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| Case of Ensure supplied by the VA for Bill |
Today I stopped at the local Cheers Senior Center and asked them if they could use some of the several cases of Ensure that the VA supplied Bill. They were glad to accept the Ensure. They said they would give it to the local adult day care center.
Little by little I'm adjusting to live without Bill. At times it's rough. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. But then on days like today, when I keep myself busy I can feel those positive moments like donating cases of Ensure for use of other seniors who have trouble swallowing. Which reminds me, at the end Bill couldn't even swallow, his esophagus was so damaged.
One of the hardest things for me to do still every day is when I get in my (our) car and run errands. For the past five years or more, even since Bill lost his vision, I always took Bill with me wherever I went. I always had his company in the passenger seat. I admit there were times when I would wonder what it was like to just get in our car and just go somewhere by myself. Of course this falls under "be careful what you wish for." Taking a ride around the local roads here in southern coastal Delaware was one of Bill's favorite activities. Those rare days when we didn't go anywhere in our care (usually because of the weather), Bill always missed "his ride." He didn't complain but the next day when we would go for our ride I would tease Bill with "We didn't go anywhere yesterday did we?" Bill would always say "I know, I know." Often I didn't have any errands to run so I would just take our daily ride down to the end of Oyster Rocks Road, which dead ends at the Broadkill River, and just park there. Bill treasured those times because he often said "This is the only time I can talk to you." When we were here in the house I rarely sat down with Bill but I was always with him except when I took my daily afternoon nap. Either I was in the kitchen making a fresh batch of hamburger cabbage soup or in my home office on my computer. I miss talking to Bill.
I may have mentioned this before but I have decided to keep Bill's room basically as it was before he died. I'm gradually getting rid of a lot of his electrical equipment and tools that I can't and never will use. I was going to clear out his room including his furniture but then questioned "Why?" Indeed "Why?" When I walk into his downstair bedroom and see his freshly ironed shirts hanging on the coat rack (he room doesn't have a closet), I get a warm feeling in my chest. As far as I'm concerned, that room will disappear when I disappear from this premise. When I'm gone, hopefully reunited with Bill's spirit, it won't matter.
Pat's visit to me here in Delaware and my road trip back to Pat's home in Canada was a nice diversion. This week taking care of my neighbor's dog and cat is also another nice diversion. But I always return to this home of my dreams without Bill, I am so lonely. No one can ever replace Bill. This is something I realize even more now that I had ever imagined when he was alive.
One thing I realize even more now is how much Bill suffered the last three years of his life. Because of his macular degeneration he was legally blind. He couldn't see anything out of the center of his eye. He couldn't look me in my eyes nor could I look him in his eyes. They say the eyes are the window to the soul. All he saw was my shadow. Even so, he still wanted to be with me and I with him. Bill gave so much. He always did for me. All he ever wanted out of life was to be with me. And now I realize that's what I wanted out of life. Oh sure, he had some habits that I didn't like. That all seems so insignificant now.
I wonder how long I will feel like this. I used my friend Glenn M. as a measure. He lost his longtime partner over three years ago. He still misses "his Michael" but he is happy in his new life. Glenn gives me hope. I think of all those millions of people who have lost loved ones they have been together a long time. They're all managing. My sister-in-law, still missed my brother but she's managing her new life. Same with my cousins who lost their husband, father and brother this past year. And I too will manage.
10 comments:
It took a long time when I lost Bill. I tried grief groups, but that didn’t seem to help me much. Eventually I just get busy in the garden to wear myself out. After awhile of keeping constantly busy I started to heal. When I decided to move to my current house with my things only it felt like a new start and it was. I did not want to live with his son any longer since I turned into the cleaning lady. I am so happy with the home I moved into and to be away from his awful son and daughter. Change is hard when you loose a partner, but it gets better with time.
Cindy
Ten years after my partners death I still remember and miss him.... But I have new adventures and a new love to share things with. Its remembering those little things about the past that bring new smiles and new reflections on where we are in life at this time.
Continue on..... remember the past.... and relish the future.
Kent
Cindy,
I so appreciate your comment. Unfortunately I cannot move from our home, where there are so many memories. Perhaps in time, if I become handicapped and can no longer care for myself I will move to Palm Springs, which is where Pat wants to move and live eventually. But for now I will stay here which is my perfect home and one which I can afford (low taxes and paid for and the layout is perfect for me). I'm sorry that your living arrangements were different when your Bill passed. Grief groups wouldn't be of much help to me either but my friends who have suffered and endured losses have been a big help to me. Especially my sister-in-law Barbara and my cousin Barbara (same name) and my good friend Glenn M. who lost his long time partner. They have been of tremendous help. Taking things over with strangers just doesn't work for me. Maybe for others and for them I am glad but doesn't work for me. I believe you when you say it does get better with time. It has already but the awful pain of his loss is still with me wherever I would live. I do get comfort from going into his bedroom every day and talking to the box that holds his ashes.
Thanks again for sharing your experiences with me.
Ron
Kent,,
Great advice! This is exactly what I plan to do. I've already did it with my trip to Canada with my good friend Pat. I plan to resume my previous life and hopefully my former part-time job at the hotel. That would be a great distraction. And of course my annual trip to Palm Springs in February for Modernism Week with Pat. Pat will also be visiting me here in Delaware more often. Life does go on and I plan to live a little bit more before my time comes.
Thank you for your comment.
Ron
Fantastic picture of Bill and Pat. It really is.
I drink an Ensure product everyday because it helps me get the nutrients that I might not be getting otherwise. What is upsetting is that the stuff is so darn expensive. I can afford it but that is not the point. The point is what about the folks out there who can't afford it. They are the ones most often who would benefit the most from it. That is the way the world turn though isn't it? I also drink Pedialyte to help with keeping myself hydrated. I do what I can to keep things running.
When my second husband K died at age 92 of just plain old age I felt as if my world had ended. K knew this would happen and he made me promise to "get rid of all my crap and make this place your own". He often would repeat the same thing to me. So after he died and life returned to more normal state I did somee serious soul searching. I did what he wanted me to do. I went through the house systematically and gathered all his things that I could do without and had them all set aside in the garage.Then I went on a vacation all by myself. I had a great time. When I returned home I took a good hard look at everything left in the house and purged a few more things. Then I called in an auctioneer and had everything sold at auction. For some reason I didn't feel bad about doing it. I sort of had problems and felt guilty about feeling great being rid of 90% of the things he brought to the marriage. I spent the next 6 months making plans to renovate the 1952 1800 sq. ft. ranch. So exactly 2 years after his death I had a party and invited all my and his friends to join me. It was a party unlike anything friends had seen in many years. Afterwards I started out living life as my own life. Yes, I had wonderful memories and I delighted in thinking how much K would have enjoyed the renovations and the party. I slept so well from then on and found a whole new source of energy that I used to manage my businesses.
So here I am 24 years latter and 10 years after the death of E husband number three. I am in a 450 sq ft apartment and have surrounded myself with the things I love and I am happy. My health has been slowly and consistantly failing. Doctors say I am living in a body that is about 20 years older than it's 71 years. My goal is to ;ive to 80 and in my own apartment. I have the money to see me through to 100 if I should live that long. But you know what? No one should live more than 90. It is a struggle and all those who I know are 90+ say basically the same thing.
So Ron, you are doing well even if you don't feel like it. I think you might find a lot of weight lifted off your shoulders if you would call in a consignment auctioneer and show him all the things you would like to clear out and maybe he could make a few bucks for you after expenses. I am not talking about your special items that have precious memories attached to them. I am talking about the worrisome things like all his gadgets and electronics. And of course anything else of yours you might like to rid yourself of. It is just a thought. I sort of get the feeling you like everything to be in order and worth keeping. Life marches on.
By the way my K had macular degeneration also. The doctors proved to me that he could see out of the corners of his eyes very clearly. Do you think that Bill enjoyed talking to you while sitting in the car at the end of that road by the Broadkill? I think he could see you out of that corner of his eye and enjoyed the closeness of the confines of the front seats of the car. You might give that a little thought because it might just be true.
Ok, it's that time again. Be safe, be careful, be happy. So says crazy Woody in Ohio
You are doing the best you can, Ron, and that is all you can ask of yourself. My mom and dad had been together I think over 70 years when he passed. They met as kids and were best friends and partner pretty much their entire lives. I was so proud of my mom for soldiering on alone; I know how incredibly, incredibly hard it was. (And I made sure I told her how proud we all were of her before she passed.) Be proud of yourself for how you're handling everything. And lucky you to have Pat, and all your other friends. I know it's not the same but it helps.
And I must say, I enjoy reading Woody's comments. They brighten my day as well.
Take care!
Woody,
I appreciate your suggestion that I get rid of all things associated with Bill. I am getting rid of most if not all of his electronics. I will keep a few of his tools but there are so many. No need to contact an auctioneer, I will give all his things to my local Habitat For Humanity store. I've already given them a lot of Bill's things over the past few years like his sewing machine that he brought back from Japen in the Fifties. The Resotre Thrift Store got a good price (over $400) for that sewing machine. Some of Bill's shirts, which mostly are my old shirts, I will give to the local veterans' thrift store but I will keep the six of so that I kept ironed for him that I changed every three days after I gave him a shower. Immediately after Bill's death I was going to get rid of all his things including his bed, chair and bureau but decided instead to keep them because they give me comfort whenever I visit his basement bedroom where I keep his ashes. I "visit" Bill every day.
Yes, Bill could see me in his peripheral vision and he so enjoyed out times together in our 2010 Red Subaru Forester. I did too, but I just didn't realize how much until now I no longer have Bill riding shotgun for me.
I am setting a new path for my life and I find keeping myself busy helps to alleviate the pain of not having Bill in my life anymore. One thing for sure, I will never have to go through this again. You can only live with one person for fifty-nine years. If Pat should die before me (unlikely but one never knows), I of course would be devastated but not the same way I am now with Bill gone. Bill and I had a special bond that absolutely could never be replicated. I'm so glad I had so man-years with him.
Thanks again for sharing your experiences with me and the readers of my blog.
Be well Woody,
Ron
Elle,
We all manage grief in our own unique way. I feel I am making progress in accepting that I will never see Bill in the flesh again nor have his goodness in my life again. I am so thankful I had him for so long in my life. Few people have been loved as much or as long as Bill loved me and I in turn loved him. We had an unusual beginning but it all turned out well.
I too enjoy Woody's comments. He has lead a very interesting life. I am glad he shares his experiences with me and the readers of my blog.
Ron
You promised to write about your stay with Pat in Hamilton , Canada .
But you never did ! Only that is was cold and windy .
Did you forget about it or did something happen ?
These blanc pages were days spent together , I was wondering about it ... F
Ron, This reading helps me, I hope it can help you too.
“Keeping their room exactly as they left it is perfectly normal in grief. From areas of rooms to entire rooms to entire houses, this is so very normal. And yet, because there’s so much correction and judgment (and lots of self-judgment) inside grief, grieving people are either criticized or wonder themselves if this is strange behavior. Because our culture sees grief as a kind of malady, we behave as though it’s something to get out of as soon as possible. People conclude that grief is “bad” because it hurts. We behave as though grief is a problem to be solved sooner not later, rather than the natural response to loss it is. Friends and family see you in pain, and they want to relieve your pain. They look for any evidence that you’re "getting better," that you're not “too sad.” And without that evidence they worry that you're "stuck." And in turn grievers wonder themselves if they shouldn’t be “better by now.” So here’s a reminder for anyone who needs it: there is absolutely nothing weird about leaving their chair, bedroom, office or studio, garage, or their entire house untouched. It’s perfectly normal grief to enter those spaces in order to feel closer to your person, to touch their belongings, to hold or wear their clothing or jewelry, to talk to them, to feel their presence. Evidence that they were here, that they lived, that they were part of you is important.”
— Megan Devine, Refuge in Grief
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