As I enter my seventy-seventh year of life, I often reflect back on turning points in my life. Decisions I made at times of my life that I didn't realize would affect the direction the rest of my life would take. I have often wondered what my life would have been like if I had made a different decision. Would've, could've, should've; that's what one of my former bosses used to say. Alas, I made decisions that permanently put my life on the road where I am now. Do I have any regrets? Sure, but to use a tired old cliche, "it is what it is." I have to admit that I am at a good place in my life now, except for physical aches and pains, I am quite happy and contented. Now if I can just get rid of my latest phlegm problem. I have an appointment on the 22nd of this month with an ENT doctor.
Now for my list:
On Being Gay
When I was about four years old (1946), a teenage friend (Emmett) of my teenage Uncle Bruce (who used to live with us) would come over and get on all fours and us kids would play "horsey" with him. That is, we would climb his back and he would try and buck us off. Our little group consisted of boys and girls aged from four to six. We took turns riding Emmett's back. After a few rides on Emmett's back, I realized I was enjoying these "rides" a bit more than my little play friends.
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| Me about 1946 when I played "Horsey" |
I didn't understand quite why I was "enjoying" these rides so much but I did know that I had to keep this to myself. About a year later when I was watching the old Flash Gordon serials on TV, I realized that I had a pleasurable intense feeling whenever Ming the Merciless would capture Flash Gordon (Buster Crabbe) and tie him up with his arms above his head and have him totally under his control to do who knows what? I knew these "feelings" I had were not to be shared. What I did know was I was experiencing for the first time a pleasurable feeling that was better than eating corn on the cob.
Self Worth
Growing up I was constantly put down by my father. He called me "Beak" (nose to big) and stupid and weakling. I was too tall for my age. I had no sense of self worth and didn't know there was an alternative, since this is the only input I ever had. Then came a time I was with my friend Larry (we were trading comic books) and I made some off hand reference to being so ashamed of my big nose. I will always remember what Larry said to me (I think I have this right, if not Lar will correct me) "You're not ugly. You're good-looking." Never in my life had I heard anyone say that to me. I think I was ten or eleven years old at that time. I was quite shocked that he would say that to me, because I just always assumed that I was defective and worthless. For the first time in my life I considered the possibility that I wasn't the ugly loser that my father had always depicted me.
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| Me in back of the family "vehicle", a GMC pickup truck. My father got a great deal of pleasure humiliating me by having me ride in the back bed of the truck on our family outings. My father was a cruel, selfish man. |
I didn't turn into an obnoxious narcissist that day but I did begin a new path in my life that perhaps I was a "normal" person and not quite as bad as my father had drummed into my head from my earliest memory.
Public Nudity
Entering high school I faced the scariest time of my life, gym. I was scared to death that for the first time in my life I would have to shower naked with my fellow classmates. Up until that time the only naked males I had seen was my father and two younger brothers and one teenage uncle in perfectly innocent circumstances. This would be the first time in my life that I would be nude with others LOOKING at me. I was scared to death. Turns out I wasn't the only twelve year old seventh grader who was terrified of showering naked with my fellow classmates.
At my first gym class, our gym teacher called all us boys together and addressed this concern that many of us had. So I wasn't the only one! He told us that he knew we had that concern and that we shouldn't because "they all look alike." Then he dismissed us to go out in the field and play soccer. At the end of the gym class we all filled back into the locker room and undressed and went into the showers. Then I discovered for the first time in my life that (sometimes) adults lie because THEY ALL DIDN'T LOOK ALIKE. In fact, they all looked different. There were no two that looked alike. Okay. Later on in my life when I became more sophisticated about such matters I realized that my gym teacher was straight because to him, they all do look alike. But to my connoisseur's eye? Uh uh.
Inclusion - High School Band
During the summer of 1956, before I entered senior high school, our school's music director contacted me during my summer vacation and asked me if I would like to play the Sousaphone in the marching band? I had never thought of joining the band but I was glad that an adult thought enough of me to ask. I agreed. Then he told me I would have to take lessons to learn how to play the Sousaphone which consists basically of spitting into a large mouthpiece and playing three notes. I wasn't happy about having my carefree summer vacation from school days interrupted with music lessons but I didn't want to disappoint him because he had placed so much faith in me. At the time I thought he thought I had talent. It wasn't until many years later I realized he probably only asked me because I was tall and I would be marching in the last row of the band where onlookers' could see the "H" (for DHS) screen over the big brass Sousaphone opening.
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| Me, 1958 with my Sousaphone |
But at the time being in marching band opened a whole new world to me. I got to go to all the football games, both home and away games. And I met my best friend Bill B. during this time. Bill B. played the bass drum. We both had to load our instruments last in the storage section of the bus. Bill asked me to save him a seat. Thus we began a tradition for the following three years of bus trips to away football games. And it helped that I had a crush on this same person. And we're still friends to this day but the crush I had has long since been extinguished.
This post is getting much longer than I had intended. Apparently I can't squeeze in seventy-seven years of turning points in my life in one post. I will pick up this stream of memories in a later post.
10 comments:
I think every boy has the fear of showering with 'the guys' in school the first time. The summer before ninth grade I went out for HS football, and had the experience...I was TERRIFIED I would have en erection, but I had the towel to sort of shield myself; once the water hit me I was fine, been running around nekkid ever since, every chance I get!
:-)
-Andy
Ron,
Didn't understand your thinking you were ugly back then. I thought you were a good looking guy, and since I am not gay that opinion should carry some unbiased weight. I hated group showers, but I didn't have a great opinion of my skinny body. I liked being naked, but I didn't want anyone to see nude. I did notice that "they" were not all alike and I didn't care to be compared to others. I usually managed to sneak in and out of the shower room when it was pretty empty. I only felt humiliated by nudity in the Boy Scouts when we went to Camp Horseshoe and they made us Scouts strip totally naked and stand in this line for a doctor to examine. The whole thing was pretty much out in the open and kids mothers and sisters were wandering about where we could be seen. And then the only thing the doctor looked at when we got to him was our toes for Athlete's Foot. Of course, my parents had a nude of me when I was a very young, probably three. When I started dating and brough a girl over, my dad use to say, "Want to see the real Larry" and show them that picture. Total embarrassment.
Lar
Waiting to hear the Rest of the Life ..... always a Great Read... Your Blog!!!!
Hey Ron - you are a good writer and storyteller. And I'm certain a lot of us readers can relate well to your revelations. And I think it's more unique that in your case you felt at times awkward and, also, dismissed by your father - you never seemed to have a sense of guilt or shame - which I believe many of us experienced greatly in our lives.
Pat
Very interesting, Ron. I can relate with the high school showers, but I was the only boy who would get erections - but only around certain other boys. Years later, more like 40 years later at a high school reunion, I came across my friend Richard who also turned out to be gay also. Richie has that effeminate voice while I don't.
Hey Andy!
Same here, I was TERRIFIED. Once the initial (first) shower happened, I was alright ever since. In fact, I looked forward to the showers so I could check some of the other guys out. Only a few times did I have a problem with a "pending" erection. How I managed that was to not think about the sexual part, only the clinical (doctor checking out his "patients") part. But there were a few times I couldn't help myself. You know that part of our anatomy has a mind of its own sometimes (smile)
Ron
Lar,
My thinking back then before you made the comment that I was a "good-looking guy" was that I was "imperfect" or something like that. I didn't dwell on "good-looking_ or not, just that I wasn't "normal". I guess this is how brainwashed people think,, I didn't know there was an alternative. Thus when you made that comment, I was taken aback. By the way, I didn't take your comment as a come on or from a gay person (which I didn't even know what a gay person was back then but I did know about "dirty old men"). But when you made your comment it was a turning point in my life because for the first time I thought (after the initial shock) that I could possibly be "normal" and not a freak. We both had the same kine of fathers in a way didn't we Lar? They liked to humiliate us. My father often did that and seemed to take glee in it. I remember so looking forward to our family getting a new car. Little did I know he was getting a pickup truck. I remember asking "Where will I ride?' He said "In the back" and smiled. Now this was a time of my life when I was a very self conscious teenager. Imagine my humiliation riding in the back flat bed of the truck like some cargo? Of course my brothers rode in the back too but they didn't care. One of them is the one who took the picture I put in my blog post. You know that thing they did with you Boy Scouts, stripping you makes to check for athlete's foot. Looking back on it now that was some pervert scout master who did that, of that I have no doubt. That was an awful thing to do to very self conscious boys. I'm sure you weren't the only one humiliated with women walking around. I applied for a job at Lukens Steel after I got out of the Army. There were about sixteen of us, men of all ages. We had to be examined by the doctor. They told us to all take out clothes off at the same time. We waiting around in the waiting room, with women walking and out and we were naked. There was no need for us to take off our underwear. We could have kept our underwear on. I remember one old guy and his withered body, standing there naked. Totally unnecessary. I don't think they do things like that now. If they did, I wouldn't put up with it. I think there was a lot of abuse back then that "they" got away with. Even today some doctors are insensitive to patient's feelings. That's why I discontinued going to my first urologist. He liked to put me in stirrups then leave the door open to his office while he hustled about. He did that one too many times for me. I go do a urologist now who has more respect for his patients. Long reply to your comments here Lar but this is a rich subject.
Ron
"Tommy",
There's a lot to write about and I'm going to write about it before I kick off. At least I'll try. We all lead interesting lives. I like reading about other people's lives and their experiences too. I wish I could read more blogs like that.
Ron
Thanks Pat. No doubt I felt dismissed by my father. It wasn't until after he died and my Mother started "spilling the beans" about him that I found out he really didn't want children. We were just an annoyance to him. At least he wasn't awful, awful like an alcoholic and drug user but he definitely wasn't a comfortable person to be around.
Ron
Joel,
I rarely got an erection but I had a method to avoid that possibility. Usually it worked. Sometimes when I felt like that part of my body taking on a mind of its own, I would get dressed and quickly get out of there before being "exposed." Like you, there was no danger of me getting aroused around most of the guys, but there were a few that I knew were "dangerous" to be around. I would usually take a quick glance and then get out of there, fast. One time, when I was in the Army, I was taking a shower by myself (I usually took showers when the others didn't to avoid that "problem") when one of the guys came in who I had admired from afar. So of course I was nervous when he came in the shower. I was hoping he didn't have "much" but when I saw him .....WOW! God, I choked. He was BEAUTIFUL! No one should look THAT GOOD! I knew I had to get out of there FAST. And wouldn't you know it he came in and took the shower RIGHT NEXT TO ME all friendly and everything. Of course I couldn't take my eyes off of him. All I could think was "And you going to waste THAT on a woman?" I got out of there real fast and never took a shower with him again. Way too dangerous.
Thanks for your comment Joel.
Ron
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