Memories of Bill - 2015

Apple has a nice feature on my iMac. It's called Memory. It randomly selects photos and videos I've taken and chooses a theme and presents these compilations to me occasionally. A few days ago they presented to me several Memory videos of the years I was taking Bill to his various doctors' appointments and caring for him. The years range from 2015 to 2019 with the exception of the year 2017 which I wasn't able to transfer over other my You Tube account. Occasionally I will be posting these Memory compilation videos to this blog in memory of Bill. 

I don't think there is a day that has gone by since Bill died early Saturday morning February 22, 2024 that I haven't thought of him and missed him terribly. The initial shock of grief has lessened somewhat overtime but I know now this grief over not having Bill in your life will never leave me as long as I am alive on this earth in this lifetime. By posting these videos I honor and keep his memory alive.  

Ron Follows A New Blog

Glenn and Michael of California

Andrew of "From The High Rise" blog left a comment on my recent posting "Two Months" that he was referred to my blog by Cathy, a longtime blog follower of mine. She said Andrew recently lost his longtime partner suddenly and suggested to him to contact me by my blog. I am glad she did. 

I left a comment on Andrew's blog suggesting that talking has been my best medicine for dealing with the devastating loss of my Bill. Perhaps he would like to join me and my friend Glenn M. of Palm Springs California in one of my future Zoom calls. 

Glenn lost his longtime partner Mike three years ago. 

Mike was an avid follower of my blog. I had never talked to Glenn before. How I came to know Glenn, who never read my blog and still doesn't (he's not a blog follower), was by a note that he sent to me that I received January 14th, 2021 informing me that his Michael had died. Ironically January 14th, 2021 was the very night that my Bill was transported by Medic vac helicopter to Thomas Jefferson University Hospital in Philadelphia after suffering a concussion from a fall caused by a stroke. I thought for sure I would never see Bill alive again that cold winter evening of January 14th, 2021 in the midst of the COVID shutdown. 

As I sat down in front of my computer, at a total loss as what to do and trying to avoid going crazy thinking I would never see Bill alive again, I saw this envelope with handwriting that I didn't recognize. To get my mind off of my situation I opened the envelope to find a short note telling me that his partner Michael Wilson had died the previous month. Glenn wrote that he knew "of" me because his Michael always looked forward to my blog postings and he wanted to let me know that his Michael had passed away. Glenn's note also solved a mystery for me because the past few years I had not heard from his Michael via his comments on my blog. Glenn told me that Michael was very ill and Glenn was his full-time caregiver. Michael fell and was taken to the hospital where he died from the results of his fall. That's what happened to Bill, he fell and struck his head on the corner of a piece of furniture that sent him to the hospital. Bill almost died that evening in the ICU unit of Thomas Jefferson Hospital in Philadelphia. Earlier that evening I had received a call from one of the doctors seeking permission to open Bill's skull to relieve pressure on Bill's brain because it was so swollen. I of course refused to give him permission because at Bill's age (92 at that time), Bill's chances of survival would be little to none and if he did survive opening his skull he would likely spend the rest of his life in a vegetative state and I just could not let that happen to Bill. 

When I read Glenn's note I just had to talk to somebody because I felt like I was going crazy. Usually in stressful situations I'm pretty good but this one, knowing that I would probably lose Bill that night and never see him again was putting me in a near meltdown panic. I looked up Glenn's phone number and called him. I asked him if he could do a FaceTime or Zoom call and he said he could. I called him on Zoom and thus began a friendship that we have to this day. I call Glenn several times a week and we continue to talk about dealing with the grief of losing our loved ones that we planned to spend the rest of our lives with. Let me tell you, talking to Glenn has so helped me deal with the loss of Bill and Glenn talking to me has helped him deal with the loss of his Michael. When Glenn's Michael was taken to the hospital after his fall, Glenn never did see him alive again because of the COVID restrictions at that time. Glenn only saw Michael after he died and then the hospital let him in to sit with Michael's dead body for about a half an hour. I was much more fortunate in that after a week's stay at Thomas Jefferson and another two week stay at a rehab facility in Dover, I was able to bring Bill home. That's what Bill begged me every time I talked to him at both the hospital and rehab unit "Ronnie, pleas take me home".  I promised him I would as soon as he got better and I did. For the next three years I was Bill's full-time caregiver until he died this past February 22, 2024 at the Delaware Hospice.  Bill was only at the hospice center for the last three days of his life. The last two and a half weeks of Bill's life he rapidly went downhill until I couldn't get him off the floor after he kept slipping out of his chair and his brain was short circuiting. 

Since losing Bill my cousin Bud died. He was the same age as me. His sister was his full-time caregiver. I added her to my support group. In fact I have to call her later today to see how she's doing. 

Just last week my former co-worker and longtime friend Renee lost her husband of seventeen years. Yes, I have added Renee to my support group. 

My "support group" isn't formal, just friends we talk to when our grief journey gets a little too rough. We have all agreed we will never be the same after our respective losses, but by talking either on the phone (my cousin and Renee prefer the phone) of on Zoom, our grief is a little more bearable knowing we're not alone. 

This morning I left a comment on Andrew's blog telling him if he wanted to talk on Zoom, I'm available. Talking helps. Just ask Glenn. Which I will later today when I call Glenn again and ask him if he would like to join a prospective Zoom call with Andrew. I don't know what life holds for all of us in the future but I do know that talking helps.

We're not alone. There are angels among us.

Second Week Without Bill

July 1979 - me and Bill on the rooftop of our Philadelphia center city townhouse. That townhouse is worth almost a million dollars now. We couldn't afford to live there today. The eleven years we lived there (1969 to 1980) was perfect. Just another chapter of our magical life together. 

 Starting my second week of the rest of my life without Bill. 

I'm still grieving but I see glimmers of light through the darkness. 

Today I finally cleaned off the shelf in our garage that I've been putting off so long. Each day I try to do a little more cleanup to bring my life back to where it was before Bill's strokes back in January of 2021. 

Yesterday was rainy and gloomy. I like all kinds of weather but yesterday was hard,  rain and darkness doesn't help the grieving process. 

Today was sunny and mild, with temperature approaching sixty degrees. My neighbor (our backyards adjoin) daughter and her husband were visiting. They came over to visit me. They are so nice. My pond is now a point of interest in my back yard. They were looking for my goldfish. I haven't seen my goldfish all week. They winter over. I suspect a local heron made a patient visit and ate all my goldfish. I hope not but that's probably why they weren't eating the algae around the edges of the pond lining, which they usually come up to do on a mild day like today. 

Tomorrow I take Bill's death certificates and close out his checking account at our local bank. I also have to call E*Trade to take him off our joint account. After those two transactions there isn't too much else to do to officially end Bill's stay on this earth during the last ninety-five years.

My afternoon nap was unusually long, three and a half hours. Apparently I'm still recovering from my exhaustion of the past few weeks during Bill's rapid decline in health. 

The photos at the beginning of this blog I have posted before but I wanted to post again to remind myself of what a wonderful life Bill provided me. We had an exceptional life together for which I will be ever grateful to the loving and generous soul that was Bill Kelly. Not many people were as lucky as I was to have met such a man. 

Thank you for a wonderful life Bill.