Yesterday I had a visit from a friend I haven't seen or talked to in forty-six years. Yes forty-six years!
A brief history, the year was the summer of 1979. I was thirty-seven years old working at my job at a Philadelphia center city bank.
At the end of one of my very busy days as a Trust Operations manager, I came back to my desk to clean it up (I always left a neat desk). I found a small folded note on my desk. "What is this?" I thought.
"A complaint from one of my employees?"
"A question from one of the trust administrators I dealt with everyday in my capacity as a coordinator between the operations department and the administors who dealt directly with the trust customers?"
Puzzled, I unfolded the note and (I'm paraphrasing here") read this note from an unknown admirer.
He basically told me he was gay and had admired me from afar and would like to "get to know me better."
WHAT?
To make a long story short he was a twenty year old college student who was working for a straight friend of mine in another department. His college program had a program that they would work so many months at a business and go to school so many months before they got their degree.
I called my friend Rich, who was his boss and asked him what was going on. Rich of course knew I was gay. Rich told me that this student asked him if he knew me. Rich told me that he told him that I was gay. Rich didn't know this student was gay when he told him who I was.
Rich pointed him out to me.
Oh my. He was a very attractive kid with a knockout body. Rich also told me that this kid was a soccer player. Well, that accounted for his great buns. My apologies if I'm offending anybody but I'm just telling you like it is/was.
I contacted this kid and told him that I could meet him after work......at the local gay bar just a few blocks away from the bank where I worked.
Thus began my change of life summer affair. Yes, I was with Bill then but we had an open relationship.
This kid, who name was/is "Bob", had never been to a gay bar before nor a relationship with any other man. Of course I was only too glad to "oblige" him.
Thus we began a very eventful summer for the both of us, resulting in a bad ending at the end of summer.
"Bob" was like a kid in a candy store for the first time. I fell for him but he fell for just about everyone he met, including some of my friends.
The final straw in our relationship happened when I took him for a week's vacation to Provincetown, Massachusetts. He was supposed to spend the week with me (that's why I took him), but after one day he met a businessman who flew his own plane up from North Carolina. For my longtime blog readers, I've recounted this story several times over the years in this blog.
I was very hurt because I really cared for him. In fact I was seriously considering leaving Bill for him. What a BIG MISTAKE that would have been! This is one of the many times my lifetime guardian angel was looking out for me. Oh yes, I have fallen in love (foolish me) several times since then and almost left Bill but Bill always stuck with me during these foolish episodes of my life. This is just one of the many reasons I loved Bill, he stayed with me through all these "adventures" of mine. That's why I believe life is a learning experience and man oh man have I ever learned.
When we returned from Provincetown I ended the relationship. "Bob" apologized to me many times and begged me to take him back but I had finally came to my senses and didn't have any more contact with him. I was hurt, badly because I had really fallen for him. Now I realize I was just foolish but I never forgot how Bob took off with that businessman for the whole week.
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| Me during July 1979, the week I spend my vacation alone in Provincetown, Mass. I wasn't too happy to say the least. |
Here I was, a fairly attractive thirty-seven year old gay man with a well paying professional job in perhaps the best physical shape of my life providing an all expense paid week's vacation in the gay wonderland of the East Coast but I didn't have my own private personal plane. So I was dumped.
Looking back in retrospect I now realize how foolish I was to even begin a relationship with a 20 year old let alone one who was just coming out in the gay scene.
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| My "boy toy" at the Provincetown airport in July of 1979 that I took to Provincetown and promptly lost him to the businessman who had his own plane. I couldn't compete with that kind of asset. |
I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY!
MY STUPID!
MY BAD!
Okay folks, now fast forward to this past summer.
I receive a Facebook post from "Bob" informing me that he has now moved to Rehoboth Beach with his husband, reminding me if I remembered him and if we would like to have lunch and talk over what we've been doing for the last forty-five years.
I have to admit I was a bit stunned. Most of my friends from that period are dead. In fact all of them save one and he lives in Florida now.
At first I thought "No way." Why would I want to see this guy who caused me so much grief and pain that summer of 1979? But then the more I thought about it I thought it might be interesting to find out what he's been up too all these years. If nothing else, I'm always curious about life and what people do with their lives, including me. And what a perfect capstone to my life, which is coming to an end soon anyway.
Now to find the right time. Yesterday was the right time. I texted him and asked him if he was free for lunch.
We met for lunch at a local Mexican restaurant in Milton. Of course he's changed a lot. I haven't (of course.....yeah right). But when we met he said "I would recognize you anywhere!" I have to admit, I wouldn't have recognize him. In fact I think I've passed him several time here and about in the Rehoboth Beach area.
I was hesitant about meeting him, didn't think we would have much to talk about but now I'm glad I did meet him. He's had a very interesting life. He did most of the talking. He was nervous, which I felt bad about. In one way, he hasn't changed.....he didn't ask anything about me but that's all right but maybe that's because of his nervousness.
He's had a good life and lives in a lovely house in a very nice part of Rehoboth Beach. His house backs up to the woods, just the kind of house I would have chosen, which we talked about. His partner bears an uncanny resemblance to me which I mentioned to him. He said "Well, you know me I was always attracted to older men, tall and slim." He is still very involved in sports. That hasn't changed but I found he has a talent for wood work.
He's sixty-six now and has a good life. He has a lot of friends and is very involved in the gay Rehoboth Beach social scene (which I am not). I'm happy for him.
The video at the beginning of this blog was him leaving my house yesterday. I had brought him back to introduce him to my neighbor who has the same very name he has. Yes, when I moved here in 2006 I thought it was very amusing that my neighbor was another "Bob" (they also have the same last name).
We encountered my neighbor "Linda" who was walking her dog "Zeus." Bob loves dogs, and it is apparent by how Zeus took to him right away. Zeus never gave me a kiss like he did Bob.
Yesterday, was a good day. I'm glad he had lunch and talked. We didn't talk about that summertime week in 1979 in Provincetown. That was a learning experience.
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| At lunch yesterday with "Bob". We never did eat a meal together in Provincetown 1979 nor did we have a picture taken of us together. This joint photo was a long time coming. |
Life goes on.
12 comments:
What an event AND back-story! I know you didn't say "Bob, you haven't aged at all!", as you say you wouldn't have recognised him - unlike he to you, if he really meant it. Lots of water under the bridge over all those years, including your own narrow 'escape' from a potentially unfortunate entanglement. Fascinating!
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Hello Ron,
I have heard the story about Province Town.
I give "Bob" a standing ovation for coming out of the shadows to reconnect with you. He was nervous because he knew that what transpired between the two of you that week was not a good look. History/reflection/wisdom has a way of doing that. Of course, he was doing all the talking. He was looking for a glimmer of acceptance and that you were not going to deck him.
Not to chastise you but just to give you my viewpoint, even in my mid-20s/30's-I would never date a guy just coming out and experiencing the gay world. We are just not in the right place together. The gay world can be a "candy store" for the person just now experiencing their newfound gay sexuality. And I don't blame them. They are trying new shoes and clothes to see how they fit in the big gay world. What type of man do they want to date and maybe settle down with? What is negotiable and nonnegotiable for them? It's time for them to experiment, and try things out. Not saying in my 20's or 30's I was perfect and knew the score 100%. But I did pay attention to others in what they were experiencing in the dating world. The "experienced" gay person and a "newbie" was a frequent topic of conversation.
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I remember being in the military in Germany and going out in the German gay scene. I was 27 at the time. I had a military friend who was in a relationship with a German national. Believe it or not, my friend worked in the administration of the military police at Lindsey Air Station. Anyhow, one of their German friends fell head or heels over me. He was about 10 years older than me, maybe a little older. He wanted to date me but I was not interested in being in the military, him being a German national, and navigating all of that. I was in a gay club one night-Pussycat-and the guy was there and was a little drunk and pinned me against the wall and demanded a date. Honey, I am 6/2 on a good day and a military man at that. I can handle myself. I slid down the wall, under his arms, and left the bar. I was not afraid. I was just surprised at his actions. My friends heard about the incident from the guy and he begged them to talk to me and wanted to take me to dinner to apologize. He was beside himself for his actions. They begged and I agreed. Now in Germany, restaurants have a practice of sitting folks at your table if there is an open spot. The restaurant I met him at was a high-end restaurant and "Americanized." This means they sit you at a table and even though there may be open spots no one will be placed at your table. I walked in and the place was dimly lit. There were straight couples at every table. I thought what in the hell did I get myself into? He was waiting for me. We had a nice meal. He apologized for his behavior at the club and I accepted his apology. I discovered he was a wealthy man who ran an import and export business. He laid down his hand. He wanted to marry me. I thought how do I get out of here and not cause an international incident? I politely declined his offer stating that I wanted to return to the States and start college. He said no problem and that he would pay for it and I could attend the "American" college in Frankfurt. I finally had to be firm and say no. It was not going to happen. We finished dinner and he asked for a kiss goodnight. I gave him a peck on the cheek and headed back to my dorm on the hospital grounds in the middle of Wiesbaden.
I say all of that to say that I understand. I was young and not fully out. I was trying to figure out how I fit into the gay world just like “Bob.” I don’t believe I would do what he did but I am empathetic. I have always been attracted to older men-within reason. The only relationship I was in for a short while was with a military officer 10 years older than me. I rolled with the relationship and the next thing I knew he was retiring and moving from Wichita Falls, Texas- my last assignment- to Dallas where I was starting a new life after being in the Air Force. The question was asked. I should have said no. I met the guy about a month before I separated. I was looking forward to being fully out and trying on those shoes and clothes to see where I fit into the big gay world. The relationship lasted a little over a year and we went our separate ways.
Life can be strange and full of twists and turns. You had Bill as your anchor. He gave you stability. I say your experiences with other men with Bill is just life. Hopefully, as we progress in life, we become older and wiser. There will be times when we get hurt, burned, and dismayed but is it not part of maturity and growth? Ad what do you mean by “fairly attractive?” I say there is a lid for every pot. We just got to find our pot. I am happy for “Bob” that he has navigated through the life-gay and straight and found his pot and is happy. Maybe continued communication and meeting his partner? Glad you had a good time.
Have a great Sunday and week!!
Victor
Good for you! 2025 for me will be the year of connections, particularly getting in touch of old friends and haunts.
So glad you had lunch together....nice to get out of the house.
Re: Your reply at top to my comment on your posting - Yes, it's true that I don't post anything like as often as I used to, and there is also very little new on what is still my latest post, apart from a few additional comments on other's contributions. I do keep promising myself I'll do a new one but what deters me is that my posts always seem so self-centred that I get embarrased when I read them over, so I then scrap them.
Today (it's 7 a.m. here) I find particularly ill-omened, mainly because of what's happening over on your side today. What, with unelected POTUS Musk taking the reins (who really ought to be the one with his hand on the Bible - Hah!), with his Orange VEEP in tow, all bluster, no brain - Heaven help the world!
Now in a few mins got to take my little Sloopy to the vet which he HATES! (as I d too), but only for his occasional check-up. No worries there there really but I'll be glad when it's over and we're both back here in safety and comfort.
Good for you, Ron, for agreeing to meet; and good for Bob for reaching out. (I remember you writing about this trip.)
Victor,
Thanks for sharing your experiences with me and my blog readers. You're so right, life can be strange, full of twists and turns. I often wonder what my life would have been like had I made different decisions. Absolutely fascinating. That's why I believe we each have a guardian angel. Also we have had previous lives and we choose the life we have now so we can learn. I can say with certainty I have learned a lot in this lifetime.
Thank you again for sharing our story.
Ron
Spo,
The old haunts remain but sad to say the old friends do not. Most have gone to the Great Beyond, which by the way I hear is pretty fabulous. I am looking forward to that day. Of course I hope I can leave quickly and peacefully this life when my time comes. I'm ready to return "home" and review.
Ron
ItsyBitsy Living,
Yes, it is nice to get out of the house. Next time I won' t go to a restaurant. They're too expensive. I'll go to Panera. They're pretty expensive too but at least I can cut the tip out and I won't have to feel the pressure to leave once we're done eating. That was the only downside of my recent outing.
Ron
Ray,
Of course your posts on your blog should be self-centered. That's what blogs are all about. Yours is one of the few blogs I find interesting because you write so well. Every body has an interesting life, few write about it and even fewer write well as you do. You have a talent Raybeard.
No one is sicker than I am of four more years of Trump. I seriously doubt if he will finish his term because he is so out of control now. He thinks he can do anything and get away with it but I have a feeling enough Republicans and his base will finally see through his fraud and finally realize what a danger Trump is to them, the USA and the world. I am so embarrassed that Trump represents my country but sad to say, he represents at least half of my country which is profoundly stupid and so easily conned.
Last night we pardoned all of the January 6th insurrectionists. Maybe that will be the straw that finally breaks the camel's back and the Republicans will turn against him. J.D. Vance is no prize either but at least he's not stupid, opportunist yes, but not stupid. Mark my words, Trump won't last four years.
Ron
Elle,
At first I wasn't going to have anything to do with Bob but then I realized that I just didn't want to expend my energy on continuing to hold a grudge against him especially since I was stupid enough to let myself fall for him. I should have known better. He's changed too. I think in his way, he wanted to make amends. He's still the selfish, self-center, opportunistic guy I knew back then but I think he learned something in the ensuing 45 years. I'm just glad he didn't stay with me because then I would have lost Bill and Bill was the one who truly loved me. I was just too stupid and selfish myself back then to realize it. My guardian angel was looking out for me while I learned that lesson forty-five years ago when I was thirty-seven years old.
Ron
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