.
Me and "Bobby"
Over the years I've had to pass many opportunities to adopt stray cats (interesting stories which I will relate in future blog posts) and living with Bill who absolutely forbade me getting a cat, he (much to my surprise) finally relented this past Saturday after I got a CAT-SCAN (no pun intended), he said "If you want to get a cat, get a cat." This was in response to me complaining about yet another mouse sighting in our house (the fabled Casa Tipton-Kelly).
I wasted no time and headed down to the Brandywine Georgetown SPCA (the same "Brandywine SPCA" by the way that my Bobby was turned into lo these many years ago), and saw that it wasn't opened yet. Then I went to Petsmart to see their adoptable cats. I saw two I was interested in. A five year old female tabby called "Tiki" who was turned in because her owner died suddenly. And the other cat I was interested in was a three month old gray kitten who was a stray found wandering behind a Walmart. Before I made a decision though I wanted to check out what cats were available for adoption at the Georgetown SPCA. I walked in (it was open by now) and immediately saw a small cage outside of the main area with three kittens, all siblings. One all black, another black with white chest and feet, and "Fiona", a calico. The others were her brothers (I think). I immediately wanted her.
I went through all the paperwork and she's now at Casa Tipton-Kelly, her new home. And she is wearing me out. I knew this would be a problem with a kitten but I decided I wanted a cat to bond with me and of course, an in house mouser.
She's working out fine. Bill is a little put off but I suspect it won't be too long before he mellows. But she is a kitten and high energy. This is like having a newborn child in the house. A temporary inconvenience and a lot of adjustment for rewards in the future.
One day I will lose Bill and that is a day I dread. Hopefully, with Fiona she will ease the pain.
Bill and me at Prime Hook National Refuge this past weekend
The Phillies got shut out last night in the World Series. THAT was a bummer. Yes, I'm a longtime Phillies fan. I was living in center city Philly when they won the world series in 1980. I thought at that time if they never win another World Series at least one time in my life I got to experience the feeling of being a WINNER! And living in center city when the final pitch was thrown by Tug McGraw was the ultimate. Of course I would like to see the Phillies win the World Series again, especially against the cheating Houston Astros. But as Yogi Berra famously said "It ain't over until it's over."Another game tonight before the best fans in major league baseball, the Philadelphia fans. The Phillies win this one then it's off to Houston.
This morning when I was getting Bill ready for the day, his hearing aid wasn't working. I don't know if it's the hearing aid or ear wax in his ear of ear wax in the hearing aid. Whatever, now I have to jump through the hoops to get him to the audiology and have that checked out. Bill has full VA coverage in the Community Care Network but there are STEPS to be taken first. Have to call his provider at the VA to request the appointment which they will schedule. I have an appointment tomorrow for a CAT-SCAN which they have already scheduled for me. This is routine to check out that aneurism I have on one of my main veins. Would be nice to go a month or so without a medical appointment but it is not to be.
I'm usually pretty good with all these caregiving responsibilities for both me and Bill but I have to admit this morning I was (I'm looking for the right word)....... exhausted. Sometimes I just want a break but it is not to be. Bill tries so hard but he is failing. He's legally blind (biggest problem), hard of hearing, confused much of the time, has trouble processing normal conversation, and has trouble swallowing which is getting worse. I keep reminding myself it could be a lot worse and it could me. At least he knows who I am and he can get around on his own including going to the bathroom. However, I still have to change and wash him in the morning, give him a shower every third day, give him his pills, and feed him. A simple thing like putting on his own pants he can't do. Putting on a T-shirt is impossible. But then he could be bedridden and incontinent, which he is not, thank goodness.
Each day I try to get a little time to myself just to balance things out. I have to do this for my mental stability and keep fresh to take care of Bill. I just cannot see him in a facility.
I think I always knew this day was coming. In the past some tried to foist caregiving responsibilities on my for my late friend Bob McCamley. One time he was in the hospital and the folks at the hospital practically begged me to sign him out. I wouldn't do it because he already had a partner, Jim Donahue, who was a LPN. Really? Me? But Jim was a very selfish person. I felt bad about not signing Bob out and he ended up in a facility. I visited him there shortly before he died and it truly was a "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" scenario but thank goodness I didn't see a Nurse Rachet. Poor Bob, we had often talked about our final days and how neither one of us would ever be in a nursing home. But with Bob it was gradual.
The other time was my friend Wayne Juneau. He was also in the hospital and had no one to sign him out. Wayne was quite disappointed that I wouldn't sign him out which I felt very bad about but again, he had all these "friends" but when it came time to help in, there were no "friends" to be found. Thank goodness a co-worker of his took on the responsibility and took care of him during his final days. Bless her heart. Wayne died in a hospice center which I knew he hated.
I don't know where I'll end my life, hopefully I won't wake up one morning. I do have sleep apnea which I refuse to wear head gear. I told my heart doctor, who urged me to get the head gear, "That's the way I want to go, in my sleep." He has stopped urging me to get that head gear.
The sun is out today. I'm going to mow the grass which always makes me feel good. Bill's out walking, which is good. A neighbor just called and told me that Bill was walking, she was concerned that he was confused but I assured her that Bill was all right with today's walk. Bill does try so hard to live a normal life and I feel so bad for him that he can't do the things he wants to that makes life interesting for him. I can't imagine myself being in that situation. And I'll do whatever is necessary to foreclose that possibility.
In the meantime I'll concentrate on all the positive things in my life. That Bill is home is the most positive and fore that I am so thankful that I'm still able to take care of him.
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