I continue to evolve in my new life without Bill.
The pain of his loss will always be with me the rest of my life, but I continue to heal. Just like my leg surgery that I had when I tore my quadricep. I can walk with that leg but the scar is still there and I still get a tingling sensation (leg falling asleep) whenever I sit too long. But I'm walking, for which I am so thankful.
There are still those moments catching me off guard that remind me of how much I loved Bill and will have the enduring sadness of not having him in my life. The last three years of his life when I was his caregiver, especially brought me so close to Bill when he depended on me so much. I didn't realize until he died that how much I loved caring for him. Even though at times it was difficult to care for him, I now realize how much I depended on him to give my life meaning. I was indeed privileged to care for this wonderful man who made my time on this earth so wonderful. Bill literally rescued me from a potential life of disappointment, failure and misery. He was always my bulwark every time I strayed from his unconditional love.
Yesterday I was thinking there are only three people in my life who truly love me. Sure, I have many people in my life who like me. Friends, former co-workers, neighbors, family and others I encounter in my daily activities like store clerks, doctors, and others who like me. But love me? Only three people folks. My Mother (of course) and then there was Bill and now Pat. Unconditional love folks.
I will never forget the last days of Bill's life when he lay unconscious at the hospice center. I was a mess. The folks at the hospice center paid almost as much attention to me as they did Bill. Now I realize that I was part of their end of life care program. The folks at the hospice center also take care of the survivors.
Know that those folks did? They gave me the opportunity to talk. And talk. And talk.
What did I talk about? I talked about how Bill "put up with my nonsense all our lives together." Bill never gave up on me. All the times I strayed. Those time which I took him for granted. All those times and he never left me. He believed in me. He loved me. I never realized how much I loved him in return until I was faced with the fact that I was about to lose him. I was standing on a trap door that was about to open and deposit me into the Unknown. How was I going to live the rest of my life without him? Of course this is all coming down to my inherent selfishness. It's all about me folks. Always has been but you know, Bill understood that and loved me anyway.
The last few months of Bill's life I often told him how much I loved him. He loved to hear that from me. He would sometimes say "I don't hear that too often" in a friendly mocking kind of way. Know what folks? I wish I had said it more. Now I know if you love someone, you can never tell them often enough how much you love them.
Earlier this morning I was talking to Pat on FaceTime which I do several time during the day. Pat's working his job at Go Valet, which is a service that picks up vehicles delivers them to a auto service center. This morning he has a three hour plus trip to pick up a vehicle. As I was wishing him a safe trip and right before I disconnected our FaceTime call I said to him "I love you." I've been doing that more often lately as I end our FaceTime calls. Pat responded with a smile. And that folks made me feel good and I'm sure made Pat feel good. We often take our present life situation for granted. We never know when it will be the last time we see that person we love.
Today I will do more yard work. I will make crock pot beef stew. I will take a walk around my neighborhood. I will walk my neighbor's dog while he is fishing. I will update my nine online Scrabble games with Pat. I will make a new batch of soup. And I will check in on the new occupant of my fish pond, a goldfish which grew too large for my friends Jack and Judy's aquarium.
I'm moving on folks. I'll be all right.
6 comments:
That is beautiful, Ron. Unconditional love from three people, your mother, Bill & Pat.
Glad to hear this, Ron. Grief is such a process, I think. And never the same for any of us.
I agree about the hospice: the workers are there for those living on as well as those passing. One of my mom's nurses, Mel, was truly an angel. She was so kind to my mom but also to me. I will never forget her. I don't remember what I did yesterday but I remember every detail of those moments.
Take care!
Joel,
I have been very lucky in love.
Ron
Elle,
Me too! I will always remember that first night I spent at the hospice center with Bill and the nurses who attended to me and Bill. They were so kind to both me and Bill. I will never forget their kindness.
Ron
I was not the perfect partner. We had an unsaid rule, don't ask and don't tell. My partner strayed at times but not nearly as much as I did. It's kind of a male thing and nothing more than lust, desire and hunger, but its not generally tolerated in straight relationships. I disassociate it from love. Bill sounds like he was quite tolerant and forgiving, and best, did not doubt your love, as was proved by you being with him to his demise.
Andrew,
Bill and I had an understanding that we could "go out", just be discreet about it. I was twenty-two when I met Bill. I liked him but didn't want to move in with him because I told him I wanted to still "go out." He said he knew that and he would never attempt to hold a twenty-two year old back (I came out when I was twenty-one.) He said "A caged bird never sings." Turns out Bill was smart because I had my freedom but at the same time I realized I would never meet anyone as good as Bill. I was quite aware of the many couples want a monogamous relationship but that wasn't us. However, I did settle down eventually. Funny thing now though, with my relationship with Pat I would never even considered "going out" or trying to meet someone else. I did tell Pat though that if he met someone else that I would be sad but I would never hold him back. I don't think he would ever meet anyone as good a me (being realistic here) but if he did, he's free to go. All this goes to prove that there is no one size for relationships. We all have to find what works for us. I'm sure your relationship worked for you. That said, I still and will always miss Bill terribly but I am comforted by the fact that eventually our souls, spirit will be reunited because he was my one true love.
Ron
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