Happy Birthday Mom

My Mom - The Best Mom in the World (for me)

Today would have been my Mom's 88th birthday.  She was born December 24th, 1923.  She died September 16th, 2010.

Every year I always sent her a birthday card.  I always gave her separate birthday gifts wrapped in birthday paper.  I NEVER gave her Christmas gifts and said "This is for your birthday too."  She said that happened to her growing up so I always made sure that her birthday was special.



Last year was the first birthday that I didn't get her a card or a gift.  It was a difficult time for me because my Mom was my Best Friend also.  Sure, the last few years of her life she changed and was difficult at times but she was always my Mom.  She literally was always THERE for me.

My Mom and me (leaning on her as usual) and my two brothers  - 1951

Ever since she died I have felt less than whole.  I was fortunate to have had her as long as I did (68 years.)  She lost her mother when she wasn't quite two years old.  She always talked about this mysterious woman who was her mother.  I could tell the she never got over the pain of losing and not having her own mother. I tried to make that up to her by being a Good Son.  Most of the time I did alright.  However, sometimes I slipped but she always forgave me.

My Mom, me and my two brothers - 2005 (only formal portrait picture of us)

Later in her life she liked teddy bears.  Every Christmas I would give her a teddy bear.  Big teddy bears, little teddy bears.  Oh how she loved those teddy bears.

Mom and her Christmas Teddy Bear - 2000

She would put the big ones away after Christmas and bring them out the next Christmas.  The little ones she put in a basket next to her favorite chair in her living room.  After she died my brothers took all of her clothes and gave them to Goodwill.  I took the teddy bears.  I have the big ones in boxes in my basement storage room (much to the chagrin of Bill).  Some of the little ones I kept in her basket and put them on the bed in the room I reservers for her in our new house.  She never got to use Her Room because she spend the last year of her life being cared for my by brother John and his wife and daughter at John's home in Greenville, South Carolina.

The last picture of me and Mom

When I go into Mom's Room now and see her teddy bears looking at me, I feel her presence.  It is a good feeling.

Mom's Teddy Bears in Her Room waiting for her

Happy birthday Mom.

Mom - 1955

The Best Mom in the World

(Pictured from left to right:  Sandy Hadfield Hart - my Mom's cousin - my Mom - and Elaine Reynolds Tyson my Mom's niece - lovely ladies all - all "Hadfield Girls"


My Mom died September 16th, 2010.  Even though her death was expected, when she died it was still like a punch in the stomach.

I have two brothers, John and Isaac.  When my father died in 2000, my younger brother (he's the middle one) took care of our Mom at her home in Pennsylvania.  Then came a time last year when her physical and mental health began to deteriorate more quickly and my brothers and I decided that it would be best for her if she moved in with my brother John in South Carolina.  His home had the facilities to take better care of someone in my Mother's condition.  John and his wife had a separate "mother-in-law" apartment in their modest ranch house in Greenville, SC.  And, John's profession is that he is the care pastor of his church.  John and his wife take care of older people in failing health for a living.  What better place for our Mom to live out her days.

My brothers and I had always promised Mom that we would never put her in a nursing home.  Thanks to my brothers, we were able to keep that promise.

The pictures I have in this video are a random compilation of pictures that I had collected over the years.  I surprised myself by being able to put together this DVD because I had never before (or since) used the iMovie maker function of my iMac.

I was very pleased with hour the remembering the rich, full life of our Mom came out.  I would like to think I was divinely lead in producing this loving tribute to our Mom.

I know a lot of people say they have the best Mom in the world.  And that is probably true.  Maybe sometimes that is exaggerated but that's all right too.  But one thing I know for sure, my brothers and I all agree that for us we had the Best Mom In The World.

My brothers and I are who we are today because of our Mom.  Even towards the end of her life when her personality began to change because of her dementia and she wasn't the Mom we knew all our lives, she was still Our Mom.  Nothing could ever change that.

It's been six months now since Mom passed away.  I thought I was over it, at least the teary part.  Guess what?  Every time I watch this DVD, the frog come back into my throat and the tears begin to well up in my eyes.  Waves of sadness sweep over me.  By the time the DVD ends, I am exhausted.

The purpose of this posting is not to elicit sympathy for me, my brothers or my Mom.  To me her passing is part of life.  Someday I too will pass as will my brothers.  No one needs to be sad.  We have all lived a good and fulfilling life as did my Mother.  When you watch this DVD, remember that my Mom lived a long and good life.

We all miss her every day.  As my brother John said after she died "Ronnie, we're orphans now.  Sixty year old orphans, but we're still orphans."  I know what he meant.  Our Mother was such a guiding force in our lives that now she is gone we feel diminished.  But as long as I'm alive I will have these wonderful memories of her which I am sharing with the readers of my blog today.

We all only get one Mom.  Isaac, John and I know God smiled on us when he gave us the best.

Thinking of Mom This Christmas

Giving Mom a Big Hug to make up for all those hugs she missed growing up by not having a mother

I thought I had reconciled myself to losing my Mom this past September 16th.  However, this Christmas season has brought back the depth of the loss all over again.  


Christmas season was always my Mom's time of the year.  Her birthday was on December 24th.  On of my earliest memories is of my Mom asking me not to combine her Christmas presents with her birthday presents.  Which is ironic because she never wanted me to buy her presents anyway.  


But each year I would buy her many Christmas presents and a birthday present.  I would always make sure to wrap her birthday present in birthday wrapping paper.  None of this taking a short cut and pulling out one of her Christmas presents, wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper, and saying "Here, this ONE is for your birthday."


A few weeks ago I was strolling around the Dover Shopping Mall while I was waiting for a satellite radio to be installed in my new Subaru at the dealer in Dover.  I usually migrate to J. C. Penney whenever I'm in a mall and this time was no exception.  So there I am wandering through the Ladies section looking for a new warm bathrobe or nightgown for Mom.  I always made sure to get her a nightgown that didn't have one of those lace trim collars.  She said they irritated her neck.  She also didn't want a nightgown with a plunging neckline because she said she could keep warm with her top half exposed.  Do you know how hard it is to find such a nightgown?  It's hard, believe me.  Thus this was my annual challenge which I didn't mind at all because it was for my Mom.  


So here I was, making the rounds through the aisles of the Women's department of J.C. Penney when I was jolted back into reality that my Mom is no longer here.  This is hard for me.  This is the first time in my adult life that I am not Christmas shopping for my Mom.


Many years ago I opted out of the Mandatory Christmas Shopping ritual.  The only person I continued to shop for was my Mom.  She told me over and over again "Don't buy me anything this year Ronnie because I don't need anything."  Of course I always ignored her plea because this was my Mom after all.  


Now I think of all those sweaters, nightgowns, bathrobes, jewelry, and other items that I bought for Mom that is now at Goodwill and the Salvation Army.  The only things my brothers and I didn't give to charity that was my Mom's jewelry.  That I will distribute to her nieces and grandnieces this spring when Bill and I visit South Carolina where they live.  


I was feeling pretty sad after my visit to the mall so I called my brothers John and Isaac and told them.  They told me they had similar feelings.  Something would remind them of Mom and then they would realize how much they missed her.  She was such a part of our lives, much more so than our father ever was.


Mom lived with Isaac at her home for ten years until she moved to John's place in South Carolina last October.  John used to look forward to coming home and stopping in and spending time with Mom.  Over the last thirty years or so he had seen or spent little time with her since he moved to Greenville, SC.  Although Mom needed more care, John was appreciative that he could spend this time with her.  He had almost a year with Mom.  Now he says when he comes home and sees the empty room where she used to stay, he feels so sad.  Probably sadder than he would have been if she hadn't moved in with him at all.


I guess there will be other times when it hits us especially hard that Mom isn't around anymore.  This season seems to be the hardest though.  

Mom and her Boys 2005

Remembering Mom

Me and Mom having lunch at Wegmans in Downingtown, PA Feb. 2009

I didn't know it at the time, but this was the last meal I would have with my Mother

I knew this would happen.  


Today was another one of those days that hit me hard how much I am going to miss my Mother.  


Mom died last month, September 16th.  We knew she was dying.  Her death was actually a blessing because the last three weeks she suffered much.  Even though we knew she was dying her death still was a shock to the system.


We had our funeral for Mom.  Everything went perfectly.  The weather was clear, sunny and crisp.  The James J. Terry Funeral Home in Downingtown saw to our every need.  


For the past twenty-five years or more I've always taken Mom to the family funerals.  Mom would have loved her service.  


Now that everything is all settled down I knew there would be those unexpected times that some place or thing would rudely trigger my memory of just how much I will miss her.


Last week was one such occasion.  I was shopping at J.C. Penney at the Dover Mall.  They had a great sale of women's nightgowns and bathrobes.  I always used to buy my Christmas presents for Mom early.  I also brought her birthday present at the same time.  Her birthday was on December 24th.  I always made sure she got separate birthday presents wrapped in birthday paper.  She often told me the story of how when she was a little girl she never got a birthday present but instead was told "this is your birthday AND Christmas present."  All my life I made sure she got a separate birthday present and one that wasn't wrapped in Christmas paper either.


When I was shopping at J.C. Penney's last week I almost bought her a soft, fluffy bathroom until I remembered....Mom is no longer here.  The stabbing pain of loss hit me right there in the middle of the crowded floor of Penneys.  I paused while a wave of sadness washed over me.  I took a few minutes to recover then I continued to shop.....for myself.


In a few weeks it will be my birthday.  My Mother, all her life, never missed sending me a birthday card.  NEVER.  Friends come and go.  Sometimes they send me cards, sometimes they forget and sometimes they just don't send me a card because they don't consider me worthy of a card.  But my Mom, SHE ALWAYS sent me a card.  SHE NEVER MISSED. NEVER.


This year I had already purchased a birthday and Christmas card for Mom.  Mom wasn't too much on receiving presents (she always told me I bought her too much) but she did like to receive a card.  I wanted to make sure she got her cards this year.  I sent them to her a week before her death. 


I'm glad I did.  John said that even in her pain and her confused mental state at the end, she did recognize the cards and that they were from Number # 1 Son (that would be me).  John said she smiled when he showed her the cards.  


I made sure to send them on two separate days too.  I always made sure not to include her cards together.  That's the way she wanted it.  

Saying Goodbye To Mom

Mom (my brother Isaac's picture)

John brought Mom home Friday. 

This afternoon we say goodbye to Mom. 

I'm at my brother Isaac's computer now.  It's still dark outside.  The time is 6:30 am.

This is the first opportunity since I arrived at Mom's home to update my blog.  Friday and Saturday I stayed at the Hampton Inn in Lionville.  They have a computer but I could only access information, not input information. 

As anyone who knows me and regular readers of this blog know, writing is my therapy.  My blog is my therapy.  Because I haven't been able to write since I arrived in Pennsylvania, I'm a bit off kilter. 

This will be a brief posting.  Isaac is up.  John and Barb are still sleeping upstairs.  They will be up shortly.  Once we all wash up then we'll go out for breakfast. 

Services for Mom will be this afternoon at the James J. Terry Funeral Home in Downingtown. 

We'll go in to say goodbye to her at 12:30.  The viewing is 1:00.  John will perform the services at 2:00.  Then we will begin Mom's final trip to the Hopewell Methodist Church Cemtery on Hopewell Road, just down the road a bit from Mom's home.  That home will be Isaac's home now. 

Bill is coming up today.  He will not attend the services.  He ca n't take funerals.  He's still getting over the loss of his dogs over ten years ago.  But he wants to be here when Mom takes her final trip. 

I'm not sure when I'm going back to Delaware.  Maybe after the services today, maybe early tomorrow morning.  I'll have to see how I feel after we leave Mom who now will lie next to Pop at that grave site that she so often visited the past ten years since he died in August of 1980.

This day will be interesting. All of us have done pretty well in holding it together. 

I thought I might lose it yesterday when I attended my 51st class reunion.  That was a coincidence.  I wasn't planning on making a special trip in attending that reunion which was at Hoss's Restuarant, right next to the Hampton Inn.   But since I was up here I thought "Why not?"  It would take my mind off of Mom for awhile. 

Several of my former classmates came up to me and expressed their condolences.  They had seen Mom's obituary in the Daily Local News.  I thought I might get blubbery but I didn't. 

Today will be a different story when me and my brothers stand in the receiving line by our Mom, welcoming relatives and friends saying goodbye to their friend Betty, Aunt Betty, or "Mom-Mom", as she is know by her five grandchildren and eleven great grandchildren. 

Today will also be closure.  Nineteen years ago, when I attended the untimely death of my good friend Alice was the first time I realized the importance of our unique funeral tradition of our western culture. 

It is not for the deceased but for the survivors.  For all those who knew and loved her to pay their final respects and bring to closure this chapter of their lives.  I know for myself, I will never be the same. 

My brothers and I are one of the fortunate children of this world who had a mother who was the best mother anyone could have had.  If me and my brothers could have chosen a mother, we could not have got a better mother. 

Mom literally devoted her whole life to Pop and her "three boys", as she always used to call us.  She never did for herself.  She only lived to make our lives better.

As my cousin Jackie (the son of Mom's older sister Grace) often said "I don't know what Grandpop Hadfield did to those Hadfield girls but they all spent their lives only for their family." 

My Aunt Grace had two sons, Jackie and Charlie.  My Mom's other sister Jeannette (who is 93 years old and living Simpson Meadows) had one daughter and four sons.  All three sisters spent their whole lives for their husbands and children. 

Yes, we were all so blessed to have these three sisters who grew up without a mother to be such wonderful mothers themselves. 

Today we will say goodbye to Mom. 

The Vigil

Maggie comforting Mom - yesterday

This morning I talked to John.  They don't expect Mom to make it through the day.


Mom has been unresponsive for the past 36 hours.  Her eyes haven't closed.  She has been in the same position in her bed for the past ten days.  


Yesterday, Maggie got on her bed.  Maggie knows.


Maggie is Barbara's dog.  Maggie has been Mom's constant companion since we moved Mom down to John and Barb's home in Greenville last October.  


Maggie knows she isn't supposed to get on Mom's bed.  Yesterday she ignored that rule.  She knows.

Mom

Pop, Mom and Ron 1979

My brother John called this morning.  He confirmed my worst fears, Mom is dying.  It could be next week or six months from now.

His next step is to secure hospice care for her.  We want to make her as comfortable as possible.

Like my father she made it clear to us many times that she did not want her life artificially prolonged.  We will honor her wishes.

Ironically, Pop died almost ten years ago to this date.  He died from lung cancer on August 22, 2000.  He was 80 years old.  He didn't suffer too long.  He was in the hospital hooked up to oxygen and pain killers for a little over two weeks.  It was a blessing that he died when he did because he was in a great deal of discomfort.

While I was never that close to my father, and we knew he was dying, his death was still a major blow for me and my brothers.  Mom especially took his death very hard.  She was never the same after he died.

I really don't know how I'm going to handle it when my Mother dies.  Even this morning, I could hardly talk to John without choking up.  The big sissy that I am.  Man oh man.  This is going to be hard.

Mom and Pop 1962

Me and Mom

Me and my Mom, Betty Hadfield Tipton - Christmas 1979 - Philadelphia, PA

Perhaps my shortest blog posting ever.  No words are necessary.  Me and Mom, 1979.

I miss you Mom.