Back To My Regular Routine

Ready to enjoy this beautiful spring day!

Now that I have my colonoscopy procedure out of the way, I can get back to my regular routine. I cannot stress how relieved I am. Ever since my colonoscopy three years ago when my doctor found three large precancerous polyps, I've had this dark cloud hanging over my head. Now I only have one dark cloud hanging over my head, President Donald J. Trump.

This morning I engaged in one of my favorite activities, raking dead grass. I find the activity very relaxing as well as good exercise. I love being outside, breathing the fresh air and listening to the birds happily chirping seeking their new mates.

In two weeks time I'll be in Philadelphia to meet Pat, my Canadian Travel Buddy. As regular followers of this blog know, Pat and I get together four times (quarterly) a year.  Spring time and Fall time we meet in Philadelphia.  We stay at  the guest suite at my longtime friend Don McK.'s co-op in center city Philly. That week we're also going to my 60th high school class reunion. This will probably be my last high school class reunion. Members of my class are dying off with increasing frequency. I wonder who will left for our 70th class reunion. Of course I'll take pictures and videos of my class reunion.

I am so relieved that I can get back to my regular routine. Now I'm going to go out and rake some more grass.  

Have a great day!

Colonoscopy Complete!

Yesterday morning I awoke at 3:02 am ready for my last dose of prep solution for my 8:15 am colonoscopy.  This was the second bottle followed by three eight ounces of water within an hour.  God how I hate this procedure but it has to be done, considering the alternative.

I drunk then waited for the solution and water to work its way through my body for the final clean out.  It worked. God did it ever work.

We left early for my 8:15 am appointment at the colonoscopy pavilion.  What's with the "pavilion" anyway?  I wasn't in the mood to ask.

We arrived at the office and again I had to show my ID, insurance cards and fill out yet another set of medical forms including all my prescriptions.  Didn't I just fill that out at the pre colonoscopy appointment I asked?  She said "We need it on this form."  She wasn't happy with my question.  I didn't care.  

I filled out what I could including my prescriptions, which is a list that is growing and growing. Then I took my seat an awaited "the call."

And "the call" came in not too long.  Several other people were called before me, some in for an endoscopy and some for a colonoscopy, all performed by the same doctor. The thought raced though my mind "I hope he doesn't get me mixed up with someone who is getting an endoscopy and gives them a colonoscopy."  But I quickly divorced my brain of that possibility. They have so many checks before the procedure that it's hard to  get the two mixed up.  

I was escorted into an area sectioned off with curtains and told by the doctor's assistant to "remove all your clothes and put this gown on."  And we all know what "gown" that is don't we?  The one that is open in the back. "All the better to see you with" said the Big Bad Wolf to Little Red Riding Hood.

After removing all may clothes but leaving my socks on (which I was given permission), the anesthesiologist came in and introduced herself. She said she remembered me from my procedure three years ago.  She asked if I had any questions. I said "I don't want twilight, I want to go completely under."  She said "We'll give you a good nap."  Then she inserted the IV in my right hand. I hate IV's.  They hurt and stay hurting the whole time they're in.  Man up Ron.  Then they wheeled me in on the gurney into The Room where the procedure is performed. I always like those rides down the hallway on a gurney. Makes me feel important.  Like I'm somebody. God knows I've ridden enough gurneys the past five years what with my prostate cancer, kidney stone, and leg operations. I've lost count.

My doctor was waiting. I saw the TV monitor screen where my intestines will be displayed once The Instrument is inserted in my anal area (ass). 

I also saw my anesthesiologist.  She smiled at me. As I greeted her I felt a "funny" feeling go up the back of my neck.  Oh I know what THAT is.  I had the same experience during one of my kidney stone attacks when I was in the emergency room begging for relief from the intense pain.  The nurse at that time said I would "feel" the solution go up the vein in the back of my neck to my brain and viola! No pain.  This time I knew I was going out so I said "Uh oh, goodbye!"  Of course I don't remember actually going under nor do I remember coming too; just that I was there and then I was told "It's all over."  Oh how I LOVE that anesthetic.  When I die and we will all surely die, that's the way I want to go.  Unfortunately we don't have much of a say in how we go but if he did, that's the way I want to go.  Just a little tingle up my neck then void. Nothingness. Sorry folks, no Heaven.  And to you fire and brimstone evangelicals, no Hell either.  Just a BIG NOTHING.  

My doctor came by and told me "Everything looks fine. We found three small polyps but that isn't unusual for someone who has had polyps like you have had."  He told me to call back in a week for the results of the biopsy.  He seemed confident that I was fine and folks I was vastly relieved that he didn't find cancer.  VASTLY.  So relieved in fact that I felt I had a new lease on life albeit a short one since I am so old.  

Bill had to drive me home since I was still woozy from the anesthesia.  A nice high I might add.  Bill was a little nervous making the three mile drive home on Route One. Traffic wasn't heavy but Bill doesn't have the confidence like he used to driving.  Next time I'll have to get someone else to drive me.  I would hate to have an auto accident after having dodged cancer.  

By the way, Bill's eyes are better.  More on that in a future blog post.

I'm here at work now, feeling free and renewed and ready to tackle the next challenges in our little corner of the world. 


Now I'm ready to go to my 60th class reunion on June 8th.  

Colonoscopy Today!

Today is the day folks!

I got up at 3:15 am this morning to take my second bottle of colonoscopy preparation liquid.  That to be followed with three eight ounces of water within the next hour.  I've done that and let me tell you it was no picnic. It annoys me when I hear others tell me "It's no big deal."  Well folks, I'm here to tell you to me IT.IS.A.BIG.DEAL.  

I can hardly get through it. Gagging and nauseous. Bloated. Feeling like I'm going to pass out. Hey, more power to those of you "It's no big deal" folks. You're lucky!  

I was talking to a guest at the hotel Thursday night. She said she had the same problem with the prep liquid.  She only weighed about one hundred pounds.  She brought up a good point, she said she was taking as much liquid as a two hundred and twenty pound man.  She also got sick from ingesting all that liquid. 

Well, today at 8:15 am I undergo the tube up my behind to check to see if any of those pre cancerous polyps have returned. The one good thing about today, this is probably my last colonoscopy in my lifetime.  Yes folks, I have arrived at that point in my life where there are a lot of "last times."  

Now when I get back later today I'll attack that double billing I got for my last EBay purchase. They charged my Pay Pal account and my Discover card account.  What's that all about?  Always something.

Colonoscopy Prep

Colonoscopy prep solution

Today I begin my colonoscopy prep.  Oh joy.

I think this is my fifth colonoscopy. My doctor said this will probably be my last colonoscopy because of my age.  Yes, I am THAT old.  

I've been dreading this day.  The colonoscopy procedure itself is nothing. I'm knocked out by a very effective anesthesia, it's the prep the day before.  

In addition to not eating all day I have to drink the awful prep solution.  This time I was told the solution tastes like cranberry juice.  Yeah, I'm sure it does.  Just like the last time I was told the prep solution would taste like lime flavored juice.  To me it tasted like lime flavored toiled bowl cleaner. Not that I would know what toilet bowl cleaner taste like but I have a vivid imagination. 

I have two bottles of this prep solution. I gulp down the first bottle (no sipping!) at two o'clock this afternoon. Followed by drinking eight ounces of water once an hour for the following five hours. God, I hate drinking all that water. I feel like I'm going to float away.

Tomorrow morning, the day of my procedure, I have to get up at 3:15 am to drink the second bottle of solution. Fun times. That's followed by three glasses of 8 ounces of water for three hours. 

I have to be at the Seaside Endoscopy Pavillon at 8:15 am tomorrow morning, all clean out. Clean as a whistle. Lean and mean and ready for my colonoscopy scan.  Thank God this is the last one.

By the way, the Seaside Endoscopy Pavillon is just up the road from the funeral home. Eventually that will probably be my last "stop" one of these days. A day I hope is far in the future. But one never knows. 

Update:
5:38 PM 5/14/2019

UGH!  I'm almost through the first phase of cleaning out my bowels.  I drank the "cranberry" flavored solution.  Guess what folks?  It is just as horrible as all the previous solutions I drank.  I'm literally gagging now.  

After drinking that solution I had to follow it with a glass of eight ounces of water every hour for five hours.  I have one more glass to go.  I hope I can make it.  And yes, it is "cleaning" me out.  God.

Early tomorrow at 3:15 AM I get up to take the second bottle of solution followed by three glasses of eight ounces of water.  At least I'm not taking five glasses.  

I hope I can make it folks.  I've heard others says "the prep isn't so bad."  Not here folks, it is AWFUL.  

After this last glass of water, I'm going to have my "dinner" of clear chicken broth.  Yum!

Ron's Colonsocopy Appointment

Me at my doctor's office this morning filling out more medical history forms

This morning I had my pre colonoscopy appointment. 

I am scheduled for my colonoscopy next Wednesday morning. Oh joy.

My last colonoscopy was three years ago. At that time they found three large polyps that were precancerous.  My doctor removed those polyps and scheduled me for another colonoscopy in only three years.  Oh joy.

After checking my vitals this morning he gave me the go ahead for my last colonoscopy.  He told me "At your age (there we go with the "at your age" thing again" - same thing I heard when my urologist discovered my prostate cancer) this should be the last time you need a colonoscopy."  What? I'll probably die of something else as my urologist advised me when we discussed treatments for my prostate cancer.

The one thing I hate about getting a colonoscopy is the "prep".  I was assured by his assistant that the new prep "taste like cranberry juice."  I hope.  I know it cost me $110 and that was with a $57 discount.  I get my meds through the VA but I don't have time to navigate that bureaucracy to get my prep kit from them and besides if I did, I would probably get that prep that taste like lime flavored anti-freeze. Not that I would know what anti-freeze taste like. 

The good thing about getting a colonoscopy, in addition of course to detecting possible colon cancer in time, is getting "knocked out."  I imagine that anesthesia is what death is like.  Just a complete void that you don't even know you're going out.  So strange coming back from the dead.  But one day I will experience that final "anesthesia", that's for sure.  We all have that date with destiny.  

Colonoscopy Biopsy Results

Seaside Gastroenterology Consultants

This morning at 8 am I had my followup visit to my colonoscopy of a few weeks ago.  

During my colonoscopy the doctor removed five polyps. They were sent out for a biopsy. My appointment with the doctor's office this morning was to review the results of that biopsy.  

I was informed the polyps were precancerous. 

I have to admit that this wasn't the result I wanted to hear.  No one want to hear the "C" word as a result of a medical procedure.

The good news is that I don't have cancer.  The bad news is that I am producing those polyps. 

There were three results I could have had.

• Benign polyps
• Precancerous polyps
• Cancerous polyps
• 
  

What do I do now besides have something else to worry about?  I was told that I have to have a colonoscopy every three years now. While I'm not looking forward to having a colonoscopy every three years it's a lot of better than the alternative.

Three years.  

It's been three years since I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. I was upset by that diagnosis too but I took steps to remove that cancer (seed implants) and have been cancer free since. 

Let's face it folks, something is going to get us.  No one lives forever.  I'm at that age when my "yesterdays are more than my tomorrows" but I am thankful that I'm still here.  And folks, believe me, I'm going to make the most of whatever healthy days I have left. 

Full of Gas

I am full of gas. 

Oh I know that's not the FIRST time I've been full of gas or whatever.  One thing I wasn't full of this morning was poop.  I was totally cleaned out.

Yesterday at 6 PM I took the first dose of that God awful concoction to clean my intestines out.  After drinking that still repugnant liquid, I had to wash it down with two 16 ounces of water within an hour.  
Folks, I'm not a big water drinker so drinking that copious amount of water I feel like I'm being waterboarded.  Then I had to do it all over again at 3 AM. 

I had no trouble getting up at 3 AM.  That's because I couldn't fall asleep.  That's right folks, I spent most of the night on the toilet. Use your imagination.  Oh I know some of you (Lar) who have gone through this prep procedure who say it's "no big deal" but with me, drinking that preparation liquid makes me nauseous.  This is my fourth time around on this merry-go-round and folks, it's not getting easier.  And not to gross you out, after spending all that time on the toilet, my exit port was SORE.  

By the way, I couldn't eat anything after a light breakfast yesterday morning.  By lunch I was starved for my hummus and split pea soup.  But after drinking The Concoction, I didn't have an appetite any more.  Now there's a way to go on a diet folks. Before I started drinking The Concoction I weight 170 pounds.  This morning I weighed 165 pounds. 

   
So this morning I was all set to leave the house at 7:30 AM for my 8:00 AM appointment at the endoscopy unit in Lewes.  Now folks, I've been there before.  My urologist is located in the same place and you know how many times I visited him for my prostate cancer.  So wouldn't you know I took the wrong turn this morning and found myself in the rush hour traffic lumbering down Savannah Road with those lucky people who weren't having their nether regions explored this morning.  After some frustration, trying to find my way back out on Route One through the treacherous Five Points intersection, I had to pull over and let Bill take the reins.

We got there but I still couldn't find the entrance.  Too many medical facilities around there.  Ironically the whole complex is located right up the road from the Parcells' Funeral Home.  Hmmmmm.  Just like Beebe Hospital is located right next to a cemetery.  I kid you not folks. 

So I reported in.  "Do you have your completed form?" the receptionist behind the counter asked.  Oh no, I left it at home. Other things on my mind. So again, I had to fill out all the medical disclosures forms, my medical history (how many times have I filled out that form in the past three years?) and signing off for liability.  If I die during this procedure I have given my approval.

Then I wait.  And wait.  Actually I didn't have to wait too long.  There were others waiting.  All old folks like me.  I'm there folks. 

Then I heard my name called.  "Dum de dum dum."

"Lisa" remembered me from five years ago.  Interesting, I don't remember her but hey, she was nice.  I do remember a male nurse, but this morning the only males around were old geezers like me either getting a colonoscopy or endoscopy (throat exploration).  

Lisa said "Wow, that five years went by fast didn't it?"  I said "Tell me about it."  

She asked me to repeat my name and date of birth. This to make sure they have the right patient.  God knows I didn't want anyone probing my throat.  And the guy with the throat problem?  He wouldn't be too happy to wake up and find that he had an unscheduled probe of his anal regions.   By the way, I could hear others in the room were we were all assembled, separated by curtains, stating their name and ages.  I was the oldest there.  Gone are the days when I was the youngest in the room.

Then I was asked to take off all my clothes except my socks.  Been there done that before and no, it wasn't for a porn film. I had white socks on this morning. Black socks are for porn films.

I was then given the hospital gown without a back.  Lisa told me "Don't close the back. We need to get in there"  I guess so.  Easy access.

I disrobed, put on my flimsy blue flower patterned hospital gown and climbed up on the gurney to await my fate.  

Lisa came back and checked my veins to insert a stint for my anesthesia.  Oh yes, the best part about the colonoscopy procedure.  Going to La La Land.  A free Trip. I'll take that.  I have heavy veins in my hand and arm.  So it was disturbing that it hurt bad when she inserted the needle.  Man oh man.  Sometimes you feel the needle going in and sometimes not.  Today I wasn't so lucky.

It was an assembly line operation this morning. I have no problem with that.  Apparently the man in the curtained area next to me did because he called the nurse over and asked "Miss, how much longer?"  She told him he was next but it would take about twenty minutes.  I don't complain about waiting when I'm in a situation like this.  I'm patient.  I'm a patient who is patient.  That's just me.  They're doing their job and they don't need any diva antics from me.

I only had to wait about fifty minutes until I was wheeled in "The Circle."  

SHOWTIME!

Lisa and I chatted a bit and without warning I became woozy.  OH YES!  I smiled and said to her "Oh here we go!"  The next thing I remember was someone saying "It's all over!"  

My doctor came in and told me he found five small polyps.  This is my fourth colonoscopy.  This is the second time polyps were discovered.  Two polyps were discovered during my second colonoscopy fifteen years ago.  My changes are good that these polyps are benign but we won't know for sure until the results come back from the biopsy.  I have to call and schedule a followup appointment.  I was to high this morning to make a rational decision.

With my pleasant anesthesia high, I wandered out of The Circle to see Bill waiting for me.  Oh Bill, what would I do without you?  Bill has always BEEN THERE for me, to use a tired old cliche. These past three years, with all my medical procedures, Bill has been the one true pillar.  Not many people are as fortunate as I am and I know it.

Me and Bill this morning after my colonoscopy procedure - SELFIE!

And oh yes, I'm still full of gas. I just proved it by this long blog posting. 

Colonoscopy Preparation Day

The"Prep" Poop

 Kit - soon to be ingested by yours truly

The day is here.  The day before my scheduled colonoscopy at 8 AM tomorrow.  

This is the worse part of getting a colonoscopy.  The colonoscopy procedure itself is nothing because I'm in La La Land while my anal regions are being explored camera on a flexible wand.

This worst part is what is known as the "colonoscopy prep".  This starts the day before a colonoscopy procedure.  What it consists of is totally cleaning out my intestines of fecal matter so the snake with a camera on the end can have a clear view of my intestines for any cancerous growth.  

So how do I clear out my intestines?  I drink copious amounts of a God awful liquid that makes you gag. The taste of the solution is bad, something like lime flavored anti-freeze.  What makes you gag is the amount of liquid that you have to wash it down with.  

I don't drink that much liquids anyway, to my detriment as I have had several bad bouts of kidney stones in the past few years.  But to drink the equivalent of a bucket of water within an hour, I feel like I'm going to burst.  Of course all that liquid comes out the back end eventually . . . . as a liquid albeit dark.  Goes in clear comes out dirty.  In fact I have to drink it until it comes out clear.  Sorry to be so gross but you know me, in my blog I don't dance around unpleasant subjects.  Well, sometimes I do but most times I don't.

This will be my fourth colonoscopy.  I have a history of colon cancer in my family so I get colonoscopies every five years. I know how important it is to get checked for colon cancer.

A very good friend of mine, Bill P. discovered he had colon cancer during a routine colonoscopy about six years ago.  He had an eight hour operation to remove the cancer and was only given a one in four chance of survival.  He told me the doctor had his liver in his hands checking to make sure the cancer hadn't spread to his liver.  It hadn't.  Six months later his cancer returned.  He had another eight hour operation.  Since that time he has been cancer free.  His doctor told him that if his colon cancer hadn't been discovered early, he would probably be dead now.

In my family, my Uncle Sam always refused to be check for either prostate cancer (his wife told me Uncle Sam often said "No man is sticking his finger up my ass!") or colon cancer.  One evening, prior to them going out for dinner he called his wife into their bathroom.  He told her to look in the toilet, it was filled with blood after he had taken a poop.  Now he finally consented to go to a doctor.  Seven months later he was dead, from colon cancer.  Too late.  

My cousin Jeffrey also refused to have a colonoscopy.  He died at age 46 from colon cancer.

My cousin Bud (my age) has regular colonoscopies, like me.  During his second colonoscopy his doctor discovered two polyps.  They were benign.  But they could turn cancerous.  Coincidentally during my second colonoscopy two benign polyps were also discovered. They were removed. That was fifteen years ago.  Who knows what would have happened if I had not had that colonoscopy and those polyps turned cancerous?  

I've already had my bout with cancer.  Three years ago my doctor informed me I had prostate cancer. I found this by a routine blood test.  A PSA blood test.  I choose the treatment of seed implants.  I had to go through quite an arduous procedure but now I am cancer free.  I pee like a teenager (no enlarged prostate) and I am alive.  

So today I will endure starving myself for the whole day.  No food the rest of the day, only clear liquids.  Then at 6 PM I ingest my lime flavored car anti-freeze liquid and wash it down with more copious amounts of water.  Then I get up at 3 AM and tomorrow morning and do it all over again.

By the time I show up at Colonoscopy Central in Lewes tomorrow I should be clean as a whistle, and hungry.  

Am I worried?  Of course but this is something that has to be done.  I'm not finished with this life. I have plans. 

I got a lot of living to do. 

Someone, Pat, Spo and Yours Truly at the Canadian Exhibition 2014

Colonoscopy Time Again

That time again?

Oh yes, I can no longer deny the inevitable.  It is colonoscopy time again.  

I had my last colonoscopy in 2011.  My family on the male side, has a history of colon cancer.  My uncle Sam and my cousin Jeffery, both who always refused to have colonoscopies, both died of colon cancer.  I'll always remember what my Aunt Shelby (Uncle Sam's wife) told me when she urged her husband to have a colonoscopy.  He said "No man is going to stick his finger up my ass!"  Well, he's dead now.  He was only 67 years old.

My cousin Jeffrey was only 49 years old when he died of colon cancer.

This year I will be 75 years old.  I've lived a long time but I would like to live a few years longer.  Maybe ten or fifteen years longer?

I'll take another 24 years!

I've had four colonoscopies so far.  My second colonoscopy the doctor found two benign polyps. Although not cancerous, such polyps could turn cancerous if left undetected.

Thank goodness I'll be knocked at at this juncture

So here we go folks. While the actual colonoscopy is a "breeze", the difficult part is the night before when you have to take the prep.  God, it is awful.  

You have to drink four liters of a green solution (eight ounces every half hour) that tastes like lime flavored antifreeze.  Then, and this the "best" part, once the solution hits, you peeing out your ass a black solution.  Sorry folks if I grossed out anyone but man oh man, I'm not looking forward to this.

My first appointment is April 18th, to go over my medical history since my last colonoscopy.  Here we go folks.  

By the way, I called Medicare this morning to see if I was eligible.  Oh yes, I am a glutton for punishment but hey, I'm not ready to check out yet.  So I do what I must to maintain this aging body for a few more years of good times.

Computer Problems

That's right folks, computer problems right here in River City.  I spent all morning watching the Apple rainbow spinning Wheel of Death.  Hey Apple, just because you colored the dreaded hung up symbol with rainbow colors, doesn't lessen the impact of dread when my computer is hung up.

The past several months I've been doing ever increasing disc repairs and yet the Spinning Wheel of Death returns, slowing down my momentum.  I finally put a call into Apple support this morning, which, by the way isn't as responsive as they used to be (I had to wait 16 minutes this morning before anyone even picked up the phone).  But once I had someone ("Dan") on the phone, he was pleasant and helpful.  I explained my problem to him that my Time Capsule backup was stuck all morning.  I also explained that this was happening with increasing frequency.  Of course the first thing he asked me to check is what version operating system I was on.  I am on the latest.  So that's not the problem.

I purchased this iMac computer in January of 2010.  Yep, five big years ago.  And as we all know hard drives only last about three to four years.  Or at least that has been my experience.  

I have a 2 terabyte storage capacity on this iMac.  I'm using up more that 1 1/2 of that storage already and rapidly closing in on using up all that storage.  Yep, my photos and videos and iMovies.  I don't do Garage Band or iTunes, just photos and videos folks and I.AM.RUNNING.OUT.OF.SPACE.

Time to bite the bullet.  After I'm done this blog entry I'm on the phone ordering a new iMac with a 3 gig storage and faster processing speed.  

Wow, that was a fast five years.  Now next year I'm up for my colonoscopy.  My last one was in 2011.  Another fast five years.  

Colonoscopies and Other Invasive Medical Procedures

Today's subject is about the importance of getting a regular colonoscopy once you are over fifty years of age.

I was having a hard time coming up with a subject for today's blog post until I read my friend Dr. Spo's blog today. He will be undergoing his first colonoscopy in a couple of days.  I left two comments on his blog on the importance of getting regular colonoscopies.  

I was going to write about my upcoming procedure for my prostate cancer. My first appointment is tomorrow at the radiation oncology  unit at the Tunnel Cancer Center in Rehoboth Beach, DE.  Of course I am dreading this, the precursor to yet another invasive procedure to my body but a necessary one if I am to survive cancer free for a few more years.  Tomorrow I won't be poke or jabbed or suffer humiliation, pain and discomfort.  Tomorrow is a "get to know you" meeting which will take about two hours.  After going through all my options, I have decided to have radioactive seed implants.  More about that in another post.  This post is about the importance of colonoscopies.

I have had three colonoscopies.  The worst part about the colonoscopy procedure is what they innocently call "the prep."  That is the night before the procedure in this you have to cleanse your bowel tract of any fecal matter.  I won't sugar coat this, it is rough.  You have to drink 8 oz glasses of 4 liters of a liquid that taste like a mixture of toilet bowl cleaner and lime juice.  Gag?  After drinking the first few glasses you can call yourself "Lady Gag.....a".  God, it is AWFUL.  During my last "prep", I had Bill take a video of me drinking it and I posted it to You Tube.  It wasn't funny while I was taking it but I knew it would be funny someday.  I sort of see the humor in it now, I didn't then.  Dave Barry has a very funny article about his own "prep".  Hilarious but so true.  To read his colonoscopy article click here.

The actual procedure itself the next day is nothing.  In fact, it's sort of fun.  You don't even remember going out.  My last colonoscopy was in April of 2011.  It was a breeze.  I remember right before I was administered my "flight" medicine, my physicians' assistant asked me "Are you ready for your trip?"  I responded "I am sir".  The photos below were taken after my procedure.  As you can see I was still a little high and just returning to earth.  Now you can see why you need a driver.

Afterwards I was STARVING.  Hey, a little chicken broth the day before doesn't do it for me.  So what did I do?  I had Bill take me straight away to the Rehoboth Diner and I ordered my fav:  Eggplant Parmesan with fries!  This was 10:30 in the morning.  Best eggplant parm I've ever had in my life and I ate ALL OF IT.  

Let me emphasize the importance of having a regular colonoscopy after age fifty.  My Uncle Sam Tipton and my cousin Jeffrey Tipton never had colonoscopies.  Uncle Sam was 67 and cousin Jeffrey was 43. They always refused to have the procedure.  They both died of colon cancer.  My friend Ron B. never would have a colonoscopy. He died last year of colon cancer.  He was my age.  
My good friend and former boss Bill P. discovered he had colon cancer five years ago during a routine annual medical exam.  He had an operation that lasted eight hours.  He was given a one in four chance of survival. He sold his house and moved into a development so his wife wouldn't have to worry about mowing the grass and house maintenance.  He survived his operation only to have the colon cancer return six months later.  He had another operation which was successful.  He has now been a cancer survivor for over five years.  His doctor told him that if waited until the symptoms of colon cancer (usually blood in the toilet which is what both my uncle and cousin experienced), then it is usually too late.  

I know a colonoscopy is a very invasive procedure.  I recently had a prostate biopsy which was also a very invasive (and painful) procedure.  There are always risks involved in invasive procedures but when you weigh the odds, they're just not in your favor when you are over fifty and there is a history of colon cancer in your family.  

I wish my friend Dr. Spo well during his colonoscopy and also want to emphasize that he is doing exactly the right thing.  

My brother John laughing after I told him about my colonscopy "prep" night when I told him of my travails on iPhone FaceTime - brothers - never any sympathy

Colonoscopy Day

I don't usually do this, post someone else's words but I just have to post this narrative by the humorist Dave Barry about his recent experience with getting a colonoscopy.  As regular readers of this blog know, I recently had a colonoscopy last year.  In fact, I've had four colonoscopies in my lifetime.  Colon cancer runs in my family so I am extra diligent about getting a colonoscopy.

Lately my blog postings about my prostate situation has been a bit serious.  I think it is time to lighten things up around here at "Retired in Delaware" and post Dave's experience with his recent colonoscopy.  He says EXACTLY what I went through.  This is SO TRUE:

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

 

Colonoscopy Journal: 
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

 

 

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies...

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began mypreparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
 
 

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.. 
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point..

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me..

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood
 
 

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies.... 
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc.. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all: 

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'