Two Months

 

Me and Bill November 12, 2017 at our neighbor's house

Two days ago, April 24th, marked two months since Bill died. 

I have to say I'm in a much better place now than I was two months ago when I was awoken at 12:33 AM by a phone call from Delaware Hospice informing me that Bill had passed away at 12:20 AM. Even though I was expecting that call, it still came as a shock to me. 

The following days and weeks I operated on automatic for what is expected of the surviving spouse of a long time relationship. 

At first I was lost. After caring for Bill full-time since his strokes in early January of 2021, I had gotten used to the Caregiver Routine. After Bill died, all of a sudden I was cut loose from my caregiving responsibilities. I thought I would feel relived but I didn't.  I felt that I had failed Bill because he died in spite of all I could do for him. 

The last two months have been a whirlwind of a haze. 

I took care of the final arrangements.  Bill's ashes are downstairs in his bedroom. They will stay there until I die at which time they will be buried with me or my ashes scattered with his. One thing is for sure, Bill and I will be together again, both physical and spiritually. 

Slowly but surly I am getting accustomed to my new life without Bill. I will always feel his loss, that goes without saying. But I can now see that I have a new life. I don't know how much longer I have to live but I do see that I can somewhat relax now.

In a couple weeks I will be hosting longtime friends Jack and Judy D., who were witness to me and Bill's wedding in 2013.  I am looking forward to seeing them again. They will be here for two nights. Jack and Judy used to live nearby here in southern Delaware. They live in Pennsylvania now.

Next month I will be hosting my friend Glenn M. from Palm Springs, California and Pat from Canada. Glenn and Pat will be here for a week then we all visit our friend Don M. in Philadelphia. Again, much looking forward to getting together with my friends Glenn, Pat and Don.

For all those who have lost dear loved ones, I can attest that it does get better. Of course I'll never be the same for the rest of my life but I am comforted by the fact that Bill is in a much better place now. He is no longer suffering like he did the last few years of his life, especially the last weeks and days and hours. His passing wasn't peaceful. That will always bother me the rest of my life. Just last week, after ten years of sitting in committee the Delaware State legislature passed the right to die bill. That means that if the prognosis of one is less that six months to live (two doctors to attest to this),  a terminally ill person can self-administer medication to end their life in a humane and dignified manner, if a physical or health professional agree the patient is acting voluntarily and understands their decision. Bill wanted to end his life this way but was prevented from doing so by our antiquated laws. We have more humanity towards putting our pets out of their misery than we do human beings. Bill did not die in a dignified manner. He was terribly stressed out. Not to discount the hospice care, they did the best they could but Bill did suffer horribly at the end and his last days certainly weren't dignified. Now all the Delaware State senate has to do is finalize the passage of this right to die bill and I can relax knowing that when my time comes, I won't die like Bill did. And you know what folks? I think Bill's spirit had something to do with this bill finally coming to a vote in the Delaware senate. His spirit (and yes, I do believe his spirit is still with me) knew how distressed I was to see him suffer so and he didn't want me to go through the same barbaric way of dying that he had to endure. Yes, I believe Bill had a hand in that bill finally moving to becoming law. Bill spent all of his fifty-nine years watching out for me. And now here at the end, this will be his final gift to me.