Bill's Healthcare Update

 Bill continues to have his swallowing problems. 

It takes him a good forty-five minutes to an hour to eat his pureed oatmeal in the morning and in the evening. I didn't even feed him is oatmeal this evening. I can't take the sounds of him choking and gagging for that length of time. I usually go outside while he's eating but the weather is getting to cold for that escape.

Coincidentally I received a call from the VA this morning scheduling a first time visit from the VA Home Health Care system. This is a first for us. The last time we were at the VA, I was informed that Bill qualified (because of his age and psychical condition, for the VA Home Health Care program.  Bill would no longer have to travel to the local VA Outpatient Clinic in Georgetown (twelve miles away) to visit his doctor.

I was informed that this first time visit will take a couple of hours. Visiting will be a VA doctor and a nurse. This visit is to setup Bill.  I have to have all his medications ready. They will give him a comprehensive physical. At this time I will ask them what I can do about feeding Bill. I'm even ready to take on the feeding tube in the stomach option now, seeing how Bill is struggling with swallowing liquids.

Another increasing problem we have is Bill's mental condition at the end of day. He has the classic "Sundowner's Syndrome." He's so confused at the end of the day which for him starts about five PM. It's especially hard on me because Bill can't process what I'm saying to him. He still knows who I am and where he is but that's about it. The rest of what's going on around him confuses him. Even taking his pills and going downstairs to his bedroom. 

Again and again I'll say it. I am so thankful that I can take care of Bill here at his home where he is comfortable. Eventually he will pass on and I hope when that time comes it is peaceful for him here at his home. I just can't bear to think of him in a "facility" or a hospital. The last few years he's been in the hospital too many times already. Even though they took excellent care of him at those hospitals and rehab facilities there truly is no place like home. 

Today was a beautiful fall day. While I was taking advantage of this glorious day around noon time, I saw where Bill came out for a walk. I've posted that video at the beginning of this blog post. This is what it is all about now folks. Enjoying and treasuring whatever time we have left together. 

Good News and a Brief Autobiography

 

Bill's healed leg wound

Bill's open leg wound has healed!

Praise be God! 

I'm not a religious person (nor will I ever be) but I feel it appropriate to use the PBG epitaph at this time of good news.

This is the longest for one of his open leg wounds to heal, almost two months. 

The swelling of his right leg, where his blood clots reside, has almost shrunk to normal. Notice how there is space between his toes? There was a time when his legs and feet were so swollen there was no space between his toes. I could hardly fit his size 12 Crocs on his feet.

Bill is still on home hospice palliative care. The hospice service reevaluates him every sixty days. He was just extended for another sixty days.

Bill is weaker but stabilized again. Of course I think much of his condition has to do with the customized care he is receiving here at his home, where he is most comfortable. We are so fortunate that Bill can live out his final days here with me and our home in which we are so comfortable. 

In other news, almost all of my daffodils are in bloom. The change of seasons is what I love about living in southern Delaware. As much as I love Palm Springs, if I moved to Palm Springs permanently, I would sorely miss the change of seasons. And of course as I have often said in my blog posts I would miss the comfort of our home here in southern coastal Delaware. I could never replicate a home like this in Palm Springs or even the nearby cities of Palm Springs where the homes are less expensive than the Palm Springs address. Pat is intent on living in Palm Springs. Me, not so much.  Maybe part of the year in the winter from December to March but the rest of the year? I have low taxes here in Delaware, a big comfortable customize house, nice quiet neighborhood of very nice neighbors. In fact this is the best neighborhood we've ever lived in our whole lives.

Lately I've been having flashbacks of my Previous Life and all the pleasant memories. Both Bill and I have been very fortunate in that we have lead interesting lives. When I was younger I thought the only people who lead interesting lives were the rich and famous. Now in the wisdom of my old age I have discovered that money and being famous isn't a recipe for happiness. You make your own happiness, rich or poor. Famous or not famous, just one granule of sand of the beach of life. That's me and what a life I have had.

I've always meant to write my autobiography. I've started several times but just became too overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. Also a factor was would anyone be interested? Probably not but for me, it would be interesting to write about it, my life journey. "Journey", such an overused word today.

Below is the broad outline of my life:

1941 - born first son (of three) of Ike and Betty Tipton

1944-1954 - lived in a cockroach infested second floor apartment at 120 Washington Ave., Downingtown, PA. A small manufacturing town thirty-seven miles west of Philadelphia, PA.

Me with my two brothers and other friends at our Washington Avenue home in Downingtown, PA. Rent was $22.50 a month. That building is still there in the White Trash section of town. All these years later, some things never change.

1954-1959 - moved to another second floor apartment (rent free with family) that was brand new and not cockroach infested at Book Road, Downingtown, PA. I remember asking my Mother where were all the cockroaches and she answered "Homes aren't supposed to have cockroaches. This is a new home." Seriously, I really asked that because I just assumed every home had cockroaches scurrying about when you turned on the lights.

1959-1960 - moved to our first home, an 1,100 square foot ranch house. For the first time in my life I had my own bedroom. Previously I slept in a bed with my two brothers, except at the very end when I insisted on my own bed and my parents gave me a fold up bed for Christmas. We three brothers sill slept in the same bedroom but at least I had my own "space".

1960-1963 - after a near death experience with contracting a staph infection in the hospital because I failed my fist Army physical and had to have an operation, I joined the Army (Army Security Agency) for three years.

1960 - January to March - Basic Training at Ft. Dix New Jersey. 

1960 - April to October - Army Security Agency Training at Ft. Devens, Mass.

1960-1963 - Assignment at Ft. George G. Meade, Maryland at the National Security Agency. Back in those homophobic years I barely got in. The day I was supposed to take my lie detector test, which one of the questions that if I failed to answer "correctly" ("Do you have homosexual tendencies?" - DO I EVER? Did I have brown hair? Yes! Born with both!) They never did reschedule me for another lie detector test and I served my two and half years at Ft. Meade at the National Security Agency as a gay man. Ft. Meade was where I met my first gay friends and had my first "experience." The Army had a policy that no gays could serve because they would be subject to blackmail for being gay and thus give away state secrets. First, there has never been ONE case of a gay man being blackmailed in the service and this whole policy was fucked up because the only way they could be blackmailed because it was against Army policy to be gay. But I digress. I was lucky, but others I knew were not. You only had to be accused and they Army ditched you, no matter how good  you were at your job. This was a policy put into place by Eisenhower, that hateful notorious homophobe. As I said, I was lucky and I even had my own room while I was at Ft. Meade because I was the assistant platoon sergeant. Go figure.

Me during my Ft. Meade days 1962

1963 - I would have stayed in the Army and/or NSA but when my time came I decided not to take the change of being outed and kicked out of either the Army or NSA just for the plain fact I was gay so when my enlistment was up I left.

1963 - I moved to Pittsburgh, where a friend of my from the Air Force lived. His name was Sal and we were good friends at Ft. Meade. He was just a friend, no romantic entanglement but I wanted to come out in the gay world. I went into my first gay bar in Clairton, PA, a dingy steel town. It was another whole world, that gay bar. A new world opened to me. The town was dingy but this new gay world I entered for the first time in my life was a rainbow hued paradise. Especially when that cute, crew cut butch guy asked me to dance. The first time I ever danced with another guy.  I quickly discovered why people liked to dance. I always liked dancing but this was another whole experience. Of course I was at first puzzled why my dance partner would have a "ruler" in his pocket (which my friends at the bar later explained to me wasn't a "ruler" but simply my dance partner found me attractive." I was hooked. 

1963 - I only stayed in Pittsburgh for three months. I wasn't making enough money ($250 a month before taxes, less than I was making in the Army, $389 a month) and I was lonely. I came out in the gay world but I didn't know how to act. I left and went home. I originally went to Pittsburgh because I didn't want to come out at home and embarrass my family. 

1963-1965 - I got my own apartment in Coatesville, PA, a small steel town next to Downingtown and came out. I embarrassed my family and lost half my friends but I made new friends. One my best friend in the Army who revealed to me he was also gay. Here I had no idea nor did he.

1965  - to now - I met Bill, moved in with him and we will have been together fifty-nine years this July. Of course a lot has happened in those fifty-nine years which I have previously revealed in my many previous blog posts.

Here's my brief job history:

1951 - 1959 Paper boy, dishwasher, office cleaner, apple picker, meat counter boy, mowing lawns, shoe store clerk, department store clerk. Of those early jobs, the paper boy job was the best. I had that steady for five years.

1960-1963 - Army Specialist 5

1963 - Night Auditor, Pittsburgh Hiltol Hotel

1963-1965 - Accounts Payable clerk, Lipsett Steel Products (yes, a steel yard)

1965-1986 - Girard Bank (remittance clerk) then Mellon Bank

Me during my Trust Operation Manager days at Mellon Bank in Philadelphia 

1986-1994 - Fidelity Bank (Reconcilement Research Project manager

1994-1994 - Gardner on an estate

1994-1998 - Downingtown National Bank Trust Operations Manager

1998-2006 - Hampton Inn front desk clerk and First Financial Bank Trust operations. Yes, I had two jobs for three years. Saved some money.

2006 - 2020 Inn At Canal Square front desk clerk

2020 to now - Caregiver to my partner and husband of fifty-eight years. 

And that's my life folks! Of course a lot of "interesting" facts in between those dates. And as I said before I've posted before about those facts in previous blog posts and perhaps I will post about many of the "events" I haven't posted about before. But at this time of my life I am cognizant of the fact that I have to respectful of others, living and dead, before I go willy nilly and post about "everything."

I've have a nice life folks. I can see the end coming. I know some of my friends say I will outlive then and I have already outlived most of my friends but eventually my Story will come to an end.  

I  reflect now on all those windows of history in my past years and know how lucky I am to have lived this life. Of course I'm hoping for some more years, especially trips with my good friend and soulmate Pat. I think there are a few more Palm Springs adventures in our lives.  If not, then I will go to my eternal rest knowing that I have been most blessed with this life I have lived.

Bill's Other Problem

"Ditto", my brother's cat with her new favorite accessory, my Mother's red, white and blue afghan

 Bill has another major problem in addition to his health problems. 

That problem is psychological. Because he can't see he cannot do his projects, which he's done his whole life. 

He can't read.

He can't watch TV.

He can't drive.

There is a lot you cannot do when the eyesight is gone. Thank goodness he can see light. 

He can see colors. But he tells me everything is a blur. Even me. No longer can he look me in my eyes.

When I look at him in his eyes I can tell he cannot see me. And it saddens me.

A few of his activities that he likes and looks forward too are going out to our mailbox and checking for the mail.

Another activity he likes is bringing in trash cans once a week after the trash pickup. He always looks forward to bringing both our cans back and our neighbor's cans. 

I take him out almost every day for a ride. He sits in the passenger seat (shotgun) of our Subaru Forester, looking out his right side window. Sometimes I ask him what he sees. He says he sees "The light and color." I can sense his comfort at even this limited eyesight. 

I probably should spend more time with him talking but it is difficult having a conversation with him. His response is almost always "Huh?" when I say something. Even though he has his new hearing aids in, almost always the first response is "Huh?" I'm human and this is frustrating for me. Then when I repeat myself he often still doesn't understand me. It's like I have to reel him in from space. I often think of that image of an astronaut tethered on a space walk. I have to reel him in.

He doesn't have Alzheimer's or even advanced dementia but he does have cognitive issues. He can't connect the dots, so to speak. 

The one pleasure he has is listening to the little transistor radio that I bought for him several months ago. Of course there is a drawback there because the only station that comes in clear is the local Fox station. After he's been bombarded with the Fox propaganda lies for hours he starts to believe them. I can see how many of our fellow Americans are brainwashed. While driving around today he was talking about how Biden is taking us into a war with China. I asked him "Have you ever heard that radio station say ANYTHING good about Biden?" He admitted he hadn't. I reminded him that during the Biden administration more jobs have been created in the past two years than in the history of our country but you would never hear that on that local Fox propaganda radio station of daily lies.  I told him "If you listen to that crap long enough your brain will turn to mush just like so many other Americans who subject themselves to that propaganda station. You listen to that station and they'll tell you that the blacks are coming for  your women and all your money. That's their bottom line. Lie, lie, lie and raise fears just to grift for more money." I also asked him "Have you ever heard them say anything bad about Trump?" He admitted he hadn't.  Trump, the biggest con man in American history. The traitor who attempted to have his Vice President hung and overturn an American election. That Trump. He admitted that "No, that station has never said anything negative about Trump."  It's a shame I can't get another station in as clear on his transistor radio as that Traitor Station. Just another challenge I have to deal with caring for Bill. There was a time when I used to visit the VA Outpatient Clinic that the only station they had on the TV in the waiting room was Fox. WTF? Well, that's changed thank God. Now it's one of those silly home makeover stations. That's bad enough but having a Fox station on is even worse.

Bill's open leg wound is still weeping requires daily changes of bandages. It's healing but ever so slowly.

Somedays when I feel more trapped here than usual and start feeling sorry for myself I think of poor Bill and how trapped he is without his eyesight and just so tired of sitting and sleeping all day. Again, I keep telling my self he's not in pain and in a facility but here at home where he is comfortable. But even that becomes boring over time. 

I'll be quite frank with you folks, I don't think I'm ever going to get out of this situation so I'm trying to make the best of it. Like Bill, for me it could be a lot worse. I am so thankful Bill is still mobile. He can move around and go to the bathroom by himself. But he will never be able to give himself his own medication, nor prepare his food nor dress himself nor shower or wash himself. He's just not capable. 

One of the few solaces I have is the time now when Bill is in bed and I can sit here at my computer and type this blog entry. While I'm typing I have my Bose radio on to the Percy Faith station which plays gentle music of my youth that brings back so many fond memories for me. In the mornings after I get Bill up and feed him, I also come into my home office and update my online Scrabble games (that's back to working again thank goodness!) and I listen to the throbbing beat of continuous Deep House mixes on my You Tube channel. I've written about those channels before, it's the same music they play in the upscale clothing stores like The Grove in North Hollywood. That's when I first heard that kind of music. To me, that music is so soothing. Different than the gentle music I hear by Percy Faith, Jackie Gleason, Mantovani, Herb Alpert, and others of that Fifties "Beautiful Music." I don't play the heavy beat music at night because my home office is right above Bill's bedroom and the thumping of the bass wakes him up.

I talk to Pat often on FaceTime during the day and evening but tonight Pat is off with one of his bands practicing so I am here alone to wallow in my self pity. I so loved my hotel job because I could get out at least twice a week and do something different. Sometimes I got frustrated at the hotel but always a challenge which I enjoyed. I hope someday I can go back to that job but lately I've been wondering if I'm physically up to it. My arthritis, I'm having more problems walking. Yes, I am walking like an old man now. Well I am eighty-one years old. Father Time is catching up to even me. I've had a good run but I recognize that even my time is running out. 

Tomorrow I get a haircut. I get out.

Wednesday I have my computer guy coming over to checking out my WIFI connection. It's been acting up lately. 

Today we had nice weather so I laid two wheelbarrows of mulch. I can only do two wheelbarrows these days before I'm near collapse. I just don't have the energy I used to have in my Glorious Youth. 

Last week I mailed a red, white and blue afghan that my Mother made for me some years ago to my brother in Pennsylvania. I'm a red, white and blue guy but those colors didn't fit into my interior decor here at Casa Tipton-Kelly. The good news is that my brother's cat fell in love with that afghan right away. He texted me wanting to know if I "put catnip in that afghan."  I  told him I didn't but I suspect his cat likes the red, white and blue because she is a MAGA cat. She's named "Ditto" after my brother's favorite broadcaster, the late Rush Lumbaugh. Yes, my brother is one of THOSE but he's still my brother. 

Life is imperfect folks but as Pat often says, "These are all First World problems." We could be living in Ukraine.

By the way, watching the Philadelphia Eagles lose that close Super Bowl game in Phoenix yesterday didn't help my mood either. Philly loses again. They lost the World Series and now the Super Bowl all in one year. Brings back a lot of bad old memories. 

Bedtime now folks. 

Trudging Forward

 

Bill's daily leg wound dressing

Wow! It's been a week since I posted to my blog. So what have I been doing? Same thing as I've been doing for the past two years now, caregiving for Bill.

Bill is still recovering from his latest hospital stay. His leg wound is taking longer to heal. In the past, when Bill had a leg wound, it usually healed within a week. This wound is going on three weeks now. 

Today his new hospice nurse came by for her weekly checkup visit to Bill. I asked her in her experience is this unusual taking so long for his leg wound to heal? She said "No, something it takes quite a while." One good sign, his leg wound isn't getting worse (thank goodness). But it does look like we're in for the long haul.

Because of the daily change of dressing of his leg wound, that's added about an hour to getting Bill ready for the day. 

I also have to liquify Bill's oatmeal. He drinks his twice a day main meal of oatmeal. I also have to crush his pills. More time taken. Altogether this is adding another two hours or more. 

Bill is getting weaker. He gets confused more often now. It's hard to have a regular conversation with him. Now days I have to frequently repeat my conversation to him for him to understand what I'm talking about. I feel so bad for him, he's trying so hard but he's slowly slipping. And he knows it. 

We both agree that the best option is that he pass away peacefully in his sleep. He tells me almost every day he's "ready." He looks forward to passing over the Rainbow Bridge to join his beloved pets Babydoll, T, Horace, Sparky and Hamburger. Perhaps if there is a Heaven he will finally meet his father who died when Bill was only a year old. His father was twenty-one years old when he died in an automobile accident. 

I told Bill's hospice worker that Bill was ready to go and he hopes it is peacefully in his sleep. She said "Unfortunately, that's not the way most people die." Well, that wasn't encouraging but I am thankful that he's not in pain and that he is here at his home that he loves so much. 

These days he sleeps about twenty hours a day, half the time in our sun room. He listens to his transistor radio because he can't see to read. He doesn't even look at his iPad anymore. He used to like to watch the color of the weather patterns on the satellite display on his iPad. He's not interested anymore. He also has lost some of his appetite. He doesn't even eat those labor intensive crescent shortbread cookies. 

I feel so sad for him. I feel sad for myself. I will miss him when he's gone but the Bill I used to know has been disappearing for the past two years now. Just a slow decline.

We both joke that this way of dying is because he led such a healthy lifestyle. No smoking, drugs, drinking or eating unhealthy foods. But no matter how healthy one's lifestyle, the Grim Reaper eventually catches up with us all. We talk about that Jeep Laredo that he had for over twenty years. It was a good vehicle and ran well for a long time but eventually that vehicle ran out of gas too. 

So we take each day as a gift. 

Each day that he is pain free. 

Each day that we can love each other. 

Each day that we can laugh together over some memory of long ago that we share. 

Bill often tells me stories of his time in the Army in Germany after World War II and his time in the Air Force in Japan after that same war. Even though I've heard these stories many times I never correct him.  Just this morning he was telling me the story of seeing General MacArthur ordering Emperor Hirohito to meet WITH HIM, turning down Hirohito's invitation to visit him in Imperial Palace in Tokyo. 

General Douglas MacArthur with Emperor Hirohito

Bill will tell me this story again and I will patiently listen. He is so happy recalling these memories. And in the future, should I be alone again I will always remember this memory of Bill.

Bill Is Fading

 

Bill sleeping today in his favorite chair in our sun room

Bill has been home for a day now. He was so tired last night as was I. We both slept the Sleep of the Dead last night. 

I had more errands to run today and as usual I took Bill along with me. He loves to go for rides with me. Today I took an extra long ride. Even staying a while in the car while we were parked in the Redner's parking lot to talk to Bill while we watched the traffic go by on Route 9. Oh how I appreciate this time we get to spend together. 

This morning we were actually able to take a shower. He's still very weak but was able to walk  into the shower while I supported him. And this morning when I changed his Depends, I am reminded why I was glad to convince him to wear Depends for the last year or so. We're back to accidents now but it's no big thing. As a good friend of mine said who was a caregiver for his very ill partner for a long time said "It's only shit" and indeed it is. Just clean it up.

Bill felt so much better after his shower. I am so thankful that he can still walk even though he is much weaker. He wants to walk and I think as the days go by he will regain some of his strength. Bill is and always was a very strong man physically. 

I had to do major wound dressing this morning on his right leg.  It's still swollen but not as bad as last Friday before I took him into the Urgent Care unit. The big blister has broken and clear liquid soaks through the dressing. I change it daily although the medical information says I should change it twice a day. I'll check it tomorrow and if it is getting better, like all the other times before, I'll continue to only change his dressing daily. Otherwise I change it twice a day which makes it more difficult because he wears jeans and I have to either take his pants off or try to roll up his pant leg which is hard to do because his leg is so swollen.

Even though my Bill is home now I notice some subtle changes. He sleeps most of the day. Thank God he knows who I am and is aware but he does sleep almost all of the time. And he's not eating as much. He used to go through a whole pack of lemon cookies but he hasn't touched them since he came home. And the other cookies that I make and buy for him, he hasn't touched at all. This time last year I had to make the Viennese Crescent shortbread cookies at least every week or less. This last batch I made several weeks ago is still in the cookie tin. He has lost his appetite for everything except his twice a day oatmeal ("which extra sugar" he always reminds me). 

He's peeing more often in a jar or one of those hospital pee jugs because he's too weak to go downstairs to his bathroom during the day. He does go down at night although last night he stayed quite a while in his chair in the sun room. Much longer than he usually does. Same thing tonight. He loves his setup in his downstairs bedroom but I sense he's avoiding the effort to go downstairs.  But once I reminded him he did. I check in on him several times during the night, when I get up for my own pee runs as is the case with us older guys (sometimes I get up as much as four times a night). 

Bill is fading folks. I think back to what he was like three years ago before his strokes and we started on this downward path. He was all over the place. Full of life, energy, opinions, and spunk. Even last year, once he started to recover from his strokes he had more energy than he does now. It's almost like he running on empty. He doesn't want to leave me, or leave me alone in the world. And truth be told, I don't want him to leave me. Today in the car when we were parked in the Redner's parking lot looking at the traffic on Rt. 9 go by, he told me again that if I went first he would end his own life. My God folks, I'm so thankful that I'm not sick because it would be unbearable for me to think I would leave Bill alone in the world. 

During our fifty-nine years together I guess most of that time we always assumed we would always be together even during and after my "forays" and even one "foray" Bill had with his friend Damon (strictly platonical) with the twelve kids and wife until Damon's wife found out and ended that friendship. She's probably reading this blog now and I don't care. She was very cruel to Bill doing what she did. Their kids loved Bill. And as I said the relationship was not physical but I committed the cardinal sin by being openly gay and in her conservative religious world I am damn. Do I care? Not for myself but for Bill because he was truly happy during those times he visited Damon. End of this train of thought, it's depressing me.

Back to Bill's slow fade, I can see it so clearly now. 

I know so many people who have suffered the loss of their longtime partner or spouse, the latest being my sister-in-law when my youngest brother died this past September. I talked to her on FaceTime the night before last. So sad. Several gay couples I know here in the Rehoboth Beach area, their spouses have recently died. The suffering they must have endured to lose their longtime partners. I sense my time is coming. I hope I can hold up as well as they seem to be doing. I don't know if I mentioned this before but it bears mentioning again, as my friend Ur-Spo told me in a recent text message:  "There is nothing to alleviate this sort of sorrow. It is the price we pay for loving someone."

I'll end this depressing post with what my friend Jon of Lone Wolf Concerto said in a comment on my recent blog post:

"Time doesn't heal all wounds, it only obscures them."

Time does heal physical wounds but not emotional wounds. 

I see it coming folks. And it scares the hell out of me.

Bill's Home

 

Bill leaving the hospital today

Bill is home from the hospital. 

I picked him up at 4:30 this afternoon, in the sun glare of a late winter afternoon. 

Even though Bill went in for a massive blood clot in his right leg, they were very concerned with his swallowing difficulties. I will just have to manage his food preparation better in the future. One of the options was a feeding tube in his stomach. We're not going to do that just like we're not going to a rehab facility. Someone from Medicare will come by the house in the next few days.

Bill is weak and has to regain his strength. We've been through this before when he had his two strokes almost two years to the day (January 12th and 14th, 2021). We'll do it again.

Today started out horribly. I couldn't get my iPhone on! Every night before I go to bed I put it on a charger. I didn't drop it or do anything else unusual to the phone. But this morning I couldn't get it on. I was starting to panic because the hospital calls me on that phone. And Bill goes berserk if they can't get hold of me. He thinks I'm in an accident or worse. 

I couldn't call Apple because I have to use my phone to call Apple support. I would have to use my neighbor's phone but I know he doesn't get up until around ten o'clock. I didn't want to wake him. And to top everything else off, I had a dental appointment (cleaning and examination) at  11 AM. I had to do some quick thinking. I decided to go down to the hospital and visit in person and tell Bill's nurse my phone was out. Then by the time I got back my neighbor was up. I asked to borrow his phone (what would we do without one another?) and he readily agreed. I called Apple support and they showed me how to reboot my phone. I was doing it wrong. Up volume button, down volume button then hold the power switch in for about thirty seconds until you see the Apple logo. I read on the Internet that you only pressed the volume button down. WRONG. 

Relieved that I got the phone working I headed off to my dental appointment. Of course I forgot my extra partials and had to come back to get them. I just made my dental appointment on time. And my dental hygienist was very gentle. My mouth didn't feel like razor blades whip sawed through it for once after a teeth cleaning.

Back home for a quick lunch and a call from the hospital telling me my options. After lunch while I was brushing my teeth, another call from the hospital with more options including one taking Bill home today. I'll take it!

I'm so glad to have him home even though he is still a bit confused. But he knows he's home and he knows me. I had several intense sad moments today driving around without Bill riding shotgun in our car. At Royal Farms I had to lock my car after getting gas and going in to order my usual of eight biscuits to go. Will Bill as my wingman I don't worry about anybody stealing my car from the gas pump.

I did a lot of riding today without Bill in that passenger seat. When I got emotional was trying to imagine the rest of my life without Bill. I just can't do it folks. I talked to my neighbor (the one whose phone I borrowed) and asked him if the loss gets any better. He lost his wife almost three years ago (January 26th.) He said "No, but you learn to accept it." I don't know folks. It is going to be tough. But for now, Bill's home where he belongs. We're together again.

Bill is home in his favorite chair

Bill Still In Hospital

 

Bill's blood clot clogged leg

Bill is still in the hospital. 

Hopefully he will be able to come home tomorrow. 

He wants to come home so badly.

He's confused. When he's in the hospital like this he sometimes thinks he is at home. I visited him twice today. This morning at around ten o'clock. I left shortly before lunch. I told him I would be back this afternoon which I did. When I went into his room he was very mad at me. He wanted to leave and wanted to know where I went. I told him I went home like I told him. He didn't remember. Then he said "Something is going on. Why can't I go home now?"

I tried to calm him down. I could see where this was going. He was going to be obstreperous with me and the hospital staff like he was at the rehab facility a couple years ago when he was released from the ICU unit of Thomas Jefferson University Hospital in Philadelphia. One time I visited him at the rehab facility he was so drugged up he could hardly stand or talk. I don't want to go down that road again.

I apologized to the nurses around his station and then went back in to try and calm him down. I think I made some progress but I still couldn't bring him home today, although I would love too. But he had an intravenous in his arm with Heperian (blood thinner). At least they took off feeding him intravenously. He also has trouble swallowing and they want to check that. He can only eat a liquid diet and oatmeal with I ground to a fine powder. He won't eat the hospital food. 

The nurse practitioner told me that he has blood clots in his lungs and still some in his leg. Bill will be on blood thinners the rest of his life. He'll always be cold (here we go again). He has these land mines (blood clots) in his lungs which could result in a stroke at any time. 

Right now I just want to get him home. I miss him so much. Even though it is very stressful being a full-time caregiver, I would rather have Bill here at home with me where he feels safe and comfortable. We all have an END. I hope and pray when Bill's time comes, he can be at home with me.

Bill's Emergency Room Visit

Bill waiting for his vascular surgery early this evening

 Bill is in the hospital tonight. 

Earlier this evening he had emergency vascular surgery to remove massive blood clots from his right leg.

Two nights ago Bill woke up to a tremendous pain in his right leg. I noticed the next morning his right leg was swollen. I decided to monitor it. This morning it was worse, much worse. I called the VA to get authorization to go to the Urgent Care unit in Lewes. They took one look at his leg and told me he had to go to the Emergency Room right away. They took us right away. 

We spent all day in the Emergency Room. I ate the hospital food (I was famished) because Bill couldn't. He has trouble swallowing. They said they could do the surgery tonight which we both agreed to.

I left Bill and the hospital and returned to our darkened home. It's always so empty when Bill isn't here. As much as I complain about being a full-time caregiver without a break (two years tomorrow) I sorely miss Bill when he isn't here. It breaks my heart to leave him all alone in the hospital. He depends so much on me not only for care but for emotional support. I know he will spend a sleepless night tonight but he will be home tomorrow. 

 

Bill's Daily Walk

Every morning, after I get Bill ready for his day, Bill takes his Daily Walk. 

Bill's Daily Walk consists of him making twenty loops around our finished basement room. 

This was done first to improve circulation in his lower legs where he has edema. When he first came home from rehab, his lower legs were so swollen, it was painful to look at them. Both legs oozed clear liquid and had open sores. Since Bill began his walks, the swelling is down considerably (still there) and the clear liquid oozing is completely gone. Occasionally he has an open sore but I dress them and they go away in about four or five days.

I am so proud of Bill. He has made so much progress since he came home from his two week stay at the rehab facility where he was sent after his near death at the ICU at Thomas Jefferson Hospital  in Philadelphia. 

When Bill first came home he didn't want to do anything. He couldn't do much. But little by little he has regained his strength to the point where he can pretty briskly walk every morning. At first he was getting mixed up how many loops he was making. I corrected that problem by giving him twenty quarters. After each loop he drops a quarter into a bowl until he runs out of quarters. 

Next week Bill will be officially discharged from home hospice care. But that doesn't mean Bill has completely recovered. He hasn't. He still needs me to help him dress, shower, eat and take his medications. He still gets confused and is still weak. But he has stabilized. He isn't getting worse. But he's only about 60% of the person he was before his strokes.

A couple months ago we took him off of Eliquis. He is still on his other medications. Taking him off of Eliquis means that he could possible have another stroke through a blood clot (his other strokes were the result of blood clots), but one of the Eliquis side affects was causing him dizziness. His risk of falling was greater this his risk of another blood clot. No really good choices here folks but we felt we took the one of least risk.

I am so thankful that Bill has stabilized. He still gets frustrated by his lack of eyesight but overall we have settled into a comfortable daily pattern of living. 

We are both blessed that our situation isn't much worse. We manage and for that we're thankful.

Snow Gone!

Last of the snow - view of our backyard

Yes! The snow is gone! 

The temperature right now is 61 degrees. I'll take it!

It is raining lightly now. A dreary day but doesn't dampen several pieces of good news.

Yesterday Bill's hospice nurse measured his blood pressure and it came in at 103 over 62. That is excellent! First time since Bill came home from rehab last year at this time that his blood pressure was over 90. I took his blood pressure twice after she left just to make sure she got a good reading. I got similar results! Looks like Bill will be around for a while which is excellent news. Bill is a survivor. He's not the way he was before he had his two strokes last year but he is significantly better than he was when he came home from rehab. 

Bill will never be the way he was before his strokes but we can manage this way. He still needs me to help him dress and shower and feed him and give him his pills. He still has cognitive issues, slurs his speech, legally blind and stopped over but we're managing for which I am so thankful. I cannot imagine living her alone knowing he was in some facility. 

This morning I got a haircut. Exciting news huh? Well, I was supposed to get a haircut (which I badly needed) last Friday but the snowstorm put a kibosh on that plans. I was embarrassed to go to my barber this morning looking as shaggy as I did. I was starting to look like a bedraggled homeless old man, not my usual sharp self. 

I'm getting a new microwave oven! I was attempting to replace a burned out light in our fourteen year old microwave and the top vent fell off! Seems like everything in my life is falling apart. The microwave still works but the top vent is just held on my hope and chance. Get a new microwave Ron! Delivery expected this Tuesday.

More good news, our basement wall where our sewer pipe exits is not leaking! Fabulous news! Hopefully I paid #1,450 to get rid of that headache. Now if COVID ever goes away, I can resume my quarterly trips with Pat. This is the time of year that I would be in Palm Springs. Not this year because of my caregiving responsibilities for Bill and COVID. I will never travel as long as I'm caring for Bill. You never know how life works out but maybe life will return to normal or what passes for normal these days with so many of my fellow Americans willing to overturn our democracy in support of The Former Guy and his Republican enablers. Never in my life would I have imagined that our very democracy would be at stake because of the cowardice of so many and so many of my fellow Americans so easily conned by the Former Guy. I'm not feeling optimistic about the future folks with Joe Biden as our president. He's too old and he's a year younger than me! I cringe when he talks. Worst communicator ever. Sometimes I can hardly hear him and when I can he sounds like he's talking from the bottom of a well. Not an inspiring figure at all. Is the best we can do Dems? In the meantime Merrick Garland, our Attorney General is paralyzed to do anything to hold the Former Guy accountable for trying to overturn the presently election. Trump again gets away with breaking the law like he has his whole life. And yesterday Rachel pointed out four cases of voter fraud where Republicans did it. All voted for a dead person. All except one received probation except one who gove five days jail time. Yet a black woman attempted to register to vote, and was advised to do so by her probation office, got a SIX YEAR JAIL SENTENCE because she made this mistake. Yet, as I saw on the Rachel Maddow show last night, Republicans who are convicted of real voter fraud receive light sentences.

See HERE:

 

One day at a time folks, one day at a time.

 

"It's Hot!"

Bill eating his hot oatmeal

 "It's hot!" That's what I say twice a day when I serve Bill his twice daily meal of oatmeal. 

Originally I said "It's hot!" to give him a warning that the bowl of oatmeal was micro wave oven hot. Bill began repeating "It's hot!" as I placed the bowl of hot oatmeal in his lap. I repeat "It's hot!" and Bill repeats "It's hot!" We both know this is a little bit of levity at this time of our life when we both know Bill is fading. 

Bill doesn't want to leave me. He's tired and wants to die but he doesn't want to leave me. It's a conundrum. 

I keep telling myself "He's not in pain and he knows who I am." And those two facts are so important at this time of our life, watching Bill slowly die. 

We're all going to die of course, but Bill is nearer to death now. 

Bill sleeps most of the day. Any activity exhausts him. 

His blood pressure is constantly low. 

He is losing weight.

His speech is almost unintelligible. 

His vision is almost totally gone. He only sees me as a shadow. 

Bill is still able to walk up the stairs from his basement bedroom and bathroom. However, it is getting harder and harder for him to climb those thirteen steps. He so loves his bedroom and privacy. 

Our hospice service says they will provide a hospital bed for him upstairs but Bill would rather stay in his basement bedroom. We will do that as long as he can climb those stairs. I'm not sure what I'll do if he can't climb those stairs anymore. Stay downstairs and never see the light of day again? I don't think so. I think that hospice supplied hospital bed might me in our future. 

We both agree that if he peacefully passes away in his sleep, that is the best solution.  

We all have to go sometime and yes, passing away peacefully in our sleep is the best exit. That's my wish for me. I would not want to go the way Bill is going now. Eyesight failing, profound hearing loss, (although his near hearing aids help), and exhaustion. 

Again and I can't repeat this enough, he knows who I am and is not in pain. That's what we'll go with now and for which I am so thankful.

Bill at one of his rare times of getting out of our car. Yesterday at Ace Hardware, but he was so exhausted me had to sop and rest on that grill.

Thoughts On A Hot Summer Day

 

Here we are, sweltering in another summer heat wave. 

After doing some yard work this morning I couldn't take anymore. I had to come in before I passed out. I just can't work in this heat and humidity. 

I had to take a shower when I came in from the open oven door that is our outside now. 

Two days ago we almost had a medical emergency with Bill. He takes a walk or two every day.  He took his walk in the 92 degree heat and almost didn't make it back. I took his blood pressure when he came in the cool climes of our air conditioned love nest. His blood pressure was very low, very low. 88 over 50. Needless to say, no more walks on very hot and humid days.

These days, at the end of the day I'm exhausted. Bill is still working on his "projects" (he can't help himself). His latest is security our deck canopy against gusts of wind. This is very hard for Bill to do because of his eyesight. He just can't see. But he insists he's doing this "for me." I'm resigned to the fact that Bill will always have his projects until the day he dies. That's just him. In the evening when Bill goes to bed at dark, I have a few hours to myself. Only problem now is I just can't stay awake. Last night I feel asleep again while watching one of my previously recorded "Dateline" murder mysteries. I'll have to watch it again during the day when I don't fall asleep.

Yesterday I made a batch of my personal potato salad recipe. I've developed this recipe over the years from trial and error. I LOVE this cold potato salad on these brutally hot and humid summer days. 

My eating habits have changed since caring for Bill. I did lose about fifteen pounds. Pounds which I've been trying to lose for years but now I've accomplished that. Still have my little pot belly though. I'll have that with me until I check out of this life. I've resigned myself to that fact. 

Now what I eat is Beyond Burger. I LOVE that "hamburger." I load it down with condiments like lettuce and tomato, a slice of red onion, three dill pickles, two melted slices of sharp cheddar cheese and a swirl (or two) or French's mustard all served on a Hawaiian sweet hamburger roll. Veggie of choice is local white corn sliced off the cob (I don't like to munch corn on the cob, did when I was a kid but not now). That's my meal at night, occasionally alternated with Royal Farm spicy chicken tenders with their fries and biscuits. Veggie for that meal is a Greek salad of iceberg lettuce, tomato, feta cheese and Wishbone Greek dressing. That's it folks, I'm just like Anderson Cooper and many others, I eat the same food all time. Bill has really downsized his eating. He eats oatmeal in the morning and oatmeal at dinner. Lately I've been making watermelon puree juice for him. He also likes Belgian waffle anise cookies. That's what these two old men eat these days. 

Weekly Bill's hospice nurse visits and checks on Bill. Tomorrow is her visiting day. We have our routine now. Now if we can just get a break from his heat.

Bill Falls And Can't Get Up

 

Bill sitting out back under our shade tree late this afternoon, recovering from last night.

Last night, just as I was falling asleep at my normal time of 12:30 AM to 1 AM, Bill's medical alarm rang. He was having an emergency.

I rushed downstairs to his basement bedroom and sure enough, he was shaking all over. He didn't know how to stop and I didn't know what to do either. 

I called the 24/7 hospice nurse line which is what I was told to do if Bill had a medical emergency. No more calling 911 and a trip to the Emergency Room which just results in generating more bills and no resolution to Bill's medical problem which is just old age and he's wearing out. 

"Debbie", the sainted person on the other side of the line (who takes jobs like this anyway? I can't imagine) asked the routine questions which I won't go into here except "is he in pain?" (he wasn't). Then Bill had to go to the bathroom, immediately! We didn't quite make it, his pee was going down his leg then I heard the poop. Yep, he was pooping (shitting) his pants. What a mess.

I managed to get him to the bathroom and on the toilet, just. He had the biggest dump I've ever seen. Of course part of it was on the floor, toilet seat, down the right leg of his pants but most of it was in the toilet. I took a picture of it just to prove to his hospice nurse. Apparently Bill was constipated. We didn't know that. Maybe that's why he had the uncontrollable shakes. 

As I was getting him up off the toilet and into the nearby shower to wash him off (after pulling off his pants and underwear, couldn't get his shirt or T-shirt off so that went into the shower), Bill fell. He just missed the seat in the shower/tub enclosure. No pictures here but this is one of those cheap, one piece plastic builder grade showers. Thank goodness no tiles to clean after the poop mess. My brother was faced with that problem when he was taking care of our mother at the end of her life. It was messy too.

Bill fell in a crumpled corner on the floor of the shower. I couldn't get him up as much as I tried. When I thought I got him part way up (he was very weak) he slipped and fell again and this time part of him was wedged in between the base of the shower and his toilet with the metal grab bars. He hit is head (the bruise shows). I couldn't get him up. Tried for at least forty-five minutes. Then I called his hospice nurse again. I told her of the problem. She told me to call 911 and have some EMT's come out and pick him up and put him in his chair where he sleeps at night.

They were at our house within ten minutes (seemed less). Two burly guys who had no trouble extracting Bill from being wedged in between the base of his toilet and the shower base. They held him up while I washed off the now dried encrusted feces (shit) from his right leg and his butt. Then they took him into his bedroom. They were very gentle and spoke soothing words to him, which greatly impressed me. Two big burly guys so gentle. They held him while I put on a Depends underwear, which is what Bill is going to wear from now on. I also put on his jogging pants that I bought initially for him when he returned home from the rehab after his hospital stay in January. No more regular underwear for Bill nor his usual Levi jeans, too much trouble to clean. They settled him in his chair while I gathered up all the soiled garments. I rinsed out his underwear in the toilet (something I quickly learned to do from previous "accidents"). One thing that I learned is true what my friend Glenn told me (he was his partner/husband's longtime caregiver), you quickly get over the "shit" part of caregiving. Not so squeamish anymore, just do what you have to do.

After rinsing off his underwear, I put all into the washing machine and turned on the extra rinse cycle. Been there, done this before too. 

By  the time the EMT guys left, daylight was dawning. I had been up all night as was Bill. That's right, no sleep all night. Last time I did that was when I was a night auditor at the Hampton Inn in Exton, Pennsylvania in t he year 2000. I was alert but felt out of body at time. I've been running on fumes all day.

My big fear was that Bill wouldn't be able to walk. What would I do now? His hospice care worker was coming over today at 8:00 AM to check on him, special trip after last night's call. I had about an hour to sleep. I also had a weekly Zoom call scheduled at 10:00 AM with my friends Stuart, Lar, Pat and myself. Today was Lar's birthday so we didn't want to miss that. Lar is my friend who has ALS (diagnosed four years ago). And yes, he has his bathroom issues too and his fall down issues (his family has had to call the EMT's to get him up off the floor on occasion). 

I laid down on my bed and quickly fell asleep. I had asked Alexa to wake me up at fifteen minutes to eight. When she did I heard movement in the kitchen. I rounded the corner from my bedroom (which is right next to our kitchen) and there was Bill, walking albeit slowly and unsteady. He refuses to use a cane for walker (which the EMT guys told me he should use). Thank goodness he was walking! I can't tell you how relieved I was.

"Abby", the hospice care worker arrived about 8:30 AM. She took Bill's blood pressure and it was normal. I told her what happened and she surmised that Bill suffered an anxiety attack, which makes sense. Bill is so worried about leaving me (dying) but he is tired and because he can no longer read or do his projects because of his eyesight and his other problems, he's in a quandary. I told him so often that I can take care of myself but after fifty-seven years it's hard for him to leave his responsibility to "take care of me." She advised him to try and think of nice things and not dwell on the negative, which Bill tends to do. 

Abby left after about an hour's visit. 

The rest of the day here was surreal, as it is when one doesn't sleep the previous night. And today was the day I had my landscaper Ferdinand trim my nineteen holly trees (at $700), which I don't know house much longer I'll have that job done. I'm tempted to just let those holly trees grown out. If I'm left here by myself I have to cut out expenses like this. Let our backyard go natural. 

After I finish this post I'm going to bed. Bill is sleeping peacefully now in his Archie Bunker chair. Hopefully we can both get through the night without any more emergencies. Neither one of us can endure many more nights like we had last night.

Bill Gets His COVID Vaccination Shot

 

Bill gets his first COVID vaccination shot this morning

Bill got his first COVID vaccination shot this morning. 

I have both of my shots. I got them through the VA. I couldn't get Bill's vaccination shots through the VA because they said he wasn't eligible because he's on home hospice care. Does that make sense? Doesn't to me. But I can't complain too much about the VA because they are taking good care of Bill (covering all the costs) since his two strokes in January. I am SO THANKFUL for that. And they have been so cooperative when the occasional bill does find it was to Casa Tipton-Kelly. You know how it is once you have a medical event and trigger that avalanche of medical bills. 

Here in Delaware we now have a surplus of COVID vaccinations so I thought I would give it a try and see if I could arrange for Bill to get his vaccinations outside the VA system. A few weeks ago I went on the Walgreen's website and signed Bill up for an appointment. This morning at 10:45 AM was his first appointment for the Pfizer COVID vaccination. Wouldn't you know it I forgot to bring identification for Bill. I have his wallet and all ID's locked up in my safe, they're not safe with Bill. He already lost his wallet at Thomas Jefferson Hospital in Philadelphia when he was airlifted there after his second stroke. He had no idea where his clothes were. Fortunately I was able to track them down (they were left in a bag in his ICU room) and my friend Don McK., who lives in Center City Philadelphia, went over and picked them up and mailed his clothes and wallet with all his identification to me. Thank you Don!  That was a near miss. Now I don't let Bill have his wallet or cards. He's already lost his hearing aid (still hasn't shown up). 

So there I am this morning at the Walgreen's Pharmacy window checking in Bill and the kind lady behind the plexiglass asks for Bill's identification. Of course Dumbo here FORGOT to bring it with me. No worries, the kind lady looked him up in their system (we got our flu shots a few years ago at that Walgreens when the VA sent us there because they ran out of flu serum or whatever you call the shot).

Bill was injected with the vaccination. We sat for about fifteen minutes just in case there was an adverse reaction (there wasn't) 

Bill's sitting on the back deck now, enjoying this breezy, warm late spring day. The booster vaccination is scheduled from three weeks from now. Hopefully, I'll remember to bring his identification THIS TIME. My brain, I think I'm losing it.

Have a great day everyone!