Ron Over The Years

A change up in my blog posting folks. Yes, I continue to grieve for my loss of Bill but I have to move forward with my new life.

This morning I noticed I have a load of Memory photos automatically created by my Mac computer. I've decided to share all these videos of my photos and videos with my You Tube account and in turn my blog. This is for posterity folks. At eighty-two years old, I won't be around much longer so I better get with it and post all these videos. I also have many old 8MM films that I converted to videos that up until now I have in a private You Tube account. I will gradually also make all those video public.

When I die I doubt that whoever goes through my possessions will find them of any importance or interest. My old photos and videos will probably end up on the curb on a rainy Spring Saturday morning after a failed garage sale. Believe me folks, I've seen those image before. I even rescued old photos and was able to find a home for them with a distant relative of those photos even though she was reluctant to accept them. I have to face the facts that when I'm gone, I may be missed by a handful of people but none of them will be interested in my thousands of photos and videos of my life. Not even Pat, being the minimalist that he is. So be it. So I will post my old photos and videos in the off chance that someone, perhaps some distant relative in the future (one hundred to five hundred years) will find the life of this one individual interesting and a bit of history to save and contribute to the history of the twentieth and twenty-first century. I may not be famous, rich or a person of incredible talent but I did live and exist in this time period and I think that is well worth preserving for posterity. 

Respondence To A Condolence Letter

Today I received a long condolence letter from a former classmate of mine. She had lost her husband (also named "Ron") a number of years ago. In her letter she told me that there is no time limit on bereavement and related to me how she has dealt with the loss of her husband over the years. This is my response to her very thoughtful and kind letter of support for me at this time of my life. 

Patty,

Thank you so much for your very thoughtful card and note on the passing of my Bill Kelly. That was very kind of you to think of me at this time of my bereavement for the greatest loss in my life.

As you probably know Bill and I were together for a long time (fifty-nine years). Losing Bill was like losing half of me. I literally have been with him my whole adult life. We met when I was twenty-two years old and he was thirty-five. We had almost sixty really good years together. 

The last three years of Bill’s life I was his full-time caregiver. In January of 2021 (during the height of COVID) he fell and had a brain concussion. He was never the same after that fall. I thought I lost him then when they airlifted him to Thomas Jefferson Hospital in Philadelphia and he spent a week in the ICU. Thankfully he survived and then spent the next two seeks at PAM, a rehab facility in Dover. I brought him home from there and the last three years I feed him, dressed him and kept him company all day (I quit my job to be with him). He did lose his sight (macular degeneration), which really distressed him because he always liked to be kept busy. I took him on his daily ride which he so loved because he could see color and light from his peripheral vision. Riding in our car now without Bill in the passenger seat is especially hard for me now. 

Bill gradually got weaker and the last two and a half weeks of Bill’s life he went downhill fast. Literally. He kept sliding out of his favorite chair in our sunroom where he spent most of his day. It got to the point where I had to keep calling the local EMT’s to get him up off the floor (at a $100 each visit!). 

Finally his condition got to a point (he was hallucinating) and couldn’t eat because of his throat problem, that I just could not take care of him anymore. 

He was receiving VA home health care and home hospice care. The hospice nurse arranged for him to be admitted to the Delaware Hospice Center in Milford on Wednesday February 21st at nine o’clock at night. I followed the ambulance carrying Bill to the Hospice Center. I stayed with him that night and all day the next Day Thursday. I left before it got dark on Thursday (I hate to drive at night) and returned Friday early in the morning to again stay with him all day. He was unconscious the whole time but I believe he could hear me. Many times I whispered into his ear “I love you Bill”. One of my friends suggested to put my iPhone up to his ear so they could say goodbye. I did and that gave me the idea to call other friends and relatives. They all said “Goodbye” to Bill. 

I again left on Friday before it got dark to return to our empty home. I had a feeling I would never see Bill alive again. And I was right. At 2:30 AM early morning February 24 my iPhone rang. I knew what the call was about. I picked up the phone and the hospice nurse said “Mr. Tipton I am sorry to inform you but Mr. Kelly passed away last night at one thirty.” 

I knew this call was coming Patty but still…….my whole world changed in an instant. 

I have not been the same since. You’re right, we all have to take our time in our grieving for the loss of the greatest love of our life. Your Ron was a special person, I knew that right away when I first met him. I was so happy for you and Ron. And even now I know you miss him terribly. 

When they say “Time heals all wounds”, that’s not really true. I tore my quadricep muscle on my right let in 2013. I did a lot of damage. I couldn’t use that leg. It was useless. However, I had surgery and then three months of rehab and now I can walk on that leg. It will never be the same, always pins and needles from falling asleep but thank God I don’t have pain. The leg has healed but you know what? The scar is there. It will always be there. It’s not as horrible looking as it was when they first cut my leg open but it is still there, somewhat faded as it is now. For the rest of my life the scar of not having Bill in  my life will be my companion. I will never be the same person. However, I have been very fortunate in that I have been able to console myself with a very good friend who also lost his partner just a month before Bill’s accident. We talk to each other frequently on Zoom. 

Last month my cousin Barbara lost her brother (also my cousin, same age as me) whom she was the caregiver for. We console each other. Then last month my good friend and former co-worker Renee just lost her husband. She is going through some really rough times now because her husband’s death was unexpected. She is only forty-seven years old and still has a whole life ahead of her. I console her. And we all console each other. We joke that we don’t need shrinks, we can take care of “this”, the biggest loss of our lives ourselves. 

I saw this screed posted on Facebook and it says exactly what it is to loss one’s spouse. 

We’re at the end of our lives (I know how old you are (smile) but my life isn’t over yet. I am fortunate that I have a very good friend that I met eleven years ago and we have traveled together every three months for years. Bill didn’t like to travel so he was all right with my friend Pat Flynn and I traveling. Of course I love Pat and he loves me but he always understood that I would never leave Bill. There was never a problem in our relationship. Actually Pat was always the person I was looking for my whole life. It’s funny but when I moved in with Bill, which I was reluctant to do way back in early 1965, because I told him he “wasn’t the one.” He said that was alright I just want us to live together. He also said “You do your thing, I will never hold you back. Just be discreet.” I liked Bill but at the time didn’t love him. I moved in with him (he lived in Pennsauken, New Jersey) so I could be closer to my new job at Girard Bank in Philadelphia. And then guess what happened, while I was about “doing my thing” over the years I done went and fell in love with Bill. How did I find that out? I was going to leave him one time for someone else (which would have turned out to be a disaster) and when I told him, he didn’t cause a scene. He didn’t yell. He wasn’t angry. He just looked up from the gardening he was doing outside and said softly “Please don’t leave me.”  Then like a bolt of lightening I thought “What am I thinking about?” I CAN’T LEAVE BILL. I would never be able to sleep at night wondering how he was taking care of himself. You see we had a very beneficial to both of us relationship all the years we were together. He did the handyman stuff and I ran the household. I urged him to take early retirement when he was fifty-five years old  and I was the sole support of us until he could collect his Social Security at age sixty-two. We had a mutually beneficial relationship and here I don’t went and fell in love with him. Of course I didn’t leave him then and never even considered leaving him even when I met Pat in August of 2013. 

Now my life has changed. I will grieve for the rest of my life for Bill. However many years I have left to live in this life, that hurt of not having Bill in my life will be like a scar on my soul. Never completely healing but enabling me to go on functioning living my life.  

Pat is a Canadian. His mother was American. Pat and I will eventually get married. First I have to submit a K-1 Fiance which will take about nine months to a year to process. If I live that long we will get married and then I’m off to races again. But I will never forget Bill and all the wonderful years he gave me. 

Thank you again Patty for your warm condolences on Bill’s passing. 

Always, my best to you.

Your friend and former classmate (DHS Class of 1959)

Ron

And yes, I didn't include the images in my letter to Patty. 

Talking and writing about my loss is helping me get through this very difficult time of my life. Wether I throughly blog postings, talking to others who have lost loved ones like my neighbor Linda yesterday, of just thinking about all the good memories of have of Bill and our life together, I'm getting through this folks. I was helpful through to read that my friend Patty said "There is no time limit on bereavement."

Rough Few Days

Just when I think I'm overcoming the biggest loss in my life (Bill's death February 22), I'm back in the hole of bereavement again. 

What brings this about I'm finding is a few overcast and rainy days. Sunny days are much better for me. I seem to be able to get on my life without Bill. But a string of dreary, cloudy days and especially the weekend; bring about melancholy about just how much I miss having Bill here with me in our home.

This short video was taken February 3, 2021 at a rehab facility in Dover Delaware. This was during the height of COVID. At first the hospital staff wouldn't let me in to visit Bill but they relented during my second visit to take him his favorite blanket and a hat for him since he was no longer wearing his toupee. Thereafter they always let me in because they said I had a "calming effect" on him. You think? I loved that man so much and he loved me even more. I was so happy that I was able to take care of him here at our home for the next three years of our life until he died three years later almost to the day at the Delaware Hospice Center in Milford after only a stay of three days. The last two and a half weeks of Bill's life he was so weak he kept sliding out of his favorite chair in the sunroom and I had to keep calling the local EMT's (at a $100 a pop) to help me get him up off the floor. 

I was so fortunate that I was able to take care of Bill here at our home we both loved so much, with the help of the hospice nurses and the VA home healthcare nurses. They were all so kind and helpful but at the end I just couldn't manage. The tipping point came when the hospice worker was showing me how to administer the morphine pain killer injections and turning him over in the hospital bed to change his Depends. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I JUST COULD NOT DO IT and to this day I fee guilty about that. I know I shouldn't but I do. But most of all I miss Bill. Oh how I miss him. We loved each other so much. 

About an hour ago I was talking to my friend Renee who lost her husband unexpectedly last month. I've been helping her through bereavement. She has also seen signs of her husband contacting her, letting her know that he's alright and looking after her. Two days ago her dog had a paper in her mouth. Renee pulled the paper out of her mouth and found this.

"Tom" was the name of her husband

"Tom" was the name of her husband. Now that is just too much of a coincidence. Renee told me it's not like her husband wrote his name on all his receipts, he didn't. But why this? It was her husband contacting her. The same morning I was reading Renee's text message on my iPhone a red cardinal flew right into my path, almost hitting me. I knew immediately that was Bill. I've never seen a red cardinal before where we live here at Casa Tipton-Kelly. Both Bill and I always liked red cardinals, often giving each other Christmas cards with a red cardinal on it. Also, the red cardinal is often used from those who have passed over as a messenger to their loved ones that they are all right and to give them hope. Renee told me that she shared her story with some friends and she's convinced that some of them thing she's one of those crazy ladies. That's the way I feel now when I tell Pat or someone else (except my friend Glenn who believes me) the times Bill has visited me here at our home. He hasn't been here lately but I expect him to make periodic visits to me to reassure me that he is waiting on the Other Side for me. Just as I was preparing our home for him after I left him at the rehab facility over three years ago, promising that I would being him "home", Bill is now waiting for me to return "home" and be with him on the Other Side. And yes folks, I definitely do believe in life after life. Our souls just occupy this human form for a short while but we eventually return "home" which is Heaven and that is where Bill awaits me.

Adjusting To My New Life

 Since Bill died, I've slowly been adjusting to my new life. The key word here is "adjusting" to my new life.

I'll admit that many times during the past three years when I was caregiving for Bill full-time, I often thought of what my life would be like without those caregiving responsibilities. Much to my surprise I have found that I actually miss caregiving for Bill. For all our fifty-nine  years together, the last three years were the closest Bill and I've been together. I miss that closeness. I miss caring for Bill. But I now realize it was time for him to go. He hung on so long for me. Even though we were lucky that he wasn't in pain and didn't have serious dementia issues, his quality of life was not good. Rarely a day went by that Bill didn't mention that he was only staying because of me.

I have come to accept that Bill is in a much better place now. I've been reading a lot about life after life, which I now believe. I believe our spirits live on after our earthly bodies die. After reading several books on this subject, some things that happened (Bill's spirit in contact with me) now make sense. I told him that if he could contact me when he went over to the other side, to send me a signal. He has. The clearest was the blinking white lite a few weeks ago on top of the curtain where I hung the year round Christmas lights. That was Bill. Also, the week after he died I felt his presence here in our house. I don't feel that presence now but I did then, strongly.

Now I adjust for my new life. One thing my household income is cut in half. That will  take some adjusting for me. I'll have to cut back on my free spending ways and go back to the way I lived most of my life, watching my expenses. That's not turning out to be a big problem. I actually planned for this time of my life when I decided to move to Delaware. I always assumed Bill would die before me and I knew I would have to live on my income alone. Also I knew I wouldn't work at a job into my old age which is a reality now. I'm home all the time. Actually it's nice, I can spend more time gardening and take care of our home. So many things I've put off in our past years, I can now do. That also is nice. Now that the initial shock of living my life without Bill is wearing off I know I will survive. A big part of my survival is my relationship with Pat. 

Pat and I will eventually get married. I have the K-1 Fiance VISA application form.  I have to finish that form and send it in to the U.S. State Department. That whole process will take from nine months to a year. Once that application is approved, Pat and I can get married. Up until now, I haven't been in the mood to complete the form and send it in. I'm getting there though.

 Next month Pat and my friend Glenn M. (who lives in California) will be my guests here at Casa Tipton-Kelly. I'm looking forward to their visit. They'll be here for a week. Just us guys. This will be the first time Glenn and Pat meet in person. We've talked on Zoom several times. 

Never in my life did I have two guests stay where I lived. This will be major different. I'm going to take advantage of their visit to help me put up new blinds in my garage. I've already warned them. They're much better at handyman jobs than I am. Of course Bill was the ultimate handyman whose services I had for over fifty years. Just how lucky was I?

I wonder if Bill's spirit will appear while they are here. 

Moving On May 2024

I continue to evolve in my new life without Bill.

The pain of his loss will always be with me the rest of my life, but I continue to heal. Just like my leg surgery that I had when I tore my quadricep. I can walk with that leg but the scar is still there and I still get a tingling sensation (leg falling asleep) whenever I sit too long. But I'm walking, for which I am so thankful.  

There are still those moments catching me off guard that remind me of how much I loved Bill and will have the enduring sadness of not having him in my life. The last three years of his life when I was his caregiver, especially brought me so close to Bill when he depended on me so much. I didn't realize until he died that how much I loved caring for him. Even though at times it was difficult to care for him, I now realize how much I depended on him to give my life meaning. I was indeed privileged to care for this wonderful man who made my time on this earth so wonderful. Bill literally rescued me from a potential life of disappointment, failure and misery. He was always my bulwark every time I strayed from his unconditional love. 

Yesterday I was thinking there are only three people in my life who truly love me. Sure, I have many people in my life who like me. Friends, former co-workers, neighbors, family and others I encounter in my daily activities like store clerks, doctors, and others who like me. But love me? Only three people folks. My Mother (of course) and then there was Bill and now Pat. Unconditional love folks. 

I will never forget the last days of Bill's life when he lay unconscious at the hospice center. I was a mess. The folks at the hospice center paid almost as much attention to me as they did Bill. Now I realize that I was part of their end of life care program. The folks at the hospice center also take care of the survivors.

Know that those folks did? They gave me the opportunity to talk. And talk. And talk. 

What did I talk about? I talked about how Bill "put up with my nonsense all our lives together." Bill never gave up on me. All the times I strayed. Those time which I took him for granted. All those times and he never left me. He believed in me. He loved me. I never realized how much I loved him in return until I was faced with the fact that I was about to lose him. I was standing on a trap door that was about to open and deposit me into the Unknown. How was I going to live the rest of my life without him? Of course this is all coming down to my inherent selfishness. It's all about me folks. Always has been but you know, Bill understood that and loved me anyway. 

The last few months of Bill's life I often told him how much I loved him. He loved to hear that from me. He would sometimes say "I don't hear that too often" in a friendly mocking kind of way. Know what folks? I wish I had said it more. Now I know if you love someone, you can never tell them often enough how much you love them.

Earlier this morning I was talking to Pat on FaceTime which I do several time during the day. Pat's working his job at Go Valet, which is a service that picks up vehicles delivers them to a auto service center. This morning he has a three hour plus trip to pick up a vehicle. As I was wishing him a safe trip and right before I disconnected our FaceTime call I said to him "I love  you." I've been doing that more often lately as I end our FaceTime calls. Pat responded with a smile. And that folks made me feel good and I'm sure made Pat feel good. We often take our present life situation for granted. We never know when it will be the last time we see that person we love. 

Today I will do more yard work. I will make crock pot beef stew. I will take a walk around my neighborhood. I will walk my neighbor's dog while he is fishing. I will update my nine online Scrabble games with Pat. I will make a new batch of soup. And I will check in on  the new occupant of my fish pond, a goldfish which grew too large for my friends Jack and Judy's aquarium. 

I'm moving on folks. I'll be all right. 

Mother's Day 2024

Me with my Mom and Pop 1942 Mineral Springs, PA

Me with my Mom and Pop 1972

Mom has been gone for fourteen years this year. 

Mom and Ron 2008

She would have been one hundred years old this Mother's Day. 

Me with my Mom and my two younger brothers at her step sister's home in  Compass, PA 1951 (guess who was Mom's Favorite!)

Me with my Mom at her step-sister's home in Gap PA 2004

Even though you're not here this  year Mom, here is my wish for a very happy Mother's Day wherever you are now. 

Me with my Mom July 4, 2002 Downingtown, PA

If there is a Heaven, we will be reunited soon.

Me with my Mom and my paternal grandparent's grave Union Hill Cemetery, Kennett Square, PA May 5, 2002

 

Ron Has Company!

My company of the past three days has left this morning.

Their visit was wonderful therapy for me in addition to having a reunion with old friends. 

Jack and Judy were our witnesses to our wedding eleven years ago. 

Last night we went out to dinner with their friends Margaret and Laura at The Touch of Italy in Rehoboth Beach. Wonderful dinner with old friends and new friends, this is the first time I have met Margaret and Laura. Laura is Margaret's daughter-in-law.

Jack and Judy, who arrived Wednesday afternoon, were the perfect antidote to preventing me from slipping into another bout depression over the loss of my Bill. 

Hey folks, it looks there will be a life for me after all after losing Bill. Bill even sent us another signal. On Thursday night, as Judy and I were talking with each other in my living room, the overhead lights on the kitchen counter blinked on and off. They have never blinked on or off before. Never. Judy noticed. Another signal from Bill was as I was taking Judy for a tour of my Memory Room in my finished basement, the music that came on my Bose speaker (which I had turned on earlier, which was unusual because I almost never turn on the Bose speakers but I was showing off) planed "The Third Man Theme" as Judy and I were exiting the room. "The Third Man Theme" was literally Bill's favorite music selection. He LOVED that music! What are the odds. That to me, call me crazy, was Bill sending me (us) another signal that he is all right and still looking after me. 

The reason Bill loved "The Third Man Theme" was because it reminded him the time he was stationed in Germany right after World War II during his Army enlistment. He visited Vienna and saw that giant Ferris Wheel. We he saw the 1949 Orson Wells and Joseph Cotten movie it brought back all those fond memories of Bill's time in Germany during those same years. Bill had a cassette tape of that music that he would play occasionally to bring back those memories. Only rarely have I heard "The Third Man Theme" play on my Pandora radio station but when I did as I was exiting my "Memory (junk) Room" with Judy yesterday, there it was. Bill sending me a message again about he was watching us and being with me and getting a kick our of me showing that room again. I will never believe otherwise folks. I so comforted knowing that Bill stops by here at Casa Tipton-Kelly to let me know he still with me.

Also, this morning I found this on my Facebook page from a former co-worker of mine. It talks about the loss of a spouse. It is so true. I will never be the same but I will survive. And especially now knowing that Bill will continue to be with me, albeit in a different form for the rest of my life. 

I am so fortunate to have had Bill in my life all the years we were together and now to have such friends who are helping me. 

Have a great day everyone!