Monday, September 10, 2012

A Time Alone

Bill getting on the American Legion van early this morning for his appointment at the Wilmington VA - I'm on my own now (for a few hours anyway)

Today is one of those rare days when I am in this house alone.  Unlike some other folks who I will not name, I don't hit the panic button when I am alone.  Rather, I savor and relish these few hours that I have our house ALL TO MYSELF.  No explaining what I'm doing, when I'm doing it and why I am doing it. FREEDOM.  I can come and go as I please without justifications and explanations.  FREEDOM.

I'm taking a chance posting on this subject.  The last time I posted about the treat of being alone, Bill read my blog and was very hurt.  He hasn't been reading my blog as of late so I'm hoping he will miss this one.

Bill doesn't like me writing about our relationship, he thinks it is private.  He is right but our relationship is a big part of my life.  By not writing about our relationship in my therapeutic blog is leaving out a big chunk of why I have a blog.

This morning I read a blog of one of my favorite bloggers.  He wrote of his parent's 52 year marriage.  He  wrote:

"it remains a puzzlement and a wonder to me how people do this viz. live together for decades without driving each other to drink or distraction." 

I don't know about other couples, but I know our 48 year old relationship lasted because we love one another in spite of our many differences.  Have we had fights?  You bet.  In fact we've had some doozies of battles. In fact, a few times I even prepared leave.  But I could never imagine my life without Bill.

Is our life perfect?  A simple answer, no.  We have a strong relationship that will never be broken.  I would never leave Bill.

Yet there are times like today when I really appreciate this little bit of space.  Bill retired twenty-three years ago.  He has always stayed home since that time.  My "alone" time is when I go to work, shopping or go on vacation alone.  Bill and I have one of those rare gay relationships where we don't have to travel together unlike almost all other gay couples I know who seem to be always joined at the hip whenever they leave their house.  I remember all those years I used to vacation in Provincetown, Mass where I seemed to be the only lone gay traveler among all the gay couples and groups.  They always struck me as being very fearful of traveling alone.  I never quite understood that fear.  Very clingy and always extra loud laughter to let everyone know they were really having a GOOD TIME.

I haven't vacationed in Provincetown since the early Nineties.  My "vacations" have been at home, with Bill.  I probably didn't realize that all those years of Provincetown vacations was my time alone.  These days my time alone is when I go to work two nights a week at the hotel, but then I'm not really alone am I?  So that's why I appreciate these few hours I have alone this morning.  Not that I still don't love Bill and want to spend the rest of my life with him.  I do.   But it is nice to have a few hours alone this morning.


nitewrit said...


Everyone needs some time along now and then. It's healthy and makes relationships stronger. That can be part of the secret of people being together 52 years, a little space now an again. Lo and I are a week away from our 52nd anniversary and my parents had their 72nd in June.

And Lo and I have our together times and alone times.


Mark said...

Very nice, Ron. Yes, a "few hours" is good.
If you're referring to me as one who hits the "panic button" when faced with being alone, Guilty! I don't like it at all but I could handle a few hours I suppose.
I guess there is no right or wrong when it comes to relationships. Whatever works, huh?
Enjoy your time.

Ron said...

Thanks Mark. Actually, I wasn't referring to you and Fred, I was thinking of Dr. Spo who usually goes into a panic when Someone leaves. Not that he is the only one, I know couples down here where one cannot go ANYWHERE without the other one. And I mean NO WHERE! I'm not knocking it, whatever works for you I say. However, I was always a little put off when I went on vacation alone and always had a hard time breaking into the traveling gay cliques and couples. They stuck together like glue, believe me and no one, let alone solo me, was allowed in. Very interesting phenom that I never quite got used to.
Bill just called. He's on the way home and yes, I am looking forward to seeing him again but these few hours alone without having to explain anything was NICE.

Ron said...


Yours is one of the few relationships, gay or straight that I know of that the spouse allows you to travel without them. But believe me, almost all of the couples I know travel TOGETHER - NO EXCEPTIONS. The only thing I can figure out is that they are insecure in their relationship. But hey, whatever works for you.


anne marie in philly said...

spouse and I have done (2 each) separate trips this year. we will do one trip together in october. alone time is WONDERFUL; each person gets to recharge the batteries. and we will be together 20 years next month. as billy joel sang, "it's a matter of trust".

Harpers Keeper said...

I was interested to read your reference to Bill having hurt feelings about something he read in your blog and talking through differing ideas of privacy. We've confronted that a few times in our house as well.

Congrats on continuing commitment to make it work over the long haul. It inspires me.

Ron said...


The most difficult part of our relationship is that Bill doesn't see my need for an occasional "time alone." He needs constant reassurance that I love him. I do love him and will always be with him but I do need some time alone just to breath. I think his insecurity comes from having lost his father at age one.
Many couples fight about money or fidelity. Neither one of those has ever been an issue in our relationship. The number one source of contention in our relationship is his need for constant attention. It drains me sometimes. But we work it out.

Thank you for your comment. Always appreciated.