This was another one of those mornings that I couldn't get back to sleep after my nighttime visit to the bathroom.
This is the second time in a week this has happened. So here I am at 4:13 AM in the morning, lying in bed wide awake. What to do? Get up and start my day, that's what I do.
There is an advantage to getting up this early, I get a lot done. For sure there is a lot to get done around here at Casa Tipton-Kelly. This morning I'm doing my wash. I cleaned out the inside of my twenty-year old GE Whirlpool washing machine first before I loaded my sheets into my washer. The inside ridge. I don't think I ever cleaned that part of the washing machine since Bill and I moved here. Exciting subject for blog reading, huh?
I tell you folks what I'm thinking. Remember back a couple of weeks ago when I told you that a week and a half before Bill died he called me to him to tell me "something." He said "Something has changed. I want you to know I wish you and Pat are very happy together." I told him "Thank you but don't concern yourself about me and Pat, I'm taking care of you now." I thought that was very generous of Bill to tell me that but then I wondered "What was the 'something''? Well, I think I know now. I know I've said this before but I don't think I'm long for this life.
I think my time is close.
Lately I've been recalling different episodes in my life, with clarity.
I also have begun what Bill had begun a few years before he died. I'm cleaning out. No, not everything. Bill's bedroom is as it was before he died. I have decided not to change anything. I often go in there and talk to him even though I've never felt his presence. However, I do feel Bill's presence all the time with me. He is with me almost every day wherever I go and whatever I do. I talk to him in my mind (telepathy) and sometimes out loud. He always talks to me by telepathy. Just like he's talking to me now using his pet name for me. But like Bill started to collect his tools, that he knew he would never use again, I'm collecting and reviewing my massive papers, mementos and photos. I do have a lot of stuff.
To my right, as I sit here typing this day's blog I see the morning light rise through the window of this small bedroom that I use as my home office.
Thus begins another day of life for this eighty-three year old man whose body is more rapidly failing him. I do hope that when my time comes it's quick and painless. I don't want to go like Bill did, having a stroke and becoming an invalid that needed care for the remaining three years of his life. I don't want to put that burden on Pat. Bill was also blind (macular degeneration). He couldn't read which he so loved. He only had peripheral vision. If I couldn't read I would prefer to die. I started out reading as a young boy and continue to do so every day of my life in spite of the unbelievable advances in technology like the Internet and what I'm doing now. If all else fails (we finally have that nuclear war that I've been warned about all my life), at least I have my eyes and I can read.
Lately I have noticed an increase in my mental failings. I failed to turn off my computer again last night. I hate to leave my computer on all night connected to the Internet, vulnerable to whatever evil that is lurking out there just waiting for an opportunity to hack my computer.
I am tired too folks. Tired. I've lived a long life. A long good life. Better than most. Yes, even better than many famous and rich people. And you know why? Because I had that rare gift, the total and unconditional love of a human being (Bill) for most of my adult life. How many people can say that?
Bill awaits me in Heaven. That I know. Last week an old friend (from my school days), who is one of those evangelicals who is always trying to "save" people, sent me another one of his booklets in the mail. At first I was very annoyed when he does things like that (the hubris he displays he has no clue), but now I think "that's his thing." He's just responding to the latest sermon his church pastor sent them out to do. That's his thing. I know my answer. I know Bill awaits me in the Afterlife. Our spirits will be reunited again. This is what I know.
So today I will begin another day of my routine, hoping I don't trip and fall and end up in the hospital like I have in the past. I want to continue to go about my life here at Casa Tipton-Kelly with my lifetime of memories. Then perhaps if I am lucky. If whatever there is Up There (God?) favors me, I will one day feel a little off and sit down until the dizziness goes away like I have in the past. Only this time when that happens it will be my Final Call and I will pass away from this physical life here on earth and again be reunited with the love of my life, Bill Kelly.
This I know for certain.
1 comment:
Apart from your mentions of Bill of whom, of course, I know nothing (it hardly needs saying) other than what you've told us - some of the rest about your own awarenesses are quite familiar to me - sleepnessless for hours after a nocturnal 'visit', forgetting to do or remeber certain things, dire feeling that I may not be here much longer, vivid recollections of certain episodes in life, most especially early ones from childhood which hadn't troubled me before....and so on. Just typing this has become more onerous than it would have done recently. And these thoughts and actions have been with me for at least several months now, even perhaps the last couple of years - or more. Not wishing at all to downplay your own thoughts on this serious matter, unless the BOTH of us are shortly to depart, I can maybe reassure you a little that you are by no means alone. Of course, it could mean that we are BOTH going to come to the end around the same time, in which case it would be nice if we could travel onwards together, would it not? Best wishes as ever, anyway. :-)
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