Yes, raking grass in my backyard is my therapy. Who need to pay a psychiatrist the big bucks when one has a beautiful back yard like I do that needs constant attention?
Remember the old PBS show "Crockett's Victory Garden" from years back. On one show Jim Crockett featured this old lady widow and her oh so delightful English garden right out the front door of her modest cottage? She was a widow. Probably about the same age as I am now, eighty-two years old. I think at that time I saw that show Bill and I were still living in an apartment (Cheswick Square) in Roxborough, PA (Philadelphia).
All my life, I have had a goal of having my own backyard. I grew up in a cheap ($22.50 a month), cockroach infested apartment on the second floor in the white trash section of Downingtown, only one street (actually a half a street) from the black section of Downingtown (this back in the Fifties when segregation was the accepted "norm").
As I walked the three blocks to my elementary school, I walked past houses where many of my classmates lived. They had backyards. I didn't. I always envied them. I thought "One day, when I'm rich I'm going to have a house with a backyard".
Yep, that was my dreams folks. To have a house with my very own backyard. Of course my other dream was to meet a Prince Charming who would sweep me off of my feet and love me and take care of me the rest of my life.
Well, I got lucky because I did meet Prince Charming (Bill) and he sweep me off of my feet and spent the rest of his life loving me and taking care of me. But as with all fairy tales (no pun intended......well "maybe"), they come to an end.
My Prince Charming is gone now. I have a few years left (maybe). And what better way to spend it than in my (I'm having hard time getting used to saying "my" instead of "our" since Bill died) backyard just like that widow in that long ago PBS Victory Garden segment.
This morning, like many mornings since Bill died, I got up too early. I sleep a lot these days. Sometimes I get slept out. This morning was one of those mornings. So I decided to put on my waterproof "tick" boots and go out in "my" backyard and rake grass. This way my mind is taken off of how much I miss Bill in my life now and I find comfort in keeping myself busy. Not just busywork but doing something both Bill and I liked. Taking care of "our" backyard.
And one more thing, Bill paid me a brief visit while I was out in our backyard. A beautiful yellow and black swallowtail butterfly flew by me, almost touching my shoulder as I was taking the dead grass. I know that was Bill saying "Good morning" to me and sharing our backyard with me as he often did when he was alive. Yes, I believe that Bill often visits me now. And in that I find so much comfort.
Yes indeed, who needs a therapist when one had a beautiful backyard that I can still share with the love of my life?
When Bill died I didn't think of what times I would especially miss him. I'm finding that it is the weekends that really tear me apart.
This morning I made the eighteen mile trip to BJ's Wholesale Club in Millsboro. This is usually a thirty minute trip.
When Bill was alive I took him out for a ride almost every day. Usually these rides were nearby, mostly to Food Lion in Milton or the Rehoboth Beach area, all within a ten mile radius.
These days I don't take a ride everyday. There is no reason to unless I have to buy more food or make my weekly visit to the Restore Thrift Store (Habitat of Humanity).
The last time we took a ride to BJ's was about three months ago, before Bill really went downhill. I sensed at that time that was our last trip. As I was returning from BJ's, and looked over at Bill looking out his window at the passing scenery on Route 5, a wave of sadness enveloped me. I knew this was our last trip together. And indeed it was.
I've been putting off going to BJ's again. This time the half hour trip would be without Bill. Do I need any more sadness today? I still have enough reminders of Bill that threaten to drown me in self pity and sadness. And to top everything else off today, the weather was windy, cold, cloudy and foreboding. No sunny day today to lift my spirits.
I survived the trip. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Still, I was very lonely driving in my car by myself without the comforting presence of Bill in the passenger seat of our 2010 Red Subaru Forester.
I've been at loose ends all day. I woke up around 4:30 AM this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. Probably because I knew I was going to make this trip to BJ's, the first one since Bill died.
Usually I can find enough around the house here to keep me busy and take my mind off of missing Bill.
Not today.
I just couldn't get myself interested in anything else. I could't work outside, usually a surefire way to deaden my mind to missing Bill.
Not today.
I had an early lunch. Then an early nap.
Usually I get up from my afternoon nap around five PM. Today I was wide awake at 2:30. My whole schedule is off.
I called my friend Glenn in California on Zoom. He's three hours behind me here on the East Coast. We talked for the forty minutes free time Zoom enables me without signing up for a monthly bill. I wanted to talk a little more but Glenn hadn't had lunch yet.
I can usually talk to Pat on FaceTime but he's on twin gigs with his band The 45's this weekend. He's unavailable. He called a few times to check in with me from his gigs but couldn't talk too long.
There is still a lot to do here around the house but I'm just not in the mood for that activity. I decided to clean out some of my old e-mails. I'm ashamed to admit it but I have old e-mails dating back to 2014. Mostly to do with my Find a Grave and Ancestry.com inquiries. For some weird reason I was in the mood to clear out those e-mails. Deleting some, saving some. Then I came across an old e-mail from a friend's visit in 2017. Four pictures of Bill and a video with our friend. Looking at the happy Bill and our friend, I was again thrown into a deep funk. Will this never end?
Last night I was talking to a former friend and a co-worker who recently lost her husband. She called me, crying. I had talked to her earlier in the week and told her she could call me anytime if she got too down. Last night was bad for her. Friday nights. We talked and shared memories of our respective spouses. She met Bill years ago (2001) and liked him. Everyone who ever met Bill liked him. She told me after our talk that she felt so much better. And that was why I asked her to call me whenever she felt like it.
It's now 5:35 PM. I can take an early dinner. Perhaps go outside for a walk through the neighborhood. Clearing my head always helps. My walks now aren't so easy with my arthritis. But walking is good for me.
The forecast for tomorrow is sun and temperatures reaching in the seventies.
Hardest thing in my life right now folks. But there is always tomorrow.
I am thankful for those in my life now like Pat, Glenn, Don and Renee and my neighbor Bob M., who frequently checks in on me to see if I'm all right. Bob lost his wife over four years ago. He still visits her at the mausoleum nearby where her remains is above ground. I have Bill's ashes downstairs in his bedroom. I talk to him almost every day. I probably will the rest of my life. I am comforted knowing he is still with me. I promised him that.
Me and Bill November 12, 2017 at our neighbor's house
Two days ago, April 24th, marked two months since Bill died.
I have to say I'm in a much better place now than I was two months ago when I was awoken at 12:33 AM by a phone call from Delaware Hospice informing me that Bill had passed away at 12:20 AM. Even though I was expecting that call, it still came as a shock to me.
The following days and weeks I operated on automatic for what is expected of the surviving spouse of a long time relationship.
At first I was lost. After caring for Bill full-time since his strokes in early January of 2021, I had gotten used to the Caregiver Routine. After Bill died, all of a sudden I was cut loose from my caregiving responsibilities. I thought I would feel relived but I didn't. I felt that I had failed Bill because he died in spite of all I could do for him.
The last two months have been a whirlwind of a haze.
I took care of the final arrangements. Bill's ashes are downstairs in his bedroom. They will stay there until I die at which time they will be buried with me or my ashes scattered with his. One thing is for sure, Bill and I will be together again, both physical and spiritually.
Slowly but surly I am getting accustomed to my new life without Bill. I will always feel his loss, that goes without saying. But I can now see that I have a new life. I don't know how much longer I have to live but I do see that I can somewhat relax now.
In a couple weeks I will be hosting longtime friends Jack and Judy D., who were witness to me and Bill's wedding in 2013. I am looking forward to seeing them again. They will be here for two nights. Jack and Judy used to live nearby here in southern Delaware. They live in Pennsylvania now.
Next month I will be hosting my friend Glenn M. from Palm Springs, California and Pat from Canada. Glenn and Pat will be here for a week then we all visit our friend Don M. in Philadelphia. Again, much looking forward to getting together with my friends Glenn, Pat and Don.
For all those who have lost dear loved ones, I can attest that it does get better. Of course I'll never be the same for the rest of my life but I am comforted by the fact that Bill is in a much better place now. He is no longer suffering like he did the last few years of his life, especially the last weeks and days and hours. His passing wasn't peaceful. That will always bother me the rest of my life. Just last week, after ten years of sitting in committee the Delaware State legislature passed the right to die bill. That means that if the prognosis of one is less that six months to live (two doctors to attest to this), a terminally ill person can self-administer medication to end their life in a humane and dignified manner, if a physical or health professional agree the patient is acting voluntarily and understands their decision. Bill wanted to end his life this way but was prevented from doing so by our antiquated laws. We have more humanity towards putting our pets out of their misery than we do human beings. Bill did not die in a dignified manner. He was terribly stressed out. Not to discount the hospice care, they did the best they could but Bill did suffer horribly at the end and his last days certainly weren't dignified. Now all the Delaware State senate has to do is finalize the passage of this right to die bill and I can relax knowing that when my time comes, I won't die like Bill did. And you know what folks? I think Bill's spirit had something to do with this bill finally coming to a vote in the Delaware senate. His spirit (and yes, I do believe his spirit is still with me) knew how distressed I was to see him suffer so and he didn't want me to go through the same barbaric way of dying that he had to endure. Yes, I believe Bill had a hand in that bill finally moving to becoming law. Bill spent all of his fifty-nine years watching out for me. And now here at the end, this will be his final gift to me.
These days, after the passing of Bill I've been very reflective of our past years together.
This video that I'm posting today is a video copy of an 8mm film compilation that Bill and I made of our previous home in Downingtown, Pennsylvania. We had our home built on 6.875 acres of wooded land in 1980. This home was to be our dream home. We planned to spend the rest of our lives in this home but that dream was cut short by the ever increasing Pennsylvania school taxes we could no longer afford to pay.
In this video you will see me refer to getting ready to spend two weeks in Rehoboth Beach Delaware. At that time I was scheduled to house and cat sit for two women who were going to spend a few months in the winter in Florida golfing.
I don't remember seeing this video before. I just watched it which brought back a lot of fond memories of the wonderful house that we had in Pennsylvania. I will harbor a resentment against Pennsylvania for taxing us out of our wonderful Pennsylvania home the rest of my life. So many of my Delaware neighbors moved here from several high tax Eastern states like Pennsylvania, New Jersey (even worse than Pennsylvania), and New York.
Watching this video reminds me of how much I miss my longtime friend Bob McCamley (we met when we were in Army together in 1960). Bob died in 2013 of Parkinson's Disease.
It's interesting seeing both me and Bill when we were much healthier. I could walk like a normal person. Look at me going up the stairs. I could actually do it on my own. Now I struggle. Even walking on even surfaces I struggle. I like the exchanges between me and Bill, the little digs at me when he says "junk". I do tend to accumulate.
Watching this video I am also reminded of my ponds. Oh how I miss those ponds. They were self filtering and crystal clear. I have a pond here but I don't have an electrical pond filter here. My ponds here aren't so clear but the goldfish who inhabit them are happy and reproducing. I refresh the pond water here with a hose from my well. Interesting I always used to say "we" when referring to anything around this house but since Bill is no longer with me, I have to get used to saying "my", which always causes me sadness.
This video is long. You're not required to watch it of course. But I do want to post all my videos that I had made from our many 8mm films. I have them all in my You Tube account now under "Private" but since I don't plan to be around much longer in this world, I figure I better make them "Public" so there is a history for anyone who is interested in my time on this planet.
I'm cleaning up things folks for my eventual Final Exit. Maybe some distant relative in the future will be interested. I hop so . If not, well I tried. One thing I do know now is than none of my relatives now are interested. Not even one of my twenty-four nieces and nephews. Which is sad but it is what it is.
This video was taken on July 5, 2013 two days after we were officially married on our forty-ninth anniversary. Bill was sitting out under our three birch trees enjoying the summer breeze. I'm glad I've taken so many pictures and videos over the years because now as I grieve for Bill, I can relive my wonderful memories of him and his humor.
Some may say "Isn't it time to get over your grieving for Bill?" Well, I've thought the same thing myself but have decide I'm not ready yet. I'm not quite ready yet to stop thinking and grieving for Bill.
Bill was my pillar and he's gone now. I stand alone. I no longer have that unconditional love of a person with whom I lived with my entire adult life. At times I feel like a rudderless boat drifting about in the sea. But little by little I am adapting to my new life without Bill. I realize now how much Bill suffered the past few years just to stay alive and be with me. Bill had incredible strength. Right up to the end he sacrificed so much for me.
I've been so lucky for most of my life. Never before have I had to endure such a loss. Yes, I've lost friends, family and co-workers but nothing even comes close to the sense of loss I have now that Bill is gone. Thank God I have Pat and my friends Glenn and Don. I talk to all of them quite frequently on FaceTime. last month I visited Pat. In June Glenn will visit me here at Casa Tipton-Kelly. Glenn had lost his longtime partner Michael three years ago. He's still grieving so I don't feel so bad that I'm still grieving for Bill. "It's okay Ron. Grieve as long as you want to."
I'm doing fine folks, adjusting to my new life without Bill. I felt his spirit again a few times since my last blog post about seeing him. I feel his spirit with me, comforting me. That's Bill, still caring for me.
He appeared at my bedroom door. He was with four or five other people who I didn't recognize. I suspect two of the people were his Mother and father.
As I was getting up for my nighttime bathroom visit (about 2 AM) I saw the apparition of Bill and those folks he was with. My first thought was that I should be afraid but I wasn't. After all these were ghosts wren't they? But instead of being afraid I was comforted. Ironically right now the song playing right now as I type this blog entry is saying "Wherever you go I will be right here waiting for you." And I believe that. I do believe Bill has tried to contact me from wherever he is in the great spirit world beyond our physical world presence here on earth.
Bill's appearance was before he got sick three years ago. Interesting thing was that I could see my closed bedroom door right through his apparition. He and his companions came right through my bedroom door. I felt the reason he came to see me was to reassure me that he is in a good place now. He is with his mom and dad. A dad he never knew. Bill's father died in an auto accident when Bill was only a year old.
Bill was happy. I felt that he brought his mom and dad to introduce them to me. They were all smiling. They were shorter than Bill.
Now of course maybe this apparition was all in my head. What I do know though is that when I saw them standing at my bedroom door I feeling of love and warmth swept over me. I was comforted. That whole episode lasted on a few seconds but I feel it was real.
Since Bill died I have felt his presence at Casa Tipton-Kelly several times. Especially the week immediately after he died. I felt his presence in the living room right off this small bedroom that I use as my home office. At that time I felt as if Bill was trying to convey to me that he was in a goo place and that we would be together again eventually in eternity.
Spring is busting out all around here at Casa Tipton-Kelly-Kelly now. I feel sad every time I am out in our backyard and I don't see Bill sitting on our back deck absorbing the warmth of the sun's rays. Bill did so like sitting on our back deck while I mowed the grass.
Yesterday someone left a comment on one of my blog postings that I hadn't posted much about my recent trip to Canada with Pat to visit him at his new home. I am going to correct that oversight now. Here is a taste of my five day stay in Pat's hometown of Hamilton, Ontario, Canada.
The video above is us driving through upper New York State among all the wind turbines, which I didn't know existed in such abundance in New York. The last time I saw this many wind turbines was when Pat and I entered Palm Springs, California. I hadn't expected to see that many wind turbines in upper New York State near the Canadian border.
First let me say I am so glad I decided to take this road trip back with Pat to his new home on Hess Street in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. Pat though I would be worn out from the nine hour drive but actually it was quite a pleasant drive. Probably because we had such a comfortable vehicle, a Ford Edge SUV.
We didn't actually take a nine hour drive. Instead of leaving directly from my home here in Southern Delaware, we left a day earlier to visit our friend Don McK. in Philadelphia, thus cutting off two hours of our trip to Canada. We always haves a good trip to Philly and visiting our friend Don, even if we were only there overnight. Usually we stay for a week.
On Friday, March 22nd, we took off for Canada. The weather was nice driving out of Philly but the traffic very congested. Pat decided to take the scenic route, meaning no toll roads. We wanted to see the back country of Pennsylvania and New York. And that we did, only stopping once at a Burger King to feed our faces.
Once we got to upper New York State we encountered snow and the wind turbines. I like seeing wind turbines on the landscape. This time with snow and not palm trees like we do when we drive into Palm Springs.
Here we are entering Canada during the snowstorm. Pat said this was first significant snow Canada had this winter. Lucky us! There was an accident further down the road on the QE2, which held up traffic for over an hour.
We finally got to Pat's small home on Hess Street in Hamilton, Ontario.
Pat's home is the unit on the left with the yellow door. The one in the middle is occupied by the noisy squatters. Probably selling drugs because there is often a steady flow of people in and out of that unit. The house on the right side is occupied by a normal person.
I had never been to Pat's home before and was curious. His home (the yellow door on the left) is attached to two other homes. Unfortunately for Pat the home in the middle is occupied by squatters which often keep him up at night with their loud arguments and hammering on their shared wall. Pat says they sleep during the day. I think they're vampires. Pat's home is adorable but not big. I like space. The first night there his next door neighbors were particularly noisy. I got very little sleep.
Fortunately a new Hampton Inn
was built just up the street from Pat. I decided to book a room there with a king sized bed and spend the rest of my visit with Pat sleeping in luxury at night. No more drug addled screaming and hollering and banging on the wall right next to where I was sleeping at Pat's house. I got a got rate at the Hampton Inn because I'm a Hilton Honors member (and former employee if that counts for anything).
Pat and me with the Hampton Inn behind us, just up the street from Pat's house
I talked Pat into staying with me at the Hampton Inn. He asked me "Why did you get a king sized bed?" Pat, ever the minimalist. I told him "When you reserve a room at a hotel you always get a king sized bed." I'm a fitful sleeper and Pat knows very well I've tried to push him out of bed during some of our previous Air B & B stays. Bill had the same problem with me. I don't remember doing this because I'm asleep but it's probably from my youth when I had to share a bed with my two younger brothers until I was fifteen years old.
Me getting ready for bed, one of my brothers (Isaac) is already in bed. My other brother (John) took this picture as a joke because I'm in my underwear. A moment of big embarrassment in the Fifties to be caught in your underwear for a teenager. I hated that bed and sleeping with my brothers. Three in one bed, almost like the Walton family. Photo was taken about 1954.
Yes, fifteen years old, believe it. I told my Mother I wanted my own bed and even better my own bedroom. She got me a cot the next Christmas which I put in the corner of my shared bedroom with my brothers. But I digress. The king sized bed worked just fine, a fact that Pat can attest to now because I didn't try to push him out of bed once. I think I now have Pat convinced to book a room with a king sized bed when staying at a hotel.
Me and Pat relaxing in our lovely room at the Hamilton, Hampton Inn which was just up the street (a block and a half) from Pat's home
Sometimes one can take this minimalist thing too far. But knowing Pat he would be just as happy sleeping in the back of a pickup truck.
During our five day stay in Hamilton we visited several excellent vegan food restaurants. At night we watched all three of the Denzel Washington "Equalizer" movies. One day we visited Pat's friends in Port Dover and had lunch with them.
Lunch in Port Dover with Pat's friends Deb and Paul
I wasn't much of a vegan until I met Pat. But I have to say since I met Pat I've enjoyed many a vegan meals at some really good vegan restaurants. There was one in Hamilton called "Happy Holligan's" that I really enjoyed. I always ask what the soup of the day is. This day they told me it was "Dill Pickle Soup." What? Now that was a new one. Always the one up for a new taste adventure (except anything connected with seafood), I ordered the dill pickle soup. Guess what? It was delicious!
Dill pickle soup at Happy Hooligan's Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Me at Happy Hooligan's before the dill pickle soup
When Pat and I go on holiday together, perhaps to others what we do may not seem interesting or exciting but to us, we always have a good time. Just being together with this wonderful man, wherever we go, is a major treat for me. For my whole adult life, until I met Pat, I traveled alone. Some years ago I decided not to travel alone any more, just not the same as traveling with a friend or friends. Oh I've traveled with a friend and friends but those "friends" were more interested in looking for sexual encounters than they were with being with me. Interesting fact, they're all dead now. Coincidence? For me, all the years I visited Provincetown, I enjoyed getting away to a nice location where I was free to be myself. But even though Provincetown was gay friendly, I was never truly happy there being by myself and even worse when I went and/or took friend with me. They disappeared shortly after we landed at the airport, only to show up at the day of departure. Pat is interested in being with me. How novel. But I digress again. I am so fortunate at this time of my life to have a friend like Pat who I can travel with and we enjoy each other's company. Can you imagine one of my other friends of the past enjoying a grocery shopping trip like the one below?
It's almost comical isn't it? No wonder they ditched me as soon as we landed. Dull Ron.
Some other exciting things we did was shop at Home Depot. Every time I talk to Pat on FaceTime I see that hanging plant pot behind him with a dead plant. I was determined to get a nice philodendron to put in that pot. I did have to almost force Pat to go to Home Depot but I got the plants.
Me shopping at Home Depot for Pat's hanging plants
Another one an ivy plant for his other hanging plant, this one I couldn't see on my FaceTime calls with Pat. I am a Plant Guy. However, I have calmed down since my peak in the Eighties. I had my workplace at the bank a regular forest of hanging plants. Talk about excess.
Of course I could never visit Canada without a visit to Toronto, the Glass Canyon City. Pat used to live in Toronto. He moved several years ago to Hamilton because he said Toronto, with all those glass encased skyscrapers was becoming a city without character. Depersonalized. I like Toronto but I understand what Pat means. He loves Hamilton. I like Hamilton too. I think the comparison is like New York City and Philadelphia. New York is cool but Philadelphia is really cool. Philadelphia is livable. New York, for both of us, is too depersonalized.
Then, too soon as always, it was time to depart Canada. I'm always sad when I have to leave Pat but especially now since I'm coming home here to an empty house. I always had Bill waiting for me before, not that he's gone it is especially sad for me.
Pat took this short video of me going through the TSA Pre Check line at the Buffalo Airport.
You can catch a glimpse of me right at the end with the hat and my black jacket.
Before I forget, I did something this trip I always meant to do but never did. I traveled light and I mean light. I didn't have a change of shirts or pants. Only two sets of underwear and socks and my medications and my chargers for my Apple Watch and iPhone. I managed! I will do this on future trips.
The flight back was on time but there was a hitch. Isn't there always? When we arrived at Philadelphia International Airport we couldn't deplane because the JetWay didn't work. The Jet Way is that connector to the airplane at the airport that we passengers get into the building. That was a forty-five minute delay. Other than that delay, I had a wonderful trip. This trip was perfect because it got my mind off of the loss of Bill. Always when I returned from holidays like this I would share my experiences with Bill. Now there was no one here at Casa Tipton-Kelly to share my memories of my trip to Canada with Pat. Except all of you of course, my faithful blog readers.
Today I stopped at the local Cheers Senior Center and asked them if they could use some of the several cases of Ensure that the VA supplied Bill. They were glad to accept the Ensure. They said they would give it to the local adult day care center.
Little by little I'm adjusting to live without Bill. At times it's rough. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. But then on days like today, when I keep myself busy I can feel those positive moments like donating cases of Ensure for use of other seniors who have trouble swallowing. Which reminds me, at the end Bill couldn't even swallow, his esophagus was so damaged.
One of the hardest things for me to do still every day is when I get in my (our) car and run errands. For the past five years or more, even since Bill lost his vision, I always took Bill with me wherever I went. I always had his company in the passenger seat. I admit there were times when I would wonder what it was like to just get in our car and just go somewhere by myself. Of course this falls under "be careful what you wish for." Taking a ride around the local roads here in southern coastal Delaware was one of Bill's favorite activities. Those rare days when we didn't go anywhere in our care (usually because of the weather), Bill always missed "his ride." He didn't complain but the next day when we would go for our ride I would tease Bill with "We didn't go anywhere yesterday did we?" Bill would always say "I know, I know." Often I didn't have any errands to run so I would just take our daily ride down to the end of Oyster Rocks Road, which dead ends at the Broadkill River, and just park there. Bill treasured those times because he often said "This is the only time I can talk to you." When we were here in the house I rarely sat down with Bill but I was always with him except when I took my daily afternoon nap. Either I was in the kitchen making a fresh batch of hamburger cabbage soup or in my home office on my computer. I miss talking to Bill.
I may have mentioned this before but I have decided to keep Bill's room basically as it was before he died. I'm gradually getting rid of a lot of his electrical equipment and tools that I can't and never will use. I was going to clear out his room including his furniture but then questioned "Why?" Indeed "Why?" When I walk into his downstair bedroom and see his freshly ironed shirts hanging on the coat rack (he room doesn't have a closet), I get a warm feeling in my chest. As far as I'm concerned, that room will disappear when I disappear from this premise. When I'm gone, hopefully reunited with Bill's spirit, it won't matter.
Pat's visit to me here in Delaware and my road trip back to Pat's home in Canada was a nice diversion. This week taking care of my neighbor's dog and cat is also another nice diversion. But I always return to this home of my dreams without Bill, I am so lonely. No one can ever replace Bill. This is something I realize even more now that I had ever imagined when he was alive.
One thing I realize even more now is how much Bill suffered the last three years of his life. Because of his macular degeneration he was legally blind. He couldn't see anything out of the center of his eye. He couldn't look me in my eyes nor could I look him in his eyes. They say the eyes are the window to the soul. All he saw was my shadow. Even so, he still wanted to be with me and I with him. Bill gave so much. He always did for me. All he ever wanted out of life was to be with me. And now I realize that's what I wanted out of life. Oh sure, he had some habits that I didn't like. That all seems so insignificant now.
I wonder how long I will feel like this. I used my friend Glenn M. as a measure. He lost his longtime partner over three years ago. He still misses "his Michael" but he is happy in his new life. Glenn gives me hope. I think of all those millions of people who have lost loved ones they have been together a long time. They're all managing. My sister-in-law, still missed my brother but she's managing her new life. Same with my cousins who lost their husband, father and brother this past year. And I too will manage.
It's been over a month since Bill died (February 24th). I'm still missing him.
I knew I would miss him but never imagined I would miss him this much.
Sometimes I feel guilty that I miss him this much. After all, I had him for fifty-nine glorious years. Much longer than many couples, especially same sex couples.
My heart is broken.
When Bill first died, even though I was expecting it, I was in a state of shock. That shock is wearing off now and the reality of me living the rest of my life without this loving man is very hard for me to conceptualize.
I feel like a rudderless ship adrift at sea.
Yes, I have Pat and I love him also. But it is a different kind of love. With Bill, he was literally my whole life and I his. Going on with my life without him sometimes seems so pointless.
I thought I would feel relieved after caring for him for three years that I no longer would have to care for two human beings. That I would only have to care for myself. But you know what folks? I miss caring for Bill. Over the past three years I had gotten so used to our routine of getting him up every morning, dressing his wounds, giving him a shower every three days, choosing out a "pretty shirt" for him to wear for the day even though he couldn't see the shirt. Giving him his medications and preparing his food and taking him for his daily rides. Oh how I miss taking him for his daily rides. That empty passenger seat next to me just about kills me every time I take my ("our") car out to run my daily errands.
I try to console myself with the fact that the quality of Bill's life for the last three years of his life was very poor. He couldn't see to do his projects, couldn't swallow whole food, was very weak. He often said "The only reason I'm staying alive is for you." I often responded to this comment with "I can take care of myself Bill, you leave when you want to." I wanted him to feel comfortable in leaving me. He struggled so much to stay alive just a little bit longer. He did suffer horribly at the end but now he is at peace. Whether there is an after life or not, at least he is not suffering like he did for the months and years at the end of his life. One thing I am forever grateful for is that I didn't die before he did. I was in fear of that happening, God knows I have enough health problems of my own. I wouldn't be surprised if I die of a heart attack one day or in my sleep from my sleep apnea. But one thing I know now is that I really don't fear death because I know then that this pain of mine will finally come to an end.
I remember a long time ago I saw an image of a spaceman taking a space walk and his tethered cord became undone and his space suited body drifted out into outer space, becoming smaller and smaller until eventually you could not see his space suited image at all. That's the way I feel about Bill now. His image is drifting into outpace. I still see him but eventually I won't. All I will have is my memories of our blessed gloriously happy life together.
