Can't Sleep!

 This was another one of those mornings that I couldn't get back to sleep after my nighttime visit to the bathroom. 

This is the second time in a week this has happened. So here I am at 4:13 AM in the morning, lying in bed wide awake. What to do? Get up and start my day, that's what I do.

There is an advantage to getting up this early, I get a lot done. For sure there is a lot to get done around here at Casa Tipton-Kelly. This morning I'm doing my wash. I cleaned out the inside of my twenty-year old GE Whirlpool washing machine first before I loaded my sheets into my washer. The inside ridge. I don't think I ever cleaned that part of the washing machine since Bill and I moved here. Exciting subject for blog reading, huh?

I tell you folks what I'm thinking. Remember back a couple of weeks ago when I told you that a week and a half before Bill died he called me to him to tell me "something." He said "Something has changed. I want you to know I wish  you and Pat are very happy together." I told him "Thank you but don't concern yourself about me and Pat, I'm taking care of you now." I thought that was very generous of Bill to tell me that but then I wondered "What was the 'something''? Well, I think I know now. I know I've said this before but I don't think I'm long for this life.

I think my time is close. 

Lately I've been recalling different episodes in my life, with clarity. 

I also have begun what Bill had begun a few years before he died. I'm cleaning out.  No, not everything. Bill's bedroom is as it was before he died. I have decided not to change anything. I often go in there and talk to him even though I've never felt his presence. However, I do feel Bill's presence all the time with me. He is with me almost every day wherever I go and whatever I do. I talk to him in my mind (telepathy) and sometimes out loud. He always talks to me by telepathy. Just like he's talking to me now using his pet name for me. But like Bill started to collect his tools, that he knew he would never use again, I'm collecting and reviewing my massive papers, mementos and photos. I do have a lot of stuff. 

To my right, as I sit here typing this day's blog I see the morning light rise through the window of this small bedroom that I use as my home office.

Thus begins another day of life for this eighty-three year old man whose body is more rapidly failing him. I do hope that when my time comes it's quick and painless. I don't want to go like Bill did, having a stroke and becoming an invalid that needed care for the remaining three years of his life. I don't want to put that burden on Pat. Bill was also blind (macular degeneration). He couldn't read which he so loved. He only had peripheral vision. If I couldn't read I would prefer to die. I started out reading as a young boy and continue to do so every day of my life in spite of the unbelievable advances in technology like the Internet and what I'm doing now. If all else fails (we finally have that nuclear war that I've been warned about all my life), at least I have my eyes and I can read.

Lately I have noticed an increase in my mental failings. I failed to turn off my computer again last night. I hate to leave my computer on all night connected to the Internet, vulnerable to whatever evil that is lurking out there just waiting for an opportunity to hack my computer. 

I am tired too folks. Tired. I've lived a long life. A long good life. Better than most. Yes, even better than many famous and rich people. And you know why? Because I had that rare gift, the total and unconditional love of a human being (Bill) for most of my adult life. How many people can say that?

Bill awaits me in Heaven. That I know. Last week an old friend (from my school days), who is one of those evangelicals who is always trying to "save" people, sent me another one of his booklets in the mail. At first I was very annoyed when he does things like that (the hubris he displays he has no clue), but now I think "that's his thing." He's just responding to the latest sermon his church pastor sent them out to do. That's his thing. I know my answer. I know Bill awaits me in the Afterlife. Our spirits will be reunited again. This is what I know.

So today I will begin another day of my routine, hoping I don't trip and fall and end up in the hospital like I have in the past. I want to continue to go about my life here at Casa Tipton-Kelly with my lifetime of memories. Then perhaps if I am lucky. If whatever there is Up There (God?) favors me, I will one day feel a little off and sit down until the dizziness goes away like I have in the past. Only this time when that happens it will be my Final Call and I will pass away from this physical life here on earth and again be reunited with the love of my life, Bill Kelly. 

This I know for certain.

The Crooked Old Man

 

That's me now, The Crooked Old Man.

It's my arthritis that is causing me to hunch over. I also stand crooked now. I did some AI research and found my condition is probably a combination of the arthritis and degenerative scoliosis. Bill had the same problem at the end. Although he wasn't hunched over like I am now. He just stood crooked. What's to be done? More exercise and paying more attention to my posture. But I am in constant pain on a scale of two to three. 

I have arthritis in my joints. My right leg is particularly bad. It gave out yesterday while I was at my pond. Thank goodness I didn't fall in my pond. I did fall on my solar panel and broke the solar panel stand. 

My legs are very weak. I have difficulty standing up from a sitting position. I see the looks of pity I get when I'm called from the waiting room from the other people waiting for their call. No one says anything, they just have "that look." The same look I used to have years ago when I saw an old vet try to rise from his seat at the waiting room at the Wilmington VA. I have to admit I was a little smug knowing that I could just bounce right up, and not struggle to get up like many of them. Now I am one of them. That's what I get for hanging around this life until I reached this advanced age of eighty-three.

Change of subject. 

In a previous blog post I promised to update my blog more often but as you can see, I haven't kept that promise. There are a couple of reasons, the main one being that I'm pretty busy maintaining the Casa Tipton-Kelly wildlife sanctuary. I love working outside but it does have its downsides. One of the main ones now is avoiding ticks and mosquitos. I'm doing pretty good with avoiding mosquitos with my safari hat with the mosquito net but the ticks are another story. As many precautions that I take the little bastards still find a way to embed their very tiny little heads into my body.

I change my clothes after working outside and take a show but still they manage. This past Sunday I had to visit my local walk-in clinic to have one of those tick heads removed from my left shoulder. I removed the tick about three years ago but my shoulder was still bothering me. I could see the inflamed part where the little fucker was embedded. I was embarrassed to go to the walk-in clinic for such a minor thing but I just was tired of the pain in my shoulder. Thank goodness the nurse practitioner found the tick head and removed it. I could feel immediate relief. Then something funny happened, when I left the clinic it was so windy outside that something blew into my eye. I didn't fully realize it until I got home. I thought I could take care of it myself but no, it wasn't going away. This new clinic is located on the outskirts of Milton, near a large empty field. Must have been one of the many seeds of plants. 

I put drops in my eyes but that didn't do any good. I was hoping when I went to sleep and woke up in the morning it would be gone but no. Whatever was in my eye wasn't going away. Okay, back to the walk-in clinic. I was embarrassed to be returning the next day but there it is. I HAD TO GET THIS THING out of my eye. And sure enough, there was a "stringy thing" that the nurse practitioner found. Relief! I pay enough for my health insurance so why not go to the walk-in clinic? By the way, aren't they great? Remember the bad old days? If things got really bad you had to go to the emergency room. And God knows I've been to the emergency room enough since I've moved to Delaware. 

These days I'm often down in the dumps because I still miss Bill terribly. Thank God for Pat who I talk to several times daily on FaceTime and my friend Glenn in Palm Springs who I talk to on Zoom.

Me, Pat and Glenn in Palm Springs February 16, 2025

Such good friends who care for me as I care a great deal for them. And remember Glenn also lost his long time partner Michael. Ironically I met both of these good friends through my blog, indirectly. Neither one reads my blog. Glenn's late partner always used to read my blot and Pat only contacted me through my blog after he did an Internet search. He saw a photo of me on the news testifying before the Delaware State Legislature for same sex marriage. He was intrigued. I think it was fate that caused both he and Glenn to come together with me. I think both of us are part of the same spirit group. Yes, I do believe we live many lives. Since Bill died I've read  up a lot on what happens after we die. Yes, I am convinced that Pat, Glenn and I are of the same spirit group. These spirit groups consist of three to seven spirits. I also think my longtime friend Renee

Renee sitting in my chair in my office at First Financial Bank 2000. 

is in our group. She lost her husband a month after I lost Bill. We stay in constant touch these days, still offering each other support. I used to work with Renee at a bank in Downingtown. When I left she took my job. I haven't seen her in person for twenty-five years (we worked together in 2000) but we stay in touch. First time I saw her I knew there was a special connection which I didn't understand at first because I'm gay and she's not. She also felt that special connection. Renee is much younger than me (she's forty-seven now). She was so in love with her husband Tom and was devastated when he died. He was much older than her. I was so happy for her when they got married. She often posted pictures of her and Tom to Facebook of their adventures. Thus I was shocked that a month after Bill died, I found out from Facebook that her husband died. 

Renee and Tom

I think we're all in this life to learn. Dealing with the loss of someone we loved so much is part of that learning. As for me, losing her Tom has been such a trial for Renee as it has been for me losing Bill. Renee took a different route though. She sold the house she and Tom lived in Pennsylvania and made a fresh start in Florida, near her mother. I will never leave this house that Bill and I shared alive. There is too much of Bill here and I would never leave this house, our home. 

I have to admit I've had quite a life. And it's not over yet. There is the "little" matter of me and Pat getting married. Here is an update on that situation, Pat has submitted his paperwork to the American Consulate in Montreal. Now he awaits them to contact him for an interview for final approval of our marriage. Once that happens we have ninety days to get married. Then when that happens my life will take a whole new direction. 

Life goes on! 

Look at me with all these women, my co-workers at First Financial Bank in Downingtown, PA in 2000. Renee is on the far left. 

Bill Progress Report

Bette Davis as Margo Channing in "All About Eve"

Bill's hospice healthcare nurse made her weekly visit yesterday. We had a long talk. 

Good news and (of course) bad news.

The good news is that Bill's leg wound has completely healed. No more daily cleaning of his leg wound and applying new dressing. The twice a day egg custards that I am feeding to Bill obviously has greatly helped his healing process. 

The bad news is that Bill is showing signs of early dementia. He's having trouble looking for words. Common every day words. This frustrates him as well as me. Having a conversation with Bill is gradually getting more difficult. He will ask me a question and when I give him an answer he's forgotten he's asked me a question. At first this was funny but it's not funny anymore. Again, we'll manage the best we can. I try to put this latest development in perspective. Again, it could be worse. For instance I finally was able to get in contact with my longtime friend Lar (since 3rd grade). Larry was diagnosed with ALS over seven years ago. His decline has been gradual over the  years but he was still able to get around. No more. He can no longer walk. He is totally bed bound. That means he is totally dependent on nursing care which he has at his home. Of course I asked him "How do you go to the bathroom?" You know the answer, he goes in his Depends.  Then is nurse has to change him and clean him up. Full cycle here from baby to old age. Thank goodness Bill isn't THERE yet. I'm not sure if I can care for him that much. Bill can still manage to go to the bathroom on his own. But then Bill has trouble swallowing which Larry doesn't. Bill also is blind whereas Larry's vision is fine. I don't know which is worse. And me? I have trouble walking. I hope I can stay healthy enough, long enough to care for Bill until he make his final exit. 

As Bette Davis famously said "Getting old isn't for sissies!"

Bette Davis - at the end of her life

Harold Siroonian Dancing in Hamilton July 15 2022

This is a video taken today by my friend Pat F. in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. It is of Harold Siroonian, otherwise known as "The Hamilton Dancing Man." I've posted videos of Harold dancing in previous blogs. However, for the past two years Harold has been missing from the scene because of COVID. In fact Harold caught COVID but survived which is somewhat amazing because he does have medical issues and is now eighty-nine years old. 

Pat has sent me several videos of Harold dancing which I find great pleasure in viewing. Harold was a scientist by occupation. Of course he's been retired many years now. He is a widower and has two grown children. He is of Armenian heritage. 

I did have the privilege of meeting him in person a couple of years ago, while he was in the hospitable. Of course he was a gentleman of great class. Humble and interesting. He has inspired others to street dance. Even me (once in Palm Springs!). 

I often watch his videos when I want to relieve my stress. And things have been stressful around here lately caregiving for Bill which is why I haven't posted for awhile. I'll catch you up on that part of my life in future blog postings. But for now, I'm enjoying watching this video of this classy man enjoying life by doing what he likes to do. 

Welcome back Harold!

Bill's Vascular Test

Last week Bill had a vascular test on his legs.

Bill recently completed wound car caused by scraps on his legs not healing because of the poor circulation in his legs.  

Bill will be ninety years old this September.  His body is slowly giving out just like my body is slowly giving out. Even as I type this post, my left leg is swollen from sitting too long here at my computer.  

There's not much Bill can do about his poor circulation except to keep his legs elevated and avoid scraping his legs. The problem is "stale blood" that doesn't circulate up his legs. 

Getting old is a bitch isn't it?

Updating the Wills and Other End of Life Documents

Me at my lawyer's office this morning about an hour ago

Just got back from my lawyer's office in Rehoboth Beach. 

Yesterday I received the documents for new power of attorney, medical directives and wills for both me and Bill through e-mail.

Man, life is complicated especially when one if preparing to leave life.

Since Bill and I are officially married now I felt it was time to update all of our legal documents for end of life.  

Bill and me waiting for our conference room at the law office

I had a number of changes to make to the first draft of the documents.  I had to put my former boss and long time friend Dave S. as executor of both of our wills.  Dave is in the business of settling estates and executorships. In my Previous Life I used to work as operations manager for Dave in the bank trust department.  Yes folks, I had a life before hotel front desk clerk life. Dave is good at what he does but I was concerned that since his practice is in Pennsylvania he would not be able to be the executor of our estates.  Dave said he could but he would have to do it as an individual. Thank you Dave. That takes a load off of my mind.

Me and Dave at lunch a few years ago

I also had to add the two newest babies to my beneficiaries.  My grandnieces are having babies. Wow, what does that make me. Old. 

I was so hesitant to drive down to my lawyer's office in Rehoboth Beach because of the heaving summertime traffic. But I decided appearing in person was the most efficient way to show the changes I wanted to our legal documents.  And yes, the traffic was heavy. Very heavy.  

But we got the changes in and just returned home. Hopefully this is the last draft of our documents and we can sign them and put them away until we depart this earth that seems in so much turmoil today.  

Bill Gets His Driver's License!

Bill takes his eye test at the Delaware DMV this morning

This morning, Bill got his driver's license back!

Oh what a wonderful day!

Last June, Bill failed his eye test during a routine visit to the Delaware DMV to renew his driver's license.  Thus began a year long odyssey to get his driver's license back.

First we had to get an eye examination. Bill uses the VA  for his medical needs. Anyone who has dealt with the VA knows what an onerous process this was going to be.  I won't take you through all those torturous steps but the first one was to get him in the Veteran's Choice program.  I missed the first step and we had to pay the $180 for the eye examination. Bill was approved for the Choice program but I didn't have the authorization number to give when I scheduled Bill's eye examination and the Choice program doesn't back date. Okay, lesson learned.

I had the Choice authorization number and scheduled Bill for his cataract surgery. Then came the need for Bill to see a heart doctor. Thus another application for a Choice authorization number. More delays.

Bill had his scheduled date for cataract surgery in December. Yes, Virginia, it took THAT long to get the Choice approval but I'm not complaining. It's working now and they have been very accommodating and paying.

Then Bill had his emergency room visit. His ulcers had hemorrhaged.  A stay in the hospital and more interaction with the VA to pay for Bill's medical bills. After several months, we finally settled the bills.  Of course I dread checking the mail even today because you know these medical bills are like zombies, never completely dead. 

Then finally we began Bill's cataract surgery. Drops, visits to the doctor, etc. We were both glad Bill didn't have three eyes.

We got a new prescription for eyeglasses for Bill. We picked them up last week.  

Bill wanted to get used to wearing the glasses before he took his eye test. 

This morning I decided that today was the day we go to the Delaware DMV and take his eye test. 

Bill was nervous. Edgy. Short tempered. He didn't think he would pass.

We arrived at the Delaware DMV early this sunny, warm summer August morning. Thank goodness the DMV wasn't crowded. 

We got our ticket number (12) and were called immediately. "Danielle" was waiting for us.


So thankful Danielle was nice. I explained that Bill had lost his driver's license last year because he failed his eye test and had cataract surgery to improve his vision. She was receptive and sympathetic to my explanation. 

At first Bill wasn't reading the chart right. Bill must be dyslexic, he was reading from right to left!  Several times he put his head in that machine, nervous, and read. Danielle was trying to be helpful, thank goodness she didn't dismiss him right away.  She was patient. Bill tried again. Same result. Didn't get one right.  Then on the third try she said "Read from the LEFT to right."  Bill said "Oh!"  Now I know why I have so much trouble explaining to Bill how to use his iPad.  I've often told him his brain is wired backwards.  Now I know it is!


Bill read the chart again.  He passed!!  

Danielle was issued his driver's license good for the next eight years. 

Thank goodness and thank you Danielle!

More News on the Medical Front

My last visit to my orthopedic surgeon (I hope)

This morning I had my last doctor's visit for awhile.  The past few months have been a spat of doctor's visits and quite frankly, it was becoming a bit tiresome.  However, I know that it is necessary to see my doctors to keep this old chassis going.

Filling our my Wellness sheet this morning at my orthopedic doctor's office - way to get the day started off right - I was the first patient (8:00 AM appointment)

Last Friday I visited my dermatologist.  For the first time in a couple years I got clean bill of health.  No burning off bits of my skin and leaving his office looking like someone was torturing me with cigarette burns.

A couple of weeks ago I visited my main doctor at the VA and got the good news that my prostate cancer is effectively gone or at least in remission.  My PSA level was down to .3 which is fabulous.  This probably means I'll die of something else instead of prostate cancer.  Of course I will die of something else, hopefully deathbed scene is still a long time away.

This morning I visited my orthopedic surgeon doctor.  The doctor who reattached my quadricep muscle on my left leg so I could walk again.  And walking I am, hallelujah!!!!!




I just cannot tell you how thankful I am to be walking again. Amen and AMEN!

But all is not well in Ron's World.  Even though my leg has healed very well, I still have trouble walking.  I can't walk like I used to which concerns me, because walking was always one of my strengths.  I'm especially concerned because tomorrow I'm taking a bus to Philadelphia (one of those "Old People Excursions") for a Day In Philly.  All the years I lived in Philly I could walk anywhere.  These days, my walking is somewhat limited.  I have to husband my strength.  

The problem is a soreness in my lower back.  I've had it for years.  At first I thought I was having hip problems but that's not it.  

After I got the good news from my doctor this morning that my injured leg was well back to it's normal use, I brought up my "walking" problem.  

He said I probably had spinal stenosis.  After all I am approaching Crypt Keeper status; i.e. I am old.  Next month I'll be 74 (how did THAT happen)?

He asked if I wanted an X-ray taken.  I said "Sure!"

The X-Ray showed a white cloudy area at the base of my spine?  That's arthritis folks.  Old man here.

He said I could have cortisone shots if the pain was too great (it isn't, I've learned to live with the stiffness and soreness).  He also said "Some people have an operation and then, most don't"  Count me in the latter category, thank you.  No one is operating on my spine . . . . thank you again.

He did give me a sheet of paper showing me what exercises I could do to slow down the progression of me falling apart with "Arthur Ritis" as we call this malady around here (Bill has arthritis too).  

So I'm off to my Day in Philly tomorrow folks.  Have to get up REAL early (4:30 AM) to catch my 7:00 AM bus out of Georgetown from the Sussex County Community College campus for the 2 1/ 2 hour ride to Philadelphia.  

I wonder if they'll have as big a reception for me as Philly had for Pope Francis.  One thing I know for sure, I won't be having a private meeting with Kim Davis.

Kim Davis, religious hypocrite and bigot

Happy New Year 2015

Happy New Year folks!  I'm a little late but my wishes are the same for all of my faithful followers.  Thank you so much for following my blog this past year.  You are all appreciated, even the occasional Internet troll who tries to push my buttons (you know who you are).  

So what did I do New Year's Eve?  I worked at the hotel of course.  Last night we almost had a full house.  That was unusual because in years' past we were, at the most, half full.  So the economy must be booming, for some people anyway.  

Even though most of our hotel rooms were occupied, all the guests were sweethearts.  We even had newlyweds.  All happy folk last night. No grumps.

So what does the new year bring for Ron?  Well folks, I'm thinking of starting a new blog.  Now don't get your panties in a twist (to quote my good friend The Cajun), this will be an additional blog.  I've been looking at the Word Press blog establishment and I like the clean format of their blogs.  I've tried Word Press before but I found them somewhat constricting and difficult to figure out.  But, even in my reduced mental capacity these days (I am getting OLD you know), I'll give it another go. Of course a new blog has to have a theme (the good ones do anyway).  

This blog will have the theme of GETTING OLDER, which folks, is my status now.  Any way you cut it, at 73 and creaking along, I'm approaching ANCIENT territory.  And I think it's time to blog about it.  Oh sure, I like to stay upbeat and positive but the elephant in the room is my impending doom slow deterioration health factor.  I can kid myself that I'm one of those 40 or 50 year old younguns who seem to populate the blog world these days but no two ways about it, I am an Old Geezer and not getting any younger.  I think that factor bears a separate blog of its own.  Especially since I will be delving into my past history (again) for which some of my blog readers have chastised me about. Yep, I'm going to go there again because I want to and because it is my blog, so there.

Another night of work at the hotel and them I'm off for two weeks.  Next week is the Big Trip to LA.  I'm meeting my Toronto Pal (Pat) at LAX on January 7th.  We will be staying in Hollywood (where else) until the 17th, at which time we will be boarding SEPARATE planes on the 17th for Philadelphia.  Don't ask me why we're going on separate planes, it is a LONG story. 

So here we go folks.  I wish you all a very happy and stupendous New Year.  I hope you all get everything that you wish for.  For me, I'll keep trudging along until something befalls me and I can no longer write.  I've already made arrangements with our dear mutual friend and favorite blogger, Dr. Spo, to inform you all when I am no longer blogging.  

Mazel tov everyone!

Green Side of the Grass

A friend sent me this in an e-mail.  OMG, it is SO TRUE.  For those of you who haven't reached your seven score plus, this is what you have to look forward to.  So, so true.  

All I know is that when I was young, it seemed to my like my youth was going to last forever.  I lived for the weekends.  Then, somewhere along the way, I got old.  Now I go to bed early on Saturday night.  Oh sure, every now and then I "live it up" and watch one of my Netflix rentals.  That is if I can keep my eyes open.  

So you young folks out there (and that's everybody under 50!), this is what you have to look forward to.  So, so true.

1946

2013

Friends Move To Assisted Living

Bob and Jim's new home

Yesterday our longtime friends Bob and Jim moved into an assisted living facility.  

Brandywine Assisted Living Rehoboth Beach, DE

We also celebrated Bob's birthday (which is actually today).

The"Birthday Boy" at the private dining room luncheon yesterday at Brandywine

So what did I think of this new home for my friends?  I was quite impressed.  Really, I was very impressed.

The lobby of Brandywine Assisted Living

Haven't we all at one time or another feared that we would finish out our twilight years in a "nursing home" or now known as an "assisted living facility?"  I know I have.

I'm 71 years old.  Bill is 84 years old.  We're both in relatively good health but what would happen to Bill if I was no longer around?  He has no family.  What would happen to me ten or fifteen years down the road and I am by myself and not able to take care of myself any longer?

My friend Bob is fortunate in that he has two nephews (and their wives) who are taking care of their beloved uncle.  I have a nephew and several nieces. I have many more grand nephews and grand nieces.  Nice as they are I cannot see them taking care of Uncle Ronnie in his Closing Chapter.  In fact, I wouldn't want to put that burden on them.

Group Shot of my friends, his relatives and me (smiling in the center) at Brandywine yesterday

So I went yesterday not only to wish my friend a happy birthday and attend a private birthday party for him but to check out the facilities.  And I have to say I was very impressed.  

I think the biggest plus that I took from this assisted living facility, which is called Brandywine Assisted Living, was that my friends would no longer be alone and isolated.  That is perhaps my biggest fear as I get older, next to the fear of a long and painful illness where I am dependent on others.  Loneliness, that is my fear.

My friends won't be lonely in their new home.  And that made me feel good.  Not only for my friends but that I now know that I have another option if and when I grow old and find myself alone in the world.  

Bob, Jim and me - 1980

I don't plan on being an 85 year old Ron but it is definitely possible.  What I can't see is living by myself or, even worse, living with someone else.  There is only one person I trust in this world other than my two brothers and my sister-in-law (and a few long time straight friends) and that is My Bill.  If Bill should go before I do, I know I will be serious trouble.  Bill has always taken care of me.  Not that I can't take care of myself, I do, but I've lived the past forty-eight years knowing that I could always count on Bill to support me.  I cannot imagine my life without Bill.  That's why sometimes I wish I would prefer to go before Bill.  But then I worry about what would happen to Bill because he literally has no family.  Now I know the answer, Brandywine Assisted Living.

More about Brandywine in a subsequent posting but for now we're going to get ready to visit our friends Bob and Jim in their new home, and also take Bob a birthday card because today is his 76th birthday.  Happy Birthday Bob!

Bob (center) and me (right) at an earlier birthday party I threw for him in 1982 when we worked in Philadelphia, PA

Happy Birthday Ron!

Me and Renee - 2006 Brickside Grill, Lionville, PA

Yep it was my birthday today!  I had a wonderful day.  Didn't do anything special, just hung around the house all day checking my Facebook account and all my birthday wishes.  Very nice!  And I got an early morning FaceTime birthday wish from the adorable Dr. Spo. 

I've only had two birthday parties for moi in my life.  The picture above was the second one.  It was taken in 2006 at the Brickside Grill in Eagleview, Lionville, Pennsylvania.  Every Wednesday I used to go to Trivia Night (oh how I loved those nights) and this Wednesday happened to be my birthday. My friends Carole, Renee and Sheila brought birthday hats and those silly blow streamers for me.  After a couple of martinis I was feeling pretty good!

I was looking for the photo from my 40th birthday party through my thousands of pictures but I couldn't find it.  Regular readers of this blog have seen it many times already so no big deal.  

I would have liked to have gone out tonight but these days I don't drive at night.  Nobody was beating down my door to take me out so here I sit at my computer telling you all about it.  Don't Cry For Me Argentina though, I'm doing quite well.  Besides, I don't hold my booze that well these days anyway.  One martini and I'm buzzed.  

So here I am embarking on my 72nd year.  God can you believe it?  I'm trapped in this old body!  Of course I still think young.  Thank goodness my juices still aren't flowing like they were when I was a 21 year old or else I would have a real problem.  

Seriously though, I never thought I would reach this age.  I thought I would be lucky to reach 60 years of age.  It's all Gravy Time now folks.  

Oh, by the way, this year I received the best birthday present ever, the reelection of President Obama. If you'll remember, I've been a bit down the past month or so when there was a real possibility that Mitt Romney would win.  After having survived eight years of the disastrous Bush/Cheney regime, I just could not imagine going down that dark tunnel again, especially since I am one of the 47% that Mitt Romney says he "cared nothing about."  

Happy birthday to me!

My 38th birthday party - 1980

Loneliness - Friends

My four pet chickens - good friends

Who among us isn't lonely at one time or another?  One doesn't have to be alone to be lonely.  You could have a Mother Goose house full of kids and an adoring spouse and still be lonely.  You could be the Belle of the Gay Ball in Rehoboth Beach and be lonely.  And yet, you could live alone and not be lonely.

I've also considered myself a loner.  I like to be alone.  Yet, I often feel lonely.  Sounds crazy doesn't it?  Hey, I've been trying to figure myself out for the last seventy years.

I am the oldest son in a family of five.  I have two younger brothers.  Growing up they were best friends, I kept myself aloof from them.  Probably because I knew I was "different".  By "different" I knew I was gay by the time I was four years old.  Of course I didn't know what "gay" was or even the word but back then I certainly did know I was "different."

Me and my two brothers - 1947 - check the distance I have from my brothers - body language

I grew up (from four years old to eleven years old) in a second floor apartment building in the small Pennsylvania town of Downingtown during the Eisenhower years of the Fifties.  Several of my aunts and uncles and my cousins also lived in the same apartment building.  Even though we were poor (didn't wear shoes in the summertime) I never lacked for things to do or friends.  I am the type of person who has one or two Best Friends.  I'm not really a social butterfly with tons of friends.  I specialize.

Growing up I didn't consider myself lonely.  There was my friend Chubby (who wasn't fat by the way), Eddie Rose, Lee Harris and perhaps my best friend ever (even to this day) my comic book trading buddy Larry.

When I entered high school Larry continued to be my BF until his family moved away when we were in ninth grade.  Then came my new BF, Bill B.  We were both in band.  Bill played the bass drum and I played the Sousaphone (not the tuba as most misidentify the Sousaphone).  Bill always saved a seat for me on the band bus and I him whenever our football team had an away game.  Even though we took different courses in high school (he academic and me commercial) we continued to be BF's even to today.  Both Bill and Larry are straight and married.  We're still friends but the wifey's come first and I understand that.

I joined the Army when I was 18 years old.  I immediately made a BF in basic training.  His name was Mike Tine.  I lost track of him after basic training.  We corresponded for awhile after we both left basic training but that correspondence faded away.  I still have his letters.

After basic training I went to Army Security Agency training school in Ft. Devens Massachusetts.  I almost immediately became best friends with Bob Mc.  We were BF's for the six months we were both at Ft. Devens.  When we graduated from the Army Security Agency training school we choose different allotments (assignments).  I spent the next two and a half years at Ft. George G. Meade in Maryland and Bob spent his tour of duty at Ft. Bragg, North Carolina.  Yes, he did parachute jump.  God, I'm glad I didn't go there.

Me and my old Army Buddy Bob

We continued our correspondence and friendship over the years.  In fact, a few months after I left the Army I came out as a gay man to everyone I knew and I found out that Bob was also gay!  We both had no idea each other were gay.  We continued our friendship over the years.  My friendship with Bob is the reason I now live in Delaware.  He bought a place in Delaware back in the Seventies and I used to visit him often.  I fell in love with Delaware for its mild climate, gay presence in Rehoboth and friendly taxes (they don't sock it to senior citizens like Pennsylvania does).  Unfortunately Bob has dementia and our friendship is no more.

Now to my biggest BEST FRIEND.  That would be "Bill", my lover, partner and cohort these past forty-eight years.  Bill swept me off of my feet when we first met at the Westbury Bar back in the summer of 1964 while the Supremes played on the jukebox.  Bill and I have almost nothing in common.

Bill is thirteen years old than me.  At 22 years of age to his 35 years of age, back then he was more like a father figure to me.  That worked for me because my father was not close to me.  I wasn't one of those kids that dad played ball with or even took out to the ballgame.  Are you kidding?  His usual communication with me was to mock and belittle me.  Talk about low self-esteem.  By the time I left home for the Army I could do pull-ups on a curb.

Me at 14 when self-esteem was probably the lowest 

Over the years I grew to love Bill even though we had very little in common.  Bill has always treated my like a prince.  He never restricted me with this the usual American Puritan practice of monogamy.  We both agreed that we weren't going to live out lives by someone else's insecurities.

So where was I going with this posting?  I meant to talk about loneliness but I got off the track a bit with the "friend" thing.

So here's the deal, Bill and I still don't have much in common.  He doesn't like to eat out, he doesn't like to go to the theater, in fact he doesn't like company in the house.  He just likes to be around me.  Which I will admit can be a bit smothering at times.  Our biggest problem is that he thinks I don't pay him enough attention.  He thinks I pay more attention to my friends on FaceTime and my blog.  Well, maybe I do but I'm here at the house ALL THE TIME except when I go to work.  I try to balance things out so he doesn't feel neglected.  It's not easy.

Me when I used to eat out with friends 2011

Lately I've been feeling a bit down.  I thought it was depression but now I realize my condition is probably loneliness.  I think if I had a dog or cat (which Bill doesn't want, he doesn't like cats and can't take the loss of another dog) I wouldn't be as lonely.

My one and only cat "Bobby" - 1955

I like to go out.  I like to have a circle of friends.  Not gay fuck buddies but real friends.  I'm not into sex, never really have been and especially not now at this time of my life,  just friends.  I thought when I moved to the Rehoboth Beach area, where there is a heavy concentration of older gay men and women I would find plenty of friends.  Hasn't worked out that way folks.  Maybe it's me but I don't think so.

After all my years of experience I think it is nigh well impossible to have a monogamous gay friend.  It just isn't going to happen.  Either they're too bitchy, controlling, or just horn dogs.  I hate to be so negative but it just isn't going to happen.

And of course another BIG factor is that I am an OLD GAY MAN. To use a very worn cliche, I am way past my expiration date.  Gay and seventy years old?  What am I still doing alive?  My time was up thirty years ago.  I AM THE INVISIBLE MAN.  Oh sure, I am the subject of interest by my widowed former classmates, gay or not.  But to have a friend my age?  Forget it.

So I go on with my life.  Next month I have a trip scheduled to the Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C.  I will go alone on the Old People's Bus.

I have my interests.  I like to blog, take pictures, garden, work at the hotel, walk, research genealogy, and read.  Most times this works but sometimes I do yearn to talk to someone my age, with my outlook, and my sexual orientation who isn't looking for something else besides a friendship.  I don't think that will ever happen again in my life and that is sad.  Sometimes that blanket of loneliness just falls down on me and takes everything out of me.

So there, did I make any sense?

Me at my computer today 

"Hi Grandpa!"

"Hi Grandpa!"  That's what I heard a a young woman ask me few minutes ago when I answered my phone.  "Grandpa?" Me?

First of all I'm not married.  I'm gay.  I have no children.  I never have had sex with a woman one in my entire seventy years of life.  I don't have any adopted children.  "Grandpa?"  Me?

Okay, maybe I got a wrong number.  Funny thing though, this is about the fourth time I've received the "Hi grandpa!" phone call in the last several months.  The last three times was from a young man from California.  The second time that young man called me he was pretty insistent that I was his "grandpaw."  When I finally got through to him that I have no children he hung up on me.  Oh yes, a quick "click!"  Just like those phone calls I get from the credit card service bureaus offering me a lower discount rate to transfer my credit balance.  I receive a recorded message and when hit the number on my phone to bring a live person on the phone so I can tell them to take me off of their call list they hang up on my fast than I can blink my eye.  I have received many of those phone calls even though I'm on the Do Not Call Registry.  Lot of good that registry is doing keeping me from receiving those annoying phone calls.

So here we go back to the "Hi grandpaw!" phone calls.  Know what?  This is just another scam.  Yep, yet another scam to cheat me out of what little money I have left in this world after the stock market scam of 2000.  No doubt if I was one of those addled old guys (like some of my former friends) I would probably stay on the line and listen to their Tale of Woe.  No doubt they want money.  Oh sure, it's all about money.

Everyday my mailbox is loaded with junk mail wanting money from me.  From charities to insurance companies to hearing aids.  I'm on the mailing list folks because I'm OLD.  Thank God I haven't lost my mind yet like some of my former friends.  I still have most of my wits about me.

As regular readers of this blog know I have a nature habitat backyard that is eco friendly to birds.  One would think my backyard would be very friendly to the birds I attract like bluebirds, Purple Martins and swallows.  Sure, those birds flock to my backyard but I also have uninvited "guests" like the starlings and sparrows.  The starlings and sparrows bully and attempt to take over the bird boxes I put out for the natives species of birds.  So far the starlings have killed one Purple Martin and one swallow.  Of course they also destroyed their nests.  Observing this struggle for life in my backyard I can't help but notice the similarity to my own life.  The bigger and the stronger are always attempting to take and steal from the smaller and weaker of the species.  That is just what these scum of the earth are doing who are calling me and asking for "Grandpaw."  They want what I have and the hell with me.  Well, I'm not that weak....yet.

The Old Jalopy

Sleek car, sleek me in better days

When one reaches seventy years of age a myriad of aches and pains await One.  I am no exception.

I have been fortunate most of my life in that my health has been good.  Except for a close call with death when I was seventeen years old and I got a staph infection from a hernia operation, I've been sailing through life without any serious medical issues.

But, just like a new car that is starting fall apart, there are little "things" that are starting to catch up with me.  Continuing on with the new car analogy; no matter how expensive, good-looking or well built, a new car will eventually start falling apart just like a less expensive car.  Sure, I may be able to keep up the good appearance longer but eventually everything wears out.  Old Ron here is starting to wear out.

My latest medical issue came to cropper last night.  My right leg has a fluid retention.  I guess this has been going on for some months now but I really didn't pay attention to it.  I know that if I sit at the computer too long in one position my right light will numb up.  Eventually, when I get up and walk around the numbness goes away.  However, lately I notice that the numbness doesn't completely go away.

I've been noticing that my ankles have been disappearing.  Especially my right ankle.  I'm one of those guys who have super skinny legs.  My ankles has always been very prominent like my Adam's apple.  How I can hardly see my ankle.  My left ankle isn't as bad but it isn't as defined as it used to be either.

Now my right leg hurt from the ankle up to the knee.  From a discussion with a friend of mine over the weekend (he had a similar condition) he said it looks like I have a water retention issue with my lower extremities.  He said his doctor gave him a prescription and it went away.  His only regret was that he will have to take that prescription the rest of his life to keep the fluid out of his lower extremities.

I looked up my condition on the Internet.  I could have a serious issue of maybe it's just an issue of proper exercise and diet.  I know when I get up in the morning my leg isn't a swollen as it is before I go to bed.  Maybe my condition has something to do with elevating my legs.  Something that would be hard for me to do since I'm on my feet a lot, especially at work.

Some of the more serious conditions could be kidney failure or congestive heart failure.  I certainly hope I don't have anything like that.  I have had kidney stones (twice - an experience I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy).  I also have Gilbert's Syndrome with is a non-life threatening liver issue.  My bilirubin levels are always high but the VA assures me that I can life a long and full life with this condition.  I don't even take medication for it.

Of course the latest big issue that I have is my Prostate Problem.  Two consecutive blood tests have indicated an abnormally high PSA score.  I'm scheduled for a biopsy on January 6th, thus the reason I'm not really in the Christmas Mood this year.

So this morning I put in a call to my doctor at the VA.  I left a message with the receptionist that my right leg is swollen and hurts.  I'm hoping all I need is a prescription for a diuretic that will clear this problem up. Like I said, I am staring to feel like a once splendid car that is quickly turning into an old jalopy.

"Patch me up for a few more miles!"

Seventy Years of Ron

Yesterday was my 70th birthday.  Yes folks, I am officially and OLD MAN.  Funny thing that, I don't think like and Old Man.  In my mind I'm still that starry eyed and naive Twenty Something looking forward to what adventures in life await me.  And then every morning after I get up and look at myself in the bathroom mirror I think "Who is THAT?" looking at me from the other side of the mirror.  "WHAT HAPPENED?"

I got OLD, that's what happened.  Seriously though folks, I'm feeling good about making it this far in life.  I've had a good life and have few regrets.  Sounds like I"m going to break into a Frank Sinatra song doesn't it?  Yes, I am very happy with where I am in life.

I honestly didn't think I would make it this far in life.  I fully expected to be gone by the time I reached my 60th year on this planet.  Anything after that is gravy.  Yes folks, I'm living on gravy now!

Yesterday, I made this quickie movie with my iMovie on my wonderful iMac (thank you Steve Jobs!)  Nothing fancy, no intro or impressive graphics, just a random selection of photos of my throughout my life.
There are a couple of mistakes in the movie which I hope no one notices.  One is a duplicate photo and there are two or three crotch shots.  I tried to change those photos but the other photos worked out so with in synchronization with the remaining photos that I just left everything in.  Deal with it folks.  And yes, I have a couple of photos of me with some of my boyfriends.  I am gay, no reason to hide that at this time in my life.  I came out of the closet when I was 21 years old and never looked back and I'm not going to start now.

This is only the second time I made an iMovie.  The first one I made was for my Mother's funeral.  I will make copies of this DVD and send it to some of my friends.  If I don't get around to making a more polished DVD movie of My Life In Photos, please use this DVD at my memorial.

These days I'm thinking a lot about Getting My Life In Order for my not too soon departure.  Hey, I have to be realistic.  At seventy years old I don't have a lot of time left.  It has been a good life folks.  I hope to be around a lot longer but if that is not what fate hold in store for me, then I have absolutely no regrets.  This is one happy seventy year old.

Thank you to everybody who wished me a happy birthday yesterday.  I love you all!