A Midsummer's Night Dream and Other Ramblings

 Good morning folks!

I had another one of those early to bed and early up mornings. 

Last night after dinner I suddenly slipped into almost total exhaustion. 

I eat late, sometimes as late as nine or nine-thirty at night. Last night was a little earlier, I finished at 8:30 PM. But suddenly I was so tired I could hardly put one foot in front of another. I was planning on Face timing Pat as I usually do every evening but I wasn't even up for that enjoyable, daily tradition I've had with Pat going on twelve years now. I was so tired I didn't even have time for my nightly snack (a brownie was on deck last night to be devoured). 

It doesn't take too long for me to get to sleep, something that has always amazed Pat (he says "As soon as your head hits the pillow you're out.")

And out I was until I had to get up at around one o'clock for a bathroom visit. I tried to get back to sleep but it wasn't a deep sleep, instead very "surfacey" sleep. I finally got up at around 3 AM and here I am now. 

I think what's been knocking me out is this oppressive heat and humidity I've had to endure for the past month where I live in the southern most country here on the Delmarva peninsula. I might as well be in Florida. 

I want so back to get outside and do one of my favorite activities, trimming a weeding my almost once acre oasis here at Casa Tipton-Kelly where I am somewhat insulted from the stress and chaos that is the world now. I love my house and my almost one acre paradise. Few activities invigorate me more than "working outside." 

During this heat spell, about the only thing I have done outside is change my fish pond filter. That I have to do every four or five days and even then I have to perform that necessary task at the end of the day when the sun goes down before darkness descends on Casa Tipton-Kelly. Usually I am accompanied by the incessant barking of my widowed neighbor's Australian cattle dog poodle mix dog Cleopatra. She wants to play ball!

Me and Cleo on my neighbors deck this past July 4th

 

I have my routine down pretty pat now, so I can accomplish this task fast before the mosquitos figure out a way to get around the mosquito net I have around my hat. One day last week they did and I had those damn itchy mosquito bites on the back of my neck, ears and even on my cheeks (face). They were angry, probably because once they got in my mosquito net they couldn't get out.

Me and my mosquito net hat - not my best look

During these brutal heat and humidity days (temperatures in the low 90's and humidity also in the 90's), I'm trapped in my house. 

Trapped! Just like the dead of winter when the cold traps me in my house. Of course these are the time when I can clean out drawers, dust from top to bottom and finally sort out more contributions to my local Restore (Habitat for Humanity) store. But I'm rarely in the mood for that activity. I want to work outside. 

Today I think I get a reprieve. Thunderstorms rolled in last night. Right now outside is a cool 72 degrees. I'll take it!

Have a great day everyone!

Atop Curahee Mountain, Bill's hometown in Toccoa Georgia, May 3rd, 2011,
From this mountain top Bill and my ashes will be scattered at an unknown date in the future.

Can't Sleep!

 This was another one of those mornings that I couldn't get back to sleep after my nighttime visit to the bathroom. 

This is the second time in a week this has happened. So here I am at 4:13 AM in the morning, lying in bed wide awake. What to do? Get up and start my day, that's what I do.

There is an advantage to getting up this early, I get a lot done. For sure there is a lot to get done around here at Casa Tipton-Kelly. This morning I'm doing my wash. I cleaned out the inside of my twenty-year old GE Whirlpool washing machine first before I loaded my sheets into my washer. The inside ridge. I don't think I ever cleaned that part of the washing machine since Bill and I moved here. Exciting subject for blog reading, huh?

I tell you folks what I'm thinking. Remember back a couple of weeks ago when I told you that a week and a half before Bill died he called me to him to tell me "something." He said "Something has changed. I want you to know I wish  you and Pat are very happy together." I told him "Thank you but don't concern yourself about me and Pat, I'm taking care of you now." I thought that was very generous of Bill to tell me that but then I wondered "What was the 'something''? Well, I think I know now. I know I've said this before but I don't think I'm long for this life.

I think my time is close. 

Lately I've been recalling different episodes in my life, with clarity. 

I also have begun what Bill had begun a few years before he died. I'm cleaning out.  No, not everything. Bill's bedroom is as it was before he died. I have decided not to change anything. I often go in there and talk to him even though I've never felt his presence. However, I do feel Bill's presence all the time with me. He is with me almost every day wherever I go and whatever I do. I talk to him in my mind (telepathy) and sometimes out loud. He always talks to me by telepathy. Just like he's talking to me now using his pet name for me. But like Bill started to collect his tools, that he knew he would never use again, I'm collecting and reviewing my massive papers, mementos and photos. I do have a lot of stuff. 

To my right, as I sit here typing this day's blog I see the morning light rise through the window of this small bedroom that I use as my home office.

Thus begins another day of life for this eighty-three year old man whose body is more rapidly failing him. I do hope that when my time comes it's quick and painless. I don't want to go like Bill did, having a stroke and becoming an invalid that needed care for the remaining three years of his life. I don't want to put that burden on Pat. Bill was also blind (macular degeneration). He couldn't read which he so loved. He only had peripheral vision. If I couldn't read I would prefer to die. I started out reading as a young boy and continue to do so every day of my life in spite of the unbelievable advances in technology like the Internet and what I'm doing now. If all else fails (we finally have that nuclear war that I've been warned about all my life), at least I have my eyes and I can read.

Lately I have noticed an increase in my mental failings. I failed to turn off my computer again last night. I hate to leave my computer on all night connected to the Internet, vulnerable to whatever evil that is lurking out there just waiting for an opportunity to hack my computer. 

I am tired too folks. Tired. I've lived a long life. A long good life. Better than most. Yes, even better than many famous and rich people. And you know why? Because I had that rare gift, the total and unconditional love of a human being (Bill) for most of my adult life. How many people can say that?

Bill awaits me in Heaven. That I know. Last week an old friend (from my school days), who is one of those evangelicals who is always trying to "save" people, sent me another one of his booklets in the mail. At first I was very annoyed when he does things like that (the hubris he displays he has no clue), but now I think "that's his thing." He's just responding to the latest sermon his church pastor sent them out to do. That's his thing. I know my answer. I know Bill awaits me in the Afterlife. Our spirits will be reunited again. This is what I know.

So today I will begin another day of my routine, hoping I don't trip and fall and end up in the hospital like I have in the past. I want to continue to go about my life here at Casa Tipton-Kelly with my lifetime of memories. Then perhaps if I am lucky. If whatever there is Up There (God?) favors me, I will one day feel a little off and sit down until the dizziness goes away like I have in the past. Only this time when that happens it will be my Final Call and I will pass away from this physical life here on earth and again be reunited with the love of my life, Bill Kelly. 

This I know for certain.

Naptime

 

My Bedroom at nap time (the wall next to my bed)

Finally! The heat and humidity is gone.

I actually this Saturday morning is the beginning of fall weather. My favorite time of year. 

Yesterday I had something strange happened. I laid down for my usual afternoon nap at around 2:30 PM. I usually wake up about 5 PM and prepare Bill's dinner of pureed oatmeal and banana and lots of sugar. However, yesterday he was banging on my bedroom door at about 7:20 PM, wondering when I was going to get up. 

WHAT? It took me about a minute to orient myself. I was in such a deep sleep I didn't know if it was day or night. When I take my daily nap I do close my wooden blind and pull the curtains. It was just beginning to get dark outside when I woke up.

I don't know why I slept so late. I wasn't up late the previous night. But I was totally out of it. A deep, deep sleep.

I've been taking naps for over thirty years now. A habit I probably picked up from my Mother. 

The first time I took an afternoon nap was way back in 1980 when I had that Spruce Street fourth floor apartment in center city Philadelphia. I had rented that apartment because we had already sold our townhouse which was located a few blocks away, and our house in the country wasn't finished yet. Bill had already retired and stayed at our unfinished house while I continue to work at my job at the bank by City Hall. This particular day that I took the nap was a day I took off from work because I had a God awful cold. I was just exhausted. I laid down for a nap in that sun drenched back room that I used as a bedroom in that apartment. I didn't wake up until it was dark, about eight o'clock that night. That nap did wonders for me. Ever since then I've been addicted to afternoon naps whenever I can get them. Those naps refresh and recharge my batteries. 

Lately though my naps seem to be getting longer and longer. I do have sleep apnea which I refuse to get headgear for, which my cardiologist suggested that I get so I "don't die in your sleep." I remember my immediate response to him "But that is my preferred way to go, die peacefully in my sleep."

I've had two first cousins die unexpectedly in their sleep. Randy R., my Mother's older sister son, died unexpectedly in his sleep a few years ago.  He was tall and thin like me so it wasn't like a fat man lying on his back dying in his sleep from sleep apnea. 

Cousin Randy (far left in blue, his mother and me - 2005 at the facility where she lived the last seven years of her life, in the dementia unit. She confused me with her son, calling me "Randy" during my visit to her that day. I will always remember with fondness one summer I spent living with her family when I was eight years old. They lived near a bakery and the air aways smelled of fresh baked bread. She was always so kind to me. I always remember people who are kind to me. Randy wasn't born the summer I spent living with his mother and father. She just had two older children who weren't too happy I was there for the summer. I found out many years later why I spent the summer with Aunt Jeanette, my Mother had a nervous breakdown. I asked my Mother "What happened?" She said it was too much trying to raise three rambunctious boys by herself while my father was a cross country truck driver. Little did I know then. All I remember was that wonderful summer and how kind Aunt Jeanette was too me, even if her young son (George) and daughter (Elaine) weren't too thrilled I was living in their house. 

Then a few years later Hester T., one of my father's younger brother's daughter died unexpectedly in her sleep. Like Randy, she wasn't overweight either. Both were younger than me. I remember what Randy's wife said "Ron, Randy always said he wanted to die in his sleep. He didn't want to linger in a facility like his mother for years. But it's still too soon." Hester was similar. She still had a lot of living to do and then pfft! She's gone.

I'll be right up front with you folks, that is the way I hope I go. To be quite frank with you I am gettin tired of living. I only exist now to care for Bill. I don't want to die before him but he has told me if I go first he wouldn't be long behind. I worried for a while about that, the hell he would have to go through but I stopped worrying. Bill truly wouldn't last long because no one would or could take care of him like I do now. 

So here's the deal folks, if some day you should cease to see this blog updated check with Spo. My time will have come. Bear no sadness for me. I have lived a full life. I have been more fortunate than most. But life is getting more difficult now. I have trouble walking. My respiratory system is getting worse. And I suspect I have some lurking cancers waiting in the darkness ready to spring on me. 

I'm a ten year survivor from prostate cancer but my PSA is creeping up every year. My urologist tells me during my our weekly checkups "That's the cancer looking for a place to land."

This is the year I'm scheduled for another colonoscopy. I've lost tract of how many colonoscopies I've had (I think six), but the last one I had three polyps, one was precancerous. There are three types polyps; benign, precancerous and cancerous. 

Given all these choices, I would rather take a nap and not wake up.

But you ask "What about your next trip to Palm Springs?" Folks, I would LOVE to visit Palm Springs for Modernism Week in February with Pat. In fact I would love to go anywhere with Pat but I'm afraid those days are over. This is where my journey ends folks. Not a bad way to end though.

Now it's time for lunch.

Then that nap.

Groundhog Day-My daily Routine

 

My clock on my bed headboard - the time I see almost every morning when I wake up to start my day

Almost everyday I wake up at 6:50 AM. Not 7 AM or 6:30 AM but ten of seven. What's up with that?

I've never seen the movie "Ground Hog Day" but I've seen clips and I know the Bill Murray character wakes up to the same time every day.

It doesn't seem to matter what time I go to bed at night. Last night I was up latter than usual binge watching the latest season of "Better Call Saul." I didn't get to bed until about 1:30 AM. I usually go to bed between 11:30 to 12:00 midnight. 

I've never been a late riser. I am a midnight owl though, preferring to go to bed late. Bill likes to go to bed early, usually when the sun sets or when it gets dark. He also gets up early, earlier than me.

These days my usual routine when I get up at ten of seven is to do my bathroom absolution, including daily bowel movements (thank goodness). Back when I was young I was frequently constipated and sometimes when several days before I made that prolonged visit to The Throne. These days, in my dotage, a daily Visit in the morning is a requirement lest I have a very embarrassing accident. Next Friday I have an early morning appointment at my dermatologist (6:30 AM) which is a concern to me because that time is interfering with my daily bowel movement. Too much information? Yes.

These days in which I am a full-time caregiver is Ground Hog Day predictable. I get up at 6:50 AM. After my bathroom routine I go downstairs to Bill's bedroom where Bill is waiting for me. I wash his edema lower legs with Dial anti-bacterial soap. Every third day is Shower Day (which Bill hurts).

After washing Bill's lower legs and feet Bill and I go upstairs to the kitchen.  I give Bill his morning pills (he also have evening pills) with peach or watermelon juice (which he likes). Then I prepare his oatmeal breakfast.  I also prepare my breakfast of sliced strawberries with shredded wheat or Cherrios. I also drink a daily allotment of FiberBlend to keep my bowels moving as well as take my morning medications (I also have evening medications.)

While Bill is eating his oatmeal (he slurps it) I take my daily walk. When I return I have my breakfast and clean up after Bill's breakfast. 

This is the time of day (about 9:30 AM) I go into my home office (smallest bedroom in our house that I turned into a home office) and check my online Scrabble games (I usually have a dozen or so going with Pat and other Internet players) and my e-mails and, sometimes, update my blog as I am doing now.

I don't sit too long at my computer like I used to in the past because my left leg falls asleep (that's the leg I had injured). Almost every day I take Bill for his ride and at the same time shop at Food Lion, our local supermarket. Sometimes we stop at Ace Hardware or the Post Office. Other times I stop and shop at the local nursery but not so much this year as in year's past.

Upon returning it's time for lunch. Bill doesn't have lunch. I usually have hummus and chips and soup, often my homemade soup which is the best which I don't mind bragging about. 

After lunch it's time for my daily nap which can last anywhere from one and a half to two hours. Yes, I do take a nap THAT long. I tell Alexa when to wake me. Before I had Alexa I would sometimes sleep three hours or more. What was THAT all about? Old age dotage folks, old man sleeping his life away. 

When I arise from my afternoon nap, which is  taking me longer and longer to come back to earth, I go outside (during the warm weather) and do some yard work. Once a week I mow the lawn. Other times I trim and pull weeds. Sounds boring but I find pleasure in doing these mundane chores.

Around 5 o'clock I make more oatmeal for Bill's dinner. He also gets chocolate milk with his dinner oatmeal. I prepare my diner which lately has been reheated Royal Farms spicy chicken tenders with their fries and biscuits. I accompany that entree with shredded iceberg lettuce, sliced cucumber, quartered small tomatoes, Feta cheese crumbles and Wishbone Greek Vingerette salad dressing. Works for me.  

After Bill's oatmeal I give him either a pudding cup or a Danon yogurt cup for dessert. 

Bill sits in is favorite chair in our sunroom which I eat and watch reruns of "Judge Judy" on my DVR recorder. 

When the sun goes down our string of Christmas lights turn on, giving out sunroom and living room a very festive feeling. Both Bill and I love the effect! When the lights go on, that's Bill's cue to go to bed which he heads for the cellar stairs to go to his bedroom. I always tell him I will stop down later and say "Goodnight" to him, even though sometimes I don't because I don't want to disturb him.

Now I have the one time of the day all to myself, which is very necessary to maintain my mental and physical well being as Bill's caregiver. 

I'm back in my home office, on the computer, updating my online Scrabble games, while on my TV I'm playing back some of the MSNBC shows I've recored earlier. Almost all of my TV watching has been prerecorded for my convenience and to enable me to zip through the ever increasing number of commercials that are on TV today. I usually call Pat on FaceTime to see what he did today and to tell him about my day.

I'll futz around on my computer for a couple of hours before I have my nighttime pre bedtime snack. This is My Time. 

During the week this is when I prepare to go to bed. During the weekend (Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights) I usually watch one of my rented Netflix DVD movies. During week, after I do my evening bathroom absolutions of brushing, Water-Pie and flossing my teeth I go to bed. I always have a book handy to read before I go to sleep.  On good night I can get through two or three pages before I enter an unconscious state. Then during the night I will probably get up two or three times to pee (yes, that often) before I get up again the next morning at ten minutes to seven o'clock. Then I begin my GroundHog Day all over again folks.

Memory Foam Mattress

Pat approving of the memory foam mattress at our Palm Springs rental

My whole life I've slept on uncomfortable mattresses.  From the time when I was growing up and I had to sleep with my two younger brothers in the same bed (which I hated, I eventually got my own bed, a fold up, when I was sixteen years old) until my latest mattress, which I got from the hotel where I work. 

Me at 12 years old ready to go to bed with my two brothers in one very uncomfortable bed

In my seventy-seven years I've slept on all types of mattress, even a water bed which made me sea sick. Maybe the worst were the thin mattresses I slept on during my three year Army enlistment. 

Me with Army bed at Ft. Meade, MD. 1962

I've gotten used to waking up with an aching back. I just assumed that was my lot in life.

Thus it was a very pleasant surprise to discover a different kind of mattress during our stay in Palm Springs. 

Our uncomfortable bed inWest Hollywood, sunk in the middle.  So uncomfortable I slept in the other bedroom

Both Pat and I immediately noticed how comfortable the mattress was at our VRBO rental unit in Palm Springs. We had to find out what kind of mattress that was.  We took off the sheets and turned over the mattress to discover the mattress we were sleeping on was a memory foam mattress.  I called the owner of the unit and asked her where she got the mattress.  She said Amazon.com.  We did a it more research and found this:

Pat and I went in downtown Palm Springs and found a mattress store to see if they were selling any.  We found one that had a memory foam mattress, it was a Posturepedic mattress.  We tested it but at $2,999 it was a bit over my budget (you think)?  You all know the prices for mattresses vary greatly. Mattress pricing is right there with hearing aids and glasses, prices are high. You have to shop around.  Even though the salesman at the Palm Springs offered free delivery of his mattress, I passed. He wasn't happy. I'm immune these days to pushy salespeople. 

Shortly after I got home I received an e-mail with this offer from BJ's, a store where I regularly shop.

Memory foam mattress from BJ's

I saw this ad and decided "Why not?"  I ordered it.

The compressed mattress arrived in a box. Now to get rid of my old mattress.  I called Alfredo, the son of my Mexican landscaper to see if his parents wanted my old mattress. They did.  They came by and picked it up.  

I opened the box my memory foam mattress and let it expand.  I put it on my bed.  A few hours later I tested it.  Fabulous! 

My old mattress - goodbye!

My new memory foam mattress - hello!

Man oh man.  For the first time in my life I sleep in comfort and wake up without a back ache. Only problem, my afternoon naps now last hours and I mean hours.  First day I slept over three hours!  

I told Bill "This is the bed I die in."  No hospital bed for me, hooked up to IV units and in a fog from pain killers.  I plan to ease out of this life in sweet comfort and not twisting around in my bed trying to get a good position so my back doesn't ache. 

Now I know some of you are questioning "Why didn't you order the memory foam mattress from Amazon?"  Good question.  I goofed. Memory foam mattresses are probably like sugar.  Doesn't matter which brand you order. I goofed but it's all right, for once in my life I sleep in comfort.  I love it!

Where did memory foam mattress come from?  This from the Internet:

Memory foam, also known as temper foam, was developed under a NASA contract in the 1970s that set out to improve seat cushioning and crash protection from airline pilots and passengers. Memory foam has widespread commercial applications, in addition to the popular mattresses and pillows.

Now I understand that memory foam mattresses aren't for everyone.  I hear that for some they are too hot. But they work for me.  

Sleep

SLEEP:

A condition body and mind such as that which typically recurs of several hours every night, in which the nervous system is relatively inactive, the eyes closed, the postural muscle relaxed, and consciousness practically suspended.

I like to sleep.  

I try to get at least six hours of sleep a night.

I take a nap every afternoon of at least an hour.

I rarely have difficulty falling asleep.

I usually fall asleep within five minutes of going to bed.

To me sleeping is an escape from the turmoil of the consciousness.  

During the past 2 1/2 months of my leg injury discomfort, sleep was my only escape from the pain of a swollen foot and leg. 

Sleep is an escape from pain, whether physical of mental.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about sleep. 

Two people I knew well died this year.  I wonder if their state of mind is the same as mine when I am sleeping.  If it is, then how bad can death be?  Death may truly be Eternal Rest. 

No more pain.  No more worries. No nothing.

Not that I'm endorsing death nor anxious for my death but one has to admit that when you're gone, you're gone. There's nothing. You're not hurting anymore.  The only people hurting are those who care for you.  For them there is pain and loss. You feel nothing.

Every night I look forward to going to sleep.  This is one of my special pleasures.  I think of all those years that I did not or could not have a pleasant night's sleep.  The years I had to share a bed with my uncle.  The years I had to share a bed with my two younger brothers. The years I was in the Army and had to share my "bedroom" with sixty other men. All the years I had to get up early to go to work.

For many years I worked towards the goal of having the perfect bedroom.  The most comfortable bed.  And to get up when I want to (well sort of anyway, if I sleep too late Bill comes in and wants to know what's the matter).  

But basically folks, I'm at a good time of my life when I can go to bed when I want, sleep undisturbed during the night and get up when I want.  I can escape into the nothingness of unconsciousness.

So where am I going with the post folks?  Sometimes I don't even know but one thing I do know.  I like to sleep and I believe that when you die it's just like sleeping.  Nothing. 

Sleeping, one of my favorite activities. 

But in the meantime, I plan to make the maximum use of my waking hours.  I'm not done living yet folks.  I have a long way to go. Stay with me for the ride of my life. The best is yet to come.