Comfortable With My Decision

 

Me swimming in Provincetown Bay, summer 1979

Now that I have made my decision not to seek further treatment for my prostate cancer I feel so relieved. 

I didn't expect to feel this way. I expected that I would have made the lessor of two bad choices but instead I feel this vast relief. Now I know how I will live the rest of my life. On my own terms, which is as it should be.

Here are the next steps I take:

This June I will again have a blood test to determine if my PSA score has increased significantly. I will also have a PET-SCAN procedure to determine if my prostate cancer has spread to other parts of my body.

I am taking these tests out of curiosity and not to determine what kind of treatment (chemo, or surgery) to have. I've already made up my mind that if my cancer has returned I will continue to live my life as I have been the last thirteen years. 

I have determined that at my age, eighty-fours years old, any further treatment would diminish what quality of life I have left now. I have other old age ailments and I do not want to add to those ailments just to gain a few more years of life when I enter into my late eighties and early nineties. Quite frankly folks, I don't want to live to be as old as Bill, who was ninety-five years old when he died. His last three years of life were pure misery for him. He had no quality of life. I will not take that route as my exit from this fabulous life that I have had in this existence. 

I will inform both of my doctors, my urologist and my main doctor at the VA of my decision not to seek treatment for my prostate cancer. I will also ask them that if and when my prostate cancer gets really bad, like spreading to my bones or other organs in my body, to sign on to my wish end my life. All I need in Delaware now is for two doctors to verify I have less that six months to live.

Looks folks, we're all going to die. That's a certainty. The only difference with me is that I get to determine when I die, if it should come to that. Of course there is always the possibility I will die of something else. In fact it is a very good possibility I could die of something else before my prostate cancer consumes this old body. In the meantime I continue on as I have my past eighty-four years. Living life to the fullest. Just the thought of undergoing more grueling treatments and/or surgery was depressing me. I'm not depressed anymore. I'm happy.

If it should come to the pull the plug on myself, that's somewhat ironic because I am that family member who was always chosen to take the pet to the vet to have them put to sleep. No body else in my family could or would do it. At last count I took two of my Mother's Dogs, and five of our (me and Bill) dogs to the vet. I also took one of my pet chickens (she broke her leg). If I could have the humanity to put out pets out of their final days of suffering I surely can take myself out. As I've said many times before on this blog, I've had a good run here folks. Any more days I have left, it's all gravy now. And yes, Pat is aware of my decision. He would prefer e to get treatment but he understands my decision and if it comes to that, he will be with my, holding my hand as I pass. If and when that happens he will post a final blog posting here to let you all know. In the meantime, I will continue to make waves.