Just when I think I'm overcoming the biggest loss in my life (Bill's death February 22), I'm back in the hole of bereavement again.
What brings this about I'm finding is a few overcast and rainy days. Sunny days are much better for me. I seem to be able to get on my life without Bill. But a string of dreary, cloudy days and especially the weekend; bring about melancholy about just how much I miss having Bill here with me in our home.
This short video was taken February 3, 2021 at a rehab facility in Dover Delaware. This was during the height of COVID. At first the hospital staff wouldn't let me in to visit Bill but they relented during my second visit to take him his favorite blanket and a hat for him since he was no longer wearing his toupee. Thereafter they always let me in because they said I had a "calming effect" on him. You think? I loved that man so much and he loved me even more. I was so happy that I was able to take care of him here at our home for the next three years of our life until he died three years later almost to the day at the Delaware Hospice Center in Milford after only a stay of three days. The last two and a half weeks of Bill's life he was so weak he kept sliding out of his favorite chair in the sunroom and I had to keep calling the local EMT's (at a $100 a pop) to help me get him up off the floor.
I was so fortunate that I was able to take care of Bill here at our home we both loved so much, with the help of the hospice nurses and the VA home healthcare nurses. They were all so kind and helpful but at the end I just couldn't manage. The tipping point came when the hospice worker was showing me how to administer the morphine pain killer injections and turning him over in the hospital bed to change his Depends. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I JUST COULD NOT DO IT and to this day I fee guilty about that. I know I shouldn't but I do. But most of all I miss Bill. Oh how I miss him. We loved each other so much.
About an hour ago I was talking to my friend Renee who lost her husband unexpectedly last month. I've been helping her through bereavement. She has also seen signs of her husband contacting her, letting her know that he's alright and looking after her. Two days ago her dog had a paper in her mouth. Renee pulled the paper out of her mouth and found this.
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| "Tom" was the name of her husband |
"Tom" was the name of her husband. Now that is just too much of a coincidence. Renee told me it's not like her husband wrote his name on all his receipts, he didn't. But why this? It was her husband contacting her. The same morning I was reading Renee's text message on my iPhone a red cardinal flew right into my path, almost hitting me. I knew immediately that was Bill. I've never seen a red cardinal before where we live here at Casa Tipton-Kelly. Both Bill and I always liked red cardinals, often giving each other Christmas cards with a red cardinal on it. Also, the red cardinal is often used from those who have passed over as a messenger to their loved ones that they are all right and to give them hope. Renee told me that she shared her story with some friends and she's convinced that some of them thing she's one of those crazy ladies. That's the way I feel now when I tell Pat or someone else (except my friend Glenn who believes me) the times Bill has visited me here at our home. He hasn't been here lately but I expect him to make periodic visits to me to reassure me that he is waiting on the Other Side for me. Just as I was preparing our home for him after I left him at the rehab facility over three years ago, promising that I would being him "home", Bill is now waiting for me to return "home" and be with him on the Other Side. And yes folks, I definitely do believe in life after life. Our souls just occupy this human form for a short while but we eventually return "home" which is Heaven and that is where Bill awaits me.
14 comments:
The grieving process can never be rushed as we would wish it so. We can eventually come to terms with the terrible loss in our lives but we never "get over it" ever. We hold our precious memories near and dear to us always.
Ron, this was a very inspiring post! I, too, believe in signs from our loved ones who have passed on. Not long after my dad passed away in 2015, I saw two things that I NEVER have seen in the 17 plus years I have lived in my home - a dove in the driveway and a cardinal sitting on MY car. I know it was my dad because I talk to him all the time in my mind and I think about him every single day.
I wish you all the best!
Hello For A Saturday Ron,
Please, please remember that grieving is not a done-and-dusted type of thing. There will be periods where the fog settles in and you feel overwhelmed and then there are days where one is happy and free as a bird. Grief is a sneaky little thing. It may be suppressed and quiet and then it gets restless and pops its ugly head. Such is life. You have a great support system. Lean on them in those times.
One more thing.
"I JUST COULD NOT DO IT and to this day I feel guilty about that." Just stop it. Just like Cher told her boyfriend as she slapped him "Snap out of it." You should not feel guilty one bit. Taking care of a loved one is tiring, and hard work. That is why I encouraged you to tap into your community resources to give yourself a break. The caring takes a toll even on the best of us. That is why I volunteered for a hospice organization in Las Vegas. I would go into homes for a few hours and give the caregivers a much-needed break. I really enjoyed doing that.
You and Bill had a great life together. You took care of him the best you could. What I know for sure is that Bill knew you were in his corner till the very end.
Enjoy your weekend. Your guests will be coming soon. This is not what Melton needs, a group of old men galavanting around town, and beyond, thinking they are 35 again.
Be well,
Victor
Lady Caer Morganna,
I'm coming to realize that my grieving for Bill will never end as long as I live. The intensity of it will change, in fact it's already changed but it will always be there. A wound that never completely heals. The last three years of Bill's life he was so totally dependent on me and I loved taking care of him even though at times I was exhausted and wondered how much longer I could take care of him. Finally at the end, the last two and a half weeks, I just could't do it anymore.
As far as signs from a loved one who passes, I was always skeptical of those "stories" when I heard them from others who loved ones had died but I'm a believer now. There are just too many signs that can't be coincidences. Another one is the music that plays on the radio (my Bose). I too talk to Bill often now I'm my mind and sometimes out loud when I go into his bedroom. Interestingly, I don't feel his presence in his bedroom even though his ashes are there but occasionally I do feel his presence here in our house (the living room, sun room and sometimes at my bedroom door - he never used to come all the way into my bedroom and he didn't when he made his first "appearance a couple days after he died). Several times when I'm outside I have felt his presence. He always liked to walk around outside in our back yard. I've even felt his presence in our driveway and on our back deck. Even if this is all my imagination that's fine, I find comfort none the less in believing his spirit is still alive.
Thank you for sharing Lady Morganna.
Ron
Vic,
You are so right, grieving I'm finding out is not a "done-and-dusted_ type of thing. I am managing better but I'm still having setbacks. Watching this video brought bak to me how much Bill wanted to me home and needed me. I am so thankful I was able to take him home and be with him a few more years before he died. I will be forever thankful for that.
I didn't know quite what to make of your comment "a group of old men galavanting around town, and beyond, thinking they are 35 again." That's not me, Pat or Glenn. We just enjoy each other's company. No "galavanting around town thinking we're 35 again". We're old and we know it. No biggie. We comfortable with our old age.
Ron
https://www.adam-berry.com/goodbye-hello.html
Thought you might find this book of interest. Adam is a gay, paranormal investigator. The book says a lot in terms of what you talk about. I think I might have posted this a while back? Anyway, here it is again.
In terms of grieving....one size does not fit all. It's all individual. You take as long as you need. It's a journey and a process.
Paranormal John
I'm so glad that you know Bill's true essence is with you. I too believe in the signs loved ones send and have actually learned to ask for specific ones--it is amazing to me how they show up in the most random of places and just when I need them!! My Dad sends a fox, my mom sends a unicorn, my Aunt sends a cardinal, my grandma sends me someone twiddling their thumbs, and my dear friend Marge sends a white feather---I've sure heard of people sensing the physical presence or even a smell from a loved one but I get more visual signs. The more open you are to them the more you get!!!
Take care
Julie A
Ron it is a point levity---A joke---
You write a loving legacy and eulogy.
Queer Axe Throwing League
A 'queer sports revolution' is making Hamilton [Ontario] a haven for inclusive athletics
"It started with softball, but there are now nearly a dozen sports organizations aimed at
2SLGBTQ+ athletes"
https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/hamilton/queer-sports-hamilton-1.7205361
Vic,
I’m not into the “You go girl” faggy “jokes.” Also the “queer” references. I’m gay but I’m not a fag. I’m a man who just happens to be gay…that just me. Bill wasn’t that way nor is Glenn and Pat. I know and understand that type of “humor” is part of the gay culture for some some but I never fit into that gay stereotype. Bill hated it as I did and still do and again my friends Pat and Glenn.
Ron
Paranormal John,
Thank you so much for sending the link to the book "Goodbye-Hello". I will get it. I'm very interested in this subject now. I believe!
I am surprised that my grieving is continuing. I knew it would be bad but not as bad as it is now. I find if I keep myself busy, it takes my mind off off of missing Bill, if only temporarily. I realize now I will always miss him but in time accept that he is gone forever in this life. Looking forward to the afterlife now!
Thanks again John.
Ron
Julia,
All true! Especially the part where you have to open up to looking for and accepting the signs. Bill is definitely sending signs. He hasn't been around for a few days though. I feel he is very happy now reuniting with his loved ones who have passed before him.
Ron
Spo,
this is some experience I am going through now. Never, in a million years did I think it would be like this. But then this is the price of true love. I have indeed been blessed my whole life.
Ron
Ron---I am clueless to your response ---In what are you responding to---The levity or the increase in LGBTQ sports leagues in Hamilton---
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