 |
| My brothers 1954 |
Dr. Spo, one of my favorite bloggers recently wrote a very thoughtful post on the estrangement of a relative. This prompted me to think and now write about my own personal estrangement of relatives.
I've been thinking about this subject for sometime. I've been reluctant to post about it for a few reasons. The main one being that it is just too painful. Another reason is why add to this sadness. I know some of my relatives read this blog. They either read it or someone they know does and they report back to them lest I write anything that concerns them. I also haven't written because I do respect their privacy. But that time has ended.
 |
| Me (my hand on my father's shoulder) and my two younger brothers - 1946 |
I have two younger brothers. Both of them know and have known for years that I'm gay. They know Bill and I have been together for lo these many years (54 now). We have all gotten along well over the years. However, with one brother I've always had the problem with his far right wing nut rants at me. He literally has screamed at me "Clinton is a rapist!" and thrown me off his property because I voted for Clinton. In later years, since I moved from Pennsylvania where he was my neighbor, I had to endure his anti-Obama rants.
 |
| Me (center) with my brothers 1953 |
My other brother is more reasonable, ironically so because he is a evangelical pastor at a Southern Baptist church in South Carolina. He never ranted at me but it was understood that when I visited I had to be very circumspect in my gayness. A "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" attitude. I respected him and his family and his life and consented to being discounted.
 |
| Me (center with my niece and her daughter) and my brothers - 1980 |
I haven't spoken to my brothers in five years now. The estrangement began when Bill and I got officially married. You see, it was all right in the past when Bill was just my "friend." But once we got married, that was another whole story. Our marriage received national attention. Apparently that coverage got back to my pastor brother's congregation. Embarrassment ensued. This I can only assume. What I do know is that all contact was cut off.
I attempted to two years ago when I tore my quadricep leg muscle. The response I received was a get well card from my sister-in-law's dog. That's right, their dog. That showed me the level of respect I got for my outreach. I decided then and there that I wasn't worthy of respect in their eyes. Their religion and congregation was more important. I was discounted as a human being. I guess I was always discounted in their eyes, I just choose to look away.
 |
| Me (left) and my brothers - about 1986 |
My other brother, the far right wing nut brother, I cut off. He would call me on the phone occasionally. Almost always the phone calls from him were accusatory rants at me because of my liberal views. And God forbid I would say anything about my gay life, because I would invariable be met with a statement like "Why do you always have to say something gay?" Yes, I would have to do the old "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" charade with him too. I'm tired of it folks. I stopped taking his phone calls. About two weeks after that he unfriended me from Facebook. Fine. I know he's also bad mouthed me to his daughters and son because they have no Facebook contact with me either. Radio silence.
My two brothers will always be my brothers, as long as we're alive. I don't hate my brothers. I care for them. But I will no longer be discounted as a human being. I will no longer accept rants because of my political views. I will live my life without them or their families.
When I met Bill fifty-four years ago, he had just became estranged from him family. They found out he was gay and confronted him at his Mother's funeral about his gayness. His sister said "We KNOW all about you!" When Bill left his mother's home in Toccoa, Georgia he never had saw any member of his family again. Over the years I urged him to make contact but he refused. I thought he was being unreasonable by not making a move. But now I understand why he decided to leave his family.
 |
| Our last (and only) professional portrait and picture together - 2005 |
I never thought I would be in the same situation but here I am, estranged from my family (brothers and their children) five years now.
I will continue to be estranged. I will not discount myself in order to be accepted by them. One for my homosexuality and the other for my political views.
Not to be too dramatic but I am at the end of my life. I don't have time for this nonsense. I certainly won't accept being discounted as a human being.
I doubt if I will ever seen them again. That saddens me but you know folks, I would be surprised if that fact saddens them.
Now I will go on with my life.
13 comments:
Sounds like a burden of nastiness that, if you'd been younger, you might have considered continuing carrying around with you - but as our wisdom (hopefully) increases with advancing age you/we get to finally know what most matters and what doesn't. Shame that it needn't have been like this - though as you are you it was your brothers who had to change, which they've chosen not to do. You've got your own life to live, not THEIRS for you to live out in a way to make THEM feel more comfortable. As I say, it's a pity but you had no other reasonable choice than to accept the distance between you and them.
Such a sadly common experience. So glad you've been able to create a family that matters. My sister died before I came out. My brother is learning disabled. My parents were both surprisingly good to me and to Jerry. But I have some extended family I will not have anything to do with. And I have no regrets or sadness over that. So sorry you've had to experience this with your own brothers!
Life's too short to carry around toxins. Shared blood doesn't necessarily mean family. (((Ron)))
This kind of behavior from people who are supposed to love and support you saddens me, too. I was heartened by this story about a transgender person who attends my church. Sometimes people in a family do change albeit ever so slowly. Hopefully this link works!
https://www.idahopress.com/news/local/not-your-classic-father-and-son-story/article_906bc2b2-2cb6-56ac-a4e6-1930950d7451.html
Sheila
I guess there is nothing new under the sun. A story: Circa 1950, when she was in college, my mother's older sisters, (by order of their husbands) told my mother to disown their younger brother because he was gay. My father said my mother looked them straight in the eye and said "I'd rather disown you, thank you just the same," and so it was done. I felt compelled to comment, because your term "discount" in relationship to your worth as a human is one I have only ever heard my father use. The abbreviated lecture: We were never to discount another's humanity, and we were to avoid those who would do so like the plague, no matter who they were. That was his advice for a happy life.
Sadly, I am suffering what I call a "passive estrangement" from my brothers. With the distance between us, jobs and all my kids, the relationship takes work, work that I grew unable to continue all by myself. It's a shame, really, because we had such fun growing up, and still, when the phone calls do occur, I find my face aching from laughing. (Usually at the expense of right wing nuts.) My mother told me, however, years ago, when I graduated from college and set out to adulthood, that if my brothers never married, this is probably the course our relationship would take after she and my father were gone. Right again, Mum, right again.
Meg B.
Thank you so much for your comment. Family relationships are so difficult at times. My family, like everyone else's family has had its share of drama. The stories I could tell (and may) of estrangements that continue to this day from my father's side of the family to my Mother's side of the family. However, I do know some families that are fairly "normal", if normal is that there is minimal drama. My boyfriend Pat gets along very well with his brother and his family. No conflict there even though both of them had a difficult childhood, their father having died when Pat was only ten years old and their mother raised them by herself. She did a good job. Thank goodness for my Mother, she kept things sane in our family to almost the end, when she started to lose it and become influenced by my one brother (the wing nut) and became difficult.
For the first twenty-one years of my life I let others discount me as a human being but I decided one day in the spring of 1963 I was no longer going to be discounted. That decision has cost me two jobs and at least half of my friends when I came out. I have absolutely no regrets, would do it all over again. Even today there are those who attempt to discount me when they find out that I am gay. I don't accept that, often to their surprise.
Thank you again Meg for your comments.
Ron
You're absolutely right Deedles. That's why I don't have contact with them any more. And now that my life is literally getting shorter, why expend energy on this?
Ron
Sheila,
I never got support from my family. At best I got "tolerance", looking the other way. I was alright as long as I was following the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", but God forbid I should embarrass a family member because of who I am. Hopefully they will change but I doubt it. At least in my lifetime. I'm sure that sometime in the future descendants of my brothers will look upon this with disbelief.
Ron
Mitchell,
I have cousins (first) who are gay but they're still in the closet. That appears to be the way to get along in our family. While I"m not a flamboyant gay, I do not hide my gayness. I do not apologize or rationalize my gayness. My Mother never really understood why I was gay, she thought she did something "wrong" in raising me. She said "What did I do wrong?". My father preferred not to address the "problem" at all. I don't think he cared. He didn't care much about me anyway. I too have out and out homophobes in my family too which I have nothing to do with. You're lucky to have family members who were supportive of you. You seem like a nice guy to me. Folks like you and Spo and Someone and Raybeard and Jon, I would love to have for neighbors and friends. However, we're friends at a distance but still friends. For which I am thankful.
Ron
Ray,
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. You hit exactly on what I've always said, I live my life the way I want to live it, not the way they want me to live it. I don't tell them how to live their life, nor should they tell me how to live my life. I'll be 77 years old this year. I don't have that many years to live. I expend what time I have left trying to please them and make their lives more comfortable. Sad but true.
Ron
Ron,
I am a great believer in forgiveness. It is not that this will change the past or change your brothers or whomever else has brought you hurt, but that is the point. You can't change them, only they can do that, but forgive them and go n living your life. Carrying these hurts around harms no one but ourselves, as we end up reliving it and allowing others to hut us over and over again. Don't let them continue to control your emotions.
Lar
Lar,
No need to forgive them. I'm not mad at them. The reason I'm not in contact with them is because I an angry with them. My one brother (his wife actually) decided not to have contact with me because (I assume) the publicity of my marriage embarrassed them in their religious community. I didn't stop contact with them, in fact I reached out a few years ago only to be rebuffed by getting a get well card from their dog. If you read my blog you would know that. You're assuming I'm the person to forgive. As to my other brother, I choose not to be on the receiving end of his right wing nonsense. He can have his views and I have mine. He wouldn't put up with me imposing my views on him. Who am I to forgive? Lar, look in the mirror. Sounds like you slipped into a "holier than thou" arrogance in assuming that I am the one to forgive. I'm here. They know where I am. I live my life. They do not approve. That's on them.
Ron
This was a painful and marvelous reading; thank you for sharing this.
Post a Comment