I Died and Asked God The Real Purpose of Life — His Answer Shocked Me”

Ever wonder why we're here? 

Ever wonder what the purpose of our life is?

I have. Many times. Especially since Bill died. My purpose of life seem to have ended.

When Bill first became ill (January of 2021), I thought I lost him after he was airlifted to  the Thomas Jefferson Hospital in Philadelphia. I found Bill on the floor that morning, unconscious. I never thought I would see him alive again. 

That evening while checking my mail I found a note from Glenn M. He was the longtime partner of Mike W., a longtime follower of my blog. He informed me that his Michael had died. He wanted me to know. I was so distraught that evening I called Glenn and thus we began a mutually beneficial friendship to this day of emotional support. During one of our many Zoom conversations I asked Glenn "Do you know why we're here?" He immediately answered "To learn." Immediately that made sense to me. "To learn." None of this we're here to praise God. We're here to accept "the Lord" Jesus Christ as our savior. This is some big test that if he don't pass we're going to burn in Hell for eternity. All that nonsense never made sense to me. But "to learn", now that made sense. 

Indeed as I look over the past eighty-three years of my life I have learned a lot. I'm still learning. 

Today I found this You Tube video while perusing my You Tube account, where I spend a lot of my time these days. After listening to this video, now my life makes complete sense. This woman has the answer and it is very simple, the purpose of our life is to LEARN TO LOVE. This is a little more than just "to learn." LEARN TO LOVE. 

No judgment. No test. Just learning to love.

I remember when I started out my life I was mostly about myself and just surviving. Starting out as a gay man I already had a major strike against me. Then to have a father who consistently belted belittled me, I thought I was worthless. But I had this drive to survive. I never once gave serious thought to drowning my life in drugs or alcohol or self pity. Well, maybe a little bit of self pity. I'm good at that. 

From the time I was twelve years old I knew I had to get out of the chaotic family life I was trapped in. I knew that wasn't my goal in life. I wanted more. What to do though? I wasn't particularly smart or talented. I didn't have the benefit of family wealth. Like millions of others of my ilk during the Forties and Fifties, we were literally dirt poor. We (my two younger brothers) didn't even wear shoes in the summertime. That was for school. Hard to believe? It's true. The only people poorer than we were  "The Coloreds" who lived in the alley behind us on Washington Avenue. I remember once when I accepted an invitation from Gracie Styer to visit her home after school one day, one of my few black (a term that was not used in the Forties and Fifties) classmates. I was shocked at the shack her family lived in on Cox Alley, the street behind our apartment building. "Street" is a quaint term, it literally was an alley. I thought my family lived in a dump, hers was even worse. I was shocked that her family lived in such a place, little more than a furnish dog house. But I'm drifting down another lane here as I am wont to do when reminiscing about my early life.

At around twelve years old I knew I had to escape that life and........what? What I remember at that time was that I just wanted to live in a regular house with a back yard like most of my classmates. The three blocks where I walked to elementary school I would pass their houses with envy. They had a backyard where they could play. They didn't play down by the railroad tracks that smelled of tar like me and my friend Chubby did. As I got older I realized that, like Cinderella, I wanted to meet my Prince Charming who would sweep me away into that life. 

Ten years later, at twenty-two years old, I did meet my Prince Charming when I met Bill Kelly

Bill Kelly 1976 (we met in 1964) in Philadelphia,, PA

at that gay bar in center city Philadelphia. Ironically, at that time I didn't realize he was my Prince Charming. I thought he was just an older man (Bill was thirty-five years old) who was attracted to me. We began a friendship but I made it clear to him that I wasn't in love with him but only considered him as a good friend. I moved in with him when it was mutually beneficial to both of us. He traveled a lot with his job at RCA then General Electric, sometimes for three months at a time. He wanted someone to watch his first floor garden apartment in Pennsauken, New Jersey and I needed a place to stay when I started my $70 a week banking job across the Delaware River in Philadelphia. It was an arrangement that worked for both of us. 

In the ensuing Fifty-nine years we lived together I had several serious affairs that almost ended our relationship but Bill always stuck with me when those foolish affairs ended, always badly. Bill literally saved me from ruining my life on more than one occasion. So many times. Just a few of the names I almost left Bill were George Vishinsky, Brad Corrill, Bob Murphy, Paul Bickerstaff, and Harold Harnish. Yes, I'm naming names. All but Paul and Bob have died. Coincidentally Bob Murphy, also the name of my straight neighbor, now lives nearby in Rehoboth Beach with his husband. Last year he took me out to lunch (first time he ever paid for a meal with me) after not seeing me for forty-five years. He's happy with his partner. I'm happy for him. I have seen Paul on Facebook. He lives in Florida now but doesn't post too often. Those other guys, if I had left Bill and lived my life with them I would have literally ruined my life. Oh did I ever learn. I thought I loved them but they didn't love me. For their own reasons they all initiated a relationship with me, not me with them. Through it all though, Bill was there for me. My steady pillar. 

Last February of 2024, when I spent the last three days of his life with Bill at the hospice center as he was dying all I kept saying to those who were trying to console me was "He put up with me!" Even as I say that now, I tear up. "Bill put up with me!"

 Here he was my Prince Charming all along and I didn't even know I was living with him. 

Bill awaits me in Heaven now. I don't know when I'll die but at eighty-four years old, it can't be long now. I look forward to when I pass on and spend my life with his spirit in eternity. In the meantime, I have learned how to love and I will love Pat

Pat and me in Palm Springs this past February. This is where Pat will eventually live after we get married. I'll stay here in Delaware. I'll visit Pat, especially in the winter!

all my remaining days. Loving Pat is different than loving Bill. With Bill, he was like a father or older brother figure to me when we met. Of course that changed over the years to the point that I was his full-time caregiver. One of the if not the greatest privilege of my life, caregiving for Bill there remaining three. years of his life. Pat is like my little brother I never had. Yes, I did have two younger brothers but I was never close to them. One has died and my other brother is still alive but lost to the MAGA world. I haven't talked to him for years and I doubt if I ever will again. 

With what time I have left in this world I am going to use what I learned in my life and that is to LEARN HOW TO LOVE (the meaning of life), and just love Pat with all I can give him. 

Pat is a pure sole. So good hearted. I think he loves me but not in the same way as Bill. He's quite content to continue living by himself and that's alright with me. I want him to be happy. Because I love him. At this point in my life, it's not about me but about who I love. 

Pat just called me on FaceTime, as he does every day for the thirteen years that I have known him. I don't think we have ever went one day without talking on FaceTime. We don't see each other in person as often as we did when Bill was alive and I had a part-time job that I could afford to take the four trips a year that we got together. It's interesting because when I was with Bill he always wanted to be with me in person. Sometimes too much, I felt smothered. But with Pat, he doesn't have that interest in being with me in person. He's a loner. But we all need somebody in our life even though we live alone. Actually I'm a loner too, it was an anomaly that I was able to physically live in the same house with Bill all those years and of course I miss his presence in this house every day. I didn't realize how good I had it. But I think if Pat and I lived together 24/7, it wouldn't work. 

We're brought up to believe the ideal living arrangement is the nuclear family. Man, woman and 2.3 children, preferably a boy and a girl and a dog (or cat). But love comes in all forms as I have learned in this life. This is what I have learned.

It took a while but now I know my purpose in this life. Oh yes, we live many lives but that is a subject for another blog post.