Mom, Bill and Home

While searching through my thousands of pictures this afternoon I came across this picture of Significant Other and walking my Mother back to our old house in Pennsylvania.  This picture was taken shortly before we put our house up for sale in 2006.


I didn't want to sell our beautiful house which we built in 1980 on 6.845 acres of hillside, Pennsylvania woodland we purchased in 1976.  I had no choice.  I could no longer afford the ever increasing school and property taxes.  I had to put our house up for sale and move to Delaware where the taxes are lower and don't go up 15% to 25% every year.  


I had forgotten that I had taken this iconic picture of my longtime partner (we're in our 46th year now) and Mom.  Mom lived on the other side of the woods from our home which worked out well because we both could maintain our privacy but we were never more than a few minutes away from each other.


Mom didn't want us to move. 


We didn't want to move.  


We loved our home.  


We loved Pennsylvania. 


We had no choice.


Mom is gone now.  She died September 16, 2010.


Our old home in Pennsylvania is gone now.  The new owners defaulted on their mortgage and our once beautiful home and property is now a neglected Grey Gardens.   It was sold at a sheriff's sale this past November.  


Only Significant Other and I are left.  We are living in our new home in Delaware.  


I love our new home in Delaware but I do miss the home we lived in Pennsylvania.  Significant Other doesn't like Delaware nor our new home.  He doesn't like the flat, open landscape and lack of trees.  He still pines for our old home in Pennsylvania.  He feels like he lost a loved one when I sold the home.  


Just when I think I'm used to Mom being gone, I come across a picture like this that smacks me right in my face how much I miss her.  


Thank God I still have him.  

Rusty and Molly

Rusty and Molly - Mom's best friends

Back in 1998, a tortoise colored calico feral cat dropped a littler of three kittens in my dad's cornfield.  


My dad noticed the little puddle of multi-colored kittens when he was getting ready to plow under the dried corn stalks in his cornfield.  


Of the three kittens, two were male and one was a female.  


Snowball was an all white male and the largest of the three kittens.


Rusty was a tiger stripped big boned male.


Molly (aka later as "Miss Martha" when her dominant personality became known) was  classic gray, white and with a bit of orange calico female cat.


When my dad told my Mom what he found in the field, she wanted to rescue them.  Even though they were kittens of a feral cat, they were easily rescued.  My Mom brought them down to their house.  The Mother Cat seemed to appreciate that her kittens would be cared for.  However, she stopped around several times each day to check up on them, never letting any human getting near her.


My Mom would put out a plate of food for her which she would come down everyday and eat. She did this every day until one day she stopped coming around.  We found her along side the road a few days later.  She was dead, apparently hit by a speeding car.


In time the kittens grew up.  Snowball, the bit white male, was the dominant cat.  He protected his smaller brother and sister.


About the time the kittens were one year old, my Mom found Snowball dead by the back porch.  Apparently he got into a fight with the neighbor's dog who got loose.  Snowball lost defending his siblings.  


Molly took over as the Head Cat even though Rusty was much bigger.  Rusty, all his life, as big as he was, was always a Fraidy Cat.


Mom, Molly and Rusty enjoyed a close and harmonious relationship over the next twelve years.


Rusty thought he was "married" to Mom and was very protective of her.  Whenever Mom went out to hang up the clothes, there was Rusty guarding her.  Whenever Mom took her daily walk, there was Rusty on the sidelines, keeping an every watchful eye out for any potential mugger.

Rusty loving Mom

Molly was Mom's hot water bottle.  She always slept with Mom.  Rusty didn't like to stay inside the house.  He still had strong feral cat instincts.  If the weather got too cold, Rusty would relent and spend the in the enclosed front porch but come morning he wanted OUT.  If Mom didn't get him out fast enough, he would attack the door Garfield like.  The door has plenty of Rusty's claw marks to prove this.

"Miss Martha" in all her glory

When Mom's health began failing last October, we decided to move her to live with brother John in the South.  Isaac (my brother who was living with her) and I decided she couldn't survive another Pennsylvania winter, which proved to be very fortuitous given the back to back blizzards we had last year.


Mom couldn't take her cats with her.  They were used to the only home they knew.  Mom left without her cats.  They were the one thing she really missed when she moved south to my brother John's home.


Late this summer Rusty and Molly must have realized that Mom wasn't coming back.  Rusty died in August.  Molly died in September.  Mom died last month.  They're all together now.  And this is as it should be.  


This I believe with all my heart and soul.

Mom and her "hot water bottle" Molly

Yet Another Trip to Pennsylvania

Our old driveway 

My brother John is handling Mom's estate.  He called me late yesterday (after 3 pm) and told me that Mom's lawyer said that I didn't need her death certificate to cash in our jointly held  CD at her bank in Downingtown.  


As a former trust department bank employee (37 years) my first thought was "Uh, yes. Banks have rules and I probably do need a death certificate no matter what."  However, John assured me that Barry (the lawyer) said since it was a jointly held CD, and either one of us could cash it in at anytime, NO DEATH CERTIFICATE WAS NEEDED.  I think you all know where I'm going with this.


So the decision was to wait until the bank opened today (9:00 a.m.) and call and ask or take a chance and leave early this morning to avoid the traffic and be at the bank at 9:00 a.m. to get this out of the way.  


The weather forecast was for rain tomorrow.  I'm scheduled to work tomorrow and I don't like to make that 5-6 hour round trip on the same day I work.  I tend to become very irritable after driving for 5-6 hours.  When I'm irritable I'm not the kind of hotel front desk clerk that you want to encounter.  


Thursday, when I don't work, the forecast was for HEAVY rains.  That was out.  


Friday more rain was forecast.  I could make the trip up in the morning but I don't like to make the trip back in the afternoon to Lower Slower Delaware because of the Friday late afternoon weekend traffic.  


I make the decision to leave this morning, early.  You know the old saw about "the best laid plans of men and mice?"  Well, I got slammed with it today.


We (Bill, my Significant Other until DOMA is repealed then Bill will be my spouse) left our house in the dark at 5 a.m.  As we turned out of our development onto Route 1 I mentioned to Bill "Traffic is heavy for this time of morning isn't it?"  He agreed to the obvious, fearing that I was going to bitch about this state of affairs the rest of the way to Pennsylvania.  I did.


By the time 7 a.m. rolled around, and we were sitting in bumper to bumper traffic 10 miles outside of Newark, Delaware, I realized I was in the morning Rush Hour.  At this time rain started to fall lightly from the early morning gray skies.


Fast forward to 8:53 a.m. and we arrived in the parking lot of First Niagra Bank in the center of Downingtown.  My previous concern that I would have to kill time until the bank opened at 9 a.m. was long gone.  We had just completed what was normally a 2 1/2 hour trip to Downingtown, PA in 3 HOUR AND 45 MINUTES.


I go into the lobby of First Niagra Bank, having to pee real bad.  I try the door to the branch office.  It's locked.  An employee sees me, it is now 8:59 a.m.  She takes pity on me and opens the door.  First thing I ask her is where is the bathroom (I had to pee like a racehorse.)  She takes me through the bank lobby to show me how to get to the bathroom.  Two of the women tellers see me and shout "Hi Ron!  Good to see you!"  You see, I used to work at this bank in a Previous Life.  When I worked there in 2001 (where does the time go?) it was called First Financial Savings Bank.  After I left First Financial it went through several metamorphoses to Willow Grove Bank, Harleysville National Bank and it is now known as FIRST NIAGRA.  God help us.  


This is nothing unusual.  When I left First Fidelity Bank in Philadelphia I saw the name on my retirement checks go from First Union, Wachovia Bank and now Wells Fargo Bank.  Same thing with my retirement checks from Mellon Bank and Downingtown National Bank.  I've been, as they say, around the block a few times  in my 37 year banking career.  But I digress.


Back to the challenge at hand this morning.  One of the women who said "Hi Ron!" to me this morning was the same woman who open the CD in the joint name of my mother and myself lo these many years ago.  No problem right?  If you thought that, then you would be wrong.  


So we sit down.  She expresses her concern over the death of my Mother.  We talk about how we would like to die versus the long and lingering death my Mother had to endure.  This is not a good conversation for this early on a rainy Monday morning.  Then we get around to the business at hand.  I tell her that I want to cash in the CD that I held jointly with my Mother.  Ronnie (her name, ironies of ironies, right) crinkles her forehead and says, "Well, I'm not sure we can do that."  I KNEW IT!  I KNEW IT! I need a death certificate.  


She said with the previous bank rules I could probably have just cashed in the CD but First Niagra has a different sent of rules.  Of course they do.  Probably as a result of the new financial reform legislation.  One thing I noticed in all the years I've worked for a bank, every time there was a new set of financial reform legislation passed to prevent the insiders from robbing us, the rules always came down to another stupid assed hurdle to prevent customers from getting their own money out of the bank.  


Resigned to my fate, I ask Ronnie what do I have to do.  I really didn't want to make yet ANOTHER TRIP back to Pennsylvania.  I am SO OVER making that 2 1/2 trip (one way) to PA.  I've lost count how many times I've made that trip since I moved to Delaware in 2006.  


She had a good answer.  She told me that I only had to send a letter with the death certificate.  She said I didn't have to make the trip back.  Thank God.


So we chat a bit more and I'm on my way.  Bill wants to stop over at our old property again, which was sold at foreclosure last Monday.  I'm getting tired of that trip too.  How many times to I have to look at our formerly beautifully landscaped property that is now neglected and overgrown with weeds and looks like the Pennsylvania version of Gray Gardens?


We go up the branch strewn lane.  Bill gets out and takes some video.  I take a few pictures.  Then the gray skies above us decided to make a deposit on us from their water ladened clouds.

The rain doesn't stop Bill from yet another wistful tour of his former home

I get in the car.  Bill puts his umbrella up and continues to roam around our old property, taking yet more videos.  How many does he need anyway?  Finally, the rain was coming down so heavy that even he got into the car, getting raindrops over my new upholstery.  


We head out our old driveway, up Crawford Road, to Fisherville Road and then the Rt. 30 bypass to Sadsburyville where we will get on Rt. 10 that will take us to Rt. 896 (farmland), which in turn will take us to Rt. 1 and HOME in Lower Slower Delaware.


By the time we're on the Rt. 30 bypass, my windshield wipers are going "THRAWCK!  THRAWCK! THRAWCK!"  Yes, boys and girls, it is raining that hard.  


Somehow I maneuver my way in the blinding rain down the ten miles to the McDonald's in Sadsburyville.  I couldn't pull over on the bypass for fear of being plowed out of existence by a semi so my plan was to make it to McDonald's and a late breakfast/early lunch and wait out the storm.  


We get into McDonald's.  There weren't many people in McDonald's but there was the Required Screaming Kid.  Never fails.  It seems as if I'm always blessed with one of these Little Darlings in a restaurant.  A little kid who NEEDS ATTENTION.  I endure.


In time the rains let up.  But not before the Screaming Kid wanders over to our side of the restaurant (I insisted that we sit on the other side of the room as far as possible from the Little Darling.)  The Little Angle stops before our booth and stars at us, two old, really OLD men nursing their milkshakes.  Mom comes by and scoops him up and leaves the restaurant.  


Now that the rain has let up, it is time for us to leave too. 


The trip back to Delaware is uneventful, punctuated periodically by a heavy downpour.  Thank God the traffic was light. However, my brand new 2010 red Subaru Forester is thoroughly coated with that lovely road spray.  A car wash is in my near future.


We got home at 1:30 p.m.  I call John and tell him my experience. John is used to me telling him of "my experiences."  I tell him I need a death certificate.


I'm done for the day  I go into my bedroom and take a nap,  A THREE HOUR NAP.  


I just got up.  


I'm writing about it now.  


I'm wondering what kind of adventure awaits me tomorrow.  

Bill and I stopped at a roadside Amish stand on Rt. 10 on the way home.  

  

Moving On

Me, John and Isaac at Happy Days restaurant in Thorndale, PA September 20, 2010

We're alright.  My brothers John and Isaac and me, we're alright.


We laid Mom to rest Monday.  


I left Pennsylvania early yesterday for my home in coastal Delaware.


John and his wife Barb left Pennsylvania early this morning for their home in Greenville, South Carolina.  


Isaac will stay at the longtime family home in Downingtown, Pennsylvania.


I talked to both John and Isaac this morning on the phone.  We're all doing alright.  


Mom led a good, long life.  She lovingly raised three fine boys.  She did her job.  


No false modesty here, she did a great job with us.  We were a handful growing up.  Three personalities as different as can be, yet she met the challenge.  


There was that one comment she made a few years ago when she was reminiscing about the job she did raising us.  She said "I'm glad none of my boys ended up in prison."  SAY WHAT?  I said "Mom!  Why would you even think that?"  She was a bit embarrassed when I questioned her but I think I know where she was coming from.  When she was a young girl in Downingtown, a trusted banker and local, upright citizen was found to have embezzled money from the local bank.  That event, along with being a child of the Depression shook her faith in people.  So that's maybe why she raised us as she did.  To never lie,  cheat, or steal.  If we did we knew we would have to face MOM.  


Thanks Mom.  You raised us right.   Of course you eliminated a career possibility for all three of us.  We could never become politicians.

Back Home In Delaware

We laid Mom to rest yesterday.


Under a cloudless, clear blue sky at noon yesterday; John, Barbara,  Isaac and I arrived at the James J. Terry Funeral Home in Downingtown to pay our last respects to our Mother.  


Jim Terry and his staff at the funeral home had everything perfectly in place.  The soft music from the memorial DVD of old photos that I made of Mom was playing as we entered the viewing room.  


Mom was resting in her white metal casket, surrounded by a colorful rainbow of flowers and two candles glowing softly at each end of casket.  Seeing those beautiful flowers reminded me of the many times I took Mom to funerals of family members and how she enjoyed seeing the many flower arrangements.  She always asked me to check the tags to see who sent the flowers.  She wouldn't be doing that this morning.  Already, another reminder of how much I will miss her.


The doors to the viewing room were opened at 1 pm to let in her friends and relatives.  The first people I saw were my good friends and former high school classmates, the "Two Judys."  What a pleasant surprise. Neither one of the Judy's knew my Mother personally, but they still stopped by to pay their respects.  Friends, there is no greater treasure in this life than good friends.


Another classmate of mine, Jack, also came through the door to pay his respects.  That was the way the rest of the day went, full of pleasant surprises.


Perhaps the only time where I really began to lose it was when my mother's sister, Aunt Ruthie, was wheeled in by her husband Spike to see her sister who basically raised her when she was a young child.  Ruth was the youngest in my Mother's family.  She was the daughter of my grandfather's third wife.  My Mother was the youngest daughter of his first wife.  My Mom's mother died when she was only a year and a half old.   Ruthie was inconsolable.  She stretched her thin arms out from her wheelchair and placed them on the edge of my Mother's coffin.  She looked up at my Mother then dropped her head between her arms and her thin shoulders began to shake as she cried.   I gave her some tissues to wipe away the tears that were streaming down her face.  After a few moments Spike wheeled her away to the side of the room.  Later on I glanced over and saw her, still starring with pained disbelief at her sister who was now gone from her life forever. 

Ruthie on my Mom's shoulder

Ruthie, my brother Isaac and Mom

The rest of the service went well.  My brother John, the pastor, performed the services.  Mom would have been proud of him.  Our nephew Ikey read a passage from the bible.  Later, Ikey said he was too nervous and did "terrible", that was not so.  His Mom-Mom would have been proud of him.

All too soon the services were over.  Jim Terry made an announcement that the pall bearers were to step aside while those remaining went up to the front of the room to say goodbye to Mom for the last time.  

Then it was time for Mom's last trip.  

Our funeral procession snaked it's way through the late afternoon traffic on Rt. 30 to Rt. 322.  We would be going to the Hopewell Methodist Church Cemetery just past Guthriesville.  Mom would be laid to rest just a short distance down the road from where she lived for over fifty years on Hopewell Road.  

When John and Barbara took Mom south with them last October 17th to spend the winter; John had always promised he would bring Mom home.  Today would be that day.  

Bill didn't attend the former services.  He can't handle that.  But he did want to pay his final respects to his good friend Betty.  Bill and my Mom were only four years apart in age (he younger.)  Forty six years ago when Mom invited me to a Thanksgiving Dinner, I said I would come with only one requirement....that I could bring my friend.  Mom had never met Bill before but she knew that he was my "friend."  She reluctantly agreed.  She didn't regret her decision.  Bill and my Mom became best friends. 

Bill waiting

Bill wanted to be with his friend Betty today. After everyone left the cemetery, Bill stayed and waiting for the men to come and fill in Mom's grave.  The men took a long time.  But Bill stayed with Mom just like he did all the times he took her for her cancer treatments, visits to the doctor and Mom's favorite activity, shopping trips to the dollar store.

It was dark when the men finished with Mom's grave.  

Bill left for our home in Delaware in the dark.  Bill has a hard time driving in the dark.  He will be 82 years old this Sunday.  But he wanted to make sure his friend Betty was properly taken care of this one last time.  

Bill did get lost but he finally arrived home last last night.  

I woke up at 2:30 this morning.  I left Mom's former house at 4 o'clock to go home.  I don't like driving in the dark either but I wanted to go home too.  

I had a lot of time to think on the 2 1/2 hour drive to our Delaware home just off Rt. 1, a few miles down the road from Milton, DE.  Bill was surprised when I drove in the garage at 6:30.  He was glad to see me.

Now we can begin anew.  I'm happy, no longer sad.  Mom is in a better place now.  She is not suffering or in pain.  She is not a burden (which she always feared her whole life) to anyone.  She is in a perfect place now.  Someday, we will join her.  

I go to work today.  I'm ready for the old, normal, sometimes boring routine.  But, my life will never be the same.  She's gone.  

No sadness here.  Mom lived a good, long life.  There is only happiness when we relive our memories of this wonderful and unique woman.  She was the best Mom that three totally different brothers could have had.  We were sometimes a handful as only three boys only a year apart in age could be.  But we never stopped loving our Mom.  She was always the Boss and we always listened to her.  She is the reason we are who we are today.  Her legacy will live on. 

Goodbye Mom.

Mom with her Three Terrors -  Me, John and Isaac - 2005

Saying Goodbye To Mom

Mom (my brother Isaac's picture)

John brought Mom home Friday. 

This afternoon we say goodbye to Mom. 

I'm at my brother Isaac's computer now.  It's still dark outside.  The time is 6:30 am.

This is the first opportunity since I arrived at Mom's home to update my blog.  Friday and Saturday I stayed at the Hampton Inn in Lionville.  They have a computer but I could only access information, not input information. 

As anyone who knows me and regular readers of this blog know, writing is my therapy.  My blog is my therapy.  Because I haven't been able to write since I arrived in Pennsylvania, I'm a bit off kilter. 

This will be a brief posting.  Isaac is up.  John and Barb are still sleeping upstairs.  They will be up shortly.  Once we all wash up then we'll go out for breakfast. 

Services for Mom will be this afternoon at the James J. Terry Funeral Home in Downingtown. 

We'll go in to say goodbye to her at 12:30.  The viewing is 1:00.  John will perform the services at 2:00.  Then we will begin Mom's final trip to the Hopewell Methodist Church Cemtery on Hopewell Road, just down the road a bit from Mom's home.  That home will be Isaac's home now. 

Bill is coming up today.  He will not attend the services.  He ca n't take funerals.  He's still getting over the loss of his dogs over ten years ago.  But he wants to be here when Mom takes her final trip. 

I'm not sure when I'm going back to Delaware.  Maybe after the services today, maybe early tomorrow morning.  I'll have to see how I feel after we leave Mom who now will lie next to Pop at that grave site that she so often visited the past ten years since he died in August of 1980.

This day will be interesting. All of us have done pretty well in holding it together. 

I thought I might lose it yesterday when I attended my 51st class reunion.  That was a coincidence.  I wasn't planning on making a special trip in attending that reunion which was at Hoss's Restuarant, right next to the Hampton Inn.   But since I was up here I thought "Why not?"  It would take my mind off of Mom for awhile. 

Several of my former classmates came up to me and expressed their condolences.  They had seen Mom's obituary in the Daily Local News.  I thought I might get blubbery but I didn't. 

Today will be a different story when me and my brothers stand in the receiving line by our Mom, welcoming relatives and friends saying goodbye to their friend Betty, Aunt Betty, or "Mom-Mom", as she is know by her five grandchildren and eleven great grandchildren. 

Today will also be closure.  Nineteen years ago, when I attended the untimely death of my good friend Alice was the first time I realized the importance of our unique funeral tradition of our western culture. 

It is not for the deceased but for the survivors.  For all those who knew and loved her to pay their final respects and bring to closure this chapter of their lives.  I know for myself, I will never be the same. 

My brothers and I are one of the fortunate children of this world who had a mother who was the best mother anyone could have had.  If me and my brothers could have chosen a mother, we could not have got a better mother. 

Mom literally devoted her whole life to Pop and her "three boys", as she always used to call us.  She never did for herself.  She only lived to make our lives better.

As my cousin Jackie (the son of Mom's older sister Grace) often said "I don't know what Grandpop Hadfield did to those Hadfield girls but they all spent their lives only for their family." 

My Aunt Grace had two sons, Jackie and Charlie.  My Mom's other sister Jeannette (who is 93 years old and living Simpson Meadows) had one daughter and four sons.  All three sisters spent their whole lives for their husbands and children. 

Yes, we were all so blessed to have these three sisters who grew up without a mother to be such wonderful mothers themselves. 

Today we will say goodbye to Mom. 

Mom - Betty Louise Hadfield Tipton

My beautiful Mom with my Dad - 1958

Even though I knew my Mom was dying it is still a shock to the system.  As much as one prepares for something like this, it still isn't enough.  This is my Mother.  The one person in the world who is responsible for the person that I am today.  She has always been my rock.  She has always been my best friend.  All my life she has always helped me.  Always.


Now she is gone.  I'm still not sure how I feel.  I'm mostly holding it together.  I've lost "it" a few time and, undoubtedly will lose it a few more time in the coming days.


For the first time in my life I feel totally alone.  Mom is always....ALWAYS someone I could go to.  The last year or so we gradually grew apart as she slipped into early dementia. But she still had her good moments.


I am so thankful that I visited her this past June.  I suspected that it would be the last time I would see her.  However, I didn't think she would be gone this soon.  One is never ready for something like this.

Mom and me at John's home in Greenville, SC in June 2010

This is the e-mail I received from my sister-in-law Barbara today:


"After about 3 weeks on hospice care, Mom passed away here in our Greenville home at 12:30 pm today.  She was unresponsive, out of pain, and comfortable for many days now.  At 12:30 pm today (Thursday) she simply took her last berath and is now at peace.  Mom did make pofession of faith, and we are trusting that she is now with the Lord"


Services will be held for Mom on Monday, 2 pm at the:


James J. Terry Funeral Home
736 East Lancaster Avenue
Downingtown, PA 19335


The viewing will take place at 2 pm


My brother John Tipton will conduct services at 3 pm at the funeral home


After the services Mom will be transported to the Hopewell Methodist Church on Hopewell Road in East Brandywine Township to her final resting place.  She will be with Pop again.

Mom with her cousin Sandy Hadfield Hart and niece Elaine Reynolds Tyson 2005

I am leaving for Downingtown tomorrow and will not be back at my computer until next week.

I leave with this thought about my mother who spent her whole life caring for her family:

"Peaceful by thy rest, dear mother, it is sweet to breathe thy name, as in life we loved you dearly.  So in death we do the same."

Mom displaying her new hairdo - 2005 

Mom

Betty Louise Hadfield Tipton

December 24, 1923 - September 16, 2010

The Vigil

Maggie comforting Mom - yesterday

This morning I talked to John.  They don't expect Mom to make it through the day.


Mom has been unresponsive for the past 36 hours.  Her eyes haven't closed.  She has been in the same position in her bed for the past ten days.  


Yesterday, Maggie got on her bed.  Maggie knows.


Maggie is Barbara's dog.  Maggie has been Mom's constant companion since we moved Mom down to John and Barb's home in Greenville last October.  


Maggie knows she isn't supposed to get on Mom's bed.  Yesterday she ignored that rule.  She knows.