|Not my cat. My friend's cat. Bill won't let me have a cat. But every chance I get I'll cuddle up to a cat. I like cats.|
Haven't we all at times felt worthless? Not good enough? Of course you know the answer is that we all have worth. Don't ever let anybody bring you down. WE ALL HAVE WORTH.
As we travel through life there are those who will attempt to belittle you because of their own insecurities. Don't let them do it.
We all want to be liked. Sometimes we think if we act as we think others want us to act, then they will like us. Doesn't work. If you stop being yourself and try to be somebody else who they think you should be, they will lose respect for you and you will lose respect for yourself. It just doesn't work.
Occasionally, on the weekends I watch the MSNBC show "Lockup." This show is about men and women in prison. While most of these people who are in prison are lowlifes and look it, I am surprised by the number of people who are attractive and articulate. It makes me wonder "Where did they go wrong?"
Did they have an abusive childhood? Bill had a very abusive childhood. His father died when Bill was only one year old. His 21 year old father and a group of buddies were drunk and crashed into a bridge abutment, thus ending their lives and changing the whole course of Bill's life. While Bill has his issues (which we won't go into here), one thing Bill is not is an evil person. In fact he is generous to a fault. He doesn't lie, cheat or steal or worse.
My formative childhood years were more neglectful childhood than physically abusive. My father didn't want children and he let me know it. My father always put me down. When I left home to join the Army (I knew enough at that time to at least get away from that environment), I thought I was ugly, stupid and a loser. Much to my surprise I discovered (after some initial confusion) that I was none of those. Even though I was belittled and neglected I never had the urge to rob, cheat or steal. In fact I'm generous to a fault, which has caused me many a problem over the years because of unscrupulous people who attempt to take advantage of me.
One thing Bill and I have in common, we both want to be liked. I guess you could say most people have that need. But where it causes Bill and I problems is, as I mentioned before, there are those who see that trait as a weakness and attempt to take advantage for their own selfish needs. I was very fortunate that I meet Bill when I was just starting out in life. Of course he was fortunate that he met me too. Ours wasn't a lustful, sex crazed attraction but more like two men who were looking for a port in the storm of a sea of folk seeking to use and abuse. We were lucky. Sometimes I don't realize how lucky we were until I see some truly horrible, abusive relationships.
In the forty-eight years that Bill and I have been together, their have been those few times I have sampled the "other side of the fence." What an eyeopener those experiences were. Every time, without fail the object of my desire (and Bill's because he strayed once or twice too, it wasn't just me), betrayed me. Every time folks.
I feel for these bloggers that I read who bemoan the fact that they are alone. They're looking for love and it just isn't there. When I read their sad tales of woe I think "That could be me." Thank God that isn't me."
Then I wonder, is it luck or something to do with me? I've come to the conclusion that it is me.
You see one thing I learned from a childhood of neglect and putdowns was to never accept the putdowns. Never accept someone trying to belittle me whether it was because I am gay and they're straight and they feel that I am a lesser human being. Or if it is a fellow gay person who for whatever reason (and I'm still trying to figure this out), feels a need to belittle and put me down. I can't help but think that those gay people must have a low self-esteem and are losers themselves and that's why they feel the need to strike out and be mean to a fellow gay who they obviously are jealous of. Yes, I said it, jealous.
I heard through the grapevine recently that "Ron doesn't want to have friends." WRONG! I have friends, a lot of friends. Granted most of them are straight. But there is one thing I will never accept again in my lifetime or what remains of it, and that is to be treated as less than by straights or gays. I've put up with too much, especially since I moved to Delaware and the supposedly "gay friendly" resort area of Rehoboth/Lewes/Milton. I find it anything but. I find it very cliquish and exclusionary. Is it me? Probably because I will no longer accept being discounted I will no longer look the other way or ignore when someone, gay or straight, belittles me with an offhanded, vicious comment. I'm done with it folks and I feel like a tremendous burden has been lifted from my shoulders.
Today is a perfect day. The sun is out, the sky is clear, the temperature is a moderate 74 degrees. There is a light breeze rustling our river birch trees in the oval planter in our back yard. The birds of our backyard habitat are busy raising their families. Traffic is streaming down Route 1 towards Rehoboth and shore destinations beyond for yet another glorious summer weekend "at the shore." Bill and I are going to Pennsylvania this weekend to checkout the new owners of our former property. We're curious to see what they did with it. We're not telling them we're coming.
While we're enjoying yet another wonderful weekend here in our Delaware oasis, I will think occasionally of those men and women in prison who do not have the freedom that Bill and I have and wonder why? What caused them to take that path to pain and destruction whereas Bill and I took our rejections and made ourselves stronger.
I think I've figured out a lot in my lifetime but this is one thing that still has me puzzled. You grow up being made to feel worthless and even during your lifetime people attack you to make you feel worthless but some people become stronger while others succumb to self destructive evil ways. This is something that I just don't understand. Food for thought folks, food for thought.