I am full of gas.
Oh I know that's not the FIRST time I've been full of gas or whatever. One thing I wasn't full of this morning was poop. I was totally cleaned out.
Yesterday at 6 PM I took the first dose of that God awful concoction to clean my intestines out. After drinking that still repugnant liquid, I had to wash it down with two 16 ounces of water within an hour.
Folks, I'm not a big water drinker so drinking that copious amount of water I feel like I'm being waterboarded. Then I had to do it all over again at 3 AM.
I had no trouble getting up at 3 AM. That's because I couldn't fall asleep. That's right folks, I spent most of the night on the toilet. Use your imagination. Oh I know some of you (Lar) who have gone through this prep procedure who say it's "no big deal" but with me, drinking that preparation liquid makes me nauseous. This is my fourth time around on this merry-go-round and folks, it's not getting easier. And not to gross you out, after spending all that time on the toilet, my exit port was SORE.
By the way, I couldn't eat anything after a light breakfast yesterday morning. By lunch I was starved for my hummus and split pea soup. But after drinking The Concoction, I didn't have an appetite any more. Now there's a way to go on a diet folks. Before I started drinking The Concoction I weight 170 pounds. This morning I weighed 165 pounds.
So this morning I was all set to leave the house at 7:30 AM for my 8:00 AM appointment at the endoscopy unit in Lewes. Now folks, I've been there before. My urologist is located in the same place and you know how many times I visited him for my prostate cancer. So wouldn't you know I took the wrong turn this morning and found myself in the rush hour traffic lumbering down Savannah Road with those lucky people who weren't having their nether regions explored this morning. After some frustration, trying to find my way back out on Route One through the treacherous Five Points intersection, I had to pull over and let Bill take the reins.
We got there but I still couldn't find the entrance. Too many medical facilities around there. Ironically the whole complex is located right up the road from the Parcells' Funeral Home. Hmmmmm. Just like Beebe Hospital is located right next to a cemetery. I kid you not folks.
So I reported in. "Do you have your completed form?" the receptionist behind the counter asked. Oh no, I left it at home. Other things on my mind. So again, I had to fill out all the medical disclosures forms, my medical history (how many times have I filled out that form in the past three years?) and signing off for liability. If I die during this procedure I have given my approval.
Then I wait. And wait. Actually I didn't have to wait too long. There were others waiting. All old folks like me. I'm there folks.
Then I heard my name called. "Dum de dum dum."
"Lisa" remembered me from five years ago. Interesting, I don't remember her but hey, she was nice. I do remember a male nurse, but this morning the only males around were old geezers like me either getting a colonoscopy or endoscopy (throat exploration).
Lisa said "Wow, that five years went by fast didn't it?" I said "Tell me about it."
She asked me to repeat my name and date of birth. This to make sure they have the right patient. God knows I didn't want anyone probing my throat. And the guy with the throat problem? He wouldn't be too happy to wake up and find that he had an unscheduled probe of his anal regions. By the way, I could hear others in the room were we were all assembled, separated by curtains, stating their name and ages. I was the oldest there. Gone are the days when I was the youngest in the room.
Then I was asked to take off all my clothes except my socks. Been there done that before and no, it wasn't for a porn film. I had white socks on this morning. Black socks are for porn films.
I was then given the hospital gown without a back. Lisa told me "Don't close the back. We need to get in there" I guess so. Easy access.
I disrobed, put on my flimsy blue flower patterned hospital gown and climbed up on the gurney to await my fate.
Lisa came back and checked my veins to insert a stint for my anesthesia. Oh yes, the best part about the colonoscopy procedure. Going to La La Land. A free Trip. I'll take that. I have heavy veins in my hand and arm. So it was disturbing that it hurt bad when she inserted the needle. Man oh man. Sometimes you feel the needle going in and sometimes not. Today I wasn't so lucky.
It was an assembly line operation this morning. I have no problem with that. Apparently the man in the curtained area next to me did because he called the nurse over and asked "Miss, how much longer?" She told him he was next but it would take about twenty minutes. I don't complain about waiting when I'm in a situation like this. I'm patient. I'm a patient who is patient. That's just me. They're doing their job and they don't need any diva antics from me.
I only had to wait about fifty minutes until I was wheeled in "The Circle."
Lisa and I chatted a bit and without warning I became woozy. OH YES! I smiled and said to her "Oh here we go!" The next thing I remember was someone saying "It's all over!"
My doctor came in and told me he found five small polyps. This is my fourth colonoscopy. This is the second time polyps were discovered. Two polyps were discovered during my second colonoscopy fifteen years ago. My changes are good that these polyps are benign but we won't know for sure until the results come back from the biopsy. I have to call and schedule a followup appointment. I was to high this morning to make a rational decision.
With my pleasant anesthesia high, I wandered out of The Circle to see Bill waiting for me. Oh Bill, what would I do without you? Bill has always BEEN THERE for me, to use a tired old cliche. These past three years, with all my medical procedures, Bill has been the one true pillar. Not many people are as fortunate as I am and I know it.
|Me and Bill this morning after my colonoscopy procedure - SELFIE!|
And oh yes, I'm still full of gas. I just proved it by this long blog posting.