Blind Date!

Ever go on a blind date?  Ever had an offer to go on a blind date?  I can answer "Yes" to both questions.  How about you?

And folks, I can also tell you that all my "blind dates" have been unmitigated disasters.  Why oh why did I ever go on a blind date?  Well, partly to please my so called friends who were doing me "a favor", like I needed a favor.  Friends, actually I can do quite well myself, I don't need any help.

The other kind of "blind dates" I've been on probably couldn't actually be considered blind dates because I was answering a personal ad.  A gay personal ad.  This was back in the day before computers and e-mails.  The Philadelphia Gay News used to run personal ads.  I put my big toe in that Pool of Unknown and came away with some mighty shockers.

Then in my early forties I succumbed to the temptations of the new Internet age and answered digital personal ads.  It didn't matter whether the person showed a photo of themselves or not prior to the meeting, when I actually met the person portrayed in the ad they bore little resemblance to their photo in their on line ad.  

No, I'm not going to go into the details of these clandestine rendezvous this morning (those details are too salacious for family viewing of this blog), rest assured blind dates are an endeavor that I will never repeat again in my life.

Then there were those times when well meaning friends, co-workers and relatives thought "Ron needed to meet somebody" and they would set me up.  Perhaps the most notorious was the time I was invited to the home of a favorite former classmate (and widow) of mine for dinner.  Not only was I the only male at the dinner but there were FOUR OTHER WIDOWS at the dinner!  Hey folks, if one didn't hit the jackpot maybe another would.  Female class reunion organizers are notorious for trying to pair off single or widowed male members of their former classmates.   Naive me, it took me about four class reunions to realize that I was primed for pairing.  No matter that I was gay, that's was only a minor hurdle to some of these ladies.  Not that I can blame them.  After all who wants to spend their senior years alone.  But folks, I can make my own choices thank you.

So I bring up this subject because  good friend of mine, who recently retired told me about an e-mail he received yesterday.  The wife of his former boss sent my friend an e-mail suggesting that perhaps he would want to go out on a blind date with a widow friend of hers.  She said .."she doesn't want any relationship, just a friend to go to the movie or go on vacation, etc."  

Um......excuse me?  "on vacation, etc."  The "vacation" part is scary enough but the "etc?"  Uh Houston, I think we have a problem here.

Of course my friend can make any decision he wants to. From what I know of him he has his life pretty well organized and is quite happy leading the single life and doesn't need any help from friends with "companionship" but "on vacation, etc?"  So when they make the hotel reservations would that be one king bed or two queen beds?  Just saying.

I remember one year when a good friend of mine invited me to his house for Thanksgiving dinner.  I thought that was mighty generous of him until I arrived and discovered he had also invited his single cousin.  Oh....how...convenient.  Now this "friend" knows I've been with Bill for umpteen years but as has been my experience with many of my well meaning straight friends, they tend to discount my relationship with Bill.  I'm not really looking for anyone and if I was I can handle it myself.  I.....don't.....need.....any.....help. 

Thanksgiving dinner at friend's house 2003 - my how time flies

I remember back in my 20's when I was young and handsome and on the cusp of a very lucrative career at the bank.  Nary a day went by that I wasn't being setup or pounced upon by some, young, nubile female looking for a boyfriend.  I finally put a stop to it when I responded to one of my co-workers in mid sentence when she was setting up her latest trap for me:  I told her "I'm sorry Ann Marie, I can't go because BILL and I have plans that night."  She paused and the whites of her eyes got a little more prominent and she slowly asked "WHO....IS....BILL?"  I said "Bill is my roommate." I watched her face closely as she processed that word roommate.  It took her about thirty seconds to translate roommate into gay and all of a sudden her Dolly Levi face disappeared to be replaced by one that looked like she just ran over a skunk on the highway. Well folks, she never tried to fix me up again and as a matter of fact for the rest of my banking career the ladies left me alone.  Of course since "the word was out" my banking career didn't progress much further either (see yesterday's posting about coming out) but that was worth it just not to have to contend with well meaning folks seeking to pair me off with  the opposite sex.

Me 1974 - when I was a "hot" ticket

I've even had a friend try to pair me off with a member of my same sex.  A straight friend who I used to work with but who had left the bank called one day and asked me out to lunch.  I met him and much to my surprise he brought along a very obvious, effeminate gay man.  A real dandy.  After an awkward and uncomfortable lunch, I called him and asked "Who was that and why did you bring him to lunch?"  He said "He gay and you're gay, I thought you would be interested."  Geez Louise,    thanks.....for nothing.  As I said before, I can take care of my social life quite well by myself.  Do I look like I need help?

So this morning I'm sympathizing with my friend who has been put in this untenable position by his well meaning friends.  What would you do?

Me today, no longer a "hot ticket" but doing quite well thank you.  Don't be pairing me up with any widows please.

National Coming Out Day

Me and Bill, my spouse

Yesterday was National Coming Out Day.  For those of you, both gay and straight, who aren't familiar with this "holiday", it is the day that encourages closeted gay men and women to come out of the closet.  To toss of the yoke of oppression that many in Straight Land have had on our necks for centuries.  

To those of you who have followed my blog regularly you know that I have been out of the closet for fifty years.  I came out in April of 1963, long before it was fashionable or even safe.  Not that I was any hero or anything like that, I came out because after serving three years in the Army (Army Security Agency working at the National Security Agency where they had regular purges of the "security risks" homosexuals), I decided I wasn't going to live the rest of my life in fear and self-hatred.  I was 21 years old, just starting out in life after having served my obligation to our country.  If I wasn't gay I would have stayed in the Army and made a career out of it but that wasn't an option for a gay man in 1963.  According to law I was a criminal because I was homosexual. 

Me at the White House in 1962 when I was working at NSA stationed at nearby Ft. Meade, MD - totally in the closet because I didn't want to get kicked out of the Army for having "homosexual tendencies" 

Yesterday I posted my brief history of coming out in 1963, knowing full well I would ruffle some feathers of my more religious family members and others on my Facebook page.  Sure enough I did.  

This is my way of shaking things up.  I've never participated in a gay pride parade in my life, not that there is anything the matter with gay pride parades.  However, I have been in two marches on Washington D.C. in support of equal rights for gays and lesbians.  The first march was in 1979.  I was nervous as all get out but I was asked to go and I went.  I was so nervous and sure I would be arrested I didn't even take my camera so no photos from me on that march.  

1979 Equality March on Washington D.C. (not my photo - I was too afraid to take my camera)

The second march in support of gay rights I took in 2009.  This march was a lot different.  I wasn't nervous and had no fear of being arrested or brutalized like I did at the first march.  In fact, this march was more festive than anything else, a celebration.

Me in front of the White House, rainbow flag, beads and all - no longer afraid - 30 years made a big difference

This past year I was privileged to be asked to testify before both houses of the Delaware state legislature in support of marriage equality.  

Me waiting to testify before the Delaware state senate sub committee in support of marriage equality

I am happy to say that the marriage equality bill passed in Delaware and the man I've been living with for the past 49 years and I got married this past July, on our 49th anniversary.  

Me and Bill the day we got our marriage license at the Sussex County Courthouse in Georgetown - hey folks, we're not in Kansas (or Arizona, or South Carolina, or Texas, et al)

Our official wedding portrait with our witnesses

While I don't believe in forcing my gay brothers and sisters into coming out what I can say is that if and when you do come out you will feel the indescribable feeling of freedom when you lift that yoke of oppression off of your shoulders.  You will be surprised at how relieved you will feel once you take control of your life.  As Harvey Milk said:

“Gay brothers and sisters,... You must come out. Come out... to your parents... I know that it is hard and will hurt them but think about how they will hurt you in the voting booth! Come out to your relatives... come out to your friends... if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors... to your fellow workers... to the people who work where you eat and shop... come out only to the people you know, and who know you. Not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake. For the sake of the youngsters who are becoming scared by the votes from Dade to Eugene.”

Is there a risk to coming out?  Sure.  Harvey Milk paid with his life.  I've been luckier but I've had some might close calls in my life too.  I've had a gang of toughs try to run me down with their car.  I had another gang of drunken teenagers chase me down a center city Philadelphia street wielding baseball bats when I was on my home from a gay bar.   I've had several other encounters with violent homophobes that through luck and quick thinking I avoided being injured or killed.  However, I have lost two jobs because of homophobic bosses and they got away with it.

Harvey Milk - San Francisco - 1976

It isn't easy but then claiming your right to live as a free man (or woman) sometimes never is.  Even today, in our so called "enlightened age" I have been confronted with the ugly face of homophobia most recently when I visited my father's birthplace in the mountainous hills of western North Carolina.  A relative asked me if I "practiced the gay lifestyle".  When I answered "If you mean am I gay, yes."  He then said "Now you listen to me bud, if you dare to step foot on my parent's property (his mother was the granddaughter of my great aunt), you will have to deal with me.  You got that bud!?"  When I heard those hateful and threatening words a familiar cold chill went down my spine again.  The same cold chill that went down my spine when I watched Pat Buchanan give his infamous "Culture War" speech at the 1992 Republican Convention in Houston Texas.  

Up until that time I was a conservative Republican but when I heard his speech that dehumanized gay men and women and watched the "good Republicans" (much like the "good Germans" cheering Hitler), a chill went down my spine.  I realized "I don't belong here.  These people want me dead."  Oh of course I heard the faux rationale "Love the sinner but hate the sin" but I knew then and there that until everyone came out, that the cancer of homophobia would continue to flourish even though below the surface of the "good people."  

I believe a lot of the homophobia is based on ignorance of gay people.  Until those people who are so afraid of gay people, know someone who is gay they will be afraid and thus try to "control" us by keeping us in the closet.  

The only way we will end homophobia and discrimination against gays in this country is for every man and woman who is gay to come out.  Already there are cracks starting to appear where none were before like professional sports.  No longer are those coming out just celebrities in the movies or singers. 

 

Yes, that is "Crocodile Rock" Elton John - he "might be gay" and he is definitely out of the closet

The walls are coming down folks, slowly but surely.  I just hope I live long enough that when I identify myself as gay I don't hear "Well, it says right here in the Bible........." Ironically, actually it doesn't say anything about homosexuality in the Bible.  But that's another whole blog posting that I am not going to get into here.  

I'll end with this posting with quote I heard from an anonymous source a few days ago:

"Hating gays is a lifestyle choice."

Bloggerpalooza 2014

Me and Someone from last year's Bloggerpalooza

Hey folks, only six months to the second annual Bloggerpalooza.  Why it just seems like last month when we all departed from Lewes and the first annual Bloggerpalooza.

Harper's Other Dad whopping it up at last year's Bloggerpalooza

Just to remind everyone of the dates, this year's Blogggerpalooza will be three days: April 10th, 11th and 12th at the Inn at Canal Square in Lewes, Delaware.  We still have rooms available at the hotel at a 20% discount on the rack rate.  You can rent a room at the hotel or another hotel or even stay with friends.  

For those of you who plan to attend who live nearby, Saturday evening from 6 pm to 8 pm we will have a "Meet and Greet" (with surprise gift presentations - lots of fun) at the Parkview Room at the hotel.  The affair will be catered by The Essential Chef of Lewes, DE.

So make sure to mark you calendar now if you plan to attend.  It's never too early!

We have room!!!!

Kids at the Reunion

Bob Tipton, Jr. and son Jesse Tipton

This is a photo of my cousin Bob Tipton with his son Jesse Tipton.  Bob is the son of my first cousin Bob, Sr.  

This is what I like about family reunions, meeting cousins for the first time.  This is the first time I've met my cousin Bob's son and his son Jesse.

My friend Mark H. took this very iconic photo of Father and Son.  This is what I also like about family reunions (as opposed to class reunions), moments like this are captured for eternity.  

I wish more children had come to our reunion but it was not to be.  The pavilion I rented had a cool and complete playground right next to it too.  We had four kids at the reunion.  They enjoyed the playground.

I doubt if I'll arrange any more family reunions, but I am glad the folks to this one had a good time.  

Jesse with his dad Bob, Jr.

Many thanks again to my good friend Mark H. of Our Simple Lives for all the fabulous photos he took of my family reunion.

Mark downloading his photos to a flash drive for me

Rejection

Who hasn't been rejected at one or more times in their life?  We all have.  There are no exceptions.  I think what matters in our life is how we handle rejection.

Me (right with arms folded) with my two younger brothers and my Aunt Mabel (next to me) and my Mother - 1950 - a very insecure boy

When I was younger (from 1 to 17 years of age), I didn't handle rejection well.  I was totally cowed.  Being raised in a household where my father was consistent in his putdowns of me, I was effectively brainwashed into believing that I was unworthy to occupy space in this world.  I wish I could say my Mother compensated for my father's thoughtless cruelty but she didn't.  My Mother was too busy raising three very active sons and keeping the family together in spite of my father's numerous infidelities during the early years of their marriage.  In the later years my father quit working (at 51 years of age) and my Mother went to work to support the family. She wasn't around, she was at Pepperridge Farms with her sister-in-law on the layer cake line doing their best Lucy and Ethel impersonations.

My Mom and Dad with their three young boys - "Pop" didn't really want us - check out the body English - no hugs from him.....ever

When I was in third grade my Mother insisted on me getting a part-time job.  She said "You're going to work."  In retrospect it was perhaps the best decision she ever made for me.  Even better than getting into a fight with my father over his cruelty to me.  

Me - the picture of low self-esteem 1952

She got me a paper boy job.  I had my own paper route at 10 years old.  I learned responsibility.  I didn't have time to sit at home and brood over "woe is me, no one likes me."  I was too busy.  

Every day at the end of the school day I took my bike and went to the Sam Charles News Agency to pick up my sixty plus Philadelphia Evening Bulletins, and 20 or so local paper including the West Chester Daily Local News and the Coatesville Record.  I wish I had pictures of me and my bicycle and those canvas bags of newspapers but I don't.  I didn't get a camera until my 12th birthday and by then I didn't even think of asking anyone to take a photo of me on my bike with my newspapers.

Me getting ready to deliver the Sunday newspapers from our Boot Road home - you can't see my bicycle or newspapers but I remember when this picture was taken because I had to get up early to deliver the newspaper and I wasn't too happy - check out the bags under my eyes

A few years later my Mother also got me a job cleaning offices.  I did that in the evening for .55 cents an hour.  And on the weekends I worked at the Downingtown Farmer's Market at the Brill Brothers Meat Market (how appropriate for a young gay guy) on Friday right after school (I would get off the school bus and go directly to the Farmers Market) and Saturday from 11 am to 11 pm.  Yes, I had three jobs at once.  It wasn't my choice, it was my Mother's choice but I did what I was told.  I didn't question it, and I didn't resent the fact that I had three jobs.  It kept me busy and probably out of trouble but I wasn't the type of kid who got into trouble.

Because I had three jobs I didn't have time for school social activities.  I didn't get involved in after school activities until my junior year at high school.  And that was because I didn't have those jobs any more. The only reason I didn't have those jobs was because we moved to the country and I couldn't walk to my job or ride my bicycle.  

Because I was always outside the mainstream of my fellow classmates and "had to work", I considered myself "less than" because I didn't have the privileged life of most of my classmates who didn't have to work, got allowances and were assured of a college education after they finished high school.  My Mother told me when I entered ninth grade "Take a course that you can earn a living at because we can't afford to send you to college."  Another reminder that I was an outsider and "not good enough" but in retrospect a good decision because I took typing (which I am doing now and have always done since 1958 and never regretted) and learned how to make a practical, if not lucrative, living by office management.  

A pause here, I apologize for the length of this posting and lack of photographs (I'll try to put some relevant ones in). As is often the case when I start a post on one subject I sometimes take a left turn and venture into another area.  Now back to our program:

Because I learned self-reliance at an early age I think I gained the resources to handle rejection.  

Oh the times I was rejected in high school.  Because of my lack of self-confidence and awareness that I was "different" (gay or "homosexual" as my gayness was referred to at that time in the Fifties), I think I helped contribute me being rejected.  The worst was in gym class when it came time to choose up teams.  I was almost always the last to be chosen except if there was really a total misfit in gym class.  I used to pray that Charlie Stimson would be in our gym class so I wouldn't suffer the indignity of being chosen last.  And then there was that one time that is forever ingrained in my mind.  All the sides for the teams were chosen and everyone ran out into the field and NO ONE CHOSE ME!  I was left there.  I think that's when I realized I was going to have to learn how to handle total rejection.  

In the years since then I have been rejected thousands of times.  Either for jobs that I applied for (and fired from two jobs), rejected for friendship (many times) or the Big One, rejected for being gay.  Hey folks, you either learn to deal with the rejection or you go crazy or criminal and to me neither one of those was an option.  Of course there is the other option, become hardened and cynical which has been perhaps the greatest challenge for me in my life. I've seen and known those hardened and cynical people.  To me they are not nice people. In fact, they're hardly human.  I don't want to be like them.

Like most people, I want people to like me.  That is a very natural human want and I am no exception.  But I realize that there are those people who don't like me for a number of reasons. Either because I won't let them control me, or I'm not in their social strata or, the Big One again; because I'm gay.  

This past week end I had my family reunion again.  This year I had the least attendees I've ever had. I don't consider the weekend or the reunion a loss because the folks who came really enjoyed it and they like me.  But I can't help but think that a lot of my family members didn't come because this was the year that Bill and I got married, which I publicized extensively.  I'm not one to hide my gayness.  I'm not ashamed of being gay.  Never have been, never will be.  

Just a few minutes ago I went onto Facebook to check a family member to see if they were still Friends.  Nope, gone.  I've been unfriended.  Why?  Probably because I'm gay.  I can think of no other reason.  Rejection.  Yes folks, even at this late stage in my life......rejection again.  

Also, I recently had a scare that a new found friend had found greener pastures.  I saw the specter of rejection again.  Thank God I read that wrong but it did bring to fore that, as much as I think I can handle rejection, you know folks I'm just as vulnerable as I've ever been.  I don't think any of us can ever really handle rejection well.

Me probably contemplating the low turnout at my family reunion this past weekend - I got caught off guard while Mark was testing the lighting for his camera

All I can do is look forward, put my nose to the grindstone, continue on with my life and be the best person that I can to myself, my friends (who don't reject me), my co-workers, my neighbors and the stranger at the supermarket who I let go in front of me in the line because he or she has fewer things than I do.  

I'll admit that sometimes I'm tempted to just go into my bedroom, curl up with a good book and lose myself to the world.  But instead I will "tough it out" and appreciate those who do care for me and let them know that I love and appreciate them. Those who reject me for whatever reason....well....that..... is ..... their loss.... isn't it?  

So there, I think I've made my point and I now feel purged of these negative feelings, for awhile anyway.  

Remember back last spring when a distant relative of mine threatened me with bodily harm if I dared to "step on his parents' property" when I made the trip to visit them in North Carolina for my genealogy research and to also introduce my cousin and his wife to them?  My cousin objected to my "gay lifestyle" and thus banned me from "stepping foot" on their property.  

This weekend I had my family reunion. No one could ban me from my own reunion that I organized and paid for but they should could boycott the reunion and they did.  Still not a good feeling but one that I will get over, I guess.  

I get a hug from my cousin Beth at our family reunion this past weekend

So what was the point of this blog?  Damn if I know.  I guess it's just to say when I think I have everything under control something comes out of left field to remind me that I'm never completely free of being rejected again.  

It'll take me a while but I will concentrate on the good in my life.  That's what I always do when the Dark Clouds appear.  The Black Dog.  Concentrate on how good you have it Ron.  

I have my loving and devoted Bill.  I have a new wonderful BF Pat.  

My new buddy Pat - best thing that has happened to me in a long time

I have my old BF's Lar, Bill B. and Bill P. (lot's of "Bill's").

Me and longtime friend Bill B.

 I have my good neighbors the Murphys.  I have my relatives who love me in spite of my "gay lifestyle."  I have my co-workers (the ones who like me anyway).  I have my health (in spite of my health challenges this year).  I have my many blog friends (an extra bonus in my life which I appreciate greatly).

Me, Anne Marie and Spo - Blogger Buddies!

 I have a wonderful home in a progressive state that respects me as a human being.  God I am so happy that I don't live in one of those ass crazy states like my former home of Pennsylvania or, God forbid Florida, Texas or Arizona or even North Carolina, which I briefly considered building a retirement home.  

Me and my longtime friend Lar - from the 1880's

I have a lot of good in my life folks and I'm not going to let this latest round of rejection throw me off of my game.  Just ain't going to happen.

My friend Ed and I at Just in Thyme last week

Have a great day!

Sandals

Brown Leather Biblical Sandals (for sale on eBay for $19.99)
I don't know about the "big toe" thing

Do you wear sandals?  I don't wear my shoes in our house.  This is a habit I picked up when I moved in with my spouse Bill Kelly in his Pennsauken, New Jersey apartment in 1965.  Bill had spent many years stationed in Japan when he was in the Air Force and that's where he picked up that habit.

Over the years we have frequently asked guests in our house to take off their shoes before entering our house. We do this because do you know where the soles of your shoes have been?  People spit on the ground (an American habit I never understood).  People get gas at a gas station.  Ever look at the ground while you're getting gas.  Ugh!

Then if you're a frequent bar goer check out the floor of the men's room.  Nuff said.  

Of course we have had folks in our house who weren't happy when we have made this request, usually service providers who would rather go tromping through our house with their muddy boots (got that Comcast?)  And then there was the fella who I used to have in to repair my Windows based computer (which I no longer have; him or the Windows based computer) who just ignored my request.  He would bug his eyes at me and just walk in my house, engineer boots and all.

A few months ago I met a delightful gentleman (in every sense of the word) from Toronto, Canada.  If you're a regular reader of this blog you know his name is Pat.  When Pat entered our house I didn't have to ask him to remove his shoes, he didn't have shoes.  He was wearing sandals.  And he removed them on his own and not only that, he turned them upside down.  As I said, a real gentleman in every sense of the word.  

My buddy Pat in his de rigueur sandals

Pat told me he wears sandals "all of the time."  He wore his sandals to work.  He wears his sandals when he shops.  Of course in his house he doesn't wear his sandals, he goes about in stocking feet.  

Pat's feet

His rationale is "Why cover your feet?  Let them breath?"  I have to say, I'm starting to seriously think about this. I never got the wearing loafers without socks.  That seemed painful to me.  Plus, your feet sweat so I never got that style.  But wearing sandals with socks, yes.  

So folks, I'm thinking of changing my style.  Hmmm, do you think I can get away with wearing sandals at work?  Probably not.

This weekend at my family reunion I noticed footwear.  Apparently I'm not the only one who is into sandals.  

Footwear at Sunday's family reunion - sneakers, moccasins, and flip-flops 

Dueling flip-flops and moccasins -sans socks

Some folks just have to be different