Where I've Been

 

Bill's little memorial flower patch, right beneath my bedroom window. 

Nowhere.

I'm doing a bit of a reset in my daily routine folks.

There are a couple reasons. 

First, I have to stay within my budget. 

I'm naturally a spendaholic. Comes naturally to me. Been fighting it all my life. I don't have a choice now what with my income the only cash flow here at Casa Tipton-Kelly. 

Since Bill died and I haven't returned to work at the hotel, my household income has been cut in half. I can still manage to pay the necessary bills like electric, heat, Internet, phone, insurance (biggest bills by far) and food (smallest bills but not so much anymore). And lawn maintenance. That's a biggie but I do like a nice lawn and I can't mow it anymore myself so I pay José to mow it once a week. After I'm done paying the necessary bills, there isn't much left over. 

I'm not complaining, just stating facts. I am fortunate in that I don't have a mortgage payment. But with the cost of living going up double digits every year I'm falling behind. 

I admit I suffer the most common reason for being a spendaholic, buying things makes me feel good. I remember watching an Oprah show many years ago. I always used to feel superior when she had a show about people with various addictions. I knew I wasn't one of them until she had a show on spendaholics. I fit every symptom. Every one. It was embarrassing.

So in order not to spend money unnecessarily, I don't go out. Also, another reason I don't go out now as much as I used to is because of the heavy summer tourist traffic here in southern coastal Delaware where I live. Casa Tipton-Kelly borders Route One (Coastal Highway that goes all the way to Florida). That's a racetrack out there folks. If I do have to go out say to the supermarket to replenish supplies I go early Saturday or Sunday morning. The only other times I go out are for my doctor's appointments of which I have plenty now that I am old, feeble and failing. I try to arrange those doctors' appointments in Milton away from the Rehoboth Beach area. Usually my doctors' appointments come in bunches. I just finished a bunch when Pat was down here last month. I'm trying to arrange them again for when he visits again. Otherwise I'm on my own like next month when I have my regular six month VA checkup and my foot doctor appointment which happens every three months (I can't cut my toenails anymore).

So I don't go out much anymore but don't cry for me Argentina. I have plenty to do here at Casa Tipton-Kelly. I have more than enough yard work and there is the fish pond. When it's really hot and humid outside, like it has been most of this summer, I stay inside here and watch You Tube, post to my Threads account, talk to Pat on FaceTime and cook. I used to watch movies on my Netflix account but I suspended my account because I can't find any movies that I like. I wasted my money for far too long with my Netflix account. That suspension was long overdue. Lately I've been getting back into updating my Ancestry.com family tree information, which I've neglected for far too long. I really enjoy updating my family tree. I have tons of information backed up that needs posting and my Ancestry.com is another account that I've subscribed to over the years that I haven't been using. Time to make use of that subscription. 

My only problem now is not to sit too long at this computer because my legs swell up. I asked Alexa to remind me to get up every hour so at least I can move around and get the blood flowing in my legs. My heart blood flow is weak and getting weaker by the day so I have to take these measures.

So there you go folks. That's where I've been. 

Have a great day everyone!

The Muggies

 

Yesterday's visitor to my butterfly bush

Another hot, muggy day today.

I can't take the humidity.

Last night it rained. Lightening, thunderstorms, winds. Then this morning, humidity lays heavy on. the landscape here in southern coastal Delaware. 

This is to be expected since I live on a peninsula surrounded by water, much like Florida.

On days like this I stay inside my house. It's too dangerous for me to go outside in this heat and humidity. Literally, too dangerous. A few times I almost didn't make it back inside before I passed out. This is the main reason I pay Jose to mow my lawn weekly, which he does every Wednesday (today).

I could stay all day at my computer here in the house but after a while my lower legs swell up. I have poor blood flow. If I take a daily walk it helps to keep my legs from swelling up. I wish I had one of those suburban malls close by that I could take one of those daily old people walks around the mall.

Last night I was up until after two AM. Usually I don't stay up that late but some nights I'm just not sleepy. I did get a good sleep in though and got up later (about 7:30 AM) that I usually do. Lately I've been waking up at 4:30 or 5 AM and can't get back to sleep. I sense "something" is going on. My appetite has changed too. I'm just not that hungry anymore. I've lost weight but not that much so far. About eight to ten pounds. Maybe this all is just an "old age" thing. But I do feel I'm transitioning to a different phase.

Today I will take a lot of time correcting and updating my family tree on Ancestry.com. Something I've been meaning to do for years but life caught up with me the last four or five years. Three years full-time caregiver for Bill and then over two years grieving for his loss. I'll always grieve over not having Bill in my life to love and take care off but I feel it is time to move on now and get ready for my grand exit. But before that happens, some loose ends to clean up. Of course I'll never have all of them cleaned up but I'll do what I can. I don't want to leave too much of a mess for Pat.

Stay cool today folks!

Memories of Bill - 2015

Apple has a nice feature on my iMac. It's called Memory. It randomly selects photos and videos I've taken and chooses a theme and presents these compilations to me occasionally. A few days ago they presented to me several Memory videos of the years I was taking Bill to his various doctors' appointments and caring for him. The years range from 2015 to 2019 with the exception of the year 2017 which I wasn't able to transfer over other my You Tube account. Occasionally I will be posting these Memory compilation videos to this blog in memory of Bill. 

I don't think there is a day that has gone by since Bill died early Saturday morning February 22, 2024 that I haven't thought of him and missed him terribly. The initial shock of grief has lessened somewhat overtime but I know now this grief over not having Bill in your life will never leave me as long as I am alive on this earth in this lifetime. By posting these videos I honor and keep his memory alive.  

Ron On The Roof

 

Me dead heading flowers a the top of our roof garden when we lived in Center City Philadelphia July of 1976

These days I can hardly stand on a three step ladder. 

Yesterday I came across a still of an 8mm film of me on the roof of our big house in Pennsylvania. I wanted to post that picture today but I can't find it now. I'll find it eventually. 

I found them! 

Bill worked at the top of the Sears Tower in Chicago. I can't quite match his feat. I just get dizzy seeing videos of people atop high buildings. 

Play This Song At My Funeral

 

About five years ago I heard an instrumental version of this song on my Bose radio playlist. I did not know the lyrics but the song seemed very familiar. Listening to the melody choked me up and brought tears to my eyes.

"Where did I hear this song?" I thought. I racked my brain and couldn't figure it out but the familiarity was there. I thought maybe I heard it in one of those old Western movies where pioneers were trekking across America via the Oregon trail, dodging Indian attacks,  the sweltering heat and blizzards to finally arrive at their new home in the West. I looked up the lyrics 

"If you miss the train I'm on, you will know that I am gone

You can hear the whistle blow a hundred miles,
A hundred miles, a hundred miles, a hundred miles, a hundred miles,
You can hear the whistle blow a hundred miles.

Lord I'm one, Lord I'm two, Lord I'm three, Lord I'm four,
Lord I'm 500 miles from my home.
500 miles, 500 miles, 500 miles, 500 miles
Lord I'm five hundred miles from my home.

Not a shirt on my back, not a penny to my name
Lord I can't go a-home this a-way
This a-away, this a-way, this a-way, this a-way,
Lord I can't go a-home this a-way.

If you miss the train I'm on you will know that I am gone
You can hear the whistle blow a hundred miles.
A hundred miles, a hundred miles, a hundred miles, a hundred miles,
You can hear the whistle blow a hundred miles."

Nope. That wasn't where I heard this song. But I do know why this song is familiar.

As you know I believe in the Afterlife. We're just here on earth in this body to learn. Our real home is in the Afterlife or as others call it.....Heaven.

Now when I die, and we all die. I know I've talked about my impeding demise often on this blog but it is going to happen....eventually. I don't know if there will be a service for me. A funeral or a memorial. I have requested than there be none but once I'm gone, I no longer have any control over what happens to mark my time on earth in this iteration of one or my many lives. But if there is a service please play this song "500 Miles." And preferable the Peter, Paul and Mary version. Coincidentally, Mary and I share the same birthday, November 9th. I knew there was a connection!

And please, PLEASE......DO NOT PLAY "AMAZING GRACE." I swear to God, almost every funeral or memorial service I've attended they play "Amazing Grace." This was particularly graceless when my cousin Bud died. He was the same age as me. He loved "Phantom of the Opera." He wanted that song played at his funeral. His caregiver, his sister, chose not to play it because she thought it would be "inappropriate." And yes, she had "Amazing Grace" played at his funeral. 

Pat (or whoever) will take care of my final exit, DO NOT PLAY "AMAZING GRACE" AT MY FUNERAL. 

Play this song......"500 Miles." To me, this is the perfect sendoff for me in this life of mine. Especially the Peter, Paul and Mary version. 

Thank you folks and have a wonderful day and week!

Company Visits!

Today would have been me and Bill's 62nd anniversary.

Bill and I met for the first time July 3rd, 1964 at the Westbury Bar in Philadelphia, PA.

Forty-nine years later on this day, we were married on the exact day of our meeting which just happened to be the first day same sex marriage was allowed in Delaware.

Me and Bill and Jack and Judy at our wedding July 3, 2013

My good friends Jack and Judy were our witnesses. I've known Judy since high school, we graduated together. They were in town to celebrate their 65th wedding anniversary. Jack and Judy used to live here in Delaware for many years. A few years ago they decided to move back to Pennsylvania, where we are all from, to be closer to their children. They have seven children and multiple grandchildren. Judy had asked if she and Jack could stop by for a visit before they checked into their two week rental in nearby Lewes, where they used to live. When I was building Casa Tipton-Kelly twenty years ago, Jack and Judy let me stay at their home in Lewes while they spent the winter months at their home in Florida.

Now their children are scattered across the United States. From Boston to Los Angeles. The next two weeks is to be a gathering of their extended family. The video at the beginning of this post is of their daughter and son who arrived from Boston. I was gathering them for a group family photo. You know me and photos. I love to take photos and videos.

Their visit on this sweltering heat (99 degrees 110 degrees heat index with the humidity) was two fold. First to visit me and secondly because they needed a place to stay until they could check in to their house rentals later today.

I have to say this is the most guests I've ever had at Casa Tipton-Kelly. Bill and I were very private people and I continue to be private. Same with Pat. Today's visit was quite a departure for me. While I enjoyed seeing Jack and Judy again, and meeting some of their children for the first time, the whole experience left me a little discombobulated. That's not a bad thing, just something I'm not used to. From asking them all to remove their shoes before setting foot into Casa Tipton-Kelly to taking her children on a tour, something I'm not used to doing and I doubt if I ever will again in this lifetime. Bill and I used to joke about our home in Pennsylvania, that when we moved that beautiful home would probably be the site of many a family gathering and parties galore.

All told, today's visit was very nice. We all went to lunch at the Zava Cafe in nearby Milton. 

I preferred going to one of our many fine Mexican restaurants (any excuse for me to get a frozen Margarita on a hot day like today) but the patriarch of the clan doesn't like Mexican food. Zava Cafe was fine. Also, since I was one of the drivers (I drove Judy in my new car, "The Princess") I could only have an iced tea.

So that was my day. How was yours?

 

Heat Wave

 

The back deck of Casa Tipton-Kelly during this heat wave

Thank God for air conditioning!

Can you imagine living in Europe, where they don't believe in air conditioning? I would be one of those old folk fatalities that you read about who died from heat exhaustion if I lived in Europe.

This morning I made an early morning run to my local supermarket before the heat and Fourth of July tourist onslaught began. The traffic and heat were fine when I left at 6:45 AM. Not so much when I return ed at 7:30 AM. I sat a good ten minutes in my car waiting for a break from the south bound traffic coming from the north on Route One.  Casa Tipton-Kelly is located on the other side of Route One. Always a challenge getting home in the summertime from the summertime hordes.

The rest of the day I will stay inside here at my oasis from the heat, chaos and turmoil of the outside world. 

Tomorrow I'm having company. Old friends who rented a beach house to celebrate their 65th wedding anniversary with their extended family. Checkin isn't until later in the afternoon and they need a place to stay out of the heat if they come down earlier. That place would be right here at Casa Tipton-Kelly. Originally they were going to stay overnight (they are always welcome) but decided not to this time. We will also go out to lunch. I suggested one of my favorite local Mexican restaurants. 

My Canadian husband at that favorite local Mexican restaurant in Milton

I could use a frozen margarita in this steam bath that is southern Delaware.

Twelve Years Ago today June 2014

 

Twelve years ago today, my late husband Bill Kelly visited our nearby town of Milton, Delaware.

This video popped up on my feed this morning and I want to share it with you.

I am so thankful that I have these video memories of my special time with Bill, fifty-nine and half years. We almost made it to sixty until he died two and a half years ago in February of 2014.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think and miss Bill terribly. I was truly blessed to have him in my life. Without him in my life I'm only a half person that I was. Oh for sure, I love Pat but with Bill, he was and is my soulmate.

The day will come when we are rejoined together for eternity in Heaven. I look forward to that day.

Dance With Abandon

 

This is a short video I took of Hunters, a gay dance bar in Palm Springs, California during my visit February 16, 2019.

We were all dancing with abandon, not realizing our world was about to change with COVID just around the corner.

When I returned home, Bill, my husband of fifty-nine year, had two strokes. For the next three years I was his full-time caregiver until he died in February of 2024.

Last year I visited Palm Springs again with Pat but didn't go to Hunters because I had a lot on my mind. I considered my visit to Palm Springs the last time in this life. I've changed my mind though. Since I found out that my prostate cancer has not spread, I think I'll visit Palm Springs again this February. I'll have to check the finances to see if I can swing it. I'm getting to the end of this lifetime. I would like to have at least one more party. Too much is going on in the world now and I need some happy times. 

Philadelphia Skyline June 2026

 

Last week while Pat and I were visiting our longtime friend Don McK. in Philadelphia, I took this short video of Pat and Don on the roof of the building where he lives at 21st and Chestnut Streets in Center City Philadelphia. 

Checkout that skyline. I think Philly has the best skyline of any city in the United States.

I thought our visit to Don would be my last visit. He's eighty nine years old and I was under the assumption that my prostate cancer had spread and I would be long for this world. Now with the positive results of my PET-SCAN this week, I'm making plans to visit Don again. Pat will be down this fall and that's when we'll be up on Don's roof again with that fabulous view of Philadelphia's skyline. 

Good News!

GOOD NEWS! I just received the results of my PET-SCAN that I took today. Here is the specific wording: "No evidence of metastatic disease or adenopathy". Then the report goes into more detail but there is no evidence of prostate cancer. The only negative, which I expected, "The heart if enlarged. There are extensive atherosclerotic coronary artery calcifications" I knew I had this condition. But the really good news is that your prayers worked. 

I DON'T HAVE PROSTATE CANCER!

PET-SCAN Today

 

Me, Milton Delaware June 29, 2014. Shortly after I received my first treatment for my prostate cancer. This time I'm not seeking treatment. I'm ready to rejoin Bill in Heaven. No more medical procedures for this 84 year old.

Today at 1:15 PM I get my PET-SCAN.

My urologist suggested that I get this six months ago to see if and how far my returning prostate cancer has spread. 

It has been frustrating getting this appointment. The local hospital has changed my appointment three times. My original appointment was when Pat was here. Then they changed it to July 2nd. I called and complained that I didn't want to travel down tourist ladened Route One so close to the Fourth of July. In the past Route One has been a parking lot. Pat and I already experienced that parking lot traffic jam last week. I've had medical appointments in the summer tourist season before and been late for them. Each year the traffic gets worse. This year so far has already proved that. I'm nervous enough about getting another IV poked in my arm and being in a tube for an extended length of time then sitting around for about two hours. I don't need the added stress of being stuck in a typical summertime Rehoboth Beach Route One (Coastal Highway) parking lot.

I've already made the decision not to seek further treatment for my prostate cancer even though my doctor seems anxious to begin that process. I'm done with treatments, especially the side effects. 

I'm old enough now (84) to call it quits on this life. I've had a wonderful life and I certainly don't want to spend whatever time I have left like my brother John, friend Rich, friend Larry and many others struggling through each day dealing with the side effects of their treatments. And I certainly don't want to be dependent on anyone to take care of me. Be it Pat or some other person who I have to pay. I choose to spend my remaining days as I am now, independent and able to take care of myself. When that is no longer viable then I will take advantage of Delaware's right to die law, which became effective this year. 

That's it for now. 

Have a great day!

Summertime 2026 Updates

 

Summer is upon us.

Pat will be down this Sunday for a couple weeks. He's my driver to my multitude of doctor's appointments in the next two weeks. 

Pat is a big help. I'm not that comfortable driving anymore, especially in this Rehoboth Beach/Lewes Delaware summertime traffic, which becomes heavier and more dense each year. It's already started. If I have to go out, I go out early in the morning before the hordes descend upon Route One (Coastal Highway) to their beach destinations Rehoboth Beach and beyond. 

One of my doctor's appointments is to get a PET-SCAN to see how far my returning prostate cancer has spread. I'm pretty sure I'm in the same boat that former president Biden is in, the cancer has spread to my bones. I'm in pain almost every waking hour. Not excruciating pain (yet) but it's just hard for me to move around. Some of that may be my arthritis. I'm good in the morning but as the day progresses the pain becomes so much that I have to lie down, sometimes taking an Advil. I try to avoid getting in the habit though of taking Advil every day though, just if the pain is too much. Thank goodness lying down on my back alleviates the pain. 

These days I'm taking two naps. One in the morning around 10:30 AM and the other in the afternoon around 3:30 PM until 6:00 PM. Yes, my naps are that long. I usually go to bed about 11 PM but I wind down much earlier. I do get up early in the morning though, around 5:30 AM up until 7 AM. I never have been one of those late sleepers. Pat is. He's a late sleeper. I think I got out of that habit when I was a teenager and missed my school bus ride once. I made a vow then to never sleep late although I did miss my class trip to New York City because I over slept. That's something I've regretted my whole life, missing that trip.

Back to my PET-SCAN. Earlier this week I received an e-mail from Beebe (the hospital) to check in early on my computer. I took the half hour or so to check in early including entering all my medications and a lot of other unnecessary information only to get down to the "SUBMIT" button, which when I hit "ENTER" it said my appointment was CANCELLED! What? I just spent all that time on my computer with AI checking in and they cancel my appointment? Sure! So I called, and called, and called. These days they have automated assistants to answer the phones, otherwise know as AI. Well, not to bore you but I spent half my morning trying to get through to the hospital only to find they had changed my appointment to July 2nd! July 2nd? This is the height of the summertime traffic, Fourth of July weekend and to top everything else off, Pat wouldn't be here to take me to my appointment. Also I would have to change my appointment with my urologist because this is when I was going to inform him that I'm not seeking further treatment for my prostate cancer. I had planned all this discussion for when Pat was here. All that was out the window now because obviously someone more important than me has bumped my appointment. By the way, this is the second time my appointment has been changed. 

I plunged in again and tried to call Beebe and explain to them that my husband lives in Canada and he would be down here for two weeks in June and I would like him to be with me when I get my PET-SCAN and discuss my end of life decision with my urologist. I finally got through and of course they said they couldn't change it. I was frustrated and I replied "I'll be glad to get out of this world because of situations like this." That must have had an effect because about an hour later they called back and gave me an option for an earlier appointment. Still not a date when Pat would be here but at least I wouldn't be sitting in the parking lot that is Route One on Fourth of July weekend. 

In the meantime I'm living my best life I can every day. When Pat is down we'll try a few new restaurants but we won't be eating out as much because of the dramatically increased prices in restaurants.  I don't know why those prices are up so much because they certainly don't pay their help $15  an hour like they pay in Royal Farms or other minimum wage service jobs. My last job as a hotel front desk clerk, for which I had over twenty years experience and even won a trip to Disney World as Best Guest Service Award (2000, when I worked at the Hampton Inn in Pennsylvania), I never made more than $12 an hour. Started at $9 and hour and gradually with .25 cent increases worked up to $12 an hour. Yes Virginia, that is a true story. I have specialized in low paying jobs my whole adult career. Even when working for the banks I never made more than $37,500 even though my contemporaries were making $50,000 to $80,000 a year. However I contribute that to the fact I was always an out gay person which is why I never had an officer title like Assistant Vice President. But Bill and I made our lives work even though he took early retirement at 55 years of age and I was the sole breadwinner in our family for the next seven years until he could start collecting his Social Security early. The only way we were able to manage this was my insistence on buying our first home early and get out of the rental trap, which we did. Back then (1980) the real estate industry didn't base prices on two income families which is what we were. Of course now they do. I don't know how young couples can buy homes now unless both of them work. Well, not my problem now in this lifetime. That's for them to work out.

Say, have you noticed? I'm on a ramble here? I haven't been posting too much (and I won't in the future) but every now and then I just feel like talking. That's why I blog. Therapy and maybe, just maybe to help others who read this blog not to make the same mistakes I made in life this lifetime. Yes, I absolutely believe we live many lives. Our purpose in life is to learn and to love. I have accomplished both of those goals and now I am ready to comfortably coast out.

This past week I've been studying the exact details how and when one does the medically assisted suicide thing. Interesting. Also interesting reading the stories of those who have done it. They have all felt the same way I do, they have witnessed prolonged painful and degrading deaths of their loved ones and were thankful they could choose to go out in relative comfort and at a place of their choosing and with their dignity intact. That's my goal folks. And once I get this PET-SCAN complete (I'll believe it when it happens) and have the discussion with my urologist about my plans (I need his permission, I already have my primary care doctor's permission), I can concentrate on living and appreciating each day I have left. Remember folks, all of us are going to die someday. No body gets out of this life alive. But some of us fortunately live in states that choose to treat their human beings as well as they treat their pets when they're dying. I am one of those lucky people.

There, that's my rant for the day.

Way Too Hot

 

Way too hot outside. I'm just going to lay low for a while.

I don't have anything scheduled for the rest of the month. Pat arrives early next month. I have a whole series of doctor's appointments, including the PET-SCAN to see how far (if) my returning prostate cancer has spread.

These days I'm pretty much exhausted. I can't do much else other than go through my regular routines of the day. By the end of the day around 9:30 to 10:00 PM I'm pretty much done. 

Mom Was Always Right!

Me and my Mom 2010 (about three months before she died)

Good morning all! I have the rest of the month free (no doctor’s appointments)! Next month is a different story SEVEN DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENTS including a PET-SCAN to see how far my prostate cancer has spread. Appointments next month:

Labs

PET-SCAN

Urologist

Podiatrist

Hearing Aid checkup

Dentist

Dermatologist

And to think I used to tease my Mother when she was the age (84) that I am now. I said “Your life is just a series of doctor’s appointments interrupted by your life.” Her response was “You just wait, your time is coming.” She was right.

Mom's are always right!

555

 Lately I've been noticing the number "555" showing up on my digital clocks. 

I know what "1111" means. I've also have been seeing that number a lot since Bill passed away.

Many believe seeing 11:11 is a message from spiritual guides that you are on the right path.  

It is also regarded as a "cosmic green light", indicating that your thoughts are rapidly manifesting into reality. 

Many also believe that 11:11 signals the arrival or close proximity of a soulmate. It represents the meeting of two souls destine to align in perfect timing. 

Makes sense to me. 

As I have mentioned several times before in this blog, Bill contacts me by that burned out Christmas light in our living room. Interestingly the last three nights that light has been off. Then I started seeing "555" displayed on my digital clock. Not that I was looking for it, it is just that my attention was drawn to one of my digital clocks in my bedroom or other digital clocks around here at Casa Tipton-Kelly. 

It has appeared so many times that I decided to do some research. Here is what I found:

"The 555 angel number is a powerful message signaling that major, positive life changes and transformations are eminent. It ate as a "cosmic green light" from the universe to embrace new beginning, freedom, and personal growth, urging you to trust that these shifts align with your highest good."

Well, I know this. Lately I have just given up on caring about things that used to concern me. For instance, this mess the United States is in now with Trump and the war with Iran and everything else, whatever happens, happens. Particularly concerning is the United States Supreme Court gutting the voting rights act. But none of that is going to be my concern anymore. I have other priorities and seeing these numbers confirms that actuality that I am in now.

Time Flies

 

Pat and Ron at the Santa Monica Pier, California January 17, 2016

It's amazing how time flies.

Here is a selfie I took of me and Pat at the Santa Monica Pier during our visit to California in January of 2016. 

That was ten years ago. 

I'm pretty sure there won't be a picture of us ten years from now. If there is, we will be 87 and 94 years old respectively. That's probably a picture you don't want to see.

Interesting Things Happening Lately

 

Me and Bill June 9th, 2013

Something strange has been happening lately. 

For the past two nights Bill hasn't visited via that burned out Christmas light. There have been occasions in the past two and a half years since he died that that light has went out. Funny thing though, one of the other lights occasionally flashes on big then goes out. Now that has me thinking, "is someone else trying to contact me?" 

Well, I wouldn't blame anyone for thinking maybe I'm going Looney Tunes here at Casa Tipton-Kelly. 

There are some other strange things happening too. About nine-thirty at night I'm exhausted. So exhausted I can't even stay up and watch the opening of Lawrence O'Donnell's show "The Last Word." And when I say exhausted I mean I feel like I just ran a 26 mile marathon. 

Maybe my prostate cancer is really taking off. It's hard to tell because I'm always in pain from my arthritis. Especially my lower back. My legs feel like wooden tree trunks. I can hardly move them by the end of the day.

Interesting thing though, when I get up in the morning, even though my whole body is stiff and aching with arthritic pain, I have a lot more energy. That's when I do my walk and any activity outside like working on my pond. I love working on my pond. Seeing my gaggle of goldfish, most of whom were born in that pond, swimming around happily. There is even a big bullfrog that has taken up residence. Makes you wonder, where did he come from? I had the same situation at our place in Pennsylvania, build a pond and the frogs will show up. That reminds me, when I was doing my mile walk this morning in the Oyster Rocks development, the one behind me (I went there to get new scenery), I came across a baby turtle the size of a nickel. Of course I rescued it and carried it to the water retention basin at the end of my development. Good deed for the day Ron.

Some other interesting things is that I'm losing a lot of interest in the current news. Oh sure, it's all fucked up with Trump and his lackeys and criminal cohorts but I'm finding I just don't care. This is what the majority of Americans voted for? Go for it stupids. Too stupid to even know when they're being hoodwinked by a liar and a con artist. I'm moving on from that mess. Maybe it will straighten itself out, maybe not. I just don't have the energy to care anymore. Still, it surprises me how may feckless cowards there are in Congress, the media and big business. They're all in it together. I guess I always knew that.

Well, I hope that absence of the Christmas light not coming on doesn't mean I won't see Bill in the Afterlife. Even after two and a half years I still miss him every day. I never knew anything could hit me this hard but it has. I just learn to live with it until I can be together with him in Heaven. I'm pretty sure that will happen, probably sooner than I think.

Prostate Cancer Update

 

Me and Pat in Lewes, DE during his last visit this past March. Looking forward to spending more time with him next month.

Just little over a month to go until I have my PET-SCAN to see if and how far my prostate cancer has spread. My appointment is June 11th. Pat will be down here then. However, he won't be here when I see my urologist and inform him that I will not seek any further treatment for my prostate cancer. I'm done with treatments.

I've been doing more research on what happens to a man when his prostate cancer returns and he doesn't get for treatment. Specifically I asked "Is it very painful?" Sure, this is a concern of mine. Nobody is a big fan of pain and especially me. The answer of course is yes. But then the answer qualifies "it varies." I'm hoping I'm on of those cancer patients that can get out of this life relatively pain free. Then there are the side effects, mainly bowel changes. Of course I expected that. Well, I've had that problem in various stages my whole life. I'll deal with that if and when it happens.

I also did research as to why men choose assisted suicide instead of further debilitating treatment and as I suspect they are the same reasons why I will not seek treatment. These are:

Loss of Autonomy: The most cited reason (often over 90% of the cases) is the desire to maintain control over one's life and the circumstances of death. 

This is me. I've been in control of most of my life and I have no desire to give over control to the medical establishment to experiment with my body and quality of life at this time of my life when I will die. To be helpless and dependent on others would be sheer torture both mentally and physically to me. 

Decreased Quality of Life: Many express that they are no longer able to engage ion activities that make life enjoyable.

This is also one of my main reasons that I will not seek delay methods to delay my eventual death. I don't want to be dependent on a pump to get the urine out of my bladder because radiation has destroyed my urethra canal through scar tissue like my friend Rich. Rich also originally got prostate cancer when I did in 2013. His returned in 2019 and he got radiation treatment which had this awful side effect. He has decided to seek any and all treatment to delay his eventual death from prostate cancer, at eighty-four years old I'm ready to make my grand exit from this life. I will not live my remaining life that way he has chosen. 

Loss of Dignity: This is a major concern for patients facing the final stages of terminal illness.

Again, another major reason for my decision not to seek treatment. I only have one person in my life who can take care of my (Pat) and I'm not going to lay that burden on him. I was privileged to be Bill's full-time caregiver for the remaining three years of his life and glad of it. I would have had it no other way. But I do not want to put that burden on anyone else in my life. Bill often told me he would have killed himself because he was so unhappy that he couldn't see and physically do the things that made life interesting for him. He said the only reason he didn't take himself out was because of me. He didn't want to put that burden on me. That's how unselfish Bill was. But with Pat and I it is a different situation. We life apart even though we're now married. Since 2013, coincidentally the same year I was diagnosed with prostate cancer, we have been getting together quarterly and since Bill's death we have continued that pattern. This works for us. Even if and when Pat is approved for his green card and come and life in the U.S. permanently, we will continue to live apart. He in Palm Springs and me here in Delaware. And we will continue to get together quarterly. If I live that long that is.

Pain Management: While concern about future pain is a factor, it is often ranked lower than the psychological desire for autonomy and dignity.

I feel the same way. I do have a concern about pain as we all do but the first two factors, autonomy and dignity are my primary concerns.  

Notice that the concern about death doesn't actually appear in this AI generated research. I too don't have a concern about dying. I a confident I will return to my real home in a place many call Heaven. There I know I will rejoin Bill's spirit. He awaits me. As do our pets and my other family members and friends I have made in this lifetime. Yes, I do believe we have many lives or reincarnations. Quite frankly, I'm ready to take some time off from this particular life this time around. I've learned a lot, which I believe is the purpose of our human life on this planet. But I am tired now, both physically and mentally. Also, and perhaps more importantly, I am at peace with my decision not to prolong my life any longer in a much reduced debilitated state. 

You know it's interesting, I see day by day how life is already passing me by. When I go out, which is a lot less these days, I feel almost invisible. Prior to caring for Bill I could still turn some heads when I went out in public. Taking care of Bill really aged me. I'm not complaining but being Bill's full-time caregiver took a toll on me both physically and mentally. As I knew it would. That's why I passed on the requests to take care of my friends Bob M. and Wayne J. when they were dying. They had no one close to them to be their caregivers. The hospital begged me to sign them out when I visited them. I felt so guilty but I couldn't. I knew I had to preserve my energy to take care of Bill should that time come. And it did and I was able too. When I go, I don't want to put that burden on Pat. And he would be the only one who would even care. I have no one else. I've been estranged from my one surviving brother. He's full blown into the Trump MAGA cult. He's lost. And he has alienated his whole family from me. And my other relatives, they all have their own lives. 

Time marches on. A new generation is on the horizon. My generation is slowly fading away. I'm ready to go. I'm just thankful that I have the opportunity to do it on my own terms. 

Just Relaxing

 

Just relaxing here folks, Enjoying the fine spring weather. 

I love my backyard. This is what I've been striving for all my life. 

I'm very lucky to live in such a nice neighborhood with wonderful neighbors. After a lifetime of looking for the perfect home, I found it. Only problem is that I just run out of energy to enjoy it. 

I spend more time sleeping these days. 

This is probably my last spring. But don't cry for me Argentina (Ron says). I have the best of both worlds. Someone to love and who loves me and a wonderful home.

Have a great day everyone!