Wednesday, July 06, 2016

Full of Gas



I am full of gas. 

Oh I know that's not the FIRST time I've been full of gas or whatever.  One thing I wasn't full of this morning was poop.  I was totally cleaned out.


Yesterday at 6 PM I took the first dose of that God awful concoction to clean my intestines out.  After drinking that still repugnant liquid, I had to wash it down with two 16 ounces of water within an hour.  
Folks, I'm not a big water drinker so drinking that copious amount of water I feel like I'm being waterboarded.  Then I had to do it all over again at 3 AM. 



I had no trouble getting up at 3 AM.  That's because I couldn't fall asleep.  That's right folks, I spent most of the night on the toilet. Use your imagination.  Oh I know some of you (Lar) who have gone through this prep procedure who say it's "no big deal" but with me, drinking that preparation liquid makes me nauseous.  This is my fourth time around on this merry-go-round and folks, it's not getting easier.  And not to gross you out, after spending all that time on the toilet, my exit port was SORE.  

By the way, I couldn't eat anything after a light breakfast yesterday morning.  By lunch I was starved for my hummus and split pea soup.  But after drinking The Concoction, I didn't have an appetite any more.  Now there's a way to go on a diet folks. Before I started drinking The Concoction I weight 170 pounds.  This morning I weighed 165 pounds. 


   
So this morning I was all set to leave the house at 7:30 AM for my 8:00 AM appointment at the endoscopy unit in Lewes.  Now folks, I've been there before.  My urologist is located in the same place and you know how many times I visited him for my prostate cancer.  So wouldn't you know I took the wrong turn this morning and found myself in the rush hour traffic lumbering down Savannah Road with those lucky people who weren't having their nether regions explored this morning.  After some frustration, trying to find my way back out on Route One through the treacherous Five Points intersection, I had to pull over and let Bill take the reins.



We got there but I still couldn't find the entrance.  Too many medical facilities around there.  Ironically the whole complex is located right up the road from the Parcells' Funeral Home.  Hmmmmm.  Just like Beebe Hospital is located right next to a cemetery.  I kid you not folks. 

So I reported in.  "Do you have your completed form?" the receptionist behind the counter asked.  Oh no, I left it at home. Other things on my mind. So again, I had to fill out all the medical disclosures forms, my medical history (how many times have I filled out that form in the past three years?) and signing off for liability.  If I die during this procedure I have given my approval.

Then I wait.  And wait.  Actually I didn't have to wait too long.  There were others waiting.  All old folks like me.  I'm there folks. 

Then I heard my name called.  "Dum de dum dum."

"Lisa" remembered me from five years ago.  Interesting, I don't remember her but hey, she was nice.  I do remember a male nurse, but this morning the only males around were old geezers like me either getting a colonoscopy or endoscopy (throat exploration).  

Lisa said "Wow, that five years went by fast didn't it?"  I said "Tell me about it."  

She asked me to repeat my name and date of birth. This to make sure they have the right patient.  God knows I didn't want anyone probing my throat.  And the guy with the throat problem?  He wouldn't be too happy to wake up and find that he had an unscheduled probe of his anal regions.   By the way, I could hear others in the room were we were all assembled, separated by curtains, stating their name and ages.  I was the oldest there.  Gone are the days when I was the youngest in the room.

Then I was asked to take off all my clothes except my socks.  Been there done that before and no, it wasn't for a porn film. I had white socks on this morning. Black socks are for porn films.


I was then given the hospital gown without a back.  Lisa told me "Don't close the back. We need to get in there"  I guess so.  Easy access.

I disrobed, put on my flimsy blue flower patterned hospital gown and climbed up on the gurney to await my fate.  

Lisa came back and checked my veins to insert a stint for my anesthesia.  Oh yes, the best part about the colonoscopy procedure.  Going to La La Land.  A free Trip. I'll take that.  I have heavy veins in my hand and arm.  So it was disturbing that it hurt bad when she inserted the needle.  Man oh man.  Sometimes you feel the needle going in and sometimes not.  Today I wasn't so lucky.

It was an assembly line operation this morning. I have no problem with that.  Apparently the man in the curtained area next to me did because he called the nurse over and asked "Miss, how much longer?"  She told him he was next but it would take about twenty minutes.  I don't complain about waiting when I'm in a situation like this.  I'm patient.  I'm a patient who is patient.  That's just me.  They're doing their job and they don't need any diva antics from me.

I only had to wait about fifty minutes until I was wheeled in "The Circle."  

SHOWTIME!



Lisa and I chatted a bit and without warning I became woozy.  OH YES!  I smiled and said to her "Oh here we go!"  The next thing I remember was someone saying "It's all over!"  

My doctor came in and told me he found five small polyps.  This is my fourth colonoscopy.  This is the second time polyps were discovered.  Two polyps were discovered during my second colonoscopy fifteen years ago.  My changes are good that these polyps are benign but we won't know for sure until the results come back from the biopsy.  I have to call and schedule a followup appointment.  I was to high this morning to make a rational decision.

With my pleasant anesthesia high, I wandered out of The Circle to see Bill waiting for me.  Oh Bill, what would I do without you?  Bill has always BEEN THERE for me, to use a tired old cliche. These past three years, with all my medical procedures, Bill has been the one true pillar.  Not many people are as fortunate as I am and I know it.


Me and Bill this morning after my colonoscopy procedure - SELFIE!

And oh yes, I'm still full of gas. I just proved it by this long blog posting. 





16 comments:

  1. Hey Ron - you lived to tell the tale. Bravo. And loved the blog with your wit and inclusion of cartoons. Well, I've never heard of anyone who has enjoyed the process, except as you say, going off to La La Land. And even that is worrisome for those who fear going under. But I'm glad it all worked out fine. (I believe that many have polyps which, as you say, are usually benign). So - at least from this you are home free for another 5 years.
    Pat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pat,
      Yes, I lived to tell the tale. I have to admit I'm always worried about "not coming out" of my anesthesia (a la Joan Rivers) but one time I had the procedure in the "twilight zone" and I didn't like that either. I dread this procedure but it is necessary because I don't want to die of colon cancer like so many of my male relatives. Yes I'm "home free" for another five years and I'm glad of it!
      Ron

      Delete
  2. Ron - and, yes, Bill is one terrific guy!!
    Pat

    ReplyDelete
  3. I only had to get up and pee once while reading this! Cracked me up! Sometime, I wish you could do a video blog post and tell story like this, only for the voice inflection. My cheeks hurt from laughing so hard.
    On another note, hope all is fine with your results.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great suggestion Grouchy! Now why didn't I think of posting a video blog? I will next time!
      Ron

      Delete
  4. I was so nervous and read the directions wrong, taking twice as much. I cannot tell you how much clothes I ruined, how long I was on my knees cleaning the carpet and then mopping the bathroom. I was cleaned out immediately. I called the hospital in the middle of the night and could hear the surgeon on call smiling. Then, my doctor did his best not to smile, but I could see it at the corners of his mouth. I know I need another colonoscopy, but I wish they would just sedate me and do the clean out for me. It was absolutely the worst experience of my life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my goodness! I can't imagine! It's bad enough taking the regular dose. At least you were totally cleaned out. I have to admit I had to suppress a smile too.
      Ron

      Delete
  5. I'm glad you can still laugh after all that, Ron. Doesn't exactly sound like a barrel of fun. Still, the relief (in all senses) must be immense. Let's see you getting back to normality and routine in good speed. Go well!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ray,
      Laughing at my situation is the way I get through these tough situations Ray. "The Prep" is awful, no matter what anyone tells you (hear that Lar?) But you're right, I am vastly relieved that I don't have colon cancer unlike several of my male relatives (cousin, uncle and great grandfather) who died of colon cancer. I'm loving getting back to my regular routine.
      Ron

      Delete
    2. I think that sometimes the only way forward is to imagine how much worse things could have been. To paraphrase one of my gods, Shakespeare - if you can still say "This is the worst", then it can't be!

      Delete
  6. You have the key .... never complain about the "hurry up and wait."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Roger,
      I only complain when there is gross negligence or arrogance. Regular delays I have immense patience.
      Ron

      Delete
  7. Ron,

    Isn't it fun to fall into the hands of the doctors? At least they put you to sleep for yours.

    Lar

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lar,
      I firmly believe that if it wasn't for the doctors who have treated me the last ten years, I wouldn't be here now. I've had my share of medical issues. I hope I can coast for a while now. At least for the rest of the summer.
      Ron

      Delete
  8. you make an inconvenient procedure sound funny and almost fun.

    ReplyDelete