Fort Devens, Massachusetts ASA School Class

Me and my Army buddies at Ft. Devens, Mass. ASA school April 1960 during a break between classes. Yes, my camera. I was even taking pictures back then! I only wish I had taken more.

 Ah, I remember when this picture was taken sixty-two years ago at Fort Devens, Massachusetts. 

I was attending a six month Army Security Agency school along with hundreds of my fellow Army buddies, all of whom had just recently completed basic training.

My camera was used to take this picture during a smoke break of our morning class. 

The three years of my life I spent in the Army from 1960 to 1963 were themes formative of my life.

I've forgotten a lot of what I've done in the sixty-two years since this picture was taken but I remember almost everything I did from basic training at Fort Dix New Jersey, to my six months at Fort Devens, Massachusetts to my remaining two and a half years at Fort George G. Meade, Maryland at the National Security Agency. 

While the more privileged (and entitled) in my age group at that time (Fifties Generation) went to college, paid for my their parents, the Great Scrum of my generation was either drafted or joined the Army to:

• Have a job
• Get an education or acquire a skill
• Further my socialization education

I accomplished all three.

When I joined the Army I was a timid church mouse, afraid of my own shadow. 

Three years later, when I left (only because I was gay), I had acquired a level of self confidence and worldly experience in interrelations with all kinds of my fellow soldiers that I could never of had if I went to a college. 

I made friends for life and acquired lifetime medical care, which I use to this day. If I wasn't gay, I would have made a career out of staying in the Army. But back in this Bad Old Days, when being gay was a crime, I had no choice. I had to get out before they caught me and folks, I wasn't going to life my life in a closet.

So when pictures like this pop up on my Facebook account like it did this morning, I am reminded of those wonderful days of my formative youth, some of the best days of my life. 

I've been very lucky in my life folks. I've had a good one. Hopefully I have a few more years but if I don't, then seeing pictures like this remind me that my life wasn't lived in vain.

By the way, can you spot me in this photo? I'm fourth from the right in the back behind the guy in front of me with a cigarette dangling out of his mouth. We all smoked cigarettes back in that day. 

I'm standing with my good friends Bob McCamley and Jim Allen, both gone now. Jim died in an auto accident a few years after this picture was taken. Drunk driving (he did like to drink). Bob died in 2013 from Parkinson's Disease. He is the reason I live in Delaware now. The tall guy in front putting a cigarette in his mouth is Dick Egan. I don't know what happened to him. We four were inseparable. So many good memories. 

Cedar Lined Walk In Closet

 

Finished cedar lined closet

Last Sunday I finally completed cedar lining my walk-in closet. Now I can die, or move.

This is a job I've been wanting to do since I had our house built here in southern Delaware in 2006. 

Sixteen years! 

I've always liked cedar lined closets. When we had our home built in Pennsylvania in 1980 I insisted on cedar lining our walk-in closets.  

At our Pennsylvania home I had a very large cedar lined closet in the master bedroom. I also had a large walk-in closet in the hallway. Those cedar lined closets were a luxury I afforded myself. I even had that requirement written into my contract with my builder. Of course he tried to cheap out and put cedar chip board up, telling me "it's the same." Well, actually it's not. Cedar chip board is a cheap, inexpensive way to a builder to cut corners again as builders are wont to do. I had a showdown with my builder over that requirement telling him "If it's the same thing then put the individual cedar boards up." Of course I had an advantage over him because this was in 1980 and the builder I was using wasn't building a spec home but one under contract to me. I refused to pay him the next installment on building the house unless he put the cedar board up AS STATED IN MY CONTRACT WITH HIM.

He was so pissed off that he ordered the cedar board and had the job done. He did do a good job and there was extra cedar board.  I meant to do the other closets but never got around to it. I had all that extra cedar board stored for twenty-five years.

When we moved to Delaware in 2006 I brought that cedar board with me, fulling intending to cedar line my two walk-in closets in my master bedroom. Now, sixteen years later I finally got the job done!

Ron's walk-in closet #1

Ron's walk-in closet #2

I love the smell of cedar, reminds me of forests and being in the woods. And this cedar board lined closet smells great! 

Now I can die.

Cataracts And Other Observations of Today's World

It is time for my cataract surgery. My right eye is always cloudy now. 

For the past several years my eye doctor has told me that I have cataracts forming in my eyes but that surgery wasn't necessary.....yet. Now I think it is time. 

It is annoying to look out my right eye and see that permanent cloud. I look at my eye at it looks clear from the outside but that not what I'm seeing from the inside.

Now the question is "What to do with Bill during my surgery." 

The surgery itself only takes about two hours in all from the times I check in until I check out. I know this because Bill had cataract surgery several years ago.

Bill always goes with me to my myriad of doctors' appointments. He sits in the car and waits for me. Having him sit in the car for over two hours would be too much for him.  Of course I could leave him here at home but I don't trust him. Just this morning he was on his step ladder putting more masking tape over the heating/air conditioning vent in his bedroom. Bill is ALWAYS  cold and he is fearing this summer when I have to have the air conditioning run-in our house. I one of those persons who cannot breath in heavily humid air. Some of my friends don't believe me, they say "you can acclimate yourself to the heat and humidity." Of course that would be Pat. But I can't. I literally feel like I'm smothering and on the verge of passing out. I guess a dead Ron would prove to him that I can't take the humid heat. Regular heat I can take (Palm Springs) but this humid heat that is produce here on the Delmarva Peninsula with has the Atlantic Ocean on one side and the Chesapeak bay on the otherwise, it's a potential killer for me.

My appointment with my eye doctor is May 9th. I'll work something out with Bill. If worse comes to worse he'll just have to stay home by himself that morning that I have my cataract surgery.

I also put in a call to my gastroenterologist. It's time for my every three years colonoscopy. Same thing, I'll be put "under" for a period of time early in the morning. Again, I'll have to work something out. I guess I can ask my neighbor Bob M. to look in on Bill. He's the widower who lives next door with his late wife's Yorkie, that I have to walk in about an hour because Bob's off fishing today. I hate to ask him to watch Bill but I'm pretty sure he would do it. There is no one else to ask. I can put Bill in the hospice center for a day but he won't hear of it. 

Whenever I feel the world closing in on my when I'm in one of these quandaries I say to myself:

"Self, it could be a lot worse. You could be living in Ukraine next to the sub human Putin and his murderous Russians destroying your country while bombing, torturing, raping and killing your innocent civilians. Yes Ron, life could be a LOT WORSE. This is nothing."

Then again we are living in a country where one former president is above the law, not held accountable for a lifetime of crime committed bracingly in public and still roaming free after a failed coup attempt to overthrow the last election. 

We are living in a country where one political party (the Republicans) have no shame in perpetuating the Big Lie that Trump won the last election and are doing everything in their power to undermine our democracy right now. These are perilous time we live in my friends. About half our country is brainwashed and the other half is just trying to survive day to day. Then there is Ukraine. Could be a lot worse. Thank God we have neighbors like Canada and Mexico. One country can't wait to get into our country to raise their standard of living and the other country (Canada of course) is a paragon of excellence and good neighborliness. And then you have Ukraine who has the misfortune to have monstrous Russia as their neighbor.

Spring Has Sprung

 

This year's crop of spring tulips, a little too far away from the house

A few days ago I finally got out my John Deere EZ-Trak Zero Degree Turn Riding Mower and mowed our grass. Oh how good that felt. 

Still a bit chilly for riding the mower but the grass had to be mowed. Our backyard was starting to resemble a prairie. 

About two-thirds of our lawn has recovered from that devastating army worm infestation last July. We still have fairly large patches of dead grass (brown patches) but if you look at the lawn a certain angle from our back deck, you can see the all green grass. Hopefully, by the end of the summer our lush green expanse of Almost an Acre lawn has returned to its former glory as the best lawn in the neighborhood. 

All the hundreds of tulips that I planted last fall are in bloom now. I planted them at the far border. You can see the variety of tulip colors from our sunroom but actually they are a bit too far away. Next year I'll plant tulips at the front of our house. That way we can share the variety of tulip spring colors with our neighbors. Right now I only have yellow daffodils out front and they are about done blooming.

Bill continues to do well, albeit he's not the same person he was before his strokes but he is better than he was this time last year. Bill could probably last a couple more years at this rate. 

I still have to help him dress and undress and shower. He can't prepare his own meals and he still gets confused about time and day but he knows who I am. He is in more pain now because of the arthritis in his fingers but I'm giving him Tylenol every six hours and that seems to control his pain.

I'm looking forward to this week of NO DOCTORS' APPOINTMENTS. I still miss my job at the hotel and my quarterly trips with Pat but this is my new reality. I watch the ongoing news about Ukraine and all that death and destruction by the subhuman Russians led by Evil himself, Vladimir Putin and I am reminded how lucky I am to live in this country. We don't have to worry about our neighbors Canada or Mexico invading our country and trying to wipe us out just because they can. And I am also reminded how lucky I am that Bill isn't in worse shape. He can get around and go to the bathroom by himself and again, he knows who I am. 

Have a great week everyone!

Got to bring those tulips in closer to the house next year. Not the still brown patches in our lawn still recovering from the army worm invasion of last July.

Dermatologist Visit

 

Blister from application of liquid nitrogen to remove skin growth from my right foot

Last Friday I had an appointment with my dermatologist to remove a growth on my right foot. This is the third try. 

She really laid on the liquid nitrogen spray on that stubborn growth. The result is a monster burn blister.

Of course my first impulse is to pop the blister but I read that those blisters are to protect the wound while it heals. 

A dome is formed over the wound and healing liquid is under the dome.

All week I've been limping around like the old man that I am. 

I can wear my Sketchers but not my Crocs. 

Last night was the worst for this blister, the pain on a one to ten scale was about six sometimes shooting to seven. 

The pain kept waking me up.

I usually sleep on my right side, just the wrong side for this blister. 

This morning for the first time since last Friday I woke up almost pain free. 

I am so  tired of doctors' visits and pain. So tired. 

But then again my life could be much worse. Think of those poor people living in Ukraine. That puts my life in perspective doesn't it?

Results of Bone Marrow Biopsy

Methuselah - 969 years old (so the Bible says)

 This morning I had an 8:00 AM appointment with my hematologist doctor to go over the results of my bone marrow biopsy.

Ever since last fall I've had this dread hanging over my head that I'm going to have another medical issue like my prostate cancer diagnosis in 2013. 

This morning was Revelation Day. 

Would I have cancer of my blood like my brother John who died March 18, 2022 of the same thing (lymphoma). John fought his cancer for three years. When he died his cancer was in remission but the chemotherapy destroyed his other organs. That's what he died of, the chemotherapy. I already made the decision that I would never have chemotherapy. I would not go through the over five hundred medical appointments he had for the last there years. Losing more than half his body weight. Losing his ability to taste food. No, not the path I would choose.

So it was with great apprehension that I awaited in the little room at the cancer center for my doctor to see me. 

I could hear his Indian accent taking to a patient in the room next door. By the tone of his voice and the patient I could tell that that patient was receiving the bad news that he had cancer. I couldn't make out exactly what they were saying but again, by they tone of their voices I could tell it wasn't good news.

Their conversation went on for about twenty minutes then silence. I was next. 

The next ten minutes there were no sounds. Then I heard my doctor enter my room with his clipboard. 

He sat down and pulled his chair up next to me and said "Good news! You don't have cancer!"

I didn't hear much of what he had to say, that's how relieved I was. I can't be sick. I have to be here to take care of Bill. 

I.WAS.SO.RELIEVED

I've been through many of these doctor/patient collations after a test or biopsy and always received good news until that fateful day in 2013. That was the day when my urologist told me that I had prostate cancer.

I wasn't expecting that diagnosis. When I heard it I was stunned like Walter White in that scene from "Breaking Bad" when his doctor informed him he had terminal cancer. All Walter White could concentrate on after receiving his "You have cancer" matter of fact announcement from his doctors was the mustard stain on his doctor's tie. My urologist wasn't wearing tie, just a white medical smock. What I do remember was how matter of fact he was about the fact I had CANCER. He gave me my options the first being "You don't have to do anything at your age, you'll probably die of something else." When I heard that statement I immediately thought "You talking to me?" I looked over my should to see if someone else was in the room. There was not. He WAS talking to me. Hey, I knew I was old but I wasn't Methuselah. 

Well, thank God I didn't have to make THAT decision this morning. 

A good day folks, a good day! 

Ukraine

Ukrainian President Zelensky at Buch after the Russian massacre 

of innocent civilians.

 These days what is most on mind is the horror that is going on in Ukraine.

The cause of all of this is the evil that resides in the Kremlin in Russia, Vladimir Putin.

Yesterday I saw the video of the Russian soldier's atrocities perpetuated in the Kiev suburb of Bucha that Ukrainian president Zelensky showed during his speech at the United Nations. 

I am very squeamish about such videos of man's inhumanity to man and animals. But I forced myself to watch the results of the evil Putin has rained on Ukraine. And for what? Because Putin has decided that Ukraine should not exist as a nation. 

His army failed in seizing the Ukrainian capital of Kiev in days as he had obviously assumed would happen. He thought the Ukrainians would collapse in hours and the Ukrainian president would flee much as the Afghanistan president Ghani fled his capital as soon as the American pulled out. 

So what does Putin do? He retreats but leaves death and destruction in his wake. The Russian Army has a well earned reputation for war crimes against civilians. How such barbarism could exist along side such cultural achievements as the Bolshoi Ballet and Russian composers such as Tchaikovsky boggles my mind. Of course such barbarism exists in all countries including ours but Russia is a special case. How can their population continually put into power soulless despots like Putin?

Putin will lose this war with Ukraine. However, this will not happen until there is much more death and destruction, not only in Ukraine but world wide. Yes, we are already in World War III. 

As a little kid I will never forget those atom bomb drills where we had to "hide" under our desks in first grade in preparation for Russian bombing us. Here I am seventy-five years later still worrying about a bomb, this time a nuclear bomb.  I have no desk to hide under to and at my age, I'm ready to go anytime anyway. But what saddens me to a degree I didn't know was possible all those Ukrainians whose lives have been lost and disrupted because of an invasion by their barbaric neighbor Russia "just because." 

I try to imagine our neighbor Canada invading us, dropping bombs on our major cities just because they don't think we should exist as a country. Hard to imagine right? 

We live in a world where evil exist. Nothing personifies that evil more than that little insecure man who sits at the seat of power in the Kremlin, Vladimir Putin. Believe me, his time of accountability of crimes against humanity will come. 

Reflections On An Old Man Sleeping In A Chair

 

Bill with his electric blanket staying warm

This morning I read a blog post by my longtime blogger friend "Spo" of "Spo-Reflections." 

His post this morning was about watching his father asleep in his chair. This week is "Spo's" turn (he and his brothers take turns caregiving for their 85 year old father) to watch after his father. See HERE for his blog posting. 

Reading his blog post is prompting me to write my own blog post about my situation of watching "An Old Man Sleeping In a Chair." That old man would be my partner and husband of fifty-seven years. 

Bill spends sixteen to eighteen hours a day in his chair, mostly sleeping. 

He has two recliners. One in his bedroom in which he sleeps in (see the photo of him covered with his full length electric blanket at the beginning of this post). His other recliner is in our sunroom where he spends most of his daylight hours.

Bill doesn't get undressed for bed. However I do undress him every morning to change his Depends and every third day is Shower Day, which he hates. This morning was Shower Day. 

Like Spo's father, Bill is always cold. ALWAYS. Even now that he is off the blood thinner Eliquis, he's still cold. For a while we had a space heater in his downstairs bedroom that we constantly had to adjust to keep his room somewhere between 80 and 90 degrees. That was very expensive last summer when we also had the air conditioning on. 

This year, thank goodness Bill has gotten used to the full length electric blanket which I tuck around his neck before I put him to bed at "night" which is usually around 6:30 PM. He gets up when I get up in the morning somewhere between 7 AM and 8 AM. 

Other than his breakfast of oatmeal in the morning, Ensure or a chocolate milk for lunch, and more oatmeal for dinner followed by a pudding (Bill has no teeth and has trouble swallowing), Bill sleeps most of the day. The one exception is when I take him for his daily ride. Sometimes I kill two birds with the "daily ride." Yesterday I visited my dermatologist which resulted in a quarter sized blister on my right foot to remove a stubborn skin abnormality (third time trying this). I am now limping around in pain from the blister. But that's another whole avenue that I'm not going to traverse right now. 

Bill is legally blind (macular degeneration). He is hard of hearing. His cognitive abilities are decreasing. Yesterday he got confused during his morning walk around the neighborhood cul de sac and I had to retrieve him from our next door neighbor's garage which Bill insisted was our house (oh the embarrassment). Sometimes Bill get the wrong driveway but this was the first time he insisted he was in the right garage (he wasn't). 

Bill in our neighbor's garage yesterday reluctant to leave because he thought it was our garage

Bill has always worked on "projects". Sometimes now, actually most of the time, get frustrated and dejected saying "I'm a worthless piece of shit! I'm good for nothing." I have to calm him down and reassure him is not "worthless" and after a lifetime of hard work it is now time for him to rest. But that is not in his nature.

Several months ago he asked for a small radio so he could listen to the news. I ordered a transistor radio from Amazon. Bill couldn't operate it because he can't see the dials. He didn't use it. Prior to this he was using his old radio in his basement workshop but I had to stop him from using it because he was going to break the tape player. That radio is a combination radio/tape player that you can't get anyone. He pushes any buttons and usually ended up using the "Pause" button and then the "Play" button which will eventually break the belt that runs the tape player, something he's done to another tape/radio player we have. I thought the transistor radio would work for him but no.

A few weeks ago I got the idea to order an Echo Dot for him, much like Spo's father has one. I thought that would work for him. Well, it "sort of" works. For one he was having trouble pronouncing "Alexa" to start the darn thing. He would say "A-LEX-E-A". Poor Echo Dot couldn't that explanation. Now I say "A-LEX-A" for him to start the contraption. 

Bill like to listen to the news. I say "Alexa, current news headlines." Guess what" ALEXA DEFAULTS TO THE LOCAL FOX NEWS STATION! 

WTF????????

I've tried  "NBC News" but no go. I can get CBS news but there is a lot of mumbling guests and fast talking women anchors that Bill can't understand. The Fox News is good on the headlines for about two minutes then it digresses in to it's usual treasonous propaganda format. I refuse to let what is left of Bill's brain after his two stroke, be brainwashed by a news station that is so unAmerican as Fox News whose sole format is to demonize anything Democrats even attempt to do and favor the Orange God King Traitor Criminal who was the former president. Ain't going to let that happen in this house folks. 

I've put music on but Bill can only take so much of his favorite German polka music and I can't listen to my MSNBC TV station because we're both in the space open kitchen/sun room/living room space. So most days Bill is nodding off in his chair in the sunroom or listening to my truth telling station of MSNBC and don't anyone dare to leave a "Both sides do it" comment. That bullshit and you know it. There is only one propaganda Putin loving station in this country and it's Fox News.

I'm contemplating looking for a podcast that Bill would like but I have to do more research in that field since I've never listened to a podcast in my life. Isn't a podcast the same as a radio station except that's it's coming through the Internet? Yeah, that's what I thought. Sounds good if you're on a commute in your car or you disdain TV as being beneath your time. I listen to TV and occasionally watch it like "Judge Judy" because of the facial expressions. I also give my TV my sole attention when watching a Netflix rental movie but the rest of the time I have TV on it's while I'm doing something else like eating lunch, playing online Scrabble on my computer, composing a blog like I'm doing now, writing in my journal. So I guess you can say the bulk of my TV watching is actually like a podcast but with pictures. I was always a comic book type of guy anyway. 

But I digress, back to "The Sleeping Man In A Chair." 

I see the way Bill spends most of his day. As I have said many times before I am thankful that Bill is at home and I can care for him rather than a minimum wage health care worker in a nursing facility. I couldn't sleep at night knowing Bill was in one of those warehouses waiting death. Better that I can care for him in the comfort of his own home. And he deserves it for all that he has done for the many years we have been together.  This is hard work folks but it is a labor of love. I will always be thankful that Bill was returned to me and his home after his two consecutive stroke last January of 2021. 

Bill's hospice nurse for her weekly visit. Last week she asked me if I was Bill's only "son." HA! Much to her shock and embarrassment I informed her that I was Bill's husband. I should have told her I was Bill's grandson.

Of course I've given plenty of thought to my situation should I reach Bill's age. I'm eighty now, not that far away from Spo's father's age of eighty-five. Like Spo, I probably won't have anybody to be my caregiver. Nor do I want to put someone in that position. Pat? He's my good friend and we enjoy our trips together but do I really want to do that to him? No I don't. I don't want to put anyone in that position of changing my Depends every day and showering me every third day, nor prepare my oatmeal and give me my pills and take me out for my daily ride. I'm not criticizing others for choosing that path. I also wouldn't choose the path my recently deceased brother choose, medical treatments for over three year and over five hundred medical appointments to lose his life from "the cure" (chemotherapy). John went through Hell for three years. Absolutely no quality of life. His choice though, not one I would choose. 

I have options should I reach that state of my life. Delaware is still debating the assisted suicide law and probably will be for the next twenty years, that's how squeamish most Americans are about having the choice to end their life in dignity and free of pain. Even if they do enact the law, which I doubt, there would be so many hurdles to jump over, that it wouldn't be worth the effort to even try. What we do for our aged and suffering animals we don't seem to be able to do for our fellow human beings who are suffering or who have decided they have lived long enough and want to check out.

I only have to find out how many pain killer pills to take to effect a successful end of life. Then there is the trip to Belgium, they offer a solution that doesn't require unreasonable obstacles for that Final Decision. Nothing violent for me like hanging or gun in the mouth. Too messy , traumatic or painful and if nothing else I am neat and organized about things in my life including the End. One thing is for sure, no nursing home for me. You won't see me drugged up and nodding my head off in the Final Exit Manor. I just hope that if and when that time comes I will still posses enough of my wits to make that decision. 

I've mentioned this subject (death) before and my friend Spo always responds with "You'll outlive us all!" I hope I do folks, I actually hope I do. But it won't be as an Old Man Sleeping In A Chair." 

Now if you'll excuse me it's time for my afternoon nap.

Paused

 Some days are better than other days. 

Usually when that happens, I don't post.

I'm changing that dynamic.

When things aren't going well I'll post a short message "Not a good day."

Yesterday wasn't a good day. Someone tore off my mailbox lid. That has to be replaced.

Yesterday morning was especially difficult getting Bill ready for the day.

Then to top everything else that I had an "issue" with someone who I care very much for. Probably my fault. 

This morning I have yet another dermatology appointment. I am so sick of all these doctors' appointments. 

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.