Mom

Betty Louise Hadfield - 1939 High School Senior

The crack of an early morning thunderstorm woke me up at 4 am this morning.  I couldn't get back to sleep.  Perhaps because yesterday I received bad news about my Mother.

Mom is now living with my brother John and his wife Barbara and daughter Nancy in Greenville, SC.  She is now 86 years old.  Her health has taken a noticeable downtown in the last year.  In fact, we moved her from her home in Pennsylvania last October, where she lived with my other brother Isaac.  We felt that her health couldn't take another winter in Pennsylvania, and in retrospect that was an good decision given last winter's two back to back blizzards.

Betty Hadfield Tipton with me, "Number 1 Son" - 1941

Like her two older sisters, Mom is also suffering from dementia.  Her oldest sister, Grace, died shortly after being placed in a nursing home.  Mom's other older sister, Jeanette, is still living in a nursing home.  My brothers and I are doing everything we can to keep her out of a nursing home.  We made that promise to her.  We intend to keep it.

My Mom with her older sister Grace - 2005

Yesterday I received bad news from my sister-in-law.  Mom had fallen again.  She has fallen a number of times in the past year but so far, no broken bones.  Barbara also said that her potassium level was discovered to be so low, that the doctor was amazed that she was still alive.

The doctor has since stabilized her potassium levels but I am afraid this is the beginning of the end.  Her body seems to be shutting down.  Mom cannot walk on her own now.  She needs a wheel chair.

She almost always gets names confused.  John doesn't even correct her now when she calls him "Isaac."

Brother John with Mom working a puzzle 2010

My father died ten years ago on August 22, 2000.  He and Mom were married for sixty years.  "Pop" was the only man Mom ever knew.  He was the only man she ever wanted.  When he died, she was never the same.  The past ten years has been a slow decline, accelerated in the past two years.

Mom and Pop 1940 - she's pregnant with Number 1 Son

Mom and Pop - 1982

It doesn't seem that long ago that I was calling her almost every night sharing my life with her.  I have two younger brothers.  I am the Oldest Son.  I was Mom's Number 1 son.  In fact, that's how I always signed all my cards to her......."Number One Son."  Of course this was tongue in cheek but everyone knew we had a special relationship.

Mom and Number One Son - July 2002

Recently I found out some information in my genealogy research about how she got her name "Betty."  I wanted to share this information with her but I can't talk to her now.  She gets too confused.  She doesn't understand what I'm talking about.  I miss talking to my Mother and best friend.

Mom with her Three Boys - 1951

Mom and her Three Boys -  2005

This morning when the thunder woke me up, I felt like this was more than thunder.  I feel like this is a portent of bad news to come.

I don't know how I'm going to handle this.

Mom 2010 - my best friend

Cleaning Out Mom's Bedroom

One of the reasons I left for my Mom's home in Pennsylvania last Thursday was to house sit for my brother Isaac while he and his son (Isaac, III) visited our Mom in Greenville, SC.  She's staying with my youngest brother John and his wife Barbara.  The other reason was to help clean her house of the accumulated clutter of 52 years.  My Mom is a hoarder.

We three brothers convinced her to spend the winter at John's home in the South because we didn't think she would make it through another winter.  In retrospect, we made a very wise decision. 

We promised her that she could return to her home of 52 years come this spring, if only for a visit.  Unfortunately, she is too weak to make the trip to Pennsylvania.  So we decided to clean her house out now since it is very unlikely she will return to her home. 

Brother John was up earlier in the month.  He and Isaac cleaned out her bedroom and Pop's bedroom.  They boxed up a lot of her things and marked the boxes as to the disposition when the inevitable happens.

John took one look at the "back bedroom" (as my Mother called it) and closed the door.  He just wasn't gong to tackle that room.  This is the same room that John and Isaac shared when they were going to school.  Now you can hardly get the door open because there is so much clutter.

I would provide a picture but I'm at my Mom's computer and it doesn't have the software for me to download the pictures.  However, I did take some video with my Flip video camera which I am able to take snapshots of individual frames.  Those are the pictures in this blog.

John told me he left that room for me.  Thank you brother John!

I started to clean that room out Thursday.  I hardly made a dent.  I still couldn't see the floor.

Yesterday I was determined to see the color of the carpet in that room.  After a big push, I cleared out enough to see that it is green.  I was exhausted last night.  I slept like I was dead.

I rose from the dead early this morning thinking about cleaning out that room.  I generally sleep well so you know it's a problem if I'm lying in bed thinking about cleaning out "the back room."

I attacked that room with all my strength today.  I finally made signification headway.  So much so that I could see most of the rug.

 I loaded up the back of my Subaru with several boxes of donations for the Goodwill store in Morgantown, PA.  It was late this Saturday afternoon and I was afraid they would be closed by the time I got there. 

When I rolled into their parking lot I saw that they were not closed and in fact an employee was rolling out two empty donation bins.  What a welcome sight.

I quickly unloaded the back of my car and loaded Mom's "stuff", including the last afghan she was working on (unfinished) into the donation bin.  The Goodwill employee asked me if I wanted a receipt.  I did not. 

A heaving burden has been lifted from my shoulders.  There is still much work to do. 

We've boxed up all of Mom's clothes.  I sent her a large box down by mail this morning.  The woman at the Post Office asked me how I wanted the box delivered.  Overnight would cost $130.00.  $130.00?  Not likely.  She told me that three day delivery would cost $49.00.  Nup.  Not likely either.  I settled for Parcel Post which cost me $19.00.  Mom's fake fur coat is in there along with several of her favorite warm and snuggy nightgowns which I know she misses.  I threw in a couple of her small teddy bears to go along for the ride. 

Cleaning out Mom's bedroom today caused me to think this very obvious question:  who is going to clean out my bedroom when that time comes for me? 

An interesting thought because I have no children, Bill is thirteen years older than me and I assumed he will check out before I will.  I have one nephew and four nieces and several grand nephews and grand nieces.  I don't see any of them cleaning out my "stuff." 

But hey, I'm not going to worry about it now.  I have a family reunion to put on May 16th.

Mom's New Bathroom

On Saturday, October 17, 2009 my brother John (the Baby Brother) and his wife rented a large van and drove from their home in Greenville, South Carolina to our Mom’s home in Downingtown, Pennsylvania where she lived with my other younger brother Isaac, the Middle Brother.

My brothers and I had decided to move our Mom to the milder climate of Greenville for the winter. Mom was reluctant to move of course. She would be moving from the house she had lived in since 1958 and from Pennsylvania where she had lived for all of her eighty six years. However, she was showing the early signs of dementia that both of her older sisters suffered. She also has maneuverability problems and was increasingly in need of another woman to help her with her personal needs. Thus my brothers and I decided that my brother John’s home was the best place for our Mom at this time in her life. My brother’s occupation is a care pastor for his local fundamentalist Baptist church so he is well acquainted with the special needs of his elderly parishioners and very good at taking care of those needs.

John’s home already had a separate “mother-in-law” suite that he built for his mother-in-law who lived with his family until she passed away a few years ago. The suite consisted of a bedroom with a skylight to let in natural light. It also had a bathroom, small living room and a small kitchenette. It also had a modest deck that looked out on the enclosed backyard. It is just the kind of apartment that I would like to have when I’m in my eighties, should I ever be so fortunate to reach that age.

As expected, at first when Mom moved in she was ready to go back to her longtime home in Pennsylvania the following week. We explained to her that it wasn’t in her best interest to go back until at least the winter was over. After this past brutal winter, our decision to move her south was now looked upon as absolutely brilliant. After a few months Mom became more comfortable with her new living quarters at my brother’s home. However, there was one problem. Mom didn’t use the kitchenette. Our Mom, the Cook, no longer liked to cook. That was a shame because she made the best southern biscuits. Oh how we miss those biscuits. Her pie crusts weren’t too good (cardboardy) but her biscuits……ah, they were heaven.

The other problem was the bathroom. Mom has a problem with her legs. She is very unsteady on them thus getting in and out of a bathtub is very difficult for her. Plus, the bathroom area was a bit confined for her to move around in with her walker.

As the oldest brother it is not easy for me to admit this fact but my brother John is a very clever man as well as being an excellent carpenter. I've always assumed that since I was the Firstborn, I got all the smarts, good looks, and personality of my parent's three sons.  But, as I've grown older I have to reluctantly admit that both of my younger brothers have skills that I can never hope to possess. In fact both of my brothers are good builders as was my father. Unfortunately, I didn’t inherit that carpenter gene from my Pop. I can’t build a thing but I can cook and garden. Neither of my brothers like to garden but Isaac likes to cook. But I digress.

My clever brother John surveyed our Mom’s bathroom accommodations situation and came up with the solution. He decided to take out the kitchenette that wasn’t being used and, instead put in a nice long vanity counter.

Next he put in a type of bathtub that my Mother could walk into and lower herself by mechanical means. Don’t ask me how it works but John says the contraption now makes it much easier for Mom to take a bath. Of course now that Mom is living in a house with two other women (her daughter-in-law and her single adult grandchild), she has assistance for her personal needs instead of her big, awkward, and squeamish sons.

Baby Brother John also put in handrails for Mom to help her maneuver herself around her apartment.



Now, after six months Mom is quite comfortable in her new living quarters. She rarely talks about “going back home” to Pennsylvania. I think she now realizes that she is living in her new home. Sometimes she inquires about her cat Molly, a calico feral cat that she rescued about fourteen years ago. Molly always slept with my Mother. Mom used to call Molly her “hot water bottle.” But Molly has taken up with my other brother, Isaac. No need to worry about Molly. Besides, my Mother has a new friend in Maggie. Maggie is my sister-in-law's lovable mixed breed dog who has graciously consented to share her home with my Mom.  Maggie loves having a new friend to keep her company all day.  I think Mom feels the same way.

Admiring the pictures of Mom’s newly remodeled bathroom at my brother’s home I couldn’t help but think and hope that I would be as fortunate to have such nice living arrangements when I’m in my twilight years. I wish.  But for right now, I am very happy for my Mom that she has peace and comfort at this time of her life.  She worked hard all her life to provide for her family and this is the least we can do for our Mother.  Thank you Mom for all that you have done for us.  We all love you for than we can express in words.  You deserve nothing less than the best. 

Mom Moves South

On the same day I arrived in Pennsylvania (last Saturday, October 17th) for my 50th class reunion, my brother John and his wife took Mom back with them to their home in Greenville, South Carolina.

Mom is going to spend the winter with John and Barb in the warmer climes of the south. I feel so relieved now that Mom will be in a better environment than her small, dark, cluttered home in Downingtown, PA.



My other brother Isaac was living with her and taking care of her at her Pennsylvania home. But at this time of her live (she is 86 years old) Mom needs the help and companionship of another woman. She will get that at John's home with John's wife Barbara and his daughter Nancy, who also lives with them.



Mom will have her own full apartment located in John's house. She will even have her own deck. There is plenty of room for Mom to do her daily exercise with her walker. She wouldn't be able to do this if she stayed in PA for the winter. Once her driveway iced over in the depths of winter, she had to wait until the spring meltdown to get out and do her exercises.

Mom didn't want to move. She wanted to stay in her home in PA of 51 years. That's where she felt safe and comfortable. But it just wasn't working anymore. It was jut a matter of time before she fell in her cluttered house and broke something then we would have to move her. It's better for her to move on her own accord now than moving later to a nursing home because she fell and broke her hip. Plus, we also want to have more activity in her life. She was becoming very depressed and sleeping most of the day.

I feel so relieved now knowing that my Mom has finally made the move to a safer environment. The adjustment to her new surroundings will take some time but once she is settled in I am confident she will know that this is best for her.



I talked to John yesterday. He told me Mom hasn't stopped smiling since she arrived at his home. I knew the move was the right thing to do. I hope that if I reach her age, someone would do as much for me. I would love to winter in the south. But, I can't worry about that now. Right now, I’m very happy for my Mom.

Mom Update

Good news on the Mom front. My brother and his wife will be moving Mom from her home in Pennsylvania to their home in South Carolina in September. Their home is more senior friendly than Mom's home in Pennsylvania. As is the case with so many Mom's who have lived in their house for a long time, her house is very cluttered. She can hardly move around. It's only a matter of time before she falls and breaks something. We are taking this preventive action to avoid such a catastrophe.

Mom wants to stay in her home. She has lived there for 51 years (since 1958.) This is where she is comfortable. Like many older folk (me included), she is reluctant to change. Her husband (my dad) died August 20, 2000, nine years ago. My other brother has lived with her in the family home since that time and taken care of her. However, the time has come to make the big change. It's not safe for her to go through another Pennsylvania winter. The winters are milder in South Carolina thus there is less chance of her slipping and falling on ice.

Another very important factor is that she should have a woman help her from time to time to bath and perform other functions like helping her dress. My brother's wife and his daughter could help my Mother with these necessary functions.

My brother's house in South Carolina also has a separate mother-in-law apartment. He took care of his mother-in-law for 27 years before she died a few years ago. Perhaps the biggest reason to move our mother to South Carolina is that my brother's full time job is as a care pastor for his church. His job is to counsel and take care of the older parishioners of his church. He and his wife are experts in elder care. As much as I love and appreciate my other brother taking care of our mother in Pennsylvania I think this is the best move for her and for us.

Her health has been slowly declining for several years now. Up until now we have acceded to her wishes to stay in her own home but lately it has become increasingly clear that she needs more professional care. After my visit last week it became clear to me that the time has arrived for her to make the move.

In the past several years I have seen my cousins and friends make similar decisions about their aging parents. In the back of my mind I always knew our time would come to make this decision for our mother. Now is the time.

My brother and sister-in law have talked with her and she has agreed to the move, at least for the winter. They plan to rent a van and come up in the latter part of September to move her and her bed down to their home in South Carolina. Of course we're prepared for her to change her mind (as she has done in the past.) However, this time she doesn't have a choice. We're making it for her. I just hope she realizes it is in her best interest.

She has taken good care of me and my two brothers her whole life. I know it is a cliche to say "My Mom is the best Mom in the whole world", but we can honestly say that. We could not have had a better Mom. Now Pop was a different story, but our Mom? We had the best Mom. We love you Mom.

Decision Time

Christmas 1971

After my visit earlier this week I have come to the conclusion it is time to move my Mother from her long time home in Pennsylvania to my brother’s home in Greenville, South Carolina. My other brother is taking care of her now at her home but her care is becoming ever more difficult. Without going into details (out of respect for her privacy), my brother in South Carolina has the facilities that are better suited to taking care of a partially invalid 85 year old woman. Of course the big problem is that my Mother doesn’t want to move from the home she’s known since 1958. Another problem is that my brother who is taking care of her now may not want her to move either. We have not discussed that possibility.

If we ask her to move, she will say “No” as she has said so often before. However, both my brother (in South Carolina) and I agree perhaps it is time to tell her that she is moving. As it stands now she has trouble walking and it is just a matter of time before she falls and breaks something then she won’t have a choice. We would prefer that she make the move now before she is completely invalid and dependent on nursing care.

None of us (me and my brothers) want to put her in a nursing home. She has been very emphatic that she will not go to a nursing home. Bother of her older sisters ended up in nursing homes. Her oldest sister died at 89 years of age in a nursing home a few years ago. Her other older sister is now 91 years old and still in a nursing home in the dementia ward. This is my Mother’s fear that she will also end up in a nursing home. So this is the case we have to present to her, the nursing home or living with my younger brother in South Carolina.

I’ve seen friends and relatives go through similar situation with their aging parents. I always knew in the back of my mind that my turn would come. I’m afraid my turn has come. My brothers and I will have to make some heart wrenching decisions concerning the future care of our Mother. No one said it would be easy. However, I never realized just how hard it would be. It's hard.

Lazy Sunday

"Stormy", my friend Big Bob's cat



Today is another overcast day on the Delmarva Peninsula. No complaints from this quarter. After the past two years of almost no rain during the spring and summer seasons, the farmers of the area are finally getting a decent growing season. Everything is so fresh and green. While it would be nice to have more sun, this isn’t a bad trade off. We have still gotten enough sunny days for my tan to return.

My tan, that’s ironic. All the years I laid out in the sun trying to get a tan and it never worked. I never lay out in the sun now and in fact, try to avoid the sun between 10 am and 4 pm, lest I reactivate my precancerous skin cancer condition. I have yet to put my toes in the sands of any of the beaches here on the eastern coastal shore. The closest I came to a beach was last year when my brother John visited me from Greenville, South Carolina and he walked the beach (in his brown dress shoes yet.) I stood on the boardwalk and watched him. Now I’m covered in a healthy tan all summer long without any effort. I never got a tan like this living in the middle of the woods in Pennsylvania. It must be the ocean breeze that produces such a tan.

I haven’t taken my car out for a ride yet today, but I’ve been assured by a couple of friends that my check engine light was probably caused by me not screwing on my gas cap tight enough. The check engine light came on immediately after I got gas yesterday. In fact, even before I turned on my ignition, I was aware that I had not tightened the gas cap as much as I usually do (four turns.) Both of my friends said they had the same thing happen to them. They said they took off their gas cap and put it back on again but that it did take a few days for the check engine light to go of. I’m hoping that is my situation. I can’t afford any more big expenses at this time. It seems as if once I get my spending under control, some unexpected emergency always pops up. The unexpected seems to be expected.

This morning I got up early to make my favorite Quiche Lorraine. I like my version best. I’ll have this for lunch all week. I also baked some cinnamon muffins for Bill’s sweet tooth. Actually, my sweet tooth too but I’ll be gone for at least two days this week visiting my Mom in Pennsylvania and attending a couple of graduation ceremonies. Yes, I will go up to PA with my check engine light on. I’m confident that my gas cap caused the problem. If not, well I have Triple A. I’ve had it since 1982 and never used it. If my buggy does conk out I hope it’s not in the middle of Newark, Delaware. Now wouldn’t that be an adventure?

I Left My Hat in Pennsylvania

Tony Bennett may have left his heart in San Francisco but I left my hat in Pennsylvania yesterday.

Yesterday Bill and I left early from our home near Milton, Delaware for the 2 ½ drive to Pennsylvania. The skies were clear and the sun shone brightly as we shot up Route 1 towards Rt. 896 for Newark, Delaware. Yesterday was one of those rare sunny days sandwiched in between the rain and cloudy skies this spring. We enjoyed viewing all the greenery on our way up to Pennsylvania. It was a lovely trip on a beautiful spring day. We couldn't have asked for a better day to make a trip.

My Mom and brother weren’t home when I first arrived at their house on Hopewell. They arrived as I was taking pictures of their house of all the fresh new green growth around their snug little ranch house. My brother drove up in his new red Toyota RAV with our Mom in the passenger seat. I go to help her out. She doesn’t want my help. Uh oh, she’s upset about something. She’s got something worked up in her mind that she’s mad at me. I’m not sure if it is our differing political views (she and my brother only watch Fox News and believe everything they see and hear on that faux news channel, including that Nancy Pelosi is the devil incarnate) or she’s mad because I didn’t visit her on Mother’s Day. Last year she was mad because I forgot to send her a Mother’s Day card. I made up for that this year, I sent her three cards over a period of a month prior to Mother’s Day. She didn't say anything about receiving any of them.

We all go down to the house. I try to make small talk. She is having none of it. She obviously has herself worked up into a state. Now here is the problem, this isn’t the Mother I’ve known for my 67 years. This is someone different. Yes, she is in pain daily from her 86 year old body. She recently developed Type 2 diabetes. She is on a restricted diet. She says her food has no taste these days. She has a balance problem. And, most of all, she still misses my father who died in August of 2000. She’s never been the same since he died. They were joined at the hip. When he died, much of her whole sense of purpose of living was gone. My Mother gets very depressed. She is depressed most of the time. Each time I see her it is harder and harder to bring her out of her depression.

Before I left I wanted to take some pictures of us outside in the beautiful spring day sunlight. My brother has two chairs in the driveway. My Mother has always liked to sit outside with someone and her cats. They used to have the chairs up in the garden but now I see they’re in the driveway. Maybe she wants to see the cars going by on the road or maybe she wants to see who is driving up the driveway. She likes to watch from a distance but would never go to a senior citizen center or anything like that for activity. Sitting in the chairs probably brings back memories of all the years she and my Pop used to sit in the same chairs near their garden at the end of a long day. The garden is no longer there now since my Father has died. It is an overgrown weed patch. There is nothing to see up there now.

My younger brother lives with and takes care of our Mother. She has an open invitation to live with me and also with my other brother in South Carolina. She can split the time between the three of us. But, she prefers to stay at her home of 50 years. My brothers and I have acceded to her wish as long as she can get around. Plus, she wants to be near her two cats, Molly and Rusty. She has always used the excuse of caring for her cats as a reason why she couldn’t move to my brother’s place in South Carolina. Both cats are older now (I think 16 years old.) Rusty isn’t doing well and may not be with us much longer. Molly is as fat and contented as ever and continues to act as a bed buddy for my Mom. Molly gives her a great deal of contentment and we don’t want to separate Mom from "Miss Martha", as she calls her longtime feline friend.

When it came time for me to leave, it was awkward. She told me that she didn’t think she would be around “too much longer.” She’s said this before. I’ve told her that we’re all going to die, we just don’t know when. I don’t know what else to say to her.

I drove away feeling guilty as usual. I picked Bill at the end of Hopewell Road. While I was visiting my Mother he was taking videos of the road we used to live on. Bill never wanted to move from Pennsylvania. He always gets very sad when he revisits the heavily wooded area were we used to live. He loves the hills and the winding roads. None of which we have in Delaware. All we have down here is open flat land with perfectly straight roads and a lot of wind. He's not happy living in Delaware and visiting Pennsylvania only reemphasises that feeling to him. I know I'm going to hear about that all the way back to Delaware. But, he's got a video now that he can watch. I promised him I would buy our old property back when I win the Powerball lottery. That hasn't happened yet but I'm way overdue. Any day now.

About an hour later we stopped for gas. I looked for my Colorado Rockies (CR) black hat with purple lettering. I didn’t have it. There you have it; I was so upset that I “left my hat in Pennsylvania.” When I got home to Delaware I called my Mother to confirm that I did leave my hat. She said I did. She said she would put it on my father’s bed and I could get it the next time I’m up. That will be in June. I will be attending the Downingtown High School Class of 2009 graduation ceremonies as a special guest because my DHS class of 1959 is celebrating their 50th anniversary this year.

My next trip I’ll stay at least two days. This running up and back in the same day is a killer for me and Bill and I don’t have enough time to spend with my Mom. I’m hoping my next visit will better and the Mom I used to know returns. I miss her. I miss that hat too, it was my favorite. I won't forget it the next time.

Mother's Day 2009

The sun shines brightly this Sunday morning, Mother's Day 2009. The heat and humidity of yesterday is gone, replaced by low humidity and a brisk wind.

The first thing I did this morning after getting up from bed was to go out to my Purple Martin house and tear out yet another house sparrow nest. I've been tearing out their nests for about 10 days now. The Purple Martins arrived on schedule, May 1st. They took up residence in the other five apartments but the determined house sparrows will not give up on their nest building in the one apartment. After I cleaned out their messy nest and was walking back to the house, I noticed that both of the sparrows were having sex (or else they were playing leap frog) on the ledge in front of their desired apartment. I took this as their version of giving me the Universal Finger (aka as the Digital Salute.) I may have to escalate this battle of wits and wait until they lay their eggs and then throw out the whole batch; nest, eggs and all. I would like to throw out the sparrows too if I could ever catch them.

Last night I worked late at the hotel. I had a caller on the phone who originally called about the availabity of accomodations for herself and her pet but the conversation quickly went off into another whole direction about her visit to a dog breeder that day and how she said she was "misled" as to the quality of the pups she viewed. She said the puppies looked like they were "shot out of a cannon." I didn't get the connection between this room availability until she said she didn't want "any surprises" if she rented our pet room. In other words, an ironclad guarantee that she would be completely satisfied with her stay and accommodations. I patiently listened to her and stated our accommodations and amenities but did not give her the ironclad guarantee that she obviously wanted. I have found from past experience that callers who go on long tangents on the phone never make the reservation. Maybe they're lonely and just want someone to talk to. This is one of the things I like about my job as a hotel front desk clerk, observing human nature. After awhile most of them fall into certain categories. This one falls into the Twilight Zone. Beep, beep, dit, dit, dah dit.

After checking my Facebook account this morning, I made a call to my Mother to wish her a happy Mother's Day. Again, no one answered the phone. I left a message on her answering machine. I don't know why I do that because she doesn't check her answering machine. I had planned to take the 2 1/2 drive up to Pennsylvania to visit her today but I agreed to work for my co-worker who was regularly scheduled to work this weekend. I'm only supposed to work Monday evenings 3 to 11 PM but I've been work all kinds of hours the past few weeks and will continue to do so until next month. Her son is leaving for Iraq next week and she wanted to spend as much time with him as she could before he ships out.

Next Tuesday I'm filling in for another co-worker who is going on vacation to Ireland. Next Friday I'm filling in for another co-worker who has a court date. I'm glad to have the extra hours (helps to pay the mortgage) but with this kind of schedule it's hard to take a few days to visit my Mother. I also want to visit my Aunt Mabel who is recovering from an operation. I also have to return some family history records to my cousin Elsie Mae. And, just this week I received an invitation to attend a family reunion to be held this August at Nottingham Park in Oxford, PA. Lots on my schedule. Never a dull moment.

I just finished talking on the phone to my longtime friend Ed from my high school days in Pennsylvania. He has a second home in Rehoboth Beach. It seems every time he comes down to visit, I'm working that weekend. Hopefully I can see him on Memorial Day weekend. As of now, I have Saturday and Sunday off that weekend. Maybe by then the house sparrows will have given up on building their nest in my Purple Martin house. That's one battle I'm going to win.

My Three Sons

My Mother has three sons. I am the oldest, born in 1941. My brother Isaac was born in 1943 and my youngest brother John was born in 1944. My father had 10 brothers and no sisters. My Mother told my father she wasn’t going to have a dozen sons. She always wanted a daughter. I guess I was the default daughter for awhile until I was about three years old. I will write more about that aspect of my growing up in a future blog posting.

My brothers and I were very fortunate in that our Mom was totally devoted to all three of her sons and her husband. She lived for us. I know it is a cliché but my Mom was really one of those saintly Moms. Even as recently as the beginning of this year she was still providing for us by helping us out monetarily with our various needs. That’s just the way she is and always has been. She has never spent money on herself or been concerned with “things.” Her family has always been her first priority. Mom set the standard for us, her three devoted sons.

Now in her 85th year she is failing both physically and mentally. We always knew this could happen but that we see the reality of her condition, it doesn’t seem real. To see this strong woman who we have relied on all these years change into someone else we don’t know doesn’t seem real. This can’t be our Mom. She’s going to snap out of it anytime soon and I can talk to her like I have for years. We could exchange family gossip, I could listen to her stories of working in the layer cake division of Pepperridge Farms, and we could relieve memories of Pop. We can no longer have those conversations.

The last time I talked to her on the phone about a week ago I didn’t get much of a response from her. The conversation was eerily reminiscent of my conversations with my friend down here who is suffering dementia. He’s not “there” nor is she “there.” It’s one thing to lose a loved one to death but quite another to have them still here but not “there.”

I don't like to keep writing depressing blogs but this is my life now. There are a couple of positive developments in my life today, this Friday May 8th, 2009. The sun is finally out after about 10 days of rain and dreary weather. The sun always brightens my spirits. I hope Mom can get out today and enjoy some of this sun. She always loved a beautiful spring day.

Mom and Ike

This morning I had a long talk with my brother Isaac, who lives with and care for our Mom at our old family homestead in Pennsylvania. I haven’t been able to get in touch with them for a few weeks. We discovered the problem was that the phone was out.

Mom is 85 years old now. She has been in declining health ever since our father died August 22, 2000. They were married 61 years. Each one was the half of the other. Much of her problem seems to be depression. She also has a balance problem and is on a number of medications. Both of her sisters (one of which is now deceased) developed dementia. I’m afraid the signs are now showing Mom is also developing dementia.

I have two younger brothers. I live in Delaware, and my youngest brother lives in South Carolina. My Mom lives with my middle brother in Pennsylvania. We would prefer for her to move to my brother’s place in South Carolina where she can receive more professional care but she prefers to stay where she has lived for the past 61 years. I understand her need to be in her comfort zone. We will try to accommodate her as long as we can. She has her cats (Molly and Rusty) and her favorite bed set up in her living room. When she's not sleeping, she likes to watch “The Price is Right” and the Fox News channel. This is her routine and it gives her comfort.

Both my younger brother and I are worried about the burden that is being placed on our brother Ike. He has his own medical problems that he has to monitor. I’ve talked to him and he says he is managing. He loves our Mom and takes excellent care of her. Ike has the patience of a saint but there is always a limit before one becomes overwhelmed.

We’re facing a dilemma that our Mom needs to move into a more controlled environment but we also want to respect her wishes to live at her home. Ironically one of the things our Mom was most concerned about was being a burden when she became older.

After talking to Ike, I called my other brother in South Carolina. We also discussed Mom’s situation and we agreed to take it one day at a time. That’s all we can do now. I guess we always knew this day would come.

Note: Picture is of Mom and Ike circa 1954

Trouble in Mom Land

Enough with the torture blogs for awhile anyway. The whole subject is getting me depressed. I'm going to address another depressing problem. My Mom.

My Mother is 85 years old and lives with my younger brother in Pennsylvania at the old family homestead outside of Downingtown, Pennsylvania. She has lived there sine 1958, when she and my father built their one bathroom, three bedroom, 1,100 square foot ranch house on three acres of a former cornfield.

In Early 2006 I decided to move from my home one road away from my Mother's house in Pennsylvania because I could no longer afford to pay the high school property tax on my property. My Mother has never forgiven me for moving. Over thirty years ago my youngest brother moved to Greenville, South Carolina to pursue his calling to the ministry. She has never forgiven him for moving either.

My Father died of lung cancer August 22, 2000. My parents were married sixty years. My Mother has never been the same since he died. She lost a lot of weight and is beset with any number of ailments, real and imagined. Perhaps her worst affliction though is her single minded devotion to the Fox News channel and hatred of anything or anybody associated with the Democrats or the Democratic Party.

For many years she would rant and rail against Bill and Hilary Clinton. These days her new enemies are Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama. She takes her marching orders from Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity. It is impossible to have a reasonable discussion with her. She will scream and put both of her hands over her ears so she doesn't have to listen to any views that differ from hers.

My Mother is convinced that she is dying. Whenever I talk to her she says "Ronnie, I'm dying." I tell her, "We're all dying. We just don't know when." Her life is a series of doctor's visits. She is convinced she is at Death's Door. One time she got very angry when a doctor told her that she "was doing much better than her mother who died when she was only 27 years old." Mom did not like the comparison at all and is still get angry when reminded of the doctor's comment.

My Mother and I were always very close, especially when I was growing up. I guess I can lay claim to being her favorite child. My youngest brother John was my father's pet. Poor Isaac, the middle child, probably neglected by both parents. Perhaps the word "neglect" is too strong of a word but Isaac suffered the usual fate of the middle child, taken for granted although loved just the same.

For many years I could talk to my Mother more as a friend or a big sister than a Mother. I enjoyed those talks. However, since my father died, I find it very difficult to talk to my Mother. Even though she is hard of hearing, she doesn't seem to hear what I'm saying. She is more focused on herself and her endless complaints about her health and life in general. Her paranoia has gotten worse over the years. She thinks everyone is out to get her from the Democrats to the people who are always calling her on the phone and hanging up just as she picks up the phone.

Since I've moved to Delaware I haven't been able to visit her like I did when I lived only a road away. I used to stop in almost every day and have a talk with her. My talking seem to sooth and relax her. Now that I don't see her as often, I fear I have become one of Them. An outsider. Which is a shame.

I love my Mother very much. She has always been very kind and more than generous to me and my brothers over the years. As I mentioned earlier, my brother Isaac lives with her and takes care of her now at her home. I have a place for her if she wants to move in with me. My youngest brother also has a place for her in his home in Greenville, South Carolina. We leave the decision up to my Mother where she wants to live as long as she is able to get around.

Recently I've been trying to call her but I haven't been able to get through. She doesn't answer the phone. She used to get on her computer and check her e-mails but she doesn't do that now because she thinks the computer is out to get her with all the reminders for upgrades. I have a hunch she is upset because I didn't send her an Easter card. I forgot. When I lived near her I always took over an Easter flower and a card. This year I had the worst cold of my life and making an Easter trip didn't enter my mind.

Last year I made several quick trips to visit her when I sensed that she was upset with me for some reason unknown to me. My youngest brother, who is a care pastor, offered me some good advice. He said "Don't let her manipulate you. Once you do that, then you'll be running back and forth all the time, never pleasing her." As harsh as it sounds, my baby brother gave me sound advice.

I'm planning on making a day trip to Pennsylvania the next clear Sunday (I don't travel in the rain.) I have to return some family genealogical items to a second cousin in Pennsylvania. I'll stop by and visit my Mother. I'll give her a hug. Things will go back to normal, at least during my visit. Then I'll make the 2 1/2 drive back home to Delaware and I will be an outsider again.

The slow inevitable march of dementia is taking my best friend Big Bob away from me. Now I fear that something much worse is taking my Mother away from me.

Back Home from PA

The trip back home to Delaware from PA was much easier than the trip up to PA on Wednesday. The sun was out, the roads were clear, and the Summit Bridge was open. Coming back was a breeze.

It was good I went to visit Mom. She’s not doing well. I’ve had a long day. I will post more tomorrow.

Leaving for Pennsylvania

The sun is out, the temperature is up. A perfect day to leave for Pennsylvania to visit my Mom and see friends. I'm only going to be gone for two days (returning on Friday) but looking at everything I'm taking with me one would think I was leaving for a month. I can't help it. I have to have all the bases covered. I don't travel light.

Today I take my Mom to run some errands. I give my brother Isaac a break. This evening I'm having dinner with three widowed classmates of mine at 6 PM. Roast pork is on the menu. Yum! After dinner we retreat to the Brickside Grille for Trivia Night. It's been a long time since I went to Trivia Night at the Brickside. I'm looking forward to a pleasant evening with friends.

Tomorrow my former boss at Downingtown National Bank pays a house call to Mom to collect information from her to do her taxes. I'm looking forward to seeing him. Also, I hope to squeeze a lunch in with another longtime school chum.

On the way back to Delaware on Friday I will stop in to see my cousin Elsie and return her dad's obituary and family picture that I borrowed to copy for my genealogy records. All in all, a busy two days planned.

I think my cell phone battery is charged and I'm ready to get out of here!

Going to Visit Mom in Pennsylvania

The weather forecast looks safe for the next couple of days so I’m planning on visiting my Mom in Pennsylvania. She is a 2 ½ drive away. Not a bad drive actually, but I don’t like to drive in the rain (“intermittent showers” are forecast – I can handle that) or snow. I didn’t want to visit while snow and ice were still on the ground at her home. This past weekend’s mild temperatures melted whatever was left of the past two month’s winter debris. It looks like clear sailing up Rt. 1 to Pennsylvania tomorrow.

While I’m up in Pennsylvania I’m also going to visit friends (old high school classmates) for dinner tomorrow night. My friend just sent me an e-mail and said she’s cooking roast pork. I love roast pork! After dinner we’re going to the Brickside Grille for Trivia Night. Oh how I miss Trivia Night at the Brickside. That perhaps is one of the few things I missed when I moved to Delaware. I always looked forward to getting together with friends for an evening out at least one night a week. A martini or two (depending on the specials that night), a competitive game of trivia (we even won a couple of times), and camaraderie between good friends. It doesn’t get any better than that. The only downside is that Pennsylvania still permits smoking in its bars and restaurants. I never did get used to eating my Chicken Quesadilla while inhaling second hand smoke. But hey, who said the world was perfect?

I plan on staying at Mom’s for at least two nights. I’m working tonight at the Inn and I don’t have to go back to work until next Monday night. That gives me a couple of days with my Mom. She told me this morning she is planning on moving to South Carolina to live with my brother John and his wife. Their house is better suited for our Mother’s condition now. She has a hard time getting around. My brother Isaac takes care of her now but her house in Pennsylvania has too many stairs and other obstacles that cause her to take falls. Plus, the snow and ice are a constant threat. Sooner or later she’s going to break something then be permanently disabled. It is better that she move now before something happens. She’s worried about her two elderly cats, Molly and Rusty, but I told her that Isaac will take good care of them.

This is another milestone in our lives. There was once a time when Mom took care of me and my brothers. Now it is our turn to take care of our Mom. She deserves no less. We are so fortunate to have her for our Mother. I know everyone says their Mom is the best. Well, I can say it without doubt. We have the best Mom in the world for us. I think of all the people who lost their Mom’s at a young age. My Mother lost her Mother when she wasn’t quite two years old. She grew up only knowing a series of step-moms, who weren’t too nice to her. She never had the good fortune that me and my brothers had by having a Mom who has always looked after us. My Mom said when she first got married she wanted a little girl because she had no Mom. After her first three children were boys, she told my Father "That’s enough! I’m not going to have a dozen sons like your Mother.” My father had 11 brothers, no sisters. She had to make do with us boys. Now she says she is glad she has sons because she didn’t know if a daughter would take care of her like we have. Thanks Mom!