Bill Kelly 1928-2024

 

Two years ago today the love of my life passed. 

He awaits me now in Heaven.

The Best Birthday Card I Ever Received

 

Bill wrote this birthday card to me for my 80th birthday in November of 2022. 

When Bill wrote this birthday card he was legally blind. He had macular degeneration, the dry kind. He could not see out of the center of his eye. He could only see peripheral vision. Thus, Bill wrote this birthday card when he was blind.

In our fifty-nine years together we had long since discontinued giving each other presents on our birthdays and Christmas. We had everything we needed, material things. And we also had that most precious commodity of all, love. 

In place of gifts, Bill always prized the cards I gave him. He looked forward to them. I have saved them all. He also shopped for cards to me. I will always treasure them because of the notes he wrote on those cards. Bill only wanted one thing in life, to be with me. He wanted nothing else, just to be with me and love me. 

As I've written about many times before in this blog that I've been writing for over twenty years now, Bill and I began our relationship as roommates. A living arrangement of convenience. He traveled a lot, sometimes three months at a time he would be gone from his apartment. I wanted a job in Philadelphia but I didn't make enough money to support myself. He urged me to live with him. He told me he loved me but I couldn't assure him that I would love him equally back. I was twenty-two at that time and just out on the gay scene the previous year. He understood that and often said "A caged bird doesn't sing." He just advised me to be discreet in my "adventures." And I was. Ours was a mutually beneficial arrangement for both of us. I took care of running the household and Bill took care of the handyman (he was an electrician) functions. 

Of course what eventually happened was over the years I actually fell in love with him. That was the time I was going to leave him for another man and he asked me "Please don't leave me." I remember the time and place. We were outside during a warm summer day and he was cutting back some daylillies. I went out to tell him that I was making arrangement to sell the house and get an apartment to move in with "Harold". By the way, in retrospect that would have been a gross mistake. A disaster. Bill literally save my life. That's another whole story that I don't want to go into. But when I told that to Bill, he looked up from what he was doing, looked me in the eye, and said "Please don't leave me." Even as I say this my heart aches. It was then the thought struck me "What was I thinking? I can't leave Bill." It was then I realized I loved Bill more than life. I just could not imagine my life without Bill in it. Sure, we had arguments, sometimes pretty loud but never anything physical. 

When I first moved in with Bill, he supported me. Now I was supporting him. Both financially and emotionally. Financially was the practical side but emotionally, that was even more important. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night wondering how Bill was managing. And more than that, I loved this man. A life without Bill? Impossible!

Even today and like many days since Bill died a year and a half ago, rarely a day goes by that I don't feel waves of sadness and loneliness because of how much I miss Bill in my life. Foolishly I wonder "Whose taking care of Bill now? Are they taking proper care of him?" Of course They are because he is in Heaven. Bill is in Heaven with our dogs, his friends and family waiting for me. He is well taken care of until our spirits reunite in the Afterlife. 

On my birthday this year, I am planning on marrying Pat. I love Pat. I love Pat a lot. However, it isn't the same kind of love that I loved Bill. But that doesn't mean I love Pat any the less. It's just a different kind of love. Pat doesn't have to be with me all the time. Although we talk several times every day on FaceTime and get together at least once a year, we aren't dependent on each other the way Bill and I were. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am so fortunate to have had Bill in my life. To have his love for almost sixty years, incredible. Especially the last three years of his life when I was his full-time caregiver. What a privilege. A gift. 

One day, in the not too distant future Bill and I will be together again and that will be wonderful.

Bill at BJ's December 29, 2018

The weekends are the worst. 

When Bill died I didn't think of what times I would especially miss him. I'm finding that it is the weekends that really tear me apart.

This morning I made the eighteen mile trip to BJ's Wholesale Club in Millsboro. This is usually a thirty minute trip. 

When Bill was alive I took him out for a ride almost every day. Usually these rides were nearby, mostly to Food Lion in Milton or the Rehoboth Beach area, all within a ten mile radius. 

These days I don't take a ride everyday. There is no reason to unless I have to buy more food or make my weekly visit to the Restore Thrift Store (Habitat of Humanity). 

The last time we took a ride to BJ's was about three months ago, before Bill really went downhill. I sensed at that time that was our last trip. As I was returning from BJ's, and looked over at Bill looking out his window at the passing scenery on Route 5, a wave of sadness enveloped me. I knew this was our last trip together. And indeed it was. 

I've been putting off going to BJ's again. This time the half hour trip would be without Bill. Do I need any more sadness today? I still have enough reminders of Bill that threaten to drown me in self pity and sadness. And to top everything else off today, the weather was windy, cold, cloudy and foreboding. No sunny day today to lift my spirits. 

I survived the trip. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Still, I was very lonely driving in my car by myself without the comforting presence of Bill in the passenger seat of our 2010 Red Subaru Forester.

I've been at loose ends all day. I woke up around 4:30 AM this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. Probably because I knew I was going to make this trip to BJ's, the first one since Bill died. 

Usually I can find enough around the house here to keep me busy and take my mind off of missing Bill.

Not today.

I just couldn't get myself interested in anything else. I could't work outside, usually a surefire way to deaden my mind to missing Bill. 

Not today.

I had an early lunch. Then an early nap. 

Usually I get up from my afternoon nap around five PM. Today I was wide awake at 2:30. My whole schedule is off. 

I called my friend Glenn in California on Zoom. He's three hours behind me here on the East Coast. We talked for the forty minutes free time Zoom enables me without signing up for a monthly bill. I wanted to talk a little more but Glenn hadn't had lunch yet. 

I can usually talk to Pat on FaceTime but he's on twin gigs with his band The 45's this weekend. He's unavailable. He called a few times to check in with me from his gigs but couldn't talk too long. 

There is still a lot to do here around the house but I'm just not in the mood for that activity. I decided to clean out some of my old e-mails. I'm ashamed to admit it but I have old e-mails dating back to 2014. Mostly to do with my Find a Grave and Ancestry.com inquiries. For some weird reason I was in the mood to clear out those e-mails. Deleting some, saving some. Then I came across an old e-mail from a friend's visit in 2017. Four pictures of Bill and a video with our friend. Looking at the happy Bill and our friend, I was again thrown into a deep funk. Will this never end?

Last night I was talking to a former friend and a co-worker who recently lost her husband. She called me, crying. I had talked to her earlier in the week and told her she could call me anytime if she got too down. Last night was bad for her. Friday nights. We talked and shared memories of our respective spouses. She met Bill years ago (2001) and liked him. Everyone who ever met Bill liked him. She told me after our talk that she felt so much better. And that was why I asked her to call me whenever she felt like it.

It's now 5:35 PM. I can take an early dinner. Perhaps go outside for a walk through the neighborhood. Clearing my head always helps. My walks now aren't so easy with my arthritis. But walking is good for me. 

The forecast for tomorrow is sun and temperatures reaching in the seventies. 

Hardest thing in my life right now folks. But there is always tomorrow.

I am thankful for those in my life now like Pat, Glenn, Don and Renee and my neighbor Bob M., who frequently checks in on me to see if I'm all right. Bob lost his wife over four years ago. He still visits her at the mausoleum nearby where her remains is above ground. I have Bill's ashes downstairs in his bedroom. I talk to him almost every day. I probably will the rest of my life. I am comforted knowing he is still with me. I promised him that. 

Bill Kelly Obituary

 

Bill Kelly obituary

Bill's obituary appeared in our local newspaper today, the Cape Gazette.

I wrote Bill's obituary. I think I captured his personality. I wished he could have read it. Even though Bill was a very private person, I think he would have been proud of this obituary I wrote for him. 

This afternoon a representative from the local funeral home came to our home and presented me with an American flag in honor of Bill's service to our country. Bill would have really liked that. I put that flag and printed proclamation thanking Bill for his service to our country in his room.  

I will not change that room for a long time.....if ever.

American flag honoring Bill for his service to our country now with him in his bedroom

Early Morning Tour Or Our House After Bill's Passing

Good morning folks.

This video is one I made yesterday morning.

I woke  up about 3:30 AM and couldn't get back to sleep. So I decided to share with you this short video tour of where Bill lived.

Yesterday I brought Bill home. He's in his bedroom now. I talk to him. I am comforted by his return to our home. He will be with me forever. 

Bill Kelly 1928-2024

 

Sergeant William Kelly, Bamberg Germany, 1951

Bill died at 12:20 AM this morning at the Delaware Hospice Center in Milford, Delaware. 

I was told he died peacefully. 

His long journey on this earth is now over. 

He is now at peace.

I know he is in a better place.

He suffered so much the past three years.

God bless his soul. 

He was my life for fifty-nine years.

I cannot imagine my life without him.

I am lost without him.

Pray for me.

Bill In Hospice Care

 

Hospice Center

At the first signs of daylight yesterday, I drove the sixteen miles north to the hospice center where Bill is staying. 

I wasn't planning on staying all day but after a feeling of comfort enveloped me once I settled in Bill's peaceful room, I decided to stay all day. Or at least until the end of the day, before darkness fell upon the land. I don't like to drive at night.

Bill remains unconscious or sleeping. I whispered into his ear several times during my eight hour stay. I don't know if he heard me or not but I was told by his doctor that the hearing was the last to go. Maybe Bill heard me. I told him I was there with him. I also told him it was all right to go.

The level of care that Bill is receiving at the hospice enter is above and beyond anything I ever expected. Beautiful homelike settings and a kind and caring staff who not only care of bill but also me. Several times during the day Bills doctor nurse and even a volunteer lady are in to talk or more likely listed to me.  A president or movie star couldn't receive better care than Bill is receiving right now at this hospice center. Someone comes in every hour or so to check his vitals, wet his lips (he hasn't eaten or drank any liquids for three days now) and even turn him over in his bed. I am so thankful the hospice center came in to help me when I could no longer take care of Bill when he lost the use of his legs. 

Something that I discovered by staying with Bill was how comforted I was by the hospice center and staff. I was only going to visit for a few hours but I decided to stay until dark. That place is helping me to ease the pain of losing the love of my life for these past fifty-nine years. Even so, when I came back to our home late yesterday afternoon, I was struck by all the reminders around our house of Bill's presence. Folks, I can hardly endure that pain. To know that I will never have Bill's presence in our home again. 

I knew this pain would come and I will get through it. I have a little time left while my heath holds out. Last week Bill had a "serious" (his words) talk with me. He said he felt "different", that his time will be soon. He said he wanted me to have a good life with Pat. I was sort of struck by that statement and responded with "Don't worry about me with Pat." He said "I'm glad you have Pat, because I know you like him." I responded with "Yes, I do like Pat but I'm concerned about you now." He then said "We had a good time didn't we?" And sure enough, we did.

Now to prepare myself for Bill's passing. I know it's going to hurt but this is even worse than I expected. And yet I feel guilty because Bill has led a long, good life and we have had a good life together. Fifty-nine years is a good run by anybody's measure. But still, I am having a hard time imagining my life without Bill in it. I've taken care of him so long, even before his illness which started three years ago, that I feel lost now and..........very alone.

Thank you everyone for your comments giving me support. Thank you, thank you.

Bill Kelly February 12, 2024 Update

 

Bill Kelly U.S. Army Japan 1947 at the Great Bhudda (Bill is standing in front of the Bhudda with his arms akimbo)

Good morning folks.

A lot of changes here with Bill's health. 

I don't have time to post everything right now but I will later. Just trying to catch up now.

However, I will say that Bill is still with us and here at home where I can care for him. 

He is becoming progressively weaker and his cognitive ability has significantly decreased. 

I am basically taking care of a ninety-five year old child now who often awakes me at night, confused as to what time it is.

My purpose in posting an update now is to take down that awful picture I had of Bill with my last blog post. I should not have posted that picture of Bill in is declined state. From here on out I will only post photos of Bill as I remember him when he was in the prime of life. 

Nobody told me to do this. I decided to make this change myself.

With all that happens I am so appreciative that I can still take care of Bill here at home where he is most comfortable. 

I will update more when I get things under control here.

Bill Shaves For The First Time In Three Weeks

Bill shaved for the first time in three weeks this morning. 

I also cut his hair for the first time in my life this morning. 

Today we went out for a ride. Before Bill's emergency I took him out for his ride almost every day. Bill is so happy we have returned to his daily ride. Today was a nice sunny day too.

I think I'm getting a routine worked out during this new phase of our lives. A friend, who took care of his mother during her declining years, recommended that I make time for myself every day to cope with being a full-time (24/y) caregiver. That's what I'm doing now that Bill is in his recliner in his bedroom. However, I do have to stop in his bedroom before I go to bed about 11 PM to help him in the bathroom. This is one function that I wish I didn't have (I have enough problems with my bathroom visits) but I'm managing. Seems like my whole day is based on Bill's bathroom needs. 

Bill's walked more, with the help of his walker today. That's better than sitting all day, he has to get the blood flowing in his legs. He was complaining about his legs hurting yesterday. His legs didn't hurt today. I told him he has to walk more. 

Another problem is that he's always cold. I just came back from his basement bedroom, which is always toasty. His bedroom is next to our heater, my bedroom is on the other side of the house. He said he was "cold." I checked the thermostat of the space heater in his bedroom, it's set at 74 degrees which was warm enough for him in the past. Now he's cold. I moved it up to 79 degrees. It's like a sauna in his bedroom now. 

I have to go down to his bedroom at about eleven for another pee call. I'm tired now and would like to go to bed but I don't have that option because if I go to sleep, I know I won't wake up until 3 PM at the earliest. And of course no afternoon nap this afternoon. My afternoon naps are a thing of the past. They were always how I rejuvenated myself. 

This morning was an ordeal. I woke up at 2 AM and of course he had to go to the bathroom. I woke up again at 4:30 AM for another bathroom visit for him. I took this opportunity to give him a shower, which he hated but he needed. Then he shaved after the shower (the video above) and I cut his hair. 

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. A TELEHEALTH video call with his VA doctor. Also coming over is his Medicare health aid physical therapist (Serena). Also the case manager (Linda) is coming over. I'm sure there is going to be an overlap. I'll have to manage the best I can. 

Today was very busy too. Had to call the ambulance company to tell them to send the bill to the VA for Bill's transportation from Philadelphia to Dover. I also got the quote from the local funeral home on Bill's final arrangements. Talk about sticker shock and I'm not even having a viewing. I called my neighbor who buried his wife last year through the same funeral home and he did have a viewing. I dared to ask how much that cost.......$20,000! Wow. The funeral home did do a nice job though. That's why I called them. They do take care of everything. If Bill passes before me (and one never knows) I won't be in any shape to provide all his personal information. My brother suggested that I take care of this now and I'm glad I did. I checked around and the cost estimate was the average. I've come around and now have accepted the cost. I want Bill to get a good sendoff. He will get a military funeral with a 21 gun salute. But in the meantime I have to go downstairs now and make sure he's warm.

Bill with a cover over his head trying to stay warm

Happy 90th Birthday Bill!

William "Bill" Daniel Kelly - 90 years old today!

Today is my husband Bill Kelly's 90th birthday!

Congratulations Bill!  

I was a young man of twenty-two years old when I met thirty-five year old Bill Kelly at the Westbury Bar in Philadelphia in 1964.  

Little did I know then that today, fifty-four years later I would still be with that man.  

I liked him then but never in a million years thought I would still be with him fifty-four years later.  We were different in so many ways. But here we are today.  Older and wiser and still in love.

Happy birthday Bill!  Now let's go for a hundred!

Bill "Buddy" Kelly - circa 1932

Bill's Surprise- A Small World

Montage of Bamberg, Germany photos on display on their website November 20, 2011

Bill (my spouse) got the surprise of his life yesterday.  While he was surfing the web he brought up Bamberg, Germany.  Back in the Fifties, Bill was in the Army and stationed in Bamberg, Germany.  Bill has many fond memories of his stay in Bamberg.  He loved Germany.  He always wanted to go back as a civilian but he met me and you all know how that turned out.

So Bill does the second best and he visits Germany on his computer.  Yesterday while he was visiting he noticed a "generic" picture of a soldier on Bamberg's website.  It was a photo of him!  This photo was taken in 1951.

Bill told me many years ago how this photo happened to be taken.  He was strolling through Bamberg one day and saw a photography shop.  He stopped in and got his picture taken.  He picked up his finished photo a week later.  A few weeks later a fellow airman asked him if he knew his picture was now displayed in the front window of the photography shop.  Bill didn't know but he was flattered.

Now all these years later here is his photo shows up on the Internet for all the world to see.  Who knows, maybe his photo has been on display in that photo shop all these years!  By the way, I was ten years old when this picture was taken.  Uh huh, Bill could have swept me off my feet.  I had to wait ten years (1964) and that's when he did sweep me off my feet, without the uniform.  He's still gorgeous!

Bill Kelly- Bamberg, Germany 1951