So how am I doing now after learning of the potential news that I may be down the road to prostate cancer? Pretty good actually, which surprises me. This is new event in my life is just another challenge that I have to meet. I don't feel the dread that I thought I would feel. My main worry was what would happen to Bill if I wasn't around anymore. We had a talk last night and we pretty well resolved that question. I feel a lot more comfortable now should I go down that road after jumping through all the hoops that await me now because of my high PSA score.
I thought I would have trouble sleeping last night but I didn't. I slept like I usually do, totally out. When I wake up in the morning my mouth is dry as dessert sand (I must sleep with my mouth open) and I feel like I have arisen from the dead. For the past two or three years I've been sleeping these really deep sleeps. Nothing wakes me up and I mean nothing.
This morning I was going to get up early and take a walk on the boardwalk in Rehoboth Beach. But I didn't wake up until 7:30, which is too late to go to the beach. I usually get up at 5 am, wash up, shave and have breakfast and am out of her by 6 am. I'm usually back here by 7:30 so this morning's walk was out of the question. Instead Bill and I did our Saturday Morning Thrift Shop Tour.
We usually visit the Beebe Hospital Thrift shop and the Encore Thrift shop during our tour. The Encore Thrift shop is run by a local gay theater group. Their "junk" has a flare that is right up my alley. I always find something there. This morning was no exception. As I was checking out with Wayne and his spouse Stefan I told them that when I die that ALL OF MY STUFF is willed to their thrift shop. Wayne said "I'll be gone long before you." I thought to myself "Don't bet on it Wayne." But I have left instructions in my will that I just had redone a couple of months ago that anything Bill doesn't want goes to the thrift shop. Bill was so worried about what he would do with all my "stuff" if I should die before him. The answer is Encore gets it all. Of course they will probably have to get new facilities to handle all my stuff because I think I have more now than they have in their whole store. It's all good junk so I don't think they will mind.
How am I doing mentally now? Well, if my Mother was still alive I would feel very bad. She always feared that her children would die before her. My Aunt Peg has three children, two daughters and a son. They ALL died of natural causes before she did. My Aunt Peg died in her nineties a few years after her last daughter died. She was living with her granddaughter's family and grandson. My Mother always said "I hope I don't end up like Peg."
Ron and Sal, two of my longtime good friends have been gone several years now. My good friend Bob Mc. has dementia and hardly knows what day it is. If I died tomorrow I doubt if he would remember it the next day. I have other friends, one of whom (Lar) would probably miss me a great deal (as I would miss him should he die). We were best friends growing up in Downingtown and after a thirty year intermission during our adult years, we renewed our close friendship after 9/11, in the aftermath of all the corporate downsizing when so many of us middle managers lost our jobs. And of course Bill. When I discuss this possibility with him he says not to worry because he "will take care of things." I don't know quite what to think about this but I don't know what else to do.
My brothers will miss me. I have many nieces and nephews but I've always been a distant figure to them ("Uncle Ronnie") so I doubt that my passing would be more than a blip on their screen of life. That's okay. Life goes on.
So this is how I'm doing now. I feel a little other worldly, like I'm on the outside looking in. But I don't feel devastated or panicky like I did when I was carrying two mortgages and couldn't sell my Pennsylvania house and was facing a financial abyss and the loss of everything I worked for my whole life.
Of course I hope all this heavy thinking is an overreaction on my part and when I take my repeat test for PSA levels next Friday it will turn out that everything is normal and I can go back to more important things like complaining about showing up at the Friday Night Dine Out Group and no one else shows up. You know it's funny how that little episode in my life seems so silly now that I have this new Question in my life.
It's all about perspective isn't it? Sometimes Fate slaps you in the face to bring you back to what is really important in life.