Sunday, August 28, 2016

Dreams

Me and Horace going for a ride - he loved to go for rides with me - 1998
Most dreams I forget.  However, this morning I didn't forget this dream.

I dreamt I was in a hospital.  Not as a patient but in the midst of walking the busy corridors of the hospital, with staff rushing to and fro. 

I don't know what I was doing in the hospital. I wasn't a patient.  I wasn't visiting anyone. But I was in the midst of all that cacophony. 

Then around the corner of that busy hospital corridor I see my late Pomeranian dog Horace. Then I see two other orange Pomeranians following him.  They looked lost.  Horace when right by my.  I shouted "Hey Horace!"  He turned around and ran to me and jumped into my arms. 

I recognized one of the other orange Poms as his daughter.  However, I didn't recognize the third Pom.  We had three Poms but the third one was a blonde. 

Horace was the only dog I had that chose me.  I purchased him from a pet shop in 1982.  He died in 1998, at age 16 years.  I have never gotten over this death.  I haven't got a pet dog since because both Bill and I don't want to go through that pain again.  



The only time I really cried in my life over the death of a living thing was when Horace died. 

I had him put to sleep after he had a stroke and was totally limp.  I didn't cry when I was holding him as the vet injected him with a fatal solution.

However, the next day, while at work I got to thinking of what my life would be like without Horace and I started to cry.  A heart wrenching cry like I never had before.  I was so embarrassed that I went into the bathroom and cried.  I didn't want my co-workers to see me crying. 

I felt desperate.  I could get another dog but I could never get another "Horace."  That dog loved me and I loved him.  

I felt ashamed to feel this way about a dog.  I have never felt this way about any human being. I have felt sad when those close to me have died.  From my parents and friends and former co-workers but never the total sadness and feeling of loss that I felt when I realized that Horace would no longer be in my life.  

After about ten minutes I was able to pull myself together and get back to work.  However, I still felt this tremendous sense of loss that I would never be able to recover. Then, the more I thought about how to get through this pain, I came upon a solution.  I convinced myself that when I die, my pain would end.  If there is an afterlife, then I would be with my Horace again.  If there is no afterlife, then I would know nothing, including the pain of his loss.  Either way I felt some comfort knowing that eventually the pain of the loss and loneliness that I now felt would end.

However, every now and then I have these dreams.  It's almost like Horace is telling me that he is waiting for me. 



11 comments:

  1. I know what you mean, dogs are special, I often think they are behave like clowns and spend their lives just to amuse us. That is why we love them so much.

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    1. Larry,
      I love dogs. They truly do offer unqualified love.
      Ron

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  2. Ron - a very poignant blog posting. I think all of us know what it's like to feel devastated at the loss of "someone" we love. And when out thoughts go to those moments in memories where we felt such joy and togetherness it sometimes becomes overwhelming and crying I think is the best expression of gratitude for that person for having been in our lives.

    Pat

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    1. Pat,
      I never loved any living thing as much as I loved our dogs, especially Horace. We had an unbelievably close relationship.
      Ron

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  3. I can well appreciate how your losing the faithful friend of Horace must have ripped the very heart out of you. It undoubtedly will have left a permanent scar
    It's over 50 years since I last experienced the losing of a well-loved pet, and as my dear little Blackso advances beyond the age of 17, I don't know how I'm going to cope when it happens, however it happens. I've talked about this before but I just cannot bear to hear from anyone the reaction "But it's ONLY a dog/cat". They haven't any idea of the callousness contained in that remark - but they should have.

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    1. Ray,
      You understand the loss. "Ripped the very heart" is an excellent description.
      Ron

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  4. Hi Ron, Poms are such fun dogs, my aunt and uncle had several thru the years. They haven't had a dog for many years. I guess after the last one my aunt said enough, she could go thru the heartbreak of losing another Pom. As a kid I remember one she had was especially yappy. They all where named Sparky.

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    1. Hey Randy!
      Our first Pom (we've had five) was named . . . . you guessed it . . . . SPARKY! His real name was "Rupert" but "Sparky" fit him perfectly.
      Ron

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  5. Anonymous9:48 AM

    Dogs are a source of unconditional love. They are overjoyed every time you walk through the door and they can never disappoint. I have always had dogs and yes they do pass away, but I always feel that it is my job to spoil them and make them happy as possible for the short amount of time they are in my life. I miss all my babies who have passed away and after a period of mourning I return to the humane society to give another dog the best home I can provide. I cannot imagine my life without dogs.

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    1. Anonymous,
      You are so right, dogs are a source of unconditional love. There was never a time that Horace wasn't happy to see me. Would that we would see such unconditional love from our human counterparts.
      Ron

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  6. Ron by you walking around he's letting you know he has things under control and their not ready for you yet. ��

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