Friday, January 28, 2011

The Black Dog Returns

He's back.  The Black Dog.

The Black Dog Returning is how Winston Churchill described his returning depression.

Do not worry friends, I'm not clinically depressed.  I'm not catatonic.  I guess you could say I'm a little blue over a few recent events.

First of all, the weather is not cooperating at all in enhancing my mood.  Every winter, especially during January and February I get a serious case of SAD (Seasonal Affectional Disorder.)  That is a mood swing caused by lack of natural sunlight.  I am a prime candidate for this common affliction.  I love the sunlight.  That's why my house has more windows that you can shake a magic wand at.  The first thing a new visitor to my house always says is "Wow, look at all the windows!"  Still, with all those windows don't make much difference if the day outside is a gray, cold, monotone day.

I can usually get through these days of the depths of Winter Doldrums by engaging in activities that normally bring my happiness.  However, I am on very tentative ground because it just takes one or two things to happen to throw me into the Pit of Despair.

Just this morning I had one of those "things" happen.  For eleven years I have worked very hard to accumulate and share my family history.  Unlike some other family history researchers, I share everything I have, sometimes at great personal and financial cost to me.  Thus, it is always a shock to me when someone throws my kindness and generosity back into my face simply because of the fact that I am gay.

Some years ago I used to edit the nationally distributed TFAA Newsletter.  I paid for all the expenses of printing the newsletter and the postage.  When I lost my job I could no longer afford to distribute that newsletter.  Thus the newsletter withered on the vine.  This past week another family member researcher resurrected the TFAA and sent out a new newsletter by e-mail.  I thought I would help him out by sending the newsletter to my mailing list through my genealogy blog.  On my genealogy blog is my profile.  My profile states that I am gay, which I am.  This morning I received this message from one of the persons (located in Tennessee) who received my e-mail:

"Who gives a rat’s ass about your sexual preference!!! Otherwise, it’s pretty interesting."

On 1/28/11 10:32 AM, "" <> wrote:

Tipton Tales and Trails: The Tipton Family Association of America Resurrected!   
Dear fellow Tipton family descendants,

I am sending a link to my latest "Tipton Tales and Trails" blog posting.  On this posting I have duplicated first Tipton Family Association of America newsletter that John Parrish has produced for the resurrected TFAA.

I have included all my Tipton family e-mail addresses.  If you wish to be taken off this mailing list, please send me an e-mail telling me so.  Some of the e-mail address may be duplicated and/or outdated so please excuse any mistakes in mailing.

If you know of any other Tipton family member who is interested in being put on this mailing list, also send me an e-mail telling me so.

We are all looking forward to the resurrected Tipton Family Association of America newsletter and our new website.

While I know I should be immune from this homophobic remark after having enduring this crap for most of my sixty-nine years on this earth, it is still disheartening to be on the receiving end of hate.  No matter how much I think I have a thick skin, hateful darts like this still pierce me.

Of course I responded to this hateful person which I probably shouldn't have because this type of hateful person is unreceptive to reasoning.  They only know their narrow, bigoted view of life and anything that views from that view is considered not worthy of common decency and respect.

Try as I might I can't get my mo jo back today.  I was going to go out to the Friday Night Dinner Group tonight just to get mind off this hate but of course the weather intervened (rain, sleet, snow and ice) and I can't go out.  I have this picture in my mind of my new 2010 red Subaru Forester sliding on the ice into an accident.  I don't need that trouble.

Try as I might, I can't get up the enthusiasm to write a positive, cherry, "happy with life" blog although I am by nature a happy, cheerful person.  I even went into my 42,000 plus digital photos on m iMac to sort through them and organize, label, and enjoy the memories invoked when I see pictures of happier times. That didn't work tonight either.

So here I am writing on my blog about my depressed state.  But then that is why I have a blog, my blog is my therapy.  I've never been to a "therapist."  When I need some mental work I write.  I've been doing this for years and it works most of the time.  I think it is working now.

What also makes me feel good is thinking and looking at people I know and like.  While going through my pictures a few moments ago I came across these two pictures of two of my favorite bloggers, Spo and Mark.  Notice that both of them have almost the identical pose?  It is almost as if they know my present plight and are concerned.  At least I would like to think so.

I'll be back tomorrow when I'm in a better frame of mind.  I was going to apologize for this downer of a blog (I always think of Debbie Downer when I post negative blogs) but I'm not going to apologize.  This is my life and this is exactly the way I feel now.  I just have to get through it.


  1. anne marie in philly7:02 PM

    fellow SAD sufferer here. I am on welbutrin to improve my mood. I have been crying for no good reason, I need my sunshine, and my baseball.

    came here via (pick one) dr. spo and tales of the sissy. I will return.

  2. Anne Marie,

    Good to hear from you! I've enjoyed reading your comments on Spo's blog. You sound like a fun person plus you're from my former home of almost twenty years, Philly! When I see your name I am reminded of my good friend Anne Marie Del Grande who I used to work with at Girard Bank in Philly, all good memories.

    Like you I need my sunshine. You just provided some with your comment. Thank you.

  3. LOL Spo and Mark got the same awesome pose.
    I like going through my old pics sometime.

  4. Tai,

    It looks like they coordinated their pose doesn't it? That with the finger supporting the head must be what smart guys do. I don't think I ever posed that way. I just sit there with my mouth hanging open.

  5. LOL you're really funny Ron! why would you open your mouth. I can't stop staring at these handsome men.

  6. Ron, you may be depressed but you really did just make me laugh out loud. That is too funny that Spo and I pose the same way. I wonder if we are twins that were separated? Cheer-up Friend! Just make it though a couple more months and you'll be okay. Or if you want, I'll send all my kids down to your house to keep you busy. But then you may be suicidal. Thanks for the laugh. Your Friend, m.

  7. Tai,
    You "get" my humor! Sometimes it doesn't always come through in my writing. I'm glad you get it. LOL.

  8. Yes Mark. Check out you and Spo, what's up with that?
    I'm better this morning. The sun is streaming through the window here in my home office. That always cheers me up.

  9. I recognized "the black dog' right away. I know the term well. Mr. Churchill also said about it when you realize you are in the depth of depression, you keep going until you are no longer in it, viz. don't do nothing. Sensible man.

    As for the pose - he still hasn't sent me my royalty cheque of 30 cents for copying postures. Stinko.

  10. Spo,

    I wasn't actually in the "depths of depression" but I felt myself taking a slide down that slope. The sun streaming through my home office window helped to life me out of that slide.
    As for the pose, I don't think I ever in my 69 years had a "Spo Pose" (which I rightfully recognize as your own) but I will try it. Be forewarned, look for the Spo Pose in a future blog posting.

  11. Rick,

    I'm going to strike a Spo Pose soon.

  12. Know all about the big D Ron. This year has been hard for me, but I work through it as best I can. We have lots of windows too(and put even more in the addition), but that doesn't always help, especially on the gray days you are talking about. Just keep focused forward, one day at a time.

  13. We're on the same wavelength Kyle. Like you I focus on one day at a time. I'm doing fine now, the last day or two was just a momentary slip. Each day, sometimes a struggle during the short, cold, gray days of winter.


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