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| Bill's hospice care nurse visit yesterday, every time the nurse's visit they always ask "Are those pictures of you?" Yes, folks, that WAS me. |
Bill has been approved and readmitted to home hospice care. Thank God.
He's weaker now and clearly declining. Having him on home hospice care will make it so much easier when he passes. The next time he has an medical emergency I won't have to drag him to the urgent care clinic and then to the emergency room to only end up hooked up to various and sundry tubes and other medical devices monitoring his condition until he dies.
Our number one goal is to have him here at home when he passes. He loves our home. This is where he is most comfortable. Being with me, sitting in his beloved sunroom, sleeping in his cozy, tucked away bedroom in the basement.
He can still climb and descend the thirteen stairs to his bedroom and personal bathroom right across his bedroom. He is very careful walking. Since he's had his strokes two years ago he hasn't fallen once. I've lost count of the times I've fallen.
Bill spends about twenty hours a day sleeping now. He's more confused now but still knows who I am.
I have to liquefy his morning and evening oatmeal ("with extra sugar!") meals. He doesn't snack on his favorite thin lemon Oreo cookies now nor his caramel candies. He doesn't eat his occasional spoonful of ice creams. He does however, take a vanilla instant pudding occasionally.
He's lost more weight. I think he weighs less than I do now. He used to weigh about two hundred lbs. The last two years his weight has dropped twenty pounds or so. Now he weighs about one hundred and seventy pounds. I hover around 160 to 170. Actually I've lost more weight since this latest health episode with him.
Bill's right leg is healing from the removal of that cup full of blood clot that had so horribly swollen up his leg. His leg is still swollen but less so. I still have to bandage his leg every morning. It weeps.
Our hospice service has been wonderful. They are so caring and helpful.
Last week we had the lady come in and stay about three hours while she did the admittance protocol (questions, papers, signatures, et al). The next day a nurse came in to evaluate our medical supply needs. And from here on we will have a weekly visit by a hospice nurse to monitor Bill's condition.
Bill will stay on hospice this time until he dies.
I think I have reconciled myself to his death but of course I won't know exactly how I will react and deal with his passing until it happens. What I do know is that I have reacted differently to the passing of others in my life in different ways. None of them have been the same. In fact I've been surprised that I didn't have much reaction at all when some of my friends and family died. Of course I was sad but not devastated as I expected. I'm pretty sure with Bill's passing my reaction will be different.
Already I'm reacting differently to situations now that I would have in the past. Just this morning I received a very hurtful text from a longtime so called friend about another totally different subject. In the past I would call him out on his arrogance and stupidity and ignorance but this time? I'm letting it go. I just don't have the energy for that kind of vitriol now. I did spout off a bit on my weekly Zoom call this morning with three other friends who know this individual. They let me spout off and made no comment and moved on with our regular weekly conversations, which was probably best. Folks, knowing that I'm about to lose the love of my life puts all other things in their proper perspective. I've known this guy all my life and I've always known he's like this. I think of what Maya Angelo said "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Indeed. So instead of responding my usual way I will not respond at all but I am letting that friendship go. And if I do hear from him again, and if I do have a response it will be two words "Sail on."
This morning I was on my Facebook Group website for former Ft. Devens, Mass Army veterans.
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| Me, far left in the back (tallest as I usually was with my friends) at Ft. Devens Massachusetts April 1960 during a break between classes. Yes, my camera. I am so glad I had the presence of mind to have photos taken that day. I've posted this picture many times before on my blog but I do it again for newer followers of my blog. I only wish I had taken more pictures back then. |
These guys are from all years at Ft. Devens, most from the 80's on. I was there in April to October of 1960. Most if not all of the guys I was there with then are dead. I think I'm the only one left alive. Bill is not the only one fading out from life here. Right here folks, I'm fading out. But before I go I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure Bill's passage is smooth and peaceful. That folks is my purpose in life now.
14 comments:
I’m amazed that Bill can negotiate those 13 stair steps. I’ve got a brother three years younger than me that couldn’t possibly do that. The best he can do is maybe three or four steps to get in and out of his house. Otherwise he is still active in life. I’ve also got 13 stair steps to another level in my house. I probably go up and down them a dozen times in a day, I think that’s probably the most beneficial exercise I get regularly.
Another thing that seems amazing to me is the fact that Bill doesn’t fall. Like you said, I fall regularly but usually I’m not injured by them.
The home hospice arrangement certainly does sound like the best thing for the situation you have there now. It’s good that is available for you. Is it the VA that provides it? I spent four years in the Navy back in the early 60s but I’ve never had any benefits from the VA. I tried one time but for some reason I forget I didn’t qualify, income probably. It seems like both you and Bill are getting good benefits from them.
I’ve been reading your blog for years and following your lives and I will continue to do so and hope the best for you.
Jim
So glad you have Hospice to help you. Had them with my father and mother in law. They are wonderful. I hope that it will bring peace to you.
Hello Monday,
Ron, I am happy to read that you and Bill have hospice coming out once a week to check on things.
I am in Bill's camp. I want to be at home when the time comes. The hospital can be cold, not personable, and who in the hell can rest in one with roommates, bells, and alarms going off, folks coming and going... Home is where he needs to be.
Thank you for giving Bill love and dignity in his final days.
Glad you are adjusting to the notion that Bill will be leaving soon. Nonetheless, it is not easy or welcome.
Best,
Victor
XO
PS-Love your pictures. I have seen the army buddies before. I may have a picture or two tucked away somewhere of me in basic and medical training. I wore the same green uniform. Our hats and name badges were a little different. We were called pickles. Towards the end of my time in the Air Force-late, 80s-the Air Force was transitioning from the all-green, pickle uniform to the battle dress fatigues-camouflage. I have a couple of pairs of those, as all my uniforms are in a box. As with many things in the military items are fazed out. So we could still wear both. I have never kept up with any of my military comrades. Maybe in the beginning. I have to say I enjoyed my time in the military. I was 27 when I went in and that caused some problems because folks treated me like I was a teenager/younger because of my rank. That pissed me off.
Hi there
Just wanted you to know that as a long time reader I'm thinking of you. When my Dad went on Hospice care they gave us this brochure about the signs of dying and I was amazed that the list wasn't just 'look for this right before death" but a whole long list over a long period of time. It was so accurate ---I told my sister "oh my goodness he's been dying for a year now!!!" He had almost all the signs---stopped interacting with others, stopped reading, stopped watching TV, slept more--all the things. I am so glad that Bill has you there with him and SO happy you have hospice to support you. Will keep you in my thoughts.
Julie
I brought in hospice for my 2nd and 3rd husbands. I really don't know what I would have done without them. I soon realized that the care was designed to benefit all involved and was much appreciated. For many months after the passings the hospice team manager kept in contact and we had lunch together. I think that the extra care that hospice provided is the reason that even today I handle death so well. Ron, I hope you find much comfort from your experience with hospice. I think of you and Bill often throughout the day. Please keep safe and do be careful. Above all try to be well and happy. Woody in Ohio
Hey Kid. Just was thinking of you and decided to visit.
Very sad to hear about Bill as we, and the boys, love him.
Hugs to you both and will keep an eye on you.
Your old Friend, m. (Our Simple Lives)
Jim,
Bill manages the steps but oh so carefully. Managing those steps is the ticket to our freedom and privacy. Just this morning a hospice worker called to offer her help (volunteer) with Bill. We would prefer our privacy as long as we can, and that depends on Bill walking, not falling and managing those steps.
If you were in the Navy during the Sixties would would at least qualify for Category 8 of VA benefits with is the prescription. That's the category I'm in. The VA prescriptions are great, save me a ton of money with only a small co-pay. Even my long time friend Bill B. who is a snob and thought he was too good for the VA finally signed up for the benefits because his Eliquis was costing him so much. His income is high and he qualified and I'm sure you can too. You should check again Jim. Bill is in Category 5 because of his blindness.
the hospice situation is definitely best for us now because that time is coming and at the End, hospice is the least stressful way. I can't go through any more emergency room visits. I've lost count how many ER visits I and Bill have had since we moved to Delaware. They know us there!
Always good to hear from you Jim.
Ron
ItsyBitsyLiving,
A new commentor! Hospice has always and continues to be so good for us. Imagine what life was like one hundred years ago when someone was at the end of their life. What kind of care did they receive? We are both so thankful for hospice care.
Ron
Victor,
I think I have finally accepted that Bill will be leaving me this year. He is ready to go. He didn't want to leave but now he knows that time is near. In a way I'm thankful he is here at home and the leaving will be gradual. He is literally fading away. This morning I was looking at a video I had taken of him painting our media room wall and he was so different and that was only abut four years ago. So much has changed since then. He's no where near the person he was then. Eventually we all fade away. I am also so thankful he's not in pain and he is here at home.
Ron
Jullie A.,
I too looked at that list and Bill is meeting all those signs. The body is slowly shutting down. I am just so thankful I can be with him as he transitions into the next world. I will miss him terribly when he is no longer in my life but as my friend Spo said "This is the price we pay for loving someone."
Ron
Texas,
You comments brought tears to my eyes. You are so right, Bill doesn't want to leave me but he knows his leaving is inevitable. Yes, both Bill and I have a wonderful life together. Sure, a few "bumps" in that road but overall, we were so much more fortunate than many people in this world who, regardless of their fame or fortune were not as lucky as we were to have found each other and lived this wonderful life we lived for the past aknist fifty-nine years. I am truly blessed. I will repeat why my friend Spo said "This is the price we pay for loving someone." I always knew this time would come but always pushed it to the back of my mine. At times I even selfishly wished I would go first but I just couldn't leave Bill that way. Bill has literally given his life for me in every way. How many people can say that? Each day now we value so much that we are together. Every day I go downstairs to his bedroom to wake him up and get him ready for the day, I treasure. Then one day he may not wake up. I will be sad beyond measure but I will know that if he passes in his sleep during the night, that is the best way to pass from this life.
Ron
Woody,
You have been through so much with your second and third husbands with hospice. I don't think I could ever manage that. I admire your strength. I hope at this time of your life you have someone to take care of you. I have seen too many of my friends who had no one at the end of their lives have that special someone. But hospice came through. I appreciate hospice but I want Bill to die here at home. Hospice is very helpful though. I'm sure they've seen and experienced all kinds of situations and ours isn't unique.
Thanks as always for your comments Woody.
Ron
Mark,
Hey Mark, I think of you often. Wondering how you're doing and that extended family of yours. Thanks for your good wishes. Bill and I are at that time of our life that we must say goodbye. We've had a good run though Mark. A very good run. So much more fortunate than so many who never find that kind of love. We are blessed. Thanks again for leaving a comment Mark. By the way, I would love to see a photo (or two) of those twin sons of yours (J & J). I bet you have a lot of stories to tell.
Ron
Another loving tribute; good for you!
Bill will have a good departure this way.
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