Bringing Bill Home

Me at the funeral home with Bill, taking him home with me

 Tuesday, February 27, 2024 I brought Bill home.

Bill helped me.

Here is the story. 

My appointment at the funeral home was for 1:30 PM. 

I was sitting on the high barstool chair in our kitchen, dreading going through that traffic maze pattern that where the funeral home is located. When I went there last week to finalize Bill's arrangements, I missed the turn four times. I didn't want to do that again. 

In normal times I would just look at navigating that traffic maze as just another challenge. But being in the state I was on that day, I surely didn't need that challenge.

As I was about to get up from my kitchen chair, my front doorbell rang. "Now who could that be?" I thought. Several of my neighbors had already called previously offering to help me if I needed it. I turned them all down. They all have their own lives to live. And besides, I could manage whatever I had to do now. Their expressions of condolences was enough for me. 

I walk to my front door and open it and there is "Don K." Don used to be a neighbor. He and his late partner Al used to live five houses around the corner from me and Bill. I met Don back in 2006 when Bill and I moved into our development. Back then I was having trouble selling our house in Pennsylvania and I was carrying two mortgages. A few more months of that Bill and I would have to let our home here in Delaware go into foreclosure. The salesman from who I brought our home from told me that we weren't the only couple who was having trouble selling their previous home. He mentioned this other couple, Al and Don, who were from Princeton New Jersey and who were also having trouble selling their previous home. To seek some kind of relief from the pressure of selling our Pennsylvania home, I decided to knock on their door and share my misery with them. That I did and thus we formed a friendship. Of course both of us did eventually sell our former homes.

Al, me and Don 2007 in front of their house

About ten years ago Al became sick and died at his home. A few months after Al's death, Don decided to sell their house. He said it was "too big" for them but I suspect his reasoning also had something to do with all the memories he and Al had of living in their house. This all happened back in 2013.

Since Don moved out of the neighborhood our friendship drifted apart. No particular reason, just that Don went on with his life, eventually meeting someone new.

So fast forward and there was Don at my front two days ago asking how could he help me. 

Viola!

I told him he could drive me to the funeral home. 

Now where is what is weird. If Don had called or even texted me and asked "How can I help?" I would have turned him down. If Don had showed up an my door fifteen minutes later, I would not have been home. He just showed up unannounced and asked to help me. You know what I think folks? I think Bill had a hand in Don's appearance at my front door. Bill spirit was probably hovering over me, still continuing to care for me and do whatever it was to make my life easier and happier. He always said right up to the end of his life "Ronnie, I just want to make you happy." I think one of Bill's great concerns at the end of his life was that he would no longer be in life and would not to continue to make me happy as he ha the past fifty-nine years of our lives. He stayed in this world as long as he could, even though he was weak and struggling at the end but he still continued to make my life easier and happier even always offering to take at least one bag of groceries into the house after one of my frequent shopping trips to our local supermarket. That was Bill and I think that was Bill who contacted Don to give me a ride to the funeral home. I believe that. I truly do. I think Bill is still looking after me.

So we drive down to the funeral home. And guess what? I forget to bing my wooden box to contain Bill's ashes with me! Oh how Bill would have liked that. He always kidded me with forgetting things. He always said "Make a note" (like he did) so I wouldn't forget to take whatever it was with me. 

Don asked "Do  you want to go back and get it?" I said "Yes" thus Don drove back that horrible maze and Route One traffic to could get Bill's container to hold his ashes. 

I received Bill's ashes and brought him home. Folks, I cannot tell you how much comfort having Bill back in our home gives me. I put his ashes in his bedroom, the bedroom he loved so much. Those ashes will stay there until I die. Then his ashes will be buried with me. That's what I promised Bill and that's what I'm going to do. 

And thank you Don. Don, who probably doesn't know the invisible hand of Bill's spirit directed him to me on that Tuesday afternoon when I needed help.

One more thing, check the video below. I was thanking Don and he got me mixed up with Bill! Funny thing that. Well, Don and I are going to renew out friendship. Don told me one of the reasons he came to my door was that was also the first day of home hospice care for his now partner. A man whom I haven't met but I will. Should I show up at Don's door unannounced? No, I won't. I'll give him a heads up. I know how it is with home caregiving. Don does too. With his Al, it was only about a week before he died at home. We don't know how long Don's current husband will be under home hospice care. I feel for him. While I'm saddened that I no longer have Bill here at home and to care for him, I'm finally getting around to accepting I'm beginning a new (and probably) last chapter of my life. Pat will be coming down for a week April 17th to be with me. He has to get some things cleared up first. Coincidentally, April 17th is St. Patrick's Day. Coincidence? Pat always has been a saint to me, from the day we met by pure serendipity in 2013. 

Early Morning Tour Or Our House After Bill's Passing

Good morning folks.

This video is one I made yesterday morning.

I woke  up about 3:30 AM and couldn't get back to sleep. So I decided to share with you this short video tour of where Bill lived.

Yesterday I brought Bill home. He's in his bedroom now. I talk to him. I am comforted by his return to our home. He will be with me forever. 

Intro To Early Morning Tour After Bill's Passing

This short video is an intro to a sixteen minute video that I made early yesterday morning when, after I got up for my usual night time visit to my bathroom, I couldn't get back to sleep. I will post the full video tomorrow. I couldn't or I don't know how to post two videos to the same blog posting and I don't really want to fiddle around with that today.

Some more news, today I pick up Bill's ashes. He was cremated  yesterday afternoon. I already have my own container for holding Bill's ashes with me as long as I live and when I die they go into my coffin with me or should I change my mind again about my final services, his ashes will be scattered with mine. Whatever the final disposition of the Tipton-Kelly Saga, we will be together. However, we will not be forgotten. I do get some comfort to think that fifty or one hundred years or even longer, some human beings on this planets will find our little microscopic slice of life here with two old gay guys who fate threw together on that rainy summertime July night in Philadelphia, when a handsome thirty-five year old man told his friend the bartender Jerry Hawes to send a drink to that tall, long drink of water twenty-year old who was standing and conversing with his two seated friends Ed Cage and Ron Hampton at the other end of the bar. Thus began one of the great loves stories of the ages for which God, fate or whatever choose two ordinary men to find each other and have a lifetime of love for each other. 

Bill and Ron July 1, 2010 - Milton, DE

Readjustment

 

Bill in Provincetown, Mass Labor Day 1979

Now to begin my life without Bill. 

This morning, again when I woke up for my nighttime bathroom call at abut 3:30 AM I couldn't get back to sleep. The raw pain of missing Bill in our house is still with me. For three years I always had to be alert to any sound downstairs in Bill's bedroom. The last few months I always quietly sneaked down the stairs to the basement and Bill's bedroom, which he so loved, and gently open the door usually to see him still sleeping. I miss doing that now although I still look down the stairs. This morning I decided to take a video tour of my routine. When it posts to You Tube I'll share that with all of  you. Probably tomorrow, iCloud is taking it's good old time transferring that video from my iPhone to my iMac.

This morning I called Bill's former place of employment, General Electric, which he left forty years ago this year, and began the process of collecting his modest term life insurance payout. That should take care of his cremation expense with enough left of for me to finally buy that headstone with both of our names on it.

I made some other calls this morning. One to the VA Home Health Care and the other to Delaware Hospice to thank them for the outstanding care they provided Bill at the end of his life.

I also called my longtime friend Bill P. (I know a lot of "Bill's) and former boss to inform him and have a chat with him. I find talking helps to ease the pain of that I'm experiencing now. Last night I had a five way Zoom call with friends from Canada, Phoenix, Arizona, Palm Springs, California and of course good old Philadelphia, where Bill and I lived for many years when I had a real job.

The picture above is of Bill I took in Provincetown, Massachusetts in September 1979. Bill was standing on the balcony of his room at the Best Western Hotel right outside the main drag (no pun intended) of Provincetown. As regular followers of this blog know, Bill didn't like to travel with me to gay places. He just wasn't comfortable with those "kinds" of places. That all right. That is his prerogative. He finally consented to go with me on this particular Provincetown holiday with me (I used to gg several times every summer) but he refused to leave his room at the Best Western Inn.  Bill could be stubborn. But that was my Bill. Of course he never went with me again. And just so you know, he didn't care if I met "somebody." I did a few times but I mainly went to Provincetown as a VACATION to enjoy New England and get out of the humid steamy mess that is downtown Philadelphia in the summertime.

This is how I want to remember Bill. Handsome, strong, opinionated, and sometimes stubborn but always with me whether that place was a Best Western Motel balcony in Provincetown or back at our center city Philadelphia home.  

Whenever I went home after my adventures, he was there. Truly my Rock. No more. 

Bill Kelly 1928-2024

 

Sergeant William Kelly, Bamberg Germany, 1951

Bill died at 12:20 AM this morning at the Delaware Hospice Center in Milford, Delaware. 

I was told he died peacefully. 

His long journey on this earth is now over. 

He is now at peace.

I know he is in a better place.

He suffered so much the past three years.

God bless his soul. 

He was my life for fifty-nine years.

I cannot imagine my life without him.

I am lost without him.

Pray for me.

Bill's Strength

 

Me holding Bill's hand today. I hope he knows it was me. 

This morning I awoke about 3:15 AM. 

I did go to bed much earlier than I usually do, 8:30 PM. I was exhausted. A good exhausted but still exhausted. No streaming a Netflix movie last night for Ron.

My sleep was deep when I awoke at quarter after three for my nocturnal trip to the bathroom.  

I usually have two, sometimes three trips to the bathroom for my nighttime pee. Last night was different. I couldn't get back to sleep thinking of Bill, laboriously breathing. So I just stayed up and got ready to take off and visit Bill at the crack of daylight, which I did.

For the second day in a row I was the first guest to arrive at the hospice center. I know this because you have to sign in. For the last two days my name was first on the sign in sheet.

This day I was more prepared when I planned to spend the day at the hospice center. I took my MacBook Air computer with me as well as a journal. However I didn't spend much time with either. Most of the time I sat next to Bill's bed watched him breath with difficulty. He's breathing slower now with longer pauses. A few times I thought he stopped breathing altogether. 

The folks at the hospice center tell me that the hearing is the last to go. So I made a point of several times of putting my mouth very near Bill's ear and telling him I loved him. I don't know if he heard me but one time when I was holding his hand, and after awhile I tried to withdraw my hand, he tightened his hand as to try and prevent my hand from leaving his hand. Perhaps that was just a reflex but I hope it was him knowing I was there with him today.

Again we had a number of visitors in the room. The in house social worker (very nice). This time we had not one but TWO pastors come into the room. They were very nice too but Bill and I aren't Believers. All this "If you want to be saved you have accept Jesus Christ as your savior." When I told the one paster I didn't believe that he asked me what I thought happened when you died. I said "Nothing, a void. Of course I don't have inside knowledge of that but it's the only thing that makes sense to me next to being reborn in a different body perhaps on a different planet." Whatever but none of that evangelical nonsense (please don't anyone be offended). Evangelicals support Trump. Need I say more?

Today was a cloudy, misty rainy day. When I wasn't sitting next to Bill's bed I was looking out the window of Bill's room to the garden outside, wet with rain. This hospice center is truly a peaceful, tranquil place to end one's journey on this earth. I could not ask or wish for me.

Tomorrow again I will travel the sixteen miles north to the hospice center to be with Bill again. Bless his heart. I do wish his suffering will end soon. Even though they're giving him a lot of medication to alleviate his suffering and discomfort I still feel that he is unhappy and in distress. I'm not religious as you can surmise from my previous rude comments about evangelical Christians but please God, release Bill from his earthly body and transport him to Heaven. A place of peace and tranquility and perhaps, a place to reunite with his family, friends, loved ones and beloved Pomeranian pets Hamburger, Sparky, Tee Tee, BabyDoll and Horace. Oh he would so love to see those dogs again. 

Maybe tomorrow. 

Bill In Hospice Care

 

Hospice Center

At the first signs of daylight yesterday, I drove the sixteen miles north to the hospice center where Bill is staying. 

I wasn't planning on staying all day but after a feeling of comfort enveloped me once I settled in Bill's peaceful room, I decided to stay all day. Or at least until the end of the day, before darkness fell upon the land. I don't like to drive at night.

Bill remains unconscious or sleeping. I whispered into his ear several times during my eight hour stay. I don't know if he heard me or not but I was told by his doctor that the hearing was the last to go. Maybe Bill heard me. I told him I was there with him. I also told him it was all right to go.

The level of care that Bill is receiving at the hospice enter is above and beyond anything I ever expected. Beautiful homelike settings and a kind and caring staff who not only care of bill but also me. Several times during the day Bills doctor nurse and even a volunteer lady are in to talk or more likely listed to me.  A president or movie star couldn't receive better care than Bill is receiving right now at this hospice center. Someone comes in every hour or so to check his vitals, wet his lips (he hasn't eaten or drank any liquids for three days now) and even turn him over in his bed. I am so thankful the hospice center came in to help me when I could no longer take care of Bill when he lost the use of his legs. 

Something that I discovered by staying with Bill was how comforted I was by the hospice center and staff. I was only going to visit for a few hours but I decided to stay until dark. That place is helping me to ease the pain of losing the love of my life for these past fifty-nine years. Even so, when I came back to our home late yesterday afternoon, I was struck by all the reminders around our house of Bill's presence. Folks, I can hardly endure that pain. To know that I will never have Bill's presence in our home again. 

I knew this pain would come and I will get through it. I have a little time left while my heath holds out. Last week Bill had a "serious" (his words) talk with me. He said he felt "different", that his time will be soon. He said he wanted me to have a good life with Pat. I was sort of struck by that statement and responded with "Don't worry about me with Pat." He said "I'm glad you have Pat, because I know you like him." I responded with "Yes, I do like Pat but I'm concerned about you now." He then said "We had a good time didn't we?" And sure enough, we did.

Now to prepare myself for Bill's passing. I know it's going to hurt but this is even worse than I expected. And yet I feel guilty because Bill has led a long, good life and we have had a good life together. Fifty-nine years is a good run by anybody's measure. But still, I am having a hard time imagining my life without Bill in it. I've taken care of him so long, even before his illness which started three years ago, that I feel lost now and..........very alone.

Thank you everyone for your comments giving me support. Thank you, thank you.

Update On Bill 2/33/23

 

Bill's ambulance arrives at the hospice center last night

Bill is now at the hospice campus in an end of life care unit.

After a very difficult day yesterday, perhaps the worst day of my life, an ambulance came to our home to transport Bill for evaluation for additional medication. They determined that Bill was entering the final stages of his life.

Earlier yesterday, I couldn't get Bill out of the hospital bed that was delivered the day before. He lost all use of his legs. He didn't understand how to get out of the bed. He slid down to the floor at the base of the bed. No amount of struggling could get him up. I eventually had to call the local fire company for which two burly EMT's lifted Bill front he floor. 

I just couldn't lift Bill. I didn't know how I could continue to care for Bill if he couldn't walk. Earlier one of the visiting hospice nurses showed me how to change Bill's diapers (not pull on Depends this time). I would also have to administer medicine under his tongue to control his restlessness and combativeness. He was confused. 

So much more happened that I don't want to go into detail at this time.

Last night I followed the ambulance to the hospice center which is about seventeen miles away. I hate to drive at night (the glaring lights). But I managed by asking the ambulance drivers not to drive too fast so I could follow them. 

I had to spend the night at the hospice center with Bill in the same room to monitor him. That I was glad to do. 

I don't know if he knows I'm there but I want to be with him at the end. 

One of the nurse thought he would pass last night or early this morning. He didn't but he clearly was losing the battle for his life. Perhaps I shouldn't say "battle." One of the EMT's told me he saw Bill's condition before. He said "It was the body fighting with itself to stay alive and the other part wants to go." 

Bill is ready to go. I have told him he can go. He has always been worried about me being by myself. I assured him I can take care of myself. Emotionally? That's another story.

Everyone at the hospice center was very kind to me. Listening to all my stories about me and Bill, like how we met. I couldn't ask for a better place for Bill to be at this time of his life. Bill is in capable and caring hands.

I will go up tomorrow morning and spend the day with him. I hope I can be with him when he passes on to whatever awaits all of us at the end of our lives. I do so want to be with him at that moment.

Hospital Bed Delivered

 

Bill in his new slumber furniture. No more sliding out of his cheapie Wayfair recliner

Bill's hospital bed was delivered today. 

The delivery man (also named "Ron" coincidentally) was coming from Philadelphia. He had several deliveries to make. He told me that I was scheduled for last. By the way, it seems all my life when I have deliveries I'm always last but I digress. Well, today I got lucky because he was going to do a loop from Route 113 (which runs parallel to Route One which I live right next to) then go north on Route One. But he made a wrong turn and ended up on Route One, only a mile from our house. He called me at 2:30 and asked if he could deliver the bed now. Of course! I was waiting all day, passing up my usual afternoon nap, waiting for his call.

"Ron" arrived in our driveway shortly thereafter. The hospital bed was unassembled. Took a while to assemble it. In the meantime I had to tell Bill to wait in his bedroom downstair. 

Ron explained to me how the hospital bed worked. It's easy. No wonder my friend Larry M. likes his hospitable bed which was delivered a few years ago as his ALS progressed. In fact his wife also had a hospital bed delivered for her. 

The hospital bed takes special length sheets which I immediately ordered through Amazon. I LOVE Amazon! I have contributed more than my share to Jeff Bezos's fortunes since I've been care giving for Bill. My Amazon Prime account is paying for itself. No delivery charges!

After Ron left, Bill was very confused as he often is when his routine is disrupted. He'll be alright tomorrow because he will have forgotten all about today's intrusion to his daily routine. 

This hospital bed came none too soon because Bill was treating his recliner as a bed, often sliding on the floor. And you remember last week I had to call on my neighbors to help me lift Bill from the floor. I can only call on their help so much.

Tomorrow his hospice nurse visits. Bill is sleeping almost twenty hours a day now. He's sleeping now. 

He's only eating two meals a day, if that. 

He says he feels "different." I'm not sure what that means since this the first (and I hope last) time I'm experiencing first hand someone dying. 

Bill wants to go. Every day he tells me. I feel so bad for him. But he is fading. He's not the Bill I've lived with for most of the past fifty-nine years. Whenever I think of the way Bill used to me, a profound sadness threatens to overwhelm me. I force my mind to think of something else. 

One day at a time folks. Today we made progress.

Bill and Ron Update

 

Bill and me at the VA Outpatient Clinic in Georgetown, DE January 29, 2020 - one year before his strokes in January of 2021

Bill couldn't get out of his chair this morning when I went to his bedroom to prepare him for the day.. I was able to get him up.

Later in the morning Bill slid out of his recliner chair in the sunroom. He didn't fall but slid out while trying to get up to go to the bathroom. He was on the floor and couldn't get up. I tried but couldn't get him up. I called my neighbor for help. He came over with his housekeeper and the three of us were able to get him up. 

Bill managed to tell me between his episodes of dementia that he was "ready to go." He also told me that he wanted me to "do what I had to do to help myself". By that he meant he no longer opposed me taking several days off for respite care. Also he didn't oppose a hospital bed in our sunroom and help from hospice. 

The help from hospice would be one of the volunteers to sit with Bill for a couple of hours while I take my afternoon nap. I cannot continue being on alert every waking hour and now non waking hours for Bill's latest confusion. I don't need anyone to help me wash and dress Bill and change is Depends which I do twice a day now.

Hospice will deliver the hospital bed tomorrow. I won't be able to take advantage of the respite care until a room is available at hospice. Also, I have to get through this holiday (President's Day) weekend. Probably the middle of next week at the earliest will I be able to get a break. 

Not to make this about myself but I'm almost at my end here folks. I thought I could do it but I'm afraid I'm reaching my limit. Hopefully with some respite breaks and the hospital bed which should prevent Bill sliding on the floor again and the hospice volunteers to sit with Bill while I nap, I can continue to have Bill here at home.

Remember this folks, I'm not the only caregiver going through this. Still managing but with some changes.

Now For Something Different

 

An aerial view of NSA Headquarters at Ft. George G Meade, Maryland 1960
I was stationed there from October 1960 to January 1963. I was in the next to last barracks above to the right of the NSA Building. The NSA headquarters was opened in 1957. Only three years old when I arrived there in October of 1960. I used to walk to work everyday. You can see the winding sidewalk to the left of the barracks buildings. I made that walk for two and a half years. Some of the best years of my life. I will always remember my time there.

Good morning folks! 

I'm going to try something different this morning with my blog post. I'm taking a break from sharing my caregiving adventures (last night was a doozy) and share with you some of my past personal history.

At this time of my life (nearing the end), I often think of my past experiences of the past eighty-two years of my life's journey on this earthly plane.

Of course when I graduated from high school I wanted to go to college. Or at least an art school to train to be a commercial artist. Alas it was not to be because my family neither had the money for college nor was I smart enough for a scholarship. Perhaps the main reason was that I lacked the self confidence to work my way through college. 

I wanted to get a job in the commercial business field but back in the Fifties most of the office jobs in the newspaper were for females. Remember those ads? Male and female? The jobs I wanted were almost always in the Female column. Gay from Day One, that was me. What was I to do? Join the Army. Get that obligation out of the way. And yes, I did feel that I owed my country at least three years of my life in service to my country. Unlike The Orange Jesus who has voiced that anyone who served their country were "suckers and losers." But I digress. 

As regular followers of this blog know, I was in the Army from January of 1960 to January 1963. I joined the Army because I felt it was my obligation as a citizen of this country and also to avoid the draft. I knew I would eventually get drafted and I figured if I joined I would at least have a choice in what branch of the Army I would serve my duty to our country. I definitely didn't want to be in a combat unit. I didn't want to shoot anybody and I definitely didn't want anybody shooting at me. 

I originally wanted to join the Navy ("see the world") but through a serendipity set of circumstances I was persuaded by the Army recruiter at my local U.S. Post Office to join the Army and I could "still see the world" but only had to serve "three years instead of four."  Well, he talked me into switching my enlistment papers from Navy to Army. 

The Army recruiter suggested that I join the Army Security Agency. That would six months at Ft. Devens Massachusetts (after an eight week Basic Training at Ft. Dix, New Jersey)

Me after completing Army Basic Training 1960, before I went to Ft. Devens, Mass.

they assignment, almost always overseas. He said "Ninety percent of ASA school graduates got over seas assignments." 

As my luck would have it by the time my class of twenty-seven graduated only a few of the assignments were overseas. We choose our assignments based on our class standing. I was #6 in my class of twenty-seven. There were two England assignments (they went FAST!), a couple in Turkey (a mountain top near Russia) and the rest were in mainland United States. Two Rock Ranch, Arizona, Ft. Bragg North Carolina, and a couple of others that I forgot. There was one for Ft. Meade Maryland, only two hours from my home in Downingtown, Pennsylvania. I could go home every weekend (which I did most of the time). I choose Ft. Meade. This I spent all three years of my enlistment in the Army on the East Coast. Funny thing, both of my younger brothers followed me in joining the Army their big brother joined. Both went to Germany. They wanted to stay stateside. Didn't happen. In fact my youngest brother's oldest daughter was born in Germany. I have yet to visit a foreign county. Oh wait, I do visit Canada. Does Canada count as a foreign country?

Me at Ft. Devens, Mass (tall guy second from the left) with Duane Osten and Russ Hagerman. I soldier on my right was our platoon sergeant whose name I've forgotten. He wasn't in our clique.

My stay at Ft. Meade was great though. I was only there a few months when I was asked to be the assistant platoon sergeant, Cliff Taylor

. Mainly because I was the only soldier in the barracks who cared about keeping the barracks ready for weekly inspection. The platoon sergeant lived off base with his girlfriend and he didn't want to be bothered with the weekly Thursday night GI parties. Didn't bother me. A big plus was I got a private room. Actually I shared a room with him but he was rarely there, spending all his time at his girlfriend's place. Cliff was from Georgia. A great guy.

One of the rare times my roommate Cliff was in his bunk. 

Even loaned me his car once for one of my disaster dates. That's another story which I may (or may not) share later). I've always wondered what happened to Cliff. Maybe someone will read this blog after an Internet search for Cliff's name and tell me. Cliff was one of those guys in my lifetime who was very kind to me and changed my life. Thank you Cliff.

Me in the main barracks at Ft. Meade before I moved in the private room with Cliff Taylor - 1960 (back in my cigarette smoking days)

I just got a call from Delaware Hospice. Bill is being readmitted. The nurse is coming over this afternoon. I have to get ready. I have some errands to run this morning. I will continue this personal history of mine in a later blog post. 

I'll end with this latest picture of the NSA headquarters at Ft. Meade. Wow, they have grown!

NSA Headquarters, Ft. Meade, Maryland. You can see my old barracks in the upper right. The row of red brick buildings.

Bill Kelly February 12, 2024 Update

 

Bill Kelly U.S. Army Japan 1947 at the Great Bhudda (Bill is standing in front of the Bhudda with his arms akimbo)

Good morning folks.

A lot of changes here with Bill's health. 

I don't have time to post everything right now but I will later. Just trying to catch up now.

However, I will say that Bill is still with us and here at home where I can care for him. 

He is becoming progressively weaker and his cognitive ability has significantly decreased. 

I am basically taking care of a ninety-five year old child now who often awakes me at night, confused as to what time it is.

My purpose in posting an update now is to take down that awful picture I had of Bill with my last blog post. I should not have posted that picture of Bill in is declined state. From here on out I will only post photos of Bill as I remember him when he was in the prime of life. 

Nobody told me to do this. I decided to make this change myself.

With all that happens I am so appreciative that I can still take care of Bill here at home where he is most comfortable. 

I will update more when I get things under control here.

Bill's Medical Update February 6, 2024

Bill this morning

 Good morning longtime blog followers, friends of mine. 

Bill's medical condition continues to deteriorate.

These are the developments that have occurred since I last posted about Bill's medical condition.

His dementia has worsened. Whereas before he was "out of it" (Sundowner's) at about four o'clock in the afternoon (after I got up from my nap), now he slips into confusion around noontime. 

His dementia isn't like Alzheimer's because he does have moments of lucidity. Yesterday, when the representative from hospice was here (she was here to maybe put Bill back on hospice but Bill didn't qualify this time because the doctor says he can "walk the stairs"), she told me that Bill probably has "vascular dementia." That is different vascular components of his brain are failing thus the rapid change (rather than gradual) in Bill's cognitive abilities. For instance, two days ago when Bill went to the bathroom he pulled up his pant legs instead of pulling his pants down to take a pee. Then he was all confused and fell (probably slipped) on the floor where he sits in the sunroom most of the day. We woke me from my afternoon nap. 

By the way, I apologize in advance for my narrative if it isn't in strict chronological order. So much has been happened in the past week or so in Bill's condition. 

After I got Bill up and organized, I feed him his usual egg not protein rich concoction. He's having even more trouble swelling even that pure liquid now. Shortly thereafter he went to bed around six PM. 

At three AM in the morning I heard Alexa playing music in the kitchen. I rounded the corner from my bedroom to the kitchen and there was Bill sitting in his sunroom chair waiting for his "dinner." Bill has got his times backwards. I checked and this was another symptom of dementia. I couldn't' convince him that it was three AM in the morning so I just sat with him for awhile. Later I went to bed and got up around 8 AM.

I called his VA home healthcare provider and informed her of the changes in Bill. She called the hospice to get him back on. But as I said they turned Bill down because he "can climb the stairs." 

Bill still manages to go to the bathroom by himself but he gets things backwards now. I don't want to gross you all out but let's just say all the pee isn't going in the toiled. He gets more on himself and clothing and Depends than he does the toilet. Yes, it is gross and something which I dreaded when this caregiving job landed on me. The toilet stuff. I hate it but as my late cousin Bud Tipton advised me when I asked him for advice (he was his mother's caregiver for a number of years and he had to deal with the colostomy bag changing), "Ronnie, you do what you have to do." And I do. However, I do take Bill's urine soaked Depends and put them in a box and put them in my garden shed so his bedroom and our house doesn't smell like a gay bar bathroom at the end of Saturday night festivities.

Bill is at the end of his life. I am very sad even contemplating not having Bill around anymore in my life. But Bill has actually been exiting very slowly for the past three years. He's not the Bill he used to Bill for most of our fifty-nine years together. I can no longer share neighborhood gossip with him (oh I DO miss that). He can no longer do his projects (many of which were of a great help around our house). And I just miss his zest for life. He's not the same Bill  I've known for lo these many years. But still, there will be a huge void in my life when his presence is no longer in this house or my life.

But at times like this I think of the positive too. He's not in excruciating pain. He is uncomfortable with the sores on his but cheeks which I treat twice a day but he's not in awful pain. For that I am very thankful. Also, he knows who I am. 

HE KNOWS WHO I AM. 

So folks, if I don't post as often as I used to please understand that I'm dealing with this new situation as best as I can. My goal is to keep Bill here at home, a home he loves so much, and comfortable until his time comes to leave this life.