John Called,

Mom and me - Compass, PA 1950 - John and Isaac playing with the typewriter - guess who was Mom's favorite?

When I got home from my morning walk on the boardwalk this morning, Bill told me that my brother John had called.  These days whenever I see that John has called, I fear for the worst.

John is taking care of Mom at his home in Greenville, South Carolina.  We moved her there from her home in Pennsylvania where she was living with other brother Isaac last October 17th, 2009.

Brother John and his wife and daughters at their home in Windsor PA 1974 - I took Mom to visit them

Two weeks ago Mom's body began shutting down.  Her potassium level was so low, the doctor was surprised that she was still alive.

We were given the option of sending Mom to the hospital to be hooked up to IV's and other life extending measures or to make her as comfortable as possible at her home with John and his wife and daughter.  Mom always made it clear to us that she did not want to be kept artificially alive in a hospital bed.

We decided for hospice care at home.  That hospice care began last Monday, for three days a week (Mondays, Wednesdays and Friday.)

The first day of hospice care Mom told the hospice care worker not to come back.  Not a good sign.

Caring for Mom at home is becoming very difficult.  My brother John doesn't get more than two hours of sleep at night.  He has to get up to take her to the bathroom or whatever other needs she has.

John didn't leave a message this morning. I called him back.  He told me that Mom had a "real bad night last night."  Without going into the details, I will only say that she isn't herself these days.  This is not her personality.  John thinks she has bi-polar.  Somedays she can be her old sweet self and other days (more frequently now) she has a totally different personality.  She is abusive, paranoid and unreasonable.  This is not our Mom.  No way, no how.

We always promised Mom that we would never put her in a nursing home.  I remember well what my cousin Jack told me about his Mom, my Mom's older sister.  Jack had made the same promise to his Mom but at the end he had no choice.  I'm afraid that is where we are with Mom now.

John has found a very nice hospice care center near his home.  In fact, John said it was so nice he would like to live there.  I can understand his feelings at this time of his life.  His wife has medical issues, he has a full-time job as a care pastor and, in addition to all of these responsibilities he is taking care of Mom.  John isn't getting any sleep at night.  Something has to change.  This cannot continue.

I will call him now and tell him that it is alright to put Mom in a place where she can get the care she needs and deserves.  I'm sure Isaac will concur with my decision.

My cousin Jack told me it would come to this.  That Jack, he has always been one step ahead of me.

Someday I'll write a blog posting about my few years old cousin Jack, who like me, brought himself up from the bootstraps and had a successful banking career.  We did pretty good for two dirt poor kids of of the Fifties from Downingtown, Pennsylvania.  Jack's advice has always been right on.  I hate to admit it, but he was right again.

My last visit with Mom (and brother John) June 2010 - we're in the beautiful park in downtown Greenville, SC - John forgot Mom's hat.  I loaned her mine.  That's a bathrobe I bought for her. She wears it all the time, even when she goes to the park.

Do I Miss Not Having Kids?

This is a question that interestingly has not been asked of me by my friends or relatives. However, as I near the end of my life I have asked that question of myself.




Do I miss having kids? The short answer is no.



Would I have liked to have had kids? The short answer on that question is yes.



Now this answer may sound like the famous have it both ways answer that John Kerry gave about if he voted to authorize the war in Iraq: “I voted for the bill before I voted against it.” But my answer is different. I’ll explain.



The obvious reason is that because I am gay the odds of my having children were minimal from the get go. At the time my life partner Bill and I began out relationship in July of 1965 (yes, we’ve been together 46 years now – so much for the theory that same sex relationships- especially between men- don’t last) the option of adopting children was not possible. It was only recently that some states allowed same sex couple adoption of children. Even if we could adopt, I doubt if we would have gone that route.



If I had a child I would want it to be from my own family gene pool. I would want that child to continue on my family history through passing on my living cells to another living human being. That may sound selfish but I make no apologies for my desire to continue the straight lineage from time immemorial. As it stands now, unless I have impregnate a woman before I die (VERY UNLIKELY – I am still a virgin "that way"), my direct line of the Tipton family ends with me.



I will admit that there are times I see a dad with his daughter or son and I think “That could have been me.” There are times I think dads spoil their children by giving them too much attention. But then I think if it was my child I would probably spoil them just as much.



I’ve often wondered if I had children what would they be like now as adults. In fact, if I did have children in my early twenties, I would probably have grown grandchildren by now. That scenario is so far out that it makes me lightheaded just thinking about it.



I am convinced that if I did have children they probably would have been all male. My father had eleven brothers (two sets of twins, one twin died at birth) and no sisters. He had three sons of which I am the oldest. My one brother had two daughters and a son that died shortly after birth. My other brother two daughters and a son. I just know I would have had sons. Don’t ask me how, I just know it.



So here I am now, approaching the last years of my life. My life partner is 81 years old. He will probably leave this earth before I do. Then I will be alone. Both of my brothers have children who care a great deal for them and will probably take care of them in their old age, if the need is there. One of my brothers was taking care of our 86 year old mother until she moved in with my other brother in the south this past October to live in a warmer climate.



I have four nieces and one nephew. I have five grand nieces and four grand nephews. They all know me as “Uncle Ronnie.” Just about every family has an “Uncle Ronnie.” Rare is the family that doesn’t have that bachelor uncle who never married.  Our family is no exception.  I had an "Uncle George" on my Mother's side of the family.  On my father's side I had an "Uncle Bruce."  Both were unmarried.  Both had no children.  No questions were asked.  They were just known as "Uncle George" and "Uncle Bruce."  "Uncle Ronnie" carries on the family tradition.


While I love my nieces and nephews (some of whom I hardly know), I don’t expect them to take care of me in my old age nor do I want them to take care of me. The one thing I value the most in my life next to my physical and mental health and financial stability is my freedom. That has been my life's goal; freedom.



My goal is to be one of those old people who will live an independent life a long time in good physical and mental health. At this stage of my life I am well towards reaching my goal. My health is good, I weigh the same as I did when I graduated from high school in 1959, and I’m not too forgetful. In fact in many ways my mental health is better because I have learned not to hold negative thoughts for waste my time with anger.



The one thing that does concern me though is loneliness. I am concerned that if I am alone in the world I will be more vulnerable to loneliness and thus depression. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your view) I have learned through past experiences with relationships to trust very few people as far as personal relationships go. I doubt if my opinion will change as I grow older.



Perhaps if I had children I would have a different view. But then I know people who do have children and they are not depending on them for any support at the end of their life. One just never knows.



What will I do on that day when I wake up and realize that I am all alone in the world? I have the answer. It’s something I’ve wanted to do all my life. I get a cat. I might even get a dog.

So there you go, the Old Man with his cat…..or dog. That’s me.

Decision Time

Christmas 1971

After my visit earlier this week I have come to the conclusion it is time to move my Mother from her long time home in Pennsylvania to my brother’s home in Greenville, South Carolina. My other brother is taking care of her now at her home but her care is becoming ever more difficult. Without going into details (out of respect for her privacy), my brother in South Carolina has the facilities that are better suited to taking care of a partially invalid 85 year old woman. Of course the big problem is that my Mother doesn’t want to move from the home she’s known since 1958. Another problem is that my brother who is taking care of her now may not want her to move either. We have not discussed that possibility.

If we ask her to move, she will say “No” as she has said so often before. However, both my brother (in South Carolina) and I agree perhaps it is time to tell her that she is moving. As it stands now she has trouble walking and it is just a matter of time before she falls and breaks something then she won’t have a choice. We would prefer that she make the move now before she is completely invalid and dependent on nursing care.

None of us (me and my brothers) want to put her in a nursing home. She has been very emphatic that she will not go to a nursing home. Bother of her older sisters ended up in nursing homes. Her oldest sister died at 89 years of age in a nursing home a few years ago. Her other older sister is now 91 years old and still in a nursing home in the dementia ward. This is my Mother’s fear that she will also end up in a nursing home. So this is the case we have to present to her, the nursing home or living with my younger brother in South Carolina.

I’ve seen friends and relatives go through similar situation with their aging parents. I always knew in the back of my mind that my turn would come. I’m afraid my turn has come. My brothers and I will have to make some heart wrenching decisions concerning the future care of our Mother. No one said it would be easy. However, I never realized just how hard it would be. It's hard.