Bill Is In The Hospital

 

Bill with Sparky, one of his favorite dogs - 1972

As I type this blog entry, Bill is at the Thomas Jefferson University Hospital in Philadelphia, PA. He was helicoptered there yesterday afternoon after the doctors at the local hospital emergency room determined that he was near death from blood clots in his lungs.

I was very reluctant to post this information but now that I am over the initial shock of finding Bill unconscious on the floor of his bedroom yesterday morning and had to call 911, I am writing this information, bad as it is, as a continuation of the saga of the life of me and Bill. 

First of all, briefly, Bill's medical condition. He had bleeding on the brain (probably from the fall yesterday and the one a few days ago in the kitchen on the hard tile floor) which made the doctors' reduction to administer blood thinner medicine for the blood clots in his lungs. A further ultra sound found blood clots in his legs as well. Last night they inserted a medical filter device to prevent those blood clots from going to his heart and killing him.

I had several discussions with the doctors in what to do in the worst case scenario (which is still hard for me to fathom) but what Bill and I have always agreed on, no extra and above medical procedures to keep him alive. Minor surgery list the device to block those blood clots in his legs were all right but no brain surgery. At Bill's age even if he survived the brain surgery (to relieve the swelling from the bleeding in his brain of which there is no guarantee of recovery) his quality of life wouldn't be worth living. Same thing with resuscitation (breaking of his ribs) to get his pulse going again.

I was almost over the edge last night with concern that Bill would die. I just cannot imagine my life without Bill. Fifty-six years is a long time to spend with one person, sharing your most intimate thoughts and everything.  Bill has devoted his whole life to me, without him I have a hard time imagining even existing as a whole person. 

While talking to his nurse in the ICU unit last night she asked me if I wanted to FaceTime with Bill. Would I? YES! That brought me to tears. She took her personal iPhone and I talked to Bill on FaceTime. He was in and out of it but he did know who I was. He didn't know where he was or how he got there (he finally got his helicopter ride but what a way to get it), but he DID KNOW ME.

Since then I've talked to him several times on FaceTime (making a pain out of myself with his nurse but she's so nice) and he's a little more with it. 

I think he's over the most critical period now. They're going to start doing physical therapy with him now. His doctors have prescribed blood thinning medication. I was given the option of sending him to rehab or have him come home here. Of course I want him home. They warned me that I might have a problem lifting him (Bill weighs about 180 lbs) but I assured him that I can manage with the occasional help of my neighbor who also helps another one of our neighbors who has a propensity to fall. 

I called in to work to take a leave of absence. I will be here full-time to take care of Bill. 

I just cannot wait until Bill comes home. This is not a home without Bill. When I came back last night I saw several things right off the bat that reminded me of Bill. The overripe bananas that he so loves. His uneaten Werther's candy cream that he so loves.

Bill and I have often talked about when the day would come that one of us would check out. That one of us would die. We all get our turn. 

We agreed that it is best that Bill goes first. Of course he's worried about me but I can take care of myself. Except maybe psychologically. If I died before, Bill said he would kill himself because he would have no reason to live. Actually Bill would go crazy. I know Bill. Also, Bill is tired. He's often said he's tired of living but only stays around because of me. And I have to admit I'm selfish, I want him around. But what I have also told him is that when he dies it's like going under anesthesia, he doesn't know anything. So there is no need to worry about me. He will have that eternal rest that we all here about that is our eventual reward. I don't believe in Heaven or Hell but if there is an afterlife, it is Heaven. If and when Bill dies he will be reunited with his pets, friends, relatives, parents, my parents, and so many others we have know who passed on. Bill has outlived almost all of them.

I have been so fortunate to have Bill in my life for the past fifty-six years, but I am greedy. I want him just a little bit longer. 

I'm not religious folks except now. Pray for Bill and pray for me. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I hope I can make it through. I have to admit that sometimes I feel like just laying down and going to sleep and never waking up.  But of course I would never do that as long as Bill is alive. I am here to take care of him. I am privileged to take care of him.

This afternoon I called another friend who recently lost his longtime partner/husband. It was good to talk to him. Ironically he had sent me a letter that I received last night when I came home from work at the hotel to a house empty of Bill, there was his letter from him. I had never talked to him before but to his husband who had been following my blog for many years. He informed me that his husband was ill the past two years and he was caring for him all that time. I did not know that. I wondered why he stopped commenting on my blog. He did tell me how much his husband like my blog. Now I feel guilty for not posting more often. It was good to talk to him (which we did for about two hours I'm embarrassed to say) over FaceTime. Then we had a three way conversation with Pat, my Rock of Gibralter. What would I do without Pat?  See how fortunate I am? If I didn't have Pat, I can't even comprehend that life.

The latest information from Bill's doctors (and I may be repeating myself here) is that they're doing physical therapy on Bill now to get him up and moving around. I will have to go to a physical therapy class. Then I can bring Bill home and maybe have more time with him. Oh God, I hope I can have more time with him. After all, I need somebody to eat those blackened bananas.