Results Of Doctor's Appointment

 

This morning I saw my urologist to discuss the results of my recent PET-SCAN. 

He was puzzled by the results of my PET-SCAN because even though I recent elevated levels of my PSA score, the PET-SCAN didn't reveal any traces of prostate cancer, even in my prostate.

He immediately suggested that I begin hormone therapy just to "slow down" any chances of the cancer returning. I immediately shut that down saying "No, I'm fatigued enough." I realize he was going through his usual protocol by suggesting this treatment but I'm not having it. I told him why and I related the story of my friend Rich S. who had both. radiation and hormone therapy and is now dealing with a urethra that is destroyed by scar tissue. My doctor seemed taken aback a bit which didn't surprise me. I think most doctors just expect that you go along with their suggestions. 

I told him I've done quite a bit of thinking and research about what I want to do should my prostate cancer return and spread. I told him that I'm 84 years old and I'm not getting any more treatments for anything. I also told him that should my prostate cancer return and spread that I will take advantage of Delaware's new right to die law. I asked him if he "was on board" with my decision because I would need his approval plus another doctor's. He said "Sure, anything you want." Then I told him I have lived a fabulous life and that most of my friends are gone now and I have no family to speak of so what is the point of continuing? Again, he seemed a little uncomfortable with the way this conversation was going. I continued. I told him that I took are of Bill the last three years of his life. How unhappy Bill was. I also told him of my late brother's three year journey trying to stave off his lymphoma cancer only to die cancer free but of organ failure. By now he was just sitting there listening to me. He knew I had made my decision. And that decision was "watchful waiting." A term much used by older men like me who don't want to go through the side effects of prostate cancer treatment. He then suggested that I se him again in six months after I get another blood test. So that's where I stand now.

Then I left in this smoky town that is Milton. The Canadian wildfires smoke has descended on Delaware.

Life goes on.

Have a great day everyone!

Doctor's Appointment This Morning

 

This morning at 10:00 AM I have an appointment with my urologist to review the results of my recent PET-SCAN. 

That PET-SCAN did not indicate that my prostate cancer had spread throughout the rest of my body. That's the good news. The bad news is that my PSA keeps rising at a rapid rate.

Six months ago, when my doctor noticed my PSA score dramatically increasing he wanted to start radiation and hormone therapy treatments to "get me a couple more years." He also wanted to do another biopsy to see if and how much of the cancer was still in my prostate gland. I turned him down immediately on both counts. He then suggested that I get a PET-SCAN and see him again in six months. That's where I am now today.

So today I will inform my doctor that I will not seek any further treatment for my prostate cancer. 

No radiation therapy.

No hormone therapy.

No biopsies.

At eighty-four years old, I am not going to subject this old body to more stressful "treatments" to hold the possible spread of prostate cancer. 

After seeing what my younger brother went through the last three years of his life with "treatments" only to die "cancer free" but of organ failure, that's route I'm not taking

After seeing my friend Rich S., who was first diagnosed with prostate cancer back in 2013 the same time I was only to have it return in 2019 and he got radiation and hormone therapy treatment only to have his urethra destroyed by scar tissue and now he has to pump his urine out of his bladder with a device while the doctors try to rebuild his urethra with flesh from the inside of his cheek, I'll pass on that "treatment" too.

I will tell my doctor the only thing I need from him is a diagnose of six months or less to live, if it should come to that. I may die of something else besides prostate cancer. It is well known that most men die WITH prostate cancer but not OF prostate cancer. 

I will tell my doctor that I'm taking the "Watchful Waiting" route. If and when my prostate cancer spreads, then give me that six month prognosis so I can make plans for my Grand Exit.

This is one thing I know, I will not leave this world the way my brother did or the way Bill did. I will leave this world as I am now. Fully functional and taking care of myself. No prolonged, undignified, dependent on others, exit for me. I know that is the usual way in our Western culture for dying human beings to go. I have decided to go the way I help seven pets of ours go, on our own terms.

Today is just a formality. After my appointment today I go back to my day to day living the best I can with my stooped over body, aches and pains, calcified heart and slipping memory. My main objective right now is not to fall and injure myself.

Have a great day everyone!

Good News!

GOOD NEWS! I just received the results of my PET-SCAN that I took today. Here is the specific wording: "No evidence of metastatic disease or adenopathy". Then the report goes into more detail but there is no evidence of prostate cancer. The only negative, which I expected, "The heart if enlarged. There are extensive atherosclerotic coronary artery calcifications" I knew I had this condition. But the really good news is that your prayers worked. 

I DON'T HAVE PROSTATE CANCER!

PET-SCAN Today

 

Me, Milton Delaware June 29, 2014. Shortly after I received my first treatment for my prostate cancer. This time I'm not seeking treatment. I'm ready to rejoin Bill in Heaven. No more medical procedures for this 84 year old.

Today at 1:15 PM I get my PET-SCAN.

My urologist suggested that I get this six months ago to see if and how far my returning prostate cancer has spread. 

It has been frustrating getting this appointment. The local hospital has changed my appointment three times. My original appointment was when Pat was here. Then they changed it to July 2nd. I called and complained that I didn't want to travel down tourist ladened Route One so close to the Fourth of July. In the past Route One has been a parking lot. Pat and I already experienced that parking lot traffic jam last week. I've had medical appointments in the summer tourist season before and been late for them. Each year the traffic gets worse. This year so far has already proved that. I'm nervous enough about getting another IV poked in my arm and being in a tube for an extended length of time then sitting around for about two hours. I don't need the added stress of being stuck in a typical summertime Rehoboth Beach Route One (Coastal Highway) parking lot.

I've already made the decision not to seek further treatment for my prostate cancer even though my doctor seems anxious to begin that process. I'm done with treatments, especially the side effects. 

I'm old enough now (84) to call it quits on this life. I've had a wonderful life and I certainly don't want to spend whatever time I have left like my brother John, friend Rich, friend Larry and many others struggling through each day dealing with the side effects of their treatments. And I certainly don't want to be dependent on anyone to take care of me. Be it Pat or some other person who I have to pay. I choose to spend my remaining days as I am now, independent and able to take care of myself. When that is no longer viable then I will take advantage of Delaware's right to die law, which became effective this year. 

That's it for now. 

Have a great day!

Prostate Cancer Update

 

Me and Pat in Lewes, DE during his last visit this past March. Looking forward to spending more time with him next month.

Just little over a month to go until I have my PET-SCAN to see if and how far my prostate cancer has spread. My appointment is June 11th. Pat will be down here then. However, he won't be here when I see my urologist and inform him that I will not seek any further treatment for my prostate cancer. I'm done with treatments.

I've been doing more research on what happens to a man when his prostate cancer returns and he doesn't get for treatment. Specifically I asked "Is it very painful?" Sure, this is a concern of mine. Nobody is a big fan of pain and especially me. The answer of course is yes. But then the answer qualifies "it varies." I'm hoping I'm on of those cancer patients that can get out of this life relatively pain free. Then there are the side effects, mainly bowel changes. Of course I expected that. Well, I've had that problem in various stages my whole life. I'll deal with that if and when it happens.

I also did research as to why men choose assisted suicide instead of further debilitating treatment and as I suspect they are the same reasons why I will not seek treatment. These are:

Loss of Autonomy: The most cited reason (often over 90% of the cases) is the desire to maintain control over one's life and the circumstances of death. 

This is me. I've been in control of most of my life and I have no desire to give over control to the medical establishment to experiment with my body and quality of life at this time of my life when I will die. To be helpless and dependent on others would be sheer torture both mentally and physically to me. 

Decreased Quality of Life: Many express that they are no longer able to engage ion activities that make life enjoyable.

This is also one of my main reasons that I will not seek delay methods to delay my eventual death. I don't want to be dependent on a pump to get the urine out of my bladder because radiation has destroyed my urethra canal through scar tissue like my friend Rich. Rich also originally got prostate cancer when I did in 2013. His returned in 2019 and he got radiation treatment which had this awful side effect. He has decided to seek any and all treatment to delay his eventual death from prostate cancer, at eighty-four years old I'm ready to make my grand exit from this life. I will not live my remaining life that way he has chosen. 

Loss of Dignity: This is a major concern for patients facing the final stages of terminal illness.

Again, another major reason for my decision not to seek treatment. I only have one person in my life who can take care of my (Pat) and I'm not going to lay that burden on him. I was privileged to be Bill's full-time caregiver for the remaining three years of his life and glad of it. I would have had it no other way. But I do not want to put that burden on anyone else in my life. Bill often told me he would have killed himself because he was so unhappy that he couldn't see and physically do the things that made life interesting for him. He said the only reason he didn't take himself out was because of me. He didn't want to put that burden on me. That's how unselfish Bill was. But with Pat and I it is a different situation. We life apart even though we're now married. Since 2013, coincidentally the same year I was diagnosed with prostate cancer, we have been getting together quarterly and since Bill's death we have continued that pattern. This works for us. Even if and when Pat is approved for his green card and come and life in the U.S. permanently, we will continue to live apart. He in Palm Springs and me here in Delaware. And we will continue to get together quarterly. If I live that long that is.

Pain Management: While concern about future pain is a factor, it is often ranked lower than the psychological desire for autonomy and dignity.

I feel the same way. I do have a concern about pain as we all do but the first two factors, autonomy and dignity are my primary concerns.  

Notice that the concern about death doesn't actually appear in this AI generated research. I too don't have a concern about dying. I a confident I will return to my real home in a place many call Heaven. There I know I will rejoin Bill's spirit. He awaits me. As do our pets and my other family members and friends I have made in this lifetime. Yes, I do believe we have many lives or reincarnations. Quite frankly, I'm ready to take some time off from this particular life this time around. I've learned a lot, which I believe is the purpose of our human life on this planet. But I am tired now, both physically and mentally. Also, and perhaps more importantly, I am at peace with my decision not to prolong my life any longer in a much reduced debilitated state. 

You know it's interesting, I see day by day how life is already passing me by. When I go out, which is a lot less these days, I feel almost invisible. Prior to caring for Bill I could still turn some heads when I went out in public. Taking care of Bill really aged me. I'm not complaining but being Bill's full-time caregiver took a toll on me both physically and mentally. As I knew it would. That's why I passed on the requests to take care of my friends Bob M. and Wayne J. when they were dying. They had no one close to them to be their caregivers. The hospital begged me to sign them out when I visited them. I felt so guilty but I couldn't. I knew I had to preserve my energy to take care of Bill should that time come. And it did and I was able too. When I go, I don't want to put that burden on Pat. And he would be the only one who would even care. I have no one else. I've been estranged from my one surviving brother. He's full blown into the Trump MAGA cult. He's lost. And he has alienated his whole family from me. And my other relatives, they all have their own lives. 

Time marches on. A new generation is on the horizon. My generation is slowly fading away. I'm ready to go. I'm just thankful that I have the opportunity to do it on my own terms. 

Update Visit With VA Doctor

 

Waiting for my primary care doctor to come on line this morning

This morning I had my six month visit with my primary care doctor at the VA Outpatient Clinic in Georgetown. I was looking forward to this visit because I wanted to discuss my plans for treating the reoccurrence of my prostate cancer.

I'm happy to say he's on board with my decision not to seek further medical treatment for my prostate cancer. He did say that there are a lot more treatments that are available if I wanted to stave off the cancer or slow it down. Mainly hormone treatments which I'm not inclined to do. I've already developed man boobs. I don't need to further enhance them with accompanying hot flashes. But we shall see.

I was concerned that he would be one of those doctors who has a personal bias against patients not seeking treatment and choosing assisted suicide should the going get too ugly. He isn't. Now I have to see my urologist in June after I get my PET-SCAN. I don't know how he feels on this subject since he was ready to start treatment for me right away last December. I hesitated because I wanted to give more thought to how I wanted to go. Now that I know I will not seek any more treatment be it radiation, chemotherapy or hormone treatments. I'll just live out the rest of my life hopefully like I am doing now. 

I asked him what was his experience with other patients who were or are in the similar situation that I am in now. He told me he just had a patient this week that has similar circumstances that I have and he has also chosen not to get further treatment. He also told me that from his experience, that most men who have a reoccurrence of prostate cancer die of something else. That was also my feeling, that I will probably exit this wonderful life I've had the last eighty-four years from some other method. We even mentioned that I could walk out of his office this morning and be hit by a car. One never knows does one?

All in all, I feel so much better now that I have this other of the way. Now to live my life.

Have a great day!

Reconnecting With A Friend From My Past

 

Peirce College Broad and Pine Streets, Philadelphia
I took this picture November 4, 2016 during one of me and Pat's visits to Philadelphia. 

Sixty years ago, shortly after I began my employment at Girard Bank in Philadelphia, I began night school to take advantage of the GI Bill and start my college education. If you'll remember, I wasn't one of those "fortunate sons" that Creedence Clearwater sang about. My family circumstances weren't such that I could attend college after graduation from high school. Hell, I couldn't even get a job so what do low income white folk like me do? We join the service. Army in my case. No bone spurs here. Actually I failed my first Army physical and had to have an operation (I was born with a hernia) before I could try to enlist again. I had the operation, contacted a staph infection, spent most of the rest of my graduation year in and out of hospitals and three surgeries until I was able to join the Army in January of 1960.

Three years later I departed the Army. I would have stayed in but at that time if the Army found out you were gay you were discharged with a "less than honorable discharge" which meant that you couldn't receive the benefits that were offered upon joining (health care for life). I had a good job in the Army at the National Security Agency at Fort Meade and could have easily transitioned to a civilian status but still, since the National Security Agency was a government agency and former President Eisenhower's edit of "no fags in the Army" was still in effect, based on that if someone found out you were gay like the Russians they could blackmail you into turning over state secrets. Of course this is circular logic because if it wasn't against the law to be gay then one couldn't be blackmailed. And another thing, there was never one case of any homosexual being blackmailed by Russians or any other potential enemy of the United States but such was the ridiculousness of the "laws" back then. But I digress.

I left the Army in January of 1963 and proceeded to have several jobs before I landed at Girard Bank in Philadelphia. While at the bank I was encouraged by my boss to take American Institute of Banking courses at a nearby college, Peirce Junior College (now know as "Peirce University") which was just up Broad Street several blocks from Girard Bank which was located right across from the Philadelphia City Hall. I signed up for those courses which I would attend a couple nights a week after my workday. One late afternoon while I was walking up Broad Street after work I encountered a coworker from the bank where we both worked. We didn't work in the same department but the same bank. His name was Rich (no last name to protect his privacy). We became friends and would meet each other after work and walk together up Broad Street to Pine Street to attend Peirce, a college founded after the Civil War. No campus this college, just an old, magnificent building from the 19th century. 

Me in front of Peirce College, November 14 2016

During one of our walks together Rich asked me what college courses I was majoring in. I told him I was only attending the AIB courses. He said "Why don't you take college courses? You're going to the same building and the Army will pay for it?" He made a good point. No one in my immediate family family had a college degree and I was the first one to even graduate from high school. Both of my parents had quit high school including one of my two younger brothers. So I applied for the GI Bill and was accepted. The United States government sent me a monthly check, which was substantially more than I was paying Peirce. So actually for me attending college was like a part-time job after work. 

Thus I began attending night school, three nights a week, for the next four years. After I completed my courses (I majored in Business Economics), and attained my Associates Degree, I decided I had enough college. No more term papers for me. Ironically my term paper was "The Emerging Republican Majority." At that time the Democrats were in charge of the House of Representatives for forty years. I never thought in my lifetime would I ever see the Republicans in charge. Oh yes, I was a registered Republican at that time. I've since corrected that mistake when George Bush and Dick Cheney tried to take away my veteran's benefits in 2000 to give another huge tax cuts to their rich and powerful friends. That my friends is a subject for another whole blog posting if not a book. But again I digress.

My friend Rich went on to complete his education at the University of Pennsylvania, the Wharton School of Economics. You know, the one Trump brags about attending and graduating with "honors" even though no one can seem to find those records. Yes, that one. 

At that time I was young and full of hormones and I wanted to have fun. Rich was in a different situation. He had a wife and three young children, one of whom was autistic. He had different priorities than I had. He also went on to great success after he got his four year degree from the University of Pennsylvania.

Over the years we kept in touch by Christmas cards. That's a habit of mine, people I like I send Christmas cards even though our lives have taken us in different directions. 

Fast forward to the year 2013. Rich called me on the phone, the first time we talked since the late Sixties. He told me he had prostate cancer. Just so happened that was the year I was also diagnosed with prostate cancer. 

He was trying to decide what treatment to take to control his cancer as I was also trying to decide. He took a different route than I took. He decided to have his prostate removed. I didn't want to do that because of the chance of being incontinent and loss of sexual drive. 

Fast forward to about six years ago. His prostate cancer returned. When I talked to him then he hadn't decided what treatment he was going to get. Then I lost touch with him.  This was about the time that Bill fell and was unconscious with a brain hemorrhage and ended up at Thomas Jefferson Hospital in Philadelphia in the ICU unit then rehab for a couple more weeks. The following three years I was his full-time caregiver until he died two years ago this month. 

Now that it seems that my prostate cancer has returned I wanted to call Rich to find out what treatment he got. By the way, Rich and his wife have since moved down here to Delaware for the same reason I moved, to escape the high Pennsylvania school/real estate taxes. 

Yesterday I talked to him. He decided to get the same treatments my urologist was recommending for me, radiation and hormone therapy. Rich said they "screwed up" with his radiation. The radiation destroyed his urethra. He had to have a flesh replacement from his cheek to rebuild his urethra. Even so, he needs a pump to get urine out of his bladder. So folks, do you think I want to take that chance? No way. He said the hormone therapy worked out better for him except for the hot flashes. I don't want to go that route either. 

My mind is made up now and I'm comfortable with my decision. No further treatments for this eighty-four year old. Why would I do that? I can understand why others would choose different treatments and I respect that. They want to live for their family. I don't have family. I have Pat. We live apart. I have no children nor grandchildren. Most of my friends have already died. I have a small circle of friends that I've acquired through this blog. I have good neighbors but that's it. They live their lives and I live my life. I'll take as many years of normal living I have left but I am not going to take extra ordinary lengths to extend my life with all those deleterious possible side effects of further medical treatments. Just not worth it to me and the quality I life I want for my remaining years.

I will make my wishes known to my urologist and my primary care doctor at the VA. If I get to the point where they determine I am terminal (after all, we're all "terminal" aren't we?), set a date and I'll make arrangements on my on terms for a graceful exit from this life. 

I am totally comfortable with my decision. I've had a wonderful life and I will go out under my own control which takes a great burden off of my mind. I never had a problem with dying or death, it's all part of life. The only problem I ever had was how we get there. In our culture it's often brutal. We show more compassion to our pets at their death. Now with Delaware's Right To Die Law, if I get a prognosis of six months or less to live, I can choose the time and place of my departure from this fabulous life I have had the past eighty-four years. Then to Heaven to be reunited with Bill

and all our pets and others who I have loved during this lifetime. It's all good folks.

Decision Made On Prostate Cancer Treatment

 

Me at my previous doctor's (urologist) office in Lewes in January of 2013 when I first was informed of my prostate cancer. I now have a different doctor, this one was terrible. Zero bedside manner. "Get 'em in and out was his mantra.  When he informed me I had prostate cancer he gave me five options for treatment. The first option was "Do nothing because at your age you'll probably die of something else." I was 71 years old at that time. I didn't think I was that old but I am THAT old now. I elect for the remainder of my life to live DEPENDS free and still able to enjoy sex.

After much thought and weighing all the alternatives, I've made my decision on my prostate cancer treatment.

I am not going to get treatment.

I will follow through with the PET-SCAN that is scheduled for me this June. I will also have blood taken again ("labs") to see if my PSA score has risen. But whatever the results, I have decided at my age it is not worth the risks of the sides effects of treatment should my prostate cancer return.

Some of the side effects:

Incontinence (fro removal of my prostate

Hormone therapy side effects (hot flashes, lower sex drive)

Radiation (destroying my organs like happened to my brother who died "cancer free" but all his organs failed from treatment therapy.

I will continue living my life as I have been since 2013 when I first discovered I had prostate cancer and had seed implants to kill the cancer in my prostate.

I'm eighty-four years old now. What years I have left I want them to be like I've been living the past thirteen years. I don't want do degrade the years I have left.

I understand others would make a different choice and I don't disagree with them. I don't tell them what choice to make and please, don't anyone tell me what choice to make. This is a very personal decision. I live my own life.

If my prostate cancer returns and I receive a terminal illness date, then I'll make plans to take myself out (assisted suicide which is now legal in Delaware).

I've had a fantastic life. I've lived my life on my on terms. I don't intend to end my life dependent on others to keep me "hanging on" just because out culture has been told to stay alive at all costs, even is you're bed ridden your remaining days having zero quality of life. I've seen too many people die that way, including my Bill. He wanted to kill himself because he was in such discomfort and no hope of getting better. His last three days of life at the hospice center will haunt me all the remaining days of my life. 

I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE THIS LIFE THAT WAY.

I WILL NOT LEAVE MY LIFE THIS WAY IF I CAN HELP IT.

Now, this is all I'm going to say about this subject until I get my PET-SCAN this June.

I am very relieved that I have made my decision.

I am comfortable with my decision.

Now to resume living the best days of my life.

We all have to go sometime. The only difference with me is that I have an idea of how and when I am leaving this earthly existence. One thing I can say, it's been quite a ride!

New Year 2026

June 22, 2002 - me and three of my high school classmates from Class of 1959 at a class reunion. The man on the left contacted me because he knew he had terminal brain cancer and wanted to see his classmates one more time. He had already lost an eye. He was a former Buddhist monk. He died peacefully with is wife by his side about six months after this picture was taken. I'll always remember what he told me when he first told me his cancer was terminal. I didn't know how to respond and I said "I don't know what to say." He r responded "Oh, that's alright. I was always curious to see what was on the Other Side." I always remembered him saying that. Now I may find out myself in the not too distant future. The guy in the back also has passed on. He also died peacefully. He was going to go out one Saturday morning shopping with his son when he told his son he wasn't feeling good and he sat down in his favorite easy chair. He died a short time there after. That's the way to go. He was also my inspiration. The woman in the front, who I had a crush on in high school (I sat behind her in home room, we were seated alphabetically, her name is Timmerman and mine Tipton - that's the way they assigned students seats in the last century, is a longtime cancer survivor and is still making waves, God bless her!

 

Here we are in the new year of 2026.

Happy New Year everyone!

This new year I am faced with the question do I jump on the medical treadmill again to fight the possible return of my prostate cancer? I'm of mixed emotions about what decision to make. At my age do I even pay attention to my prostate cancer since it is the slowest growing cancer and I'll probably die of something else? Or do I begin treatments and possibly go down the road my younger brother went down a few years ago? My brother had a blood disease. He went three years of grueling treatments. He died cancer free. His cause of death was organ failure. Yes folks, "The operation was a success but the patient is dead." So this is the question I am facing this new year. I haven't made my decision yet.

My doctor wanted to remove my prostate but I said no. I'm not going to take a chance of being incontinent the rest of my life. I've known too many men who had their prostate removed and they were incontinent. No thank you, that's affecting my quality of life and I have a bad enough time of it as it is with my arthritis and mobility problems. I don't need to add a catheter and a pee bottle on my leg. 

He also wants to take a biopsy of my prostate. I may do that but not right now. I had that done before, without anesthesia, and it is no picnic. And don't anyone tell me otherwise, I know for some it was "no big thing." For me it was very painful, humiliating and bloody. I go from my own experience. My doctor told me he would put me to sleep if I decided to have another biopsy. That's the only way I will do it. My previous doctor, while maybe technically competent, had a terrible bedside manner. It was all money, get as many patients in as possible and out as quickly as possible. God forbid he should miss bringing his billings from Medicare down. As I said, an awful bedside manner. Never had more than a minute or two to talk to me. Always in a rush. That's why I changed doctors. I wasn't alone.

What my doctor and I decided to do was wait six months, take my labs again (blood test) to check my PSA score again to see if there is any change, up or down. Probably not down, if it just stays steady that would be a good sign. We've also schedule a PET-SCAN for me in June to check my body to see if the cancer has spread. When my doctor first told me about the PET-SCAN "to see if the cancer has spread", I didn't fully digest the import of that statement. But now I do. He's dealt with hundreds if not thousands of prostate cancer patients like me and he should know. I know there are two men I know who had prostate cancer treatment years ago, and that prostate cancer came back and they died of it. Of course I could die of something else, but I suspect the prostate cancer is the medical condition that is going to take me out. God, I hope I don't go like Bill. It was a long drawn out process for Bill too, although I did turn down the treatments the doctors offered for that 90 year plus old man. One was opening his skull to ease the swelling on his brain after he had a stroke and fell and had a brain concussion. I opted out of that one for Bill and I'm glad I did. I took my chances. I did that because I asked the doctor what would be his chances of recovery if I approved that procedure. He said "Bill would probably not survive and if he did he would be a vegetable." Yes, that's what he said. Why did he even ask me then?  That was an easy decision on my part. Bill also had problems swallowing, he could only take liquids. His esophagus was shredded. The doctors suggested an operation but I turned that down too because Bill's chances or survival from that operation as a 93 year old man were minimal. I think sometimes these doctors want to experiment on old men in this vulnerable state. 

Bill wanted to die. Actually, he didn't want to die because he wanted to be with me but he was suffering so much he welcomed death. When his time came, the last three days in hospice, I watched him on his bed, mouth agape. No water, no food. Just an occasional sponge on the lips. I often wondered what was going on in his unconscious mind. I am horrified to think that may be wanted to get out of there. He did struggle to get out when they first took him in. They had to increase his dosage to keep him unconscious. I swear to God, we treat our animals better at Death's Door than we do our humans. At least now Delaware has a right to die law which went into effect today. There was a last minute court case trying to nullify the law but a judge threw it out two days ago. There's always some busybody trying to tell others how to live their lives of end them.

So now on this New Year's Day I'm looking at six months of living my normal life, or as normal as it has been for an 84 year old with mobility problems who likes to sleep a lot. Then come this June I check to see if I my prostate cancer has returned, and if it has, do I get treatment or not. Don't feel bad for me having this decision on my mind for the next six months, I've actually had this on my mind for the last thirteen years ever since I was given a prostate cancer diagnosis. I always knew it would return one day, I'm just fortunate it took thirteen years. I still have my mental facilities, can move around and live independently. I can still see (Bill was blind) and I can swallow food. All plusses. I'm a lot better off than many my age and of course, I'm still alive after many of my contemporaries have long since left the scene.

One thing I know now after contemplating my mortality. If and when I die I can't take anything with me which at times saddens me but now I'm coming to realization that "things" aren't important in life. Yes, "things" comfort one in life but what is really important is love. The love you give and the love you receive. I think those are lyrics to a Beatles song. Whatever. I know now that's why I met Pat because for many years, when I first became aware that I wasn't immortal, I didn't want to die alone. I assumed Bill would die before me. I actually preferred that because I couldn't bear to leave him alone in this world. Bill wanted us to die together but that probably wasn't going to happen unless we were in an automobile accident and we which (gallows humor) often joked about "It would hurt too much."

I think my life is going according to plan. I met Pat thirteen years ago, just about the same time I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. In fact he thought he lost me just after he met me. One of the first things I told Pat was "You're the one is going to hold my hand when I pass on." He thought I was being overly dramatic (which I tend to be) but I was serious. Now that Pat and I are married, should that time come, there will be no complications that my husband will be with me when I make that Final Journey. A Journey that all of us has awaiting for us sometime in the future.

What a New Year's post huh? Just posting about my life folks, as I've always done since I began this blog twenty years ago. My little post script for history should someone one hundred or five hundred years ago find and wonder what life was like for schlubs like me way back in "ancient times."

My belief is that we're just here on earth to learn a love. It is as simple as that. We're not here like it's some test to pass before a vengeful God an we're judged at our death if we're good enough to get into Heaven. No, that's not why we're here on earth. This is just a school live we went to school first grades through twelve. We're here to learn. After we die we get a review of our life, not judgement but just a review to see what we did good and what we could do better. I believe this. By the way, Bill was back again last night via that burned out Christmas light. He was blinking away wishing me a happy new year.

I'm pretty sure when I go, which will happen one day, no one can dispute that, I will be reunited with him and I will be reunited with our pets and my family including my brother, Mother and father. I'm also looking forward to reuniting with old friends who made the crossover many years before now. 

Remember folks, life is all about learning and loving.

Now, on this first day in the year 2026 I begin this new chapter of my life. And what a life I have had and continue to have!

Medical Update

 

Delaware's right to die law takes effect January 1st, 2016.

Just got back from my annual checkup with my urologist. 

My PSA score has shoot up from 1.1 last year to 1.84 this year. That's the largest jump since I had prostate cancer surgery (seed implants) back in 2013.

It looks like my prostate cancer has returned.

We're going to do some more tests though. 

In six month's we will check my PSA score again. Also, we scheduling a PET-SCAN in June to see if the cancer has spread to other parts of my body.

I may need to get another biopsy procedure which I hate. At least this time I'll be put to sleep. Last time I was wide awake without any sedatives, not even a twilight one. It was hell. I never want to go through that procedure again without some kind of anesthesia.

How am I feeling now? A little bit shook up, of course. But I was expecting something like this eventually. I've had a good run since 2013 when I had the radioactive seed implants.

I hate getting on the medical treadmill again but my urologist said "we have several things up our sleeve to prolong your stay." One is hormone therapy. Yes, I want that one. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

As I've said many times before, I just hope I die in my sleep. I don't want to go through long, painful and uncomfortable procedures just to prolong my life by a few months or a year. 

Also, as I've mentioned before, Bill is in constant contact with me. He did give me the message "We'll be together soon." 

Visit To My Urologist

My Urologist's Office

This past Friday I had my semi-annual visit to my urologist. I have these twice a year visits to get a head start should any of my developing kidney stones decided to drop and cause me to make an excruciating visit to the emergency room again. The good news is that I have two small kidney stones that are behaving themselves.  They're there but behaving themselves, for now anyway.

The potential bad news is that my prostate cancer may be trying to make a comeback.

My PSA score is steadily inching upwards every time I get my labs.  Even though it is still well under the 0 to 3.9 range considered normal, it is now .23 up from .17 six months ago.  After I had my seed implant radiation treatment for prostate cancer in 2013 (my PSA was 8.4 then) my PSA score always hovered around .12.

I asked my urologist what should I do.  He said we'll just monitor it for now but maybe in the future I might get another biopsy of my prostate. Oh no, I don't want to go through that worse than water boarding torture again to get twelve pieces of specimens from my walnut sized prostate gland. He said eventual removal of the prostate is also a consideration. I don't know if I want to do that either considering the side effects of which I won't go into now but they are not pleasant.

I called my friend Rich tonight and asked him what he did.  He had his prostate removed thirteen years ago but his PSA came back. He said he underwent radiation treatment and now his PSA score is down.  He said his doctor said "that cancer is looking for a place to land."  So there is my friend who had his prostate removed and his PSA still came back.  

You know what folks? I'm just going to monitor this.  Not happy about it but I know something will eventually get me in the end. No one gets out of this life alive but I hope is that I would ease out of it with minimal pain and dependence on others. I have my backup plan.  But for now I'm looking forward to week after next when I land in Philadelphia and spend a Christmas week with my good friends Pat and Don. And believe me folks, I cherish every moment.

Extreme dieting

Happy Autumn!

Halloween is over. Now we begin the long slide into "The Holidays".  Next up Thanksgiving then Christmas.  "The Holidays seem to come around very fast doesn't it?

This morning I received the results of my labs that I took last week at the VA Outpatient Clinic. Everything is within the range. Of some concern is my PSA score, it's doubled. Still below the range but doubled. My VA doctor suggested that I discuss this with my urologist who I see next week.  It's been five years since my seed implant for prostate cancer.  I still have my prostate (I need it) but I'm not going to do anything drastic. I would like to say I'm not concerned but I am, a bit. Hopefully I can put some distance between this discouraging news and other events, like the election next week.  Oh man, I hope I live long enough to see Trump removed from office.

The falls colors finally put in an appearance this morning. Nice!

Medical Update

Me waiting for my doctor at the VA Outpatient Clinic this morning

Just returned from my six month checkup at theVA Outpatient Clinic.  

I have "labs" taken every six months.  "Labs" are a blood test.  This is how my prostate cancer was discovered three years ago.  Just think, if I wasn't on a six month regimen of labs, I wouldn't have known of my growing prostate cancer until it was too late. Thank God for the VA.  

Three years ago I had radio active seed implants in my prostate gland to eliminate that growing cancer. Other than some continuing and annoying side effects (don't ask, you don't want to know), my prostate cancer has not returned.

Thus every six months I approach these consultations with my doctor reviewing the results of my blood tests.  This morning was no exception. 

Good news folks!  My PSA score has not gone up! I'm cancer free.  

Cancer survivor here.

More Thoughts on My Prostate Cancer

Folks, I cannot tell you how relieved I am that my prostate cancer is in remission.  I am SO RELIEVED.  

As one commenter said "On to your next adventure."  And you can believe folks, I am planning many more adventures in my life.

My doctor told me yesterday that if I had prostate cancer in my 40's or 50's, that is usually a death sentence.  The cancer is much more aggressive.  

My prostate cancer was detected three years ago.  I took almost a year before I decided to have a biopsy.  I feared the side effects.  

The biopsy was awful.  Painful, humiliating and . . . . did I say PAINFUL.  Oh yes, I heard of others who said "Oh it was no big thing."  Well folks, try having a staple gun up your anus taken TWELVE samples of flesh from your walnut sized prostate.  And no, I didn't have any sedative.  Apparently I should have but . . . . apparently my urologist doesn't believe in painkillers.  

So I was set up like a woman having a baby (legs spread, naked, door open with his assistant walking in and out questioning him about other patients.  

Not to dwell on the biopsy but I felt that the "procedure" was worse than water boarding.  If our previous government, which practiced torture, wanted to get the terrorists to talk, take prostate biopsies from them.  After the procedure, the blood running out my behind on the table looked like a murder scene.  

Not to dwell on any more gory and uncomfortable details, the biopsy revealed that I did have prostate cancer (six of twelve sample were cancerous).  After much deliberation and consultation with others who had prostate cancer, I decided to have seed implants.  I did not want my prostate removed because I did not want to give up my sex life (no details, you can figure it out but suffice it to say, once the prostate is removed your erection/sexual gratification days are over.  

Well meaning commenters on my blog advised me to have my prostate removed because then I would "pee like a teenager."  Well, THAT was attractive because over the years I have had problems peeing.  Well guess what, I now pee like a teenager and without having my prostate removed.  My doctor explained that when the prostate is cancerous the prostate is inflamed thus restricting the flow of urine through the urethra.  

And then there is the incontinence problem.  I met a man who had his prostate removed.  He was wearing Depends and he will wear them the rest of his life.  I could tell he was wearing Depends. But he said "I don't have prostate cancer."  

I had seed implants.  I don't have incontinence.  However, my doctors told me that urinary incontinence is common with seed implants too.  I guess I was lucky because my oncologist specializes in preventing urinary incontinence. 

Well, I'm going on too long rehashing old history but let me sum up this way.  I got a reprieve yesterday from a death sentence.  The reason I say "reprieve" is because I had decided not to seek further treatment if my prostate cancer resumed.  And it wasn't just about sexual pleasure.  It was about quality of life.  

I know people who have sought further treatment (there choice and I do not pass judgement) and have side effects that I did not want to spend the rest of my life living with.  Hormone treatments that basically turn you into a woman (breast enlargement, hot flashes).  No thank you folks, I have lived a long and good life and I was not planning on going out that way.  

So yesterday I got a reprieve.  Sure, I'll probably die WITH prostate cancer, not FROM prostate cancer.  As my doctor told me yesterday, most men do die WITH prostate cancer. Oh sure, I'll die of something.  Maybe I'll die in my sleep.  Maybe I'll die of some other horrible, lingering, humiliating disease (not if I can help it) or maybe I'll die in an accident.  My accident this year, which I could have easily died (falling in that 5 degree cold alley late at night and not being able to get up) made me realize how fragile and fleeting life can be.  But I didn't and I'm still here.

My doctor told me yesterday "You have another thirty to forty good years Ron!"  Indeed.  Can you see me as a centenarian?  Hey, I may still retain some of my fabulous youthful good looks (I like to think so anyway) but by the time I reach 100 years, I don't think so.  But I would like to try. 

The only problem with being that old is the problem I'm running into now.  So many of my friends have died.  Thank goodness I have this blog and have made new friends.  

Prostate Cancer Health Update

For the past several months I've had a black cloud hovering over my head.  That black cloud was the reoccurrence of my prostate cancer.

In 2013 I was diagnosed with prostate cancer.  After much deliberation and checking with others that I knew had and have prostate cancer, the treatment I decided to take was seed implants.  

I was told by my urologist that my PSA score would drop down to zero.  A year earlier my PSA score was 8.4.  The range should be from 1-4.  

After my seed implants my PSA score did drop to 1.1 but then six months later it went up to 1.2.  Not much but still, it went up which concerned me.  

Of course I had all kinds of dreaded scenarios in my mind.  

"What if my prostate cancer returned?"  

"What treatment should I get, if any?"

I decided that if my prostate cancer returned I would not seek treatment at my age.  The side effects are just too horrific.  Of course dying of prostate cancer is "horrific" too but hey, we're all going to die.  At least I would know what I'm dying of and could have some control, albeit with an End Game Finish.

Well folks, I have to tell you that I approached my visit to my VA doctor this morning with more than a little trepidation.  Today I would be getting the results of my labs (blood test) that I took last week. 

Ironically, I slept well last night even though I haven't been sleeping well for the past week since I took my labs.  

When I arrived at the VA Outpatient Clinic in Georgetown, I was a pretty morose veteran.  

Of course when I checked in they didn't have my records . . . . again (like last week when I went in for my labs.  Oh, the VA).   

The woman who works there told me not to worry and they would see me.

I took a seat.  About fifteen minutes later I was called in.  Another woman took my blood pressure (64, normal) and weighed me (174 lbs - my cargo pants with iPhone in pocket must weight a ton).  

Then I was told to "have a seat" to wait for my doctor.  I was seated in front of the VA employees who were taking blood from other veterans. I didn't take a picture of that activity.  

I took out my iPhone to play some online Scrabble.  "Network error".  Couldn't play.

I brought up my photos to delete some to make more room on my iPhone for whoever will inherit my iPhone.  

After about five minutes my doctor opens his door and invites me in.  He is in good cheer.  That's a good sign.  

He motions me to sit.  We start chatting (as we usually do) about the state of medical care in the VA and general.  I have a good rapport with my doctor.  That's why I continue to see him instead of a private doctor.  He has time to talk to me and (I think) likes me.  I'm more than a cog in the wheel of making money for the medical profession.  

After about ten minutes of chatting I ask him about my PSA score, of which I am very concerned. 

Here was his answer:

Prostate Update

Medical update here.  My latest PSA score inched up a bit from 1.1 to 1.2.  Not a lot by most measures but the fact is that it DID go UP.  It is supposed to be going down.  Of course this could be just a blip or it could be an indication that my seed implants of May 2013 are no longer working.  What is continuing to work is the side effects which I won't go into here.

Hopefully the results of my next blood test will be more positive.  However, if they are not, I have decided not to go on the Medical Treadmill of additional procedures like Lupron injections which basically turn you into a woman with side effects like hot flashes and breast growth and diminished sex drive.  Sounds like fun doesn't it?

I've also decided not to look at the website "Inspire" which is a public forum of other men with prostate cancer.  It's just way too depressing to read of some of their severe conditions, side effects and searches for new procedures to "save" them.  

Having just turned 73 years of age, I know I've had a good run.  Hopefully I'll have many more years of a healthy, active life.  But if that is not in my future, I have made my decision.  One thing I am sure of, I will not spend my remaining days hooked up to IV's, downing pain killers and battling nasty side effects to gain a little more time on this earth.  When my quality of my life is gone, I'm gone.  Yes, I said it.  And I'm glad I did. I have a plan. I've always had a Life Plan during my life and I am not making an exception at the end of my life. 

In the meantime, I plan to do a lot of living. Next on the agenda is Los Angeles, California.  I'll be flying out January 7th from Philadelphia and meeting Pat who is flying out from Toronto, Canada.  We'll be staying at the Historic Hollywood Hotel near the Universal Studios.  Might take a day trip to Palm Springs to see what all the fuss is about.  We'll return to our respective cities January 17th.  

Los Angeles at night - we'll be two more lights

It's all good folks!  All gravy time now.

Prostate Update

Me at my home away from home this morning

Well folks, just got back from my six month update visit to my oncologist.  It's been a little over a year since I had my seed implant surgery (May 2nd) for my prostate cancer.

The good news is, I am progressing well.  So well, that I won't have to visit my oncologist anymore.  He's turning me over to my urologist, who I will visit every six months for the rest of my life.  Hey, a small price to pay for the knowledge that (so far) the seed implants have been successful.

Bill works on a puzzle while I go through my paces this morning at the cancer center

My PSA reading is down from 4.8 to 1.2.  My oncologist said he would like to see it below 1 but he'll accept 1.2.  Hopefully the reading will be lower after my next blood test.  I'm just thankful it's not going up or staying the same.  

"Ship ahoy matey!"

So it's free sailing folks for me for the foreseeable future. I told him that I'm going to be one of his success stories, surviving at least twenty years past my original diagnosis of PC.  He said that would make me 91 years old and "that would be a good run."  Are you kidding folks?  I'm 72 years old now and I've had a damn good run already.  It's all gravy from here on folks.

Good to go for another 20 years

This and That

Ron's life

Hi folks.  Been pretty busy around here the past few weeks getting the backyard in shape for the summer.  This spring so far has been fabulous.  Just wonderful weather.  And I'm enjoying every day.

Nothing earth shattering to write about other than we're still plugging along here at Casa Tipton-Kelly.  

(Not) Casa Tipton-Kelly

I'm on the outs with Bill again but that's normal.  He always thinks I don't pay enough attention to him.  Maybe I don't.  I've always been basically a loner all my life and I guess I'm not going to change.  I told him that when I moved in with him almost fifty years ago.  We're still adjusting to that fact.  I hope he doesn't read this because he hates for me to write about our personal problems but hey, that's my life now.  There's a LOT that I can't write about in this blog but I can and will write about the home situation.  Not the best now but, hopefully, it will get better.

I think I'm back on track to working two nights a week at the hotel.  Even those two night have been pretty busy but this is The Season.  I would rather be busy at the hotel than the boredom of passing eight hours at the hotel with only one or two guests in the hotel.  

Looks like I'm going to get back on the Medical Train again.  I had two warts pop up on my left cheek.  Last year I had one pop up on my forehead which I promptly got rid of.  I'm getting rid of these warts too.  No witch am I.  

I've already made an appointment with my dermatologist so he can "suck" them off (hey, that's what he calls the machine that "sucks" them off).

Loner on a train

I just finished reading the latest blog posting of "Scott."  I "met" Scott when he commented on my Inspire posting about what I went through with my prostate biopsy.  He was hesitant to get his biopsy because of the pain, discomfort and humiliation.  He finally got it and sad to say, he has prostate cancer and it has spread.  He decided to start a blog (at my suggestion) about his progression.  I feel so bad for him.  He's only a young guy (50) and he has to face this.  Again, this is just another one of those situations where I realize how lucky I am.  Here I am, a 72 year old geezer and I'm worried about the side affects of my localized prostate cancer (sometimes small - a white mucous like substance -involuntary anal discharges, not a full erection, no sperm, and fatigue).  I read of Scott's medical condition and what he is going through and I thank God and I'm not even religious. Here is Scott's blog for those of you who are interested in reading it. Click here.

These days the most exciting thing in my life is laying mulch.  I do love working out in my backyard.  I do love having good health (relatively so for a prostate cancer dealing old geezer of 72 who is a loner).  

That wheelbarrow is waiting for me.  Talk to you later!

Come join me in my garden