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| Me holding Bill's hand today. I hope he knows it was me. |
This morning I awoke about 3:15 AM.
I did go to bed much earlier than I usually do, 8:30 PM. I was exhausted. A good exhausted but still exhausted. No streaming a Netflix movie last night for Ron.
My sleep was deep when I awoke at quarter after three for my nocturnal trip to the bathroom.
I usually have two, sometimes three trips to the bathroom for my nighttime pee. Last night was different. I couldn't get back to sleep thinking of Bill, laboriously breathing. So I just stayed up and got ready to take off and visit Bill at the crack of daylight, which I did.
For the second day in a row I was the first guest to arrive at the hospice center. I know this because you have to sign in. For the last two days my name was first on the sign in sheet.
This day I was more prepared when I planned to spend the day at the hospice center. I took my MacBook Air computer with me as well as a journal. However I didn't spend much time with either. Most of the time I sat next to Bill's bed watched him breath with difficulty. He's breathing slower now with longer pauses. A few times I thought he stopped breathing altogether.
The folks at the hospice center tell me that the hearing is the last to go. So I made a point of several times of putting my mouth very near Bill's ear and telling him I loved him. I don't know if he heard me but one time when I was holding his hand, and after awhile I tried to withdraw my hand, he tightened his hand as to try and prevent my hand from leaving his hand. Perhaps that was just a reflex but I hope it was him knowing I was there with him today.
Again we had a number of visitors in the room. The in house social worker (very nice). This time we had not one but TWO pastors come into the room. They were very nice too but Bill and I aren't Believers. All this "If you want to be saved you have accept Jesus Christ as your savior." When I told the one paster I didn't believe that he asked me what I thought happened when you died. I said "Nothing, a void. Of course I don't have inside knowledge of that but it's the only thing that makes sense to me next to being reborn in a different body perhaps on a different planet." Whatever but none of that evangelical nonsense (please don't anyone be offended). Evangelicals support Trump. Need I say more?
Today was a cloudy, misty rainy day. When I wasn't sitting next to Bill's bed I was looking out the window of Bill's room to the garden outside, wet with rain. This hospice center is truly a peaceful, tranquil place to end one's journey on this earth. I could not ask or wish for me.
Tomorrow again I will travel the sixteen miles north to the hospice center to be with Bill again. Bless his heart. I do wish his suffering will end soon. Even though they're giving him a lot of medication to alleviate his suffering and discomfort I still feel that he is unhappy and in distress. I'm not religious as you can surmise from my previous rude comments about evangelical Christians but please God, release Bill from his earthly body and transport him to Heaven. A place of peace and tranquility and perhaps, a place to reunite with his family, friends, loved ones and beloved Pomeranian pets Hamburger, Sparky, Tee Tee, BabyDoll and Horace. Oh he would so love to see those dogs again.
Maybe tomorrow.
4 comments:
Sleep well, Ron!!
Glad they are making Bill comfortable.
Oh my, TWO pastors. Hope they were respectful of you and Bill's wishes. None of this mind-twisting and guilt nonsense. I am in your camp. I have been down the religious road. Young and stupid. I was thinking the other day about this Mike Johnson thing. Yes, he has his "religion" but it is hostile that others should believe what he believes and take it to the point of making policy. Was not our Country founded on separation of church and state? Plus we have others who believe in other doctrines besides Christianity. It's offensive and disrespectful to them. Further discussions for another day.
Be well--
Victor
I'm glad you're talking to Bill and holding his hand. I think, on some level, Bill is feeling/hearing your presence. We gave our patients sublingual morphine to help ease the breathing and restlessness. I imagine Bill is receiving the same. I have no time for 'organized religion'. I've seen it do some pretty horrible things to people. Please take care and rest as much as you can. Easier said than done, I know. I'm thinking about you, Ron, and that Bill remains comfortable until it's time for him to go.
Paranormal John
Vic,
Well, the two pastors did a little bit of than. I didn't embarrass them though by making a scene. They were just doing their job. I was trying to be respectful of that. But I do have a thing against evangelicals. Christians. Mind your own business I say. Yes, this country was found on the concept of "freedom of religion" and also "freedom FROM religion." I take the latter. The Mike Johnson and of Christian, they type of Christian houses his faith to shame and control others, hypocrites; I despise them. Them are not true Christians if you believe the tenants of the Christian religion. I'm spiritual, I just don't do the "man made religion". The type of religion that Mike Johnson represents. thanks for your comment Vic.
Ron
Paranormal John,
Yes, Bill was receiving morphine to help ease his breathing and restlessness. He was very restless when he was taking in the hospice facility Wednesday. He was striking out and even "got in a few good licks" as one of the nurses who was helping to lift him off of the hospital gurney. After they had him in his bed they told me I could come in an be with him. Bill was sleeping for about two hours then he became restless again. Several times this happened and the nurse kept increasing the dosages of whatever they were giving him. I was with the next two days (Thursday and Friday) all day. He was sleeping the whole time, breathing heavily at times, and other times hardly breathing at all. He died just after midnight on Friday (actually Saturday morning). I am comforted by the fact that during my stay on Friday I was able to put my iPhone to his ear (they say the hearing is the last to go). Our friends Jack and Judy (witnesses to our wedding and in California) were about to say "goodbye to Bill as well as Pat in Canada, Don in Philadelphia and my sister-in-law Barbara in Greenville, South Carolina. I think Bill heard them.
Thanks as always for your very informative and helpful comments John.
Ron
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