Mother

Mother - September 2005

This morning I was looking for a picture to hang in the sun room, next to Bill's chair.  Bill spends a lot of time there and I wanted to find a picture that gave him comfort.  I looked in my Mom's bedroom (which she never had a chance to use before she died in September of 2010) where I store my extra pictures.  The picture at the top of this post is the one I found.  I had forgotten about this picture.

Me (left), the bros, and Mom 2005

I arranged to have a professional portrait picture taken of my Mother back in September of 2005.  She never had a professional picture taken of her.  I wanted one before she died.  She wasn't sick at that time but she wasn't getting any younger.  The circumstances of that Labor Day weekend were such that both of my brothers and I would all be at her home in Pennsylvania at the same time.  This would probably be the last time we were all together to get such a photo taken so I arranged with J. C. Penney to have it done.  I am glad I did so because about a year after this photo was taken she started to go downhill both physically and mentally.

Me and my biggest fan - my Mom - 2000

I am so glad I had this picture taken.  It shows my Mother as she was, a happy person who, in spite of her lonely and abusive childhood, was a happy person totally devoted to her family.  Yes, I was one of those lucky people who had a wonderful Mother for which I am forever grateful.

Mom, me (right) and brother Isaac (on the left) - 1945

I remember how shocked I was when I joined the Army and met other young men my age and discovered that not all of them had mothers like I had.  I just can't imagine not growing up without a mother.

My Mother's mother died when she was not quite two years old.  She was basically on her own from her youngest age.  When she met my dad at 16 years old she quickly got married and left home to live with him.  They were together sixty years until he died in 2000.  He was the only man in her life.  After he died, she was never quite the same.

Me and Mom at my paternal grandparent's grave - I always used to take Mom for a cemetery tour in the Spring

My brothers and I were totally devoted to her.  We knew what we had, The Best Mom In The World.  Oh sure, towards the end she was sometime difficult but we didn't hold that against her.  That was someone else who took over her brain and body.

Mom in her favorite faux fur coat on Washington Avenue in Downingtown, PA - 1947

The one thing my brothers and I will always be proud of, he promised Mom that we would never send her to a nursing home.  Even though at times we came close (really close), we were able to keep our promise.

Mom (center) with her cousin Sandy (left) and niece Elaine (right) - 2002

There is not a day that doesn't go by that I don't think of her and how she made me what I am today.

These days I often think of death and how I will handle my impending death.  First I'm old (70) so death isn't that far away from my door.  Secondly, I may have prostate cancer but I have decided not to go down that medical spiral of tests and treatment.  I hope to outlive my cancer (if I even have it).

I am not afraid of death.  I am afraid of a painful and humiliating death but I hope that doesn't happen.  The one thing that gives me comfort in my twilight years is the knowledge that either I will be reunited with my Mother in death or else death will provide an escape from this pain of not having her here.

Either way I win.

Me and Mom - the only lady ever in my life 

There Is Not a Day That Goes By....

Nancy (my niece), John (my brother) and Betty Tipton (my Mom)

that I don't think of her and miss her.

My Mother died last September 16th, after a long illness.  Towards the end she wasn't herself but she was still my Mom.

In October of 2009 my brother John and his wife came up from their home in South Carolina and to my Mom's home outside of Downingtown Pennsylvania.  My Mom had lived in that home since 1958.  My father died in August of 2000.  My other brother Isaac has lived with our Mom since then taking care of her.  However, last year she needed more care, so against her wishes but to keep her out of a nursing home, we moved her to my brother's home in Greenville, South Carolina.  There she was well taken care of, but very homesick.

In June of 2010 Bill and I took a trip south to visit her in Greenville and to visit Bill's hometown in Toccoa Georgia.  I had suspected that it was probably the last time I would see her and I was right.  She died three months later.

Two days ago I had an indication of my own mortality.  All kinds of thoughts went racing through my head, most of them not comforting.  But I did have one undeniably comforting thought.  If I should depart from this earth, the one thing that gives me a great deal of comfort is that someday I may see my Mom again.  If not, and if death is the Great Sleep, then this pain of missing her everyday will finally go away.

For you see, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her.  I had her for 68 years but that wasn't enough.  She was part of me and now that she is gone I am not whole.  When thoughts of her threatened to overwhelm me, I think of something else because I just can't deal with the pain of never talking to her ever.  I knew when she died last year that I would never be the same.  And I am not.

But I keep busy with my day to day activities.  I keep thoughts of her far in the distance.  I don't want to deal with it.

But this afternoon, while going through my many backed up e-mail messages I got this one from my great niece Lauren that contained some pictures of my Mother towards the end that I had never seen before.  These weren't the kind of pictures my brother John was sending to me.  The pictures where everyone was posing for the cameras.  Instead these were candid shots that captured The Moment.  The one of my brother with his arm around his mom and my niece Nancy is especially touching.

John had moved from Pennsylvania to South Carolina about thirty years ago.  He didn't see as much of his mom as Isaac and I did.  I'm glad he had this time with our Mom.  Maybe someday I will again see her.  If not then I know when I am gone the pain of her loss will finally end.

Mom, John and Lauren Payne (John's granddaughter)

Judge Judy

She shouts!

She insults!

She's sarcastic!

She's rude!

She's Judge Judy!

One of my little pleasures of daily life that I sorely missed when I moved to Delaware in November of 2006 was that I could no longer get the "Judge Judy" show on my television.

In Pennsylvania I had satellite television with local channels, which means I could get the syndicated "Judge Judy" show daily. In Delaware I could not get local channels thus I couldn't get the "Judge Judy" TV show. I went four years without "Judge Judy!" Last month DirecTV finally came through and now I can get the "Judge Judy" TV show right here in my comfy, cozy home here on the east side of Route 1 in Lower Slower Delaware.

Who is Judge Judy? Judge Judy is a former family court judge from New York who was discovered during a "60 Minutes" profile. For almost the last twenty years she has had her own TV show. She is the top rated syndicated TV show in the land and for good reason, she is good!

While Judge Judy is all of the above things I said about her, you have to understand the context in which she responds the way she does. Once you see the characters and their court cases not a who appear before her in court and their cases, you will understand all too clearly.

Judge Judy is real.

Judge Judy is smart.

Judge Judy is right.

The success of her show has spawned other "judge" shows but none come close to the authenticity of Judge Judy. Most of those other judge shows have come and gone and for good reason. They are fake and put on.

Then there are the reality shows like the rude restaurant owner (I can't even remember that idiot's name) and the some other shows on Bravo TV like the fashion show with Iman and the beauty salon show. The stars of those shows try to be like Judge Judy but they only come off as mean and cruel. There is only one Judge Judy.

Snag (what I will now call Bill, my partner heretofore referred to as S.O.) hates Judge Judy as does my good friend Bob C. They think she rude. Well............yes but as I've said she has good reason to be rude. Sometimes you have to hit a mule with a two by four between the eyes to get their attention.  She cuts through the BS and gets to the core of the matter. I love the look on the faces of some of plaintiffs and defendants when they realize their usual tricks aren't going to work with Judge Judy.

And then there is the other reason I like Judge Judy. It came to me the other night when I arrived home from work at the hotel late a night and turned on my DVR which had previously recorded the Judge Judy show that had aired earlier in the day. As the opening theme song played a warm, comforting feeling swept over my body. For an instance I didn't understand and then a very familiar feeling came to me.

When I lived in Pennsylvania I lived the next road over from my Mother. About three or four times a week I would take a ride over to visit my Mom. She would be lying on the platform bed that I had given her many years her cat Molly cuddled up next to her. I would walk in her living room and take a seat in the small rocker next to her bed. We would talk awhile and then she would grab her remote control and turn on the "Judge Judy Show." The opening song and credits would appear on her 30 inch Sony TV that my brother had set up high in the corner of her small living room. Then we would sit back and watch "Judge Judy" together.

Now when I watch "Judge Judy" I feel like I'm with my Mom again.


That is a good feeling.

Mom, Bill and Home

While searching through my thousands of pictures this afternoon I came across this picture of Significant Other and walking my Mother back to our old house in Pennsylvania.  This picture was taken shortly before we put our house up for sale in 2006.


I didn't want to sell our beautiful house which we built in 1980 on 6.845 acres of hillside, Pennsylvania woodland we purchased in 1976.  I had no choice.  I could no longer afford the ever increasing school and property taxes.  I had to put our house up for sale and move to Delaware where the taxes are lower and don't go up 15% to 25% every year.  


I had forgotten that I had taken this iconic picture of my longtime partner (we're in our 46th year now) and Mom.  Mom lived on the other side of the woods from our home which worked out well because we both could maintain our privacy but we were never more than a few minutes away from each other.


Mom didn't want us to move. 


We didn't want to move.  


We loved our home.  


We loved Pennsylvania. 


We had no choice.


Mom is gone now.  She died September 16, 2010.


Our old home in Pennsylvania is gone now.  The new owners defaulted on their mortgage and our once beautiful home and property is now a neglected Grey Gardens.   It was sold at a sheriff's sale this past November.  


Only Significant Other and I are left.  We are living in our new home in Delaware.  


I love our new home in Delaware but I do miss the home we lived in Pennsylvania.  Significant Other doesn't like Delaware nor our new home.  He doesn't like the flat, open landscape and lack of trees.  He still pines for our old home in Pennsylvania.  He feels like he lost a loved one when I sold the home.  


Just when I think I'm used to Mom being gone, I come across a picture like this that smacks me right in my face how much I miss her.  


Thank God I still have him.  

Thinking of Mom This Christmas

Giving Mom a Big Hug to make up for all those hugs she missed growing up by not having a mother

I thought I had reconciled myself to losing my Mom this past September 16th.  However, this Christmas season has brought back the depth of the loss all over again.  


Christmas season was always my Mom's time of the year.  Her birthday was on December 24th.  On of my earliest memories is of my Mom asking me not to combine her Christmas presents with her birthday presents.  Which is ironic because she never wanted me to buy her presents anyway.  


But each year I would buy her many Christmas presents and a birthday present.  I would always make sure to wrap her birthday present in birthday wrapping paper.  None of this taking a short cut and pulling out one of her Christmas presents, wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper, and saying "Here, this ONE is for your birthday."


A few weeks ago I was strolling around the Dover Shopping Mall while I was waiting for a satellite radio to be installed in my new Subaru at the dealer in Dover.  I usually migrate to J. C. Penney whenever I'm in a mall and this time was no exception.  So there I am wandering through the Ladies section looking for a new warm bathrobe or nightgown for Mom.  I always made sure to get her a nightgown that didn't have one of those lace trim collars.  She said they irritated her neck.  She also didn't want a nightgown with a plunging neckline because she said she could keep warm with her top half exposed.  Do you know how hard it is to find such a nightgown?  It's hard, believe me.  Thus this was my annual challenge which I didn't mind at all because it was for my Mom.  


So here I was, making the rounds through the aisles of the Women's department of J.C. Penney when I was jolted back into reality that my Mom is no longer here.  This is hard for me.  This is the first time in my adult life that I am not Christmas shopping for my Mom.


Many years ago I opted out of the Mandatory Christmas Shopping ritual.  The only person I continued to shop for was my Mom.  She told me over and over again "Don't buy me anything this year Ronnie because I don't need anything."  Of course I always ignored her plea because this was my Mom after all.  


Now I think of all those sweaters, nightgowns, bathrobes, jewelry, and other items that I bought for Mom that is now at Goodwill and the Salvation Army.  The only things my brothers and I didn't give to charity that was my Mom's jewelry.  That I will distribute to her nieces and grandnieces this spring when Bill and I visit South Carolina where they live.  


I was feeling pretty sad after my visit to the mall so I called my brothers John and Isaac and told them.  They told me they had similar feelings.  Something would remind them of Mom and then they would realize how much they missed her.  She was such a part of our lives, much more so than our father ever was.


Mom lived with Isaac at her home for ten years until she moved to John's place in South Carolina last October.  John used to look forward to coming home and stopping in and spending time with Mom.  Over the last thirty years or so he had seen or spent little time with her since he moved to Greenville, SC.  Although Mom needed more care, John was appreciative that he could spend this time with her.  He had almost a year with Mom.  Now he says when he comes home and sees the empty room where she used to stay, he feels so sad.  Probably sadder than he would have been if she hadn't moved in with him at all.


I guess there will be other times when it hits us especially hard that Mom isn't around anymore.  This season seems to be the hardest though.  

Mom and her Boys 2005

Me and Mom

Me and my Mom, Betty Hadfield Tipton - Christmas 1979 - Philadelphia, PA

Perhaps my shortest blog posting ever.  No words are necessary.  Me and Mom, 1979.

I miss you Mom.