|Bill getting on the American Legion van early this morning for his appointment at the Wilmington VA - I'm on my own now (for a few hours anyway)|
Today is one of those rare days when I am in this house alone. Unlike some other folks who I will not name, I don't hit the panic button when I am alone. Rather, I savor and relish these few hours that I have our house ALL TO MYSELF. No explaining what I'm doing, when I'm doing it and why I am doing it. FREEDOM. I can come and go as I please without justifications and explanations. FREEDOM.
I'm taking a chance posting on this subject. The last time I posted about the treat of being alone, Bill read my blog and was very hurt. He hasn't been reading my blog as of late so I'm hoping he will miss this one.
Bill doesn't like me writing about our relationship, he thinks it is private. He is right but our relationship is a big part of my life. By not writing about our relationship in my therapeutic blog is leaving out a big chunk of why I have a blog.
This morning I read a blog of one of my favorite bloggers. He wrote of his parent's 52 year marriage. He wrote:
"it remains a puzzlement and a wonder to me how people do this viz. live together for decades without driving each other to drink or distraction."
I don't know about other couples, but I know our 48 year old relationship lasted because we love one another in spite of our many differences. Have we had fights? You bet. In fact we've had some doozies of battles. In fact, a few times I even prepared leave. But I could never imagine my life without Bill.
Is our life perfect? A simple answer, no. We have a strong relationship that will never be broken. I would never leave Bill.
Yet there are times like today when I really appreciate this little bit of space. Bill retired twenty-three years ago. He has always stayed home since that time. My "alone" time is when I go to work, shopping or go on vacation alone. Bill and I have one of those rare gay relationships where we don't have to travel together unlike almost all other gay couples I know who seem to be always joined at the hip whenever they leave their house. I remember all those years I used to vacation in Provincetown, Mass where I seemed to be the only lone gay traveler among all the gay couples and groups. They always struck me as being very fearful of traveling alone. I never quite understood that fear. Very clingy and always extra loud laughter to let everyone know they were really having a GOOD TIME.
I haven't vacationed in Provincetown since the early Nineties. My "vacations" have been at home, with Bill. I probably didn't realize that all those years of Provincetown vacations was my time alone. These days my time alone is when I go to work two nights a week at the hotel, but then I'm not really alone am I? So that's why I appreciate these few hours I have alone this morning. Not that I still don't love Bill and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I do. But it is nice to have a few hours alone this morning.