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| Hospice Center |
At the first signs of daylight yesterday, I drove the sixteen miles north to the hospice center where Bill is staying.
I wasn't planning on staying all day but after a feeling of comfort enveloped me once I settled in Bill's peaceful room, I decided to stay all day. Or at least until the end of the day, before darkness fell upon the land. I don't like to drive at night.
Bill remains unconscious or sleeping. I whispered into his ear several times during my eight hour stay. I don't know if he heard me or not but I was told by his doctor that the hearing was the last to go. Maybe Bill heard me. I told him I was there with him. I also told him it was all right to go.
The level of care that Bill is receiving at the hospice enter is above and beyond anything I ever expected. Beautiful homelike settings and a kind and caring staff who not only care of bill but also me. Several times during the day Bills doctor nurse and even a volunteer lady are in to talk or more likely listed to me. A president or movie star couldn't receive better care than Bill is receiving right now at this hospice center. Someone comes in every hour or so to check his vitals, wet his lips (he hasn't eaten or drank any liquids for three days now) and even turn him over in his bed. I am so thankful the hospice center came in to help me when I could no longer take care of Bill when he lost the use of his legs.
Something that I discovered by staying with Bill was how comforted I was by the hospice center and staff. I was only going to visit for a few hours but I decided to stay until dark. That place is helping me to ease the pain of losing the love of my life for these past fifty-nine years. Even so, when I came back to our home late yesterday afternoon, I was struck by all the reminders around our house of Bill's presence. Folks, I can hardly endure that pain. To know that I will never have Bill's presence in our home again.
I knew this pain would come and I will get through it. I have a little time left while my heath holds out. Last week Bill had a "serious" (his words) talk with me. He said he felt "different", that his time will be soon. He said he wanted me to have a good life with Pat. I was sort of struck by that statement and responded with "Don't worry about me with Pat." He said "I'm glad you have Pat, because I know you like him." I responded with "Yes, I do like Pat but I'm concerned about you now." He then said "We had a good time didn't we?" And sure enough, we did.
Now to prepare myself for Bill's passing. I know it's going to hurt but this is even worse than I expected. And yet I feel guilty because Bill has led a long, good life and we have had a good life together. Fifty-nine years is a good run by anybody's measure. But still, I am having a hard time imagining my life without Bill in it. I've taken care of him so long, even before his illness which started three years ago, that I feel lost now and..........very alone.
Thank you everyone for your comments giving me support. Thank you, thank you.
11 comments:
I think Mortality and the loss of a loved one are the hardest and scariest parts of life. There is no right or wrong way to handle or process it. You are doing great. You are starting the mourning process now and you know the only thing that will really help is time, acceptance, and the opportunity to grieve. Take all the time you need to go through this, a moment at a time, then an hour, then a day, then so on. You loved him and you lived well. He knows that. Stay strong.
Sassybear
https://idleeyesandadormy.com/
Sassybear those are wise words. I couldn't agree with you more.
Ron, you are doing very well for a man who is grieving deeply. I think some of the best advice I was ever given was to not resist the emotions that were coming at me fast but to accept them. Grief and feeling of loss is as natural as the love you shared with Bill. I was just reflecting on what you have shared in words and pictures of Bill's military career. Bill, like my father, is part of that Greatest Generation. Veterans like Bill, and you, are part of an era of our history that is passing quickly from our ranks. I thank Bill for his military service as I do you for yours. What a life you both have had. When a loved one departs we are often left with that terrible feeling of loss. But we are left with wonderful memories and slowly the pain is lessened and we focus now on the wonderful memories of a life well lived. Thank you for the updates. Remember that you are loved by many. Take care my friend. Woody in Ohio
Ron, I know that it is not much consolation but a poet, mourning a beloved [male] friend, wrote: "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
Ron---We uplift you in spirit---Yes, hearing many times is the last thing to go---I am glad you had last words with Bill and that you told him it is ok for him to move on----I am so glad that ALL the staff are taking care of OUR Bill and making you feel comfortable---It takes special people to dedicate themselves to working for a hospice organization---I am afraid that as our society has more older folks due to advances in medicine, hospice organizations will become more prevalent---Much Warmth---Victor---XX
Sending many thoughts and prayers Ron for both you and Bill.
Cheryle
Breenlantern,
Your comment brought tears to my eyes. So perfectly said. Everything. My heart is broken already. I fear how I will feel when he is gone. He's lasted another day incredibly. But he is so weak and hardly breathing. My heart hurts not knowing that he is suffering. However I am assured by the hospice workers that he is not. They constantly monitor him for any hint of discomfort and when necessary administer an increase ins drug intake (morphine). I pray for his release soon.
Ron
Woody,
You and I ageee completely with Sassy Bear's words. Completely. Beautifully said.
Ron
Anonymous,
I agree with that quote "It is better to have loved and lost than to have loved at all." There is another quote that is equally true, this sense of grief that I am now enduring is the price we pay for loving someone so much.
Ron
Vic,
Both bill and I are so blessed that Delaware Hospice accepted Bill into their facility. The care Bill is receiving is beyond my wildest dreams. I am so thankful to them for taking care of my Bill. He is literally receiving the best care in the world and frankly he deserves it because his whole life has been dedicated to helping others from his widowed mother that young and foolish 22 year old he sweated off of his feet fifty-nine years ago. Believe me, during our relationship Bill had to put up with a lot from me. Bill is literally the most unselfish person I have ever met in my life and it was my exceptional privilege that he took care of me for my most of my adult life. I was truly blessed to share my life with him. Now it is time for his eternal rest. I'm not sure if I will ever be the same without Bill, my rock.
Ron
Cheryle B.
Thank you for your kind and generous comment.
Ron
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