The Pain Never Goes Away

 

Bill's 88th birthday picture September 26, 2016

Bill died almost three years ago.

There is not one day that goes by that I don't think of him and miss him.

After fifty-nine and a half years together, almost my whole adult life (since I was twenty-two years old), it's not hard to understand.

I thought with time I would get used to not having Bill in my life. How foolish I was to think that.

I now realize that until my dying day, I will have to endure the pain and grief of not having him in my life.

The last three years of Bill's life I was his full-time caregiver. In many way, even though it was very difficult for the both of us, those were our best years together. 

The love we had for each other even grew stronger.

When Bill died that early Saturday morning, the first thing I felt was relief. 

Relief that his suffering had ended. Little did I realize my suffering was just beginning. 

Initially I was in shock even though I had expected that call from Delaware Hospice which Bill had entered the previous Wednesday evening.

Then I had a feeling which I didn't expect at all. I felt like I had lost control over caring for Bill. 

Who would care for him now?

The last forty years of our lives together, since he retired early at fifty-five years of age, I had taken care of running our household. I saw that the bills were paid. I was the interface with the outside world that Bill didn't like to deal with. I ran interference for him. Now I could no longer do that. 

Bill always depended on me. Now who would take care of him? Of course the answer is God. Or that Supreme Being in the Afterlife that we will all eventually get to meet. 

I still had mixed feelings about losing control over caring for Bill. After all I had dealt with the Veterans Administration all these years and if I could get through THAT, I could do just about anything (smile). 

So here we go folks. Ron bemoaning the fact that I still miss Bill. I try to tell myself that I'm not the only one in this situation but that doesn't help. The hurt of not having Bill in my life will stay with me for all the rest of my days on this earth. This is a fact that I just have to accept. In the meantime, I count down the days until Bill and I reunite again in Heaven.

And by the way, this doesn't mean I don't love Pat. I do but it is a different kind of love. Not the kind Bill and I had. I will always remember what Bill said to me about a week and a half before he died. He called me aside and said "Something different has happened." I think he meant he knew he was going to die soon. Then he said something that just melted me. He said "When I die, I want you and Pat to be very happy." That was Bill, always thinking of me. 

Few people had the kind of love that Bill and I had for almost sixty years. For that I am so grateful. 

There, now I feel better that I spilled out my feelings again. Back to normal tomorrow but I will always continue to miss Bill. Until the day I die. Then, if there is a Heaven, our spirits will be reunited forever.

That is the way it is meant to be, will me and Bill.