In a few months I will be eighty-five years old. Something I never would have believed if you had asked me twenty years ago when I retired from a full-time job.
But here I am, approaching my nineties. To tell you the truth folks, I don’t want to be ninety years old. I’ve lived a good life. A good long life.
Lots of interesting things have happened and continue to happen in my life Just last year I remarried again after my partner then husband of fifty-nine years died. He was ninety-five years old. He also had a good life (with me for much of it) but the last three years of his life was misery for him. He was blind, couldn’t swallow food and needed full-time care. We were both fortunate enough that I was healthy enough to keep him at our home which he loved so much. My promise to him as it was with my Mother, was to never put them in a facility. The “facilities” are actually warehouses of death that just drain one’s lifetime accumulation of wealth. Not that they aren’t solutions for some from children who don’t want to care for their parents to the widow who doesn’t want to spend her final years alone in a big house. I know all this first hand and I know the solution I wanted for my Mother and for my late husband. Now it is my turn.
Since Bill (my former husband) died two and a half years ago my health has gone down hill. Maybe when I was caring for Bill I pulled on my adrenaline reserves. I don’t know how I was able to care for him by myself (with help from the VA and Delaware Hospice) but I managed to keep him home until the last three days of his life. His health finally got to the point where he was unconscious and kept sliding on the floor. The instructions the hospice workers gave me for injecting pain relief morphine into Bill was just too much for me. I had finally reached my limit and I could no longer take care of Bill by myself. Delaware Hospice saw my dilemma and removed him on a Wednesday night. Bill lasted two and a half days at the Delaware Hospice center in Milford. I spent the first night with him and the next two days. I wanted to be with Bill when he died but I didn’t want to drive at night so, except for the first night which I stayed with him, I left at the end of the day before darkness fell. Early Saturday morning (a little after one AM) I received a call from Delaware Hospice. I knew.
They informed me that Bill had died at 12:20 AM.
My life hasn’t been the same since.
At first I was in shock that this man who had been so much a part of my life (we met when I was twenty-two years old and he thirty-five years old). Of course I knew he was going to die, we often talked about it. But this was a man who I lived with almost my entire adult life. Now I was alone. It took about three days for the shock of his death to sink in. Knowing that I would never see him again in this life.
I’ve experienced death before in my life and one time experienced grief. I probably should be ashamed to admit this but the most grief I ever experienced until Bill died was when my little sixteen year old five pound orange Pomeranian dog “Horace” died. We were best buddies. Of all the dogs that have been in my life, Horace was the one who chose me. When he died, I cried for the first time in my life. “So this is what grief is like?” I thought. Oh how little did I know. After the initial shock of Bill’s death wore off, then The Grief set in. Now two and a half years later it is still here and will be until my last dying breath. Even though I got married to a wonderful man last November, a good friend who I’ve known for thirteen years, it’s not the same. He lives in Canada. We’re working on getting his green card. And when he does get his green card he won’t live with me full-time. Part time at best. I will continue to live in my home of the past twenty years here in Delaware. There is so much of Bill in this house which I will continue to call “Casa Tipton-Kelly”, that the only way I will leave is on a gurney with a white sheet pulled over my head. Bill left this house on a gurney but that white sheet wasn’t pulled over his head. Mine will be different.
Bill and I both loved the woods. Our house in Pennsylvania was on 6.875 acres of wooded hillside land. We had to move because in retirement we could no longer afford to pay the high Pennsylvania taxes. Like many others retirees from the high tax states of New York, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania; we moved to Delaware which is much more retiree friendly. In the past twenty years I tried to replicate our .97 acres of flat coastal land into our own personal wooded oasis. I have been somewhat successful. Bill always enjoyed walking out in our backyard, even during his final months when he was blind (macular degeneration) and couldn’t fully see all the wooded fauna that I had personally planted over the past twenty years since we moved into our newly build home. We had no mortgage on our home. Only one tax, which was in three digits. No other taxes. To his dying day Bill missed our home in Pennsylvania but I had no other choice. I had to move to Delaware if we were to survive. Most of our new neighbors in our newly build development made the same decision. We all had that reason for living in Delaware in common.
Bill is in Heaven now. Occasionally he stops by via a burned out Christmas light that I had strung up in our living room year round. Bill’s form of macular degeneration was that he couldn’t see out of the center of his eyes. He could only see peripheral vision. He could see colors. He loved the colors of those Christmas lights. That’s why I left them up year round and I will continue to do so until I am no longer in this/our house.
During the last year of Bill’s life we had talked about “what was on the other side.” I told him “If there is something there, try to contact me.” And indeed he did. A few days after he died, while I was in our kitchen my peripheral vision saw something blinking. Our house has an open concept kitchen that looks out over the living room.
Again, I saw something blinking! I looked up and there it was! That burned out light I was thinking of replacing. “Why is that light blinking when the other burned out lights don’t blink?” I thought. After a few more rapid blinks then I got the message. Of course, it was Bill! So appropriate too because Bill’s occupation while he was alive was as an electrician. Since that first night of contact over two years ago, Bill has come back many times. Often when I need him during a stressful period or just sometimes when I’m lonely. He is there. I believe. I don’t have to convince anyone else what is happening. I know what is real for me and that is all that matters.
Now that I am at the end of my learning experience during this lifetime, I have no fear of death. Of course I am a little concerned how I get there. I don’t want a prolonged or painful death where I am a burden to anyone. That’s why I have decided to take advantage of Delaware’s new right to die law that became in effect this past January 1st. My doctor gives me six months or less to live, I’m making my final plans. I don’t know what I’m going to die of. My prostate cancer has returned for which I’m not seeking treatment. I have a heart condition. I have trouble walking.
I take one day at a time though. No more medical treatments to prolong my life. I’m done with treatments. I live each day here in the comfort of my home with all my memories of Bill. My new husband visits me four times a year for two weeks at a time.
These days I tire easily. I take a lot of naps. However, I’m still able to keep up my home. I cook for myself. I tend my almost once acre oasis. I pay my bills. I enjoy my privacy. My neighbors are wonderful. Best neighbors I’ve ever had in my lifetime.
One day I will no longer be here. I write this on my Substack account because I feel a need to leave a little of something behind once I leave. Maybe there is or will be someone like me out “there” who will find my experience of dealing with the end of my life interesting. If not, that’s alright too. Writing for me has been by whole life a form of therapy for me.
That said, I’m done with his stream of consciousness.
Have a wonderful day everyone!
