Bill Still In The Hospital, Monday, January 18, 2021

 

I awoke this morning about 6:30 AM to an empty house again. For the first time since Bill's fall last Thursday I felt the slightest glimmer of relief from my profound sadness of losing Bill. Maybe this was a result of talking to my friend Glenn on FaceTime yesterday about the loss of his longtime love Mike last month. He said when it got almost unbearable he took the advice of a psychiatrist whom he was seeing in his youth when he considered suicide because he was so depressed about his sexuality. The psychiatrist said to close your eyes and if you see a light, then there is hope. No matter how small the light, there is hope. I felt that this morning folks. Not much but there was something. Maybe my imagination, I don't know but even if I'm psyching myself, if this helps me to get through this...

I'm thinking of Bill and how often he said he's tired of living after he lost his sight (macular degeneration) a couple of years ago. He could no longer work on his electrical projects. He so loved working on those projects. This house is so wired up now I'll have to have an electrical contractor in to straighten things out. But Bill, being the thoughtful person he is, has tags all over the outlets explaining what they do. That's Bill, always, always, always, thinking of me. Always wanting to make life easy for me. Even my quarterly trips with Pat, he always missed me when I went away but said "I want you to be happy Ron."  That's Bill, the most selfless person I ever met. That's what true love is.

I'm rambling. But it helps me to write about this. I get some relief. 

This morning, for the first time, I thought about what I told Bill should he die. He never has to worry about me any more. Right now I know, as he lays in that hospital bed in the ICU unit of Thomas Jefferson Hospital in Philadelphia, he is worried sick about me and how I am coping. But if he passes away, he never has to worry about me again. We've had that conversation many times the past year or so as his health declined. I kept reminding him how he felt when he went under anesthesia for a medical procedure a few years ago. He didn't remember going under or coming out. He was just there. I told him that's the way death is. You don't know anything. It's just when you're alive that there is all this pain and worry. One thing I definitely didn't want was for me to die first. I could not leave Bill to deal with life without me and he said he wouldn't. He would kill himself because he would have nothing to live for. So as much pain as this is for both of us now, him worrying about me while he lays in his hospital bed and be sick with grief working about him and not being able to care for him, if he should pass before me, that is best. Now, if he does come home after recovering from this emergency and can come to his home here which he loves, sit in his sun room, watch the weather pattern on his iPad, listening to my stories about my latest experiences at the hotel; that's good too. I am so thankful he didn't have a stroke, and knows who I am. 

Another thing Glenn brought up yesterday was that we who are so fortunate to find the love of our life, we do pay a great price when one of them departs. Oh how true that is. I always knew this day would come but I pushed it to the back of my mind. Hopefully that day is still off a way and Bill can come home after recovering and physical therapy so he can get around here at home.

Right now I am washing his big fluffy bathroom that he loves to sleep in. I'm going to give his bedroom a thorough vacuum cleaning, something which I could never do when he was here (he didn't like me moving things around him his bedroom which he has a shrine to me - way too many pictures of me). 

I'll call Bill's nurse in about an hour (9 AM) to see if I can talk to him by FaceTime. I haven't heard anything from the doctors all weekend and may not today because of the Martin Luther King national holiday, but I want to find out if his recovery is progressing normally.

To sum up after my rambling, I have come to the acceptance that if and when Bill passes, he will be at peace. He will never have to worry about my welfare again. From that day we met in July on 1964 he has been my father, brother, son and protector. He has been my life. And I hope I can survive without him.

Bill Still In Hospital January 17th, 2021

 

Bill and me July 4, 2009. That is Bill's lawn mowing hat. He put those extra doo dads on for our neighbor Barbara

This morning I woke up at 4:30 AM for a bathroom visit. Couldn't get back to sleep. All my memories of me and Bill flooded back into my brain. I tried to get back to sleep but couldn't. 

Best to get up and do something, to take my mind off of the huge sadness of these memories of me and Bill together, at least temporarily. I decided that I'm going to chronicle this latest chapter of the Ron and Bill Story.

I always knew this day would come. It was always in the back of my mind. Of course, like most young people when they are you, you think you are going to live forever.With me and Bill, I thought we would be together forever in good health. It was inevitable that one of us would decline. Whenever that thought came into my mind, I pushed it way in the back of my mind. I just didn't want to think about it. One thing is I didn't want to go first and leave Bill all alone. I just could not do that to him. This man who has devoted his whole life to me. This man who is the most selfless person I have ever met. 

That rainy Saturday evening July 3, 1964 when I went over to Bill in the Westbury Bar Philadelphia, PA (the gay bar where I hung out with my friends) to thank him for the many drinks he had sent over to me for the past three months or so, little did I realize that Heaven had chosen for me my mate for life. I won't go into all the details but it wasn't love at first sight for me (it was for Bill) but I grew to love him that on this day I just cannot imagine living without him. I cannot. 

All the good years we had together. Oh sure, there were "bumps" along the way. He had some terrific arguments but we always stayed together or shall I say Bill always stayed with me during my foolishness. 

Bill wants to go now but is torn between leaving me "unprotected" and wanting is well earned rest after ninety-two years of living.

When I talked to him yesterday on FaceTime (which is difficult because he doesn't quite understand how it works and doesn't look into the camera to make eye contact), he was uncomfortable and agitated. I found out later that the nurses had just changed his sheets and had to roll him over. He said, out of frustration "I want to die!" I know how he feels. But then I saw him tightened his lips, suppressing a cry. God, this breaks my heart. 

The past few months Bill and I have talked about our end of life. I mentioned that it would be best if we went together. Bill liked that idea. Didn't encourage it but seemed more relaxed about the situation. But of course we couldn't that voluntarily. I'm too chicken and I wouldn't want to be in a murder-suicide pact. I often thought an accidental gas leak int he house and we just didn't wake up. Oh how perfect that would be. We wouldn't even knew we died and there would not be this paid of potential loss for me and Bill's pain of leaving me. I know that is what is tearing Bill up, not being able to watch out for me. 

He has this lighting contraption fixed up in his bedroom to show when the garage door is open, which I have accidentally left open overnight. Now he won't be here to monitor and protect me. 

I protect Bill too. He doesn't like to take phone calls, deal with outside help, manage the household except for the handyman part. He was so worried that I wouldn't know how to mow the grass which was one of his main jobs. For years I promised him I would learn how to ride our John Deere riding tractor. Last year I finally did, after a near miss of plowing down my neighbor's fence during my initial run, and he was so proud of me. He said I looked so "butch" riding our John Deere. All this summer he would sit on the back deck and watch me circle our one acre of land, mowing our back yard. I got pretty good at it too. Oh how I wish he could see me again this year but I have this sinking feeling he won't be able to. 

"Sinking feeling", that's what I have every day now. 

I have this sinking feeling that although he's getting the best care possible at Jefferson Hospital, I know he uncomfortable and just wants to be home with me. I know he's worried about me (he always is) but he knows this could be the end of his life. All I want now is to send a few more months or more with him here at home. To be with him, listen to him tell his memories of his childhood and his Army and Air Force Days. I just want to be with him a little more. 

My heart is breaking.

 

Bill choking up when I heard me tell him I love him

This is where Bill is now, in the Intensive Care Unit of Thomas Jefferson Hospital, Philadelphia, PA. Even though Bill is getting the best care, this breaks my heart. 

This is when I got through to him on FaceTime yesterday. He has macular degeneration and is hard of hearing doesn't have his hearing aid with him but he heard and recognized me. My poor Bill. 

I was reluctant to post these pictures but decided to anyway to show you the brutality of our situation today. Bill and I have often said that when our time came we wish it was quick, not this way. 

The bruises on Bill's head and cheekbone are from his fall after his passed out from his a-fib condition. He hit his head on the dresser. I don't know how long was on the floor before I found him on the floor of his basement bedroom when I got up Thursday morning and he wasn't waiting for me in the sunroom like he always did in the morning. We had our usual routine when I rounded the corner from my bedroom next to the kitchen and said "Good morning Billy!" Then he would come over and sit in the high stool chair next to the kitchen sink while I poured him a small glass of peach juice, which he so loved, and I started cutting strawberries for my cereal breakfast. Bill would always give me a hug and a kiss, every morning. Sometimes I would start to go about my business and he would say "Oh no! You're not getting away with that, give me a hug and a kiss!" That was our little routine every morning. Then I would discuss what I was going to do that day. And I would include when I would take him for his daily ride. Sometimes we couldn't do the daily ride and he would know it. But whenever I went out, he went along. Since he developed macular generation he had to cut back on all his electronic projects, which took up a lot of his time and would sit most of the day in his Archie Bunker chair in our sunroom. Of course that chair is empty now and that's killing me too.

I have to stop now, said enough for today. 

This has helped, in a way. Painful to dredge up old memories but helpful in that I'm doing something to help my mind escape the inevitable. 

I'm getting tired now, I may lie down and take a short nap. I can see the sky lightening from the window to the right of me here in my home office. The time now is 6:50 AM. This reminds me of many years ago when Bill's favorite dog (Pomeranian) died in his arms at dawn, just before sunlight. If there is a Heaven, Bill will be with her again. She always made Bill so happy and Bill has made my life so happy.

Update on Bill In Hospital

 

Bill's Christmas lights

Bill is still in the ICU unit of Thomas Jefferson Hospital in Philadelphia. 

I've talked to him several times on FaceTime. His nurse was very kind to offer her personal iPhone to make this happen.

Bill is still somewhat confused. It's hard talking to him on FaceTime because he doesn't have his hearing aid (it's here) and he never did learn how to look into the iPhone. I tried many times to teach him here at home so I could communicate via FaceTime when I was away with Pat on one of my quarterly trips. I finally gave up and sent him e-mails, which he was more comfortable with. He couldn't figure out the text message thing either. However, I am so grateful that his ICU nurse offered the use of her iPhone so I could see Bill.

The doctors are now giving him blood thinner medication to treat the four blood clots he has in his lungs. I assume the bleeding in his brain (which I think was caused by his two falls) has subsided. They asked my permission to do brain surgery if the bleeding increased in his brain so they could take down the swelling. Of course I turned that down as Bill would want me too.

This morning I didn't manage to get a reaction out of Bill when I told him I love him. He loves hearing that from me here at home. He started to tear up. Then I tried to tell him something else but I don't think he could hear me. He doesn't look directly into the camera on the iPhone so I'm not making direct eye contact with me but he knows it's me by my voice.

His nurse suggested that I set up a time to call him every day. We set up a time at 9 AM and 3 PM.  I called him at 3 PM but it was delayed by about fifteen minutes. When I did get through to him he was very agitated.  With his eyes closed he was squirming in his bed and saying "I just want to die". I shouted to him "Bill, don't say that."  Then he stopped but I could see he was very frustrated.  I couldn't figure out why. He pleaded for a drink of water from his nurse. She gave him a drink and said "How was that?"  Bill said "You don't want to know." Then she said "Would you like it cold?" He said "Yes."  And he's not talking in normal conversational tone of voice. I can tell he's very agitated even though he's getting the best care possible in the world at Thomas Jefferson Hospital. During an earlier call he told me I owe all his nurses a dinner out "on you credit card!" (what was that all about?) because they have been so nice to him. But after this conversation I was bothered so I called about an hour later and asked if I had awakened him up with my phone call. She said I hadn't but they had just changed his sheets and had to turn him over. I think he was still hurting from his fall here at home because when the EMT guys picked him up he was yelling in pain.

Folks, I have to tell  you I am a mess here. I knew this would be bad but I didn't think it would be this bad. Not to dwell on myself but I am now feeling so guilty for all those times I was annoyed with Bill. For not spending more time with him. 

Oh I hope and pray (not religious here) that he will come home and I can give him quality time for the rest of his life be that months or even years (which is what I'm hoping for). But from seeing him today, he's not ready to come home yet. 

I've been trying to cope here but I don't think I've been very successful. Writing in my journal and writing this blog helps. Also calling friends which I did late this afternoon when I had a three way FaceTime conversation with Pat and Don. Thank God I have them to help me through this, the most difficult time of my life so far. 

The photo at the begging of this blog is of the Christmas light I have strung across the sun room (Bill's favorite sitting place) to the living room. Bill so loves those lights. We keep them up all year. Only problem now is those lights seem to be missing Bill as much as I miss him. 

This is hard folks. Very hard.d 

Bill has devoted his whole life unselfishly to me. He has never wavered in the fifty-six years we've been together. He has literally always been there for me, even after my most foolish escapades (of which I am too ashamed to even tell you about and I won't). Bill never wavered, not once, always, always, always there for me. I so want to have the opportunity to have him here at home again where he is so happy with his colorful Christmas lights (he hates the plain white ones). I want the opportunity to make him comfortable and happy, just the two of us. My heart is breaking seeing him like this. That I can't hold him and tell him I love him. 

Ever since he lost his sight (macular degeneration which they discovered when his cataract surgery didn't work), he has been so frustrated because he couldn't do his electrical projects. But even with his bad eyesight he has managed to put tags on all his electrical work just in case he's not around anymore. That's Bill, always, always, always looking out for me. Always doing for me. I don't deserve him. Why I was so fortunate to have him in my life all these years I do not know. But I did know I was one of the chosen few who had such a special relationship. I always knew. But I too often I took Bill for granted. 

No more. 

Bill Is In The Hospital

 

Bill with Sparky, one of his favorite dogs - 1972

As I type this blog entry, Bill is at the Thomas Jefferson University Hospital in Philadelphia, PA. He was helicoptered there yesterday afternoon after the doctors at the local hospital emergency room determined that he was near death from blood clots in his lungs.

I was very reluctant to post this information but now that I am over the initial shock of finding Bill unconscious on the floor of his bedroom yesterday morning and had to call 911, I am writing this information, bad as it is, as a continuation of the saga of the life of me and Bill. 

First of all, briefly, Bill's medical condition. He had bleeding on the brain (probably from the fall yesterday and the one a few days ago in the kitchen on the hard tile floor) which made the doctors' reduction to administer blood thinner medicine for the blood clots in his lungs. A further ultra sound found blood clots in his legs as well. Last night they inserted a medical filter device to prevent those blood clots from going to his heart and killing him.

I had several discussions with the doctors in what to do in the worst case scenario (which is still hard for me to fathom) but what Bill and I have always agreed on, no extra and above medical procedures to keep him alive. Minor surgery list the device to block those blood clots in his legs were all right but no brain surgery. At Bill's age even if he survived the brain surgery (to relieve the swelling from the bleeding in his brain of which there is no guarantee of recovery) his quality of life wouldn't be worth living. Same thing with resuscitation (breaking of his ribs) to get his pulse going again.

I was almost over the edge last night with concern that Bill would die. I just cannot imagine my life without Bill. Fifty-six years is a long time to spend with one person, sharing your most intimate thoughts and everything.  Bill has devoted his whole life to me, without him I have a hard time imagining even existing as a whole person. 

While talking to his nurse in the ICU unit last night she asked me if I wanted to FaceTime with Bill. Would I? YES! That brought me to tears. She took her personal iPhone and I talked to Bill on FaceTime. He was in and out of it but he did know who I was. He didn't know where he was or how he got there (he finally got his helicopter ride but what a way to get it), but he DID KNOW ME.

Since then I've talked to him several times on FaceTime (making a pain out of myself with his nurse but she's so nice) and he's a little more with it. 

I think he's over the most critical period now. They're going to start doing physical therapy with him now. His doctors have prescribed blood thinning medication. I was given the option of sending him to rehab or have him come home here. Of course I want him home. They warned me that I might have a problem lifting him (Bill weighs about 180 lbs) but I assured him that I can manage with the occasional help of my neighbor who also helps another one of our neighbors who has a propensity to fall. 

I called in to work to take a leave of absence. I will be here full-time to take care of Bill. 

I just cannot wait until Bill comes home. This is not a home without Bill. When I came back last night I saw several things right off the bat that reminded me of Bill. The overripe bananas that he so loves. His uneaten Werther's candy cream that he so loves.

Bill and I have often talked about when the day would come that one of us would check out. That one of us would die. We all get our turn. 

We agreed that it is best that Bill goes first. Of course he's worried about me but I can take care of myself. Except maybe psychologically. If I died before, Bill said he would kill himself because he would have no reason to live. Actually Bill would go crazy. I know Bill. Also, Bill is tired. He's often said he's tired of living but only stays around because of me. And I have to admit I'm selfish, I want him around. But what I have also told him is that when he dies it's like going under anesthesia, he doesn't know anything. So there is no need to worry about me. He will have that eternal rest that we all here about that is our eventual reward. I don't believe in Heaven or Hell but if there is an afterlife, it is Heaven. If and when Bill dies he will be reunited with his pets, friends, relatives, parents, my parents, and so many others we have know who passed on. Bill has outlived almost all of them.

I have been so fortunate to have Bill in my life for the past fifty-six years, but I am greedy. I want him just a little bit longer. 

I'm not religious folks except now. Pray for Bill and pray for me. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I hope I can make it through. I have to admit that sometimes I feel like just laying down and going to sleep and never waking up.  But of course I would never do that as long as Bill is alive. I am here to take care of him. I am privileged to take care of him.

This afternoon I called another friend who recently lost his longtime partner/husband. It was good to talk to him. Ironically he had sent me a letter that I received last night when I came home from work at the hotel to a house empty of Bill, there was his letter from him. I had never talked to him before but to his husband who had been following my blog for many years. He informed me that his husband was ill the past two years and he was caring for him all that time. I did not know that. I wondered why he stopped commenting on my blog. He did tell me how much his husband like my blog. Now I feel guilty for not posting more often. It was good to talk to him (which we did for about two hours I'm embarrassed to say) over FaceTime. Then we had a three way conversation with Pat, my Rock of Gibralter. What would I do without Pat?  See how fortunate I am? If I didn't have Pat, I can't even comprehend that life.

The latest information from Bill's doctors (and I may be repeating myself here) is that they're doing physical therapy on Bill now to get him up and moving around. I will have to go to a physical therapy class. Then I can bring Bill home and maybe have more time with him. Oh God, I hope I can have more time with him. After all, I need somebody to eat those blackened bananas.

Assault On Our Democracy

Insurrectionists at the Capitol Building beating a police officer to death

 Last Wednesday I was sitting at this computer updating my online Scrabble games with Pat. As usual, I had my TV on to my right as background noise. I rarely sit in front of my TV and just watch TV except for my Netflix movies. 

On my TV was live coverage of the Senate's ceremonial verification of the Electoral College votes for the presidency. I was aware that Trump wanted his vice president Pence to do something he wasn't authorized to do, not accept the Electoral College results naming Joe Biden President and Kamala Harris Vice President. Of course Pence, whatever you think of him and I don't much think of him with respect, even Pence wasn't going to do something which he wasn't authorized to do by law, overturn the results of the free and fair election in which more voters voted for Biden than Trump.

As I was concentrating on my seven tile board to perhaps score another BINGO, I heard a lot of shuffling and words of concern on my TV. I turned around to look and I saw members of the House running for safety while the Capitol building was under assault from Trump inspired seditionists and traitors, seeking to overthrow the election results by force. For the next eight hours I was riveted to the TV, at times in disbelief and other times angered. And then I was saddened to realize that so many of my fellow Americans were so easily conned by such an obvious con man as Trump.

Like 9/11, I will always remember where I was when these traitors assaulted our seat of democracy. I will remember where I was when Trump and his enablers  tried to keep him in power by a violet coup.

I have no doubt that these traitors intended to harm and even kill lawmakers like Nancy Pelosi and even Mike Pence, who they shouted they wanted to hang.

We are witnessing history folks. There is so much going on in our lives today and in my life. This morning I woke up to find my Bill on the floor in the kitchen, unable to get up. I will go into more detail later but Bill is 92 years old and failing physically. I was able to get him up off the floor (he doesn't remember how he fell) and I will closely monitor him a I have been doing for some months now. 

Stay safe folks. We'll get through this.

Staying Safe During The COVID Pandemic

 

Deaths from COVID are rising dramatically across the United States. This dramatic rise has to do with families getting together for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's.  These family gatherings and public celebratory gatherings are super spreader events.

Bill and I haven't participated in any of these super spreader events. However, we are exposed nonetheless.  I shop at our local supermarket several times a week. I work at the hotel twice a week. Our neighbor visits us at least once a week. He never wears a mask. In fact, I don't think he even possesses a mask. He's a good neighbor but he is a total Trumper, buying into Trump's lies about the election and, I'm sure, Trumps lies about the seriousness of the COVID pandemic. I know he goes fishing several times a week with his buddies. Also, during the holidays he had various family member visit him.

Me and Bill, even before this pandemic hit, stay pretty much to ourselves. We never have company over. We used to years ago, but Bill preferred not to have company. At this time of his life, I'm trying to make Bill's life as stress free as possible so no company.

One of my really big worries that I try not to think too much about is me dying before Bill. Bill is so dependent on me both emotionally and taking care of our home life management and doctor's appointments. I can tell you right now, if I'm gone Bill won't be too long behind me.

Here I am talking about life and death again. But this is something I have to seriously consider. 

If I should die I think about all that I haven't done but then it won't matter if I die because I wouldn't know the difference, would I? I'm often concerned with what would happen to my "things" (photos, furniture, journals, paintings, et al) if and when I die. Again, it doesn't really matter does it because once I'm dead, I won't know the difference. Of course I'm still trying to reconcile this fact in my mind so I'm comfortable with letting go of all those "things." Still I can't help but be saddened to know that so much that I have worked for and accumulated during my long life will be trashed. And yes folks, that is what will happen, trashed. But I have some solace in knowing that I enjoyed these "things" while I was alive.

I hope I'm here next year or at least when this whole COVID pandemic has receded from our every day life. Like millions (billions) of my fellow inhabitants of this earth, I am so looking forward to life going back to normal. Life when sports stadiums are filled with cheering fans, when families can get together during the holidays, weddings, reunions and just living together. When all this fear and sadness is just a memory like the Spanish Flu pandemic of 1918. One thing I am thankful for that his pandemic didn't happen during my prime working years. I just can't imagine trying to survive without a paycheck like so many families are trying to now.

Stay safe everyone. 

Tipton Family Association of America Reunion Aug 16th & 17th 1996

Another old VHS video, this one of the Tipton Family Association of America held at the Tipton-Haynes Historic Site in Johnson City, Tennessee April 16th and 17th, 1996.

I really have to take time to figure out how to edit my raw old VHS videos. Maybe that will be one of my New Year's resolutions. But until that time, I'm going to post this raw, unedited version of videos that I took when I attended a TFAA (Tipton Family Association of America) reunion at Johnson City, Tennessee. 

I drove down with my nephew Isaac "Ike" Tipton III, the son of my brother Isaac, who did not attend. Brother Isaac never attends my reunions, it's his thing. However, we did meet my other brother John and his wife Barbara at the reunion. They drove up from their home in Greenville, South Carolina. 

There are some long stretches on this video that are undoubtedly boring to most of you, but I thought the little interchange between me and brother John at the outhouse was interesting. 

For those of you who are devoted followers of this blog and find everything I post about fascinating and interesting, including myself which as you know I post a LOT about (after all this blog is about ME), enjoy this video. I know I did.

Above, me and brother John at a much earlier outhouse (1947), which visiting our step-aunt Mary in Compass, Pennsylvania.