Bill at Rehab January 30, 2021

This morning I was able to visit Bill again for one hour. I won't be able to visit again for three days because of impending snow. I don't travel in the snow. Slipping on the snow and ice three years ago was the cause of me tearing my left leg quadricep which put me out of commission for months. I cannot take any chances that I won't be here for Bill when he is discharged from the rehab facility next Friday on February 5th, 2021.

Thank goodness he was more lucid this morning when I talked to him but he's still so tired. I'm still concerned about his mobility. I couldn't get him to maneuver himself so I could put a shirt, that I brought up, on him. His mobility is a big concern of mine when he is home. I would like to see more improvement. But we have another week to go at the rehab facility. Hopefully he'll be able to have more mobility. I'm not sure if I could manage if he was completely bed ridden.

I brought his glasses up to him but he didn't want me to leave them. He's afraid they would get broken like his hearing aid got broken a day after I brought it up to him. Bill might have broken it himself, because I noticed his hand movements weren't that good when I first give him his hearing aid to put on. 

I also brought him up his favorite sweater.  He likes maroon with a design. Pat bought him that sweater for Christmas several years ago. It's hard to get a cardigan sweater that is colorful with a design. It seems the only cardigan sweaters for men or either a dull brown or black. Bill hates those colors, especially black. 

The hour that I was allowed to spend with him quickly went by (yesterday they told me I'm only allowed to have an hour because of the COVID protocols).  It always breaks my heart to leave him there but I'm getting our home ready for his return with a walker and possibly a wheelchair. I've already taken up almost all of our throw rugs and runner rugs on the first floor. At first I didn't like the look, "too bare" I thought. Now, however, I'm growing to like it. Maybe I'll keep it that way. Easier to clean the floors (which I did with Murphy's Oil Soap today) and gives our place a spacey, modern look. However, the areas where I had the runner rugs are darker than the wood that's been exposed to light these past fourteen years since we lived here. 

I'm going to try and watch a movie tonight, the first movie I've watched, since Bill's accident on January 14th, a day I will always remember the rest of my life. A day I knew would come but still was a shock when it did come.

Soon, Bill will be home again and I can make him comfortable, give him his favorite food (he hates the rehab hospital food, something which he always tells me when I visit him, I tell him not to say it too loud), and place him whether it be in a wheelchair, hospital bed or that big elderly elevated chair in his favorite spot in our sunroom where he can look out the windows to our back yard and see the first arrival of the robins for the new spring and the daffodils bloom again. 

My route (bottom of the map) to Bill's rehab unit in Dover, Delaware. Delaware is a small state (second smallest in the United States). I cover almost half the state driving to visit Bill but it doesn't take long. Light traffic. If he lived in Pennsylvania and he was in a rehab facility up there, I would have a much more difficult drive. So thankful we're living in Delaware. By the way, President Biden's summer home is only a few miles away from our home here on the Delaware Bay. Small world. 

Bill At Rehab January 29, 2021

 This morning I took the hour drive to visit Bill again at the rehab facility where he's been for a week now. 

Yesterday I got the news that Bill will be discharged next Friday. When Bill called me last night (I was at work), he sounded normal for the first time in a long time. I informed him that he is going to be discharged next Friday (February 5th). He was very happy to hear that.

I was looking forward to visiting him this morning to share his upbeat mood. However I was disappointed. He was groggy. He hardly knew I was there. I asked if he was given medication. I was told he wasn't but when he doctor came around later while I was sitting with Bill as he slept and mumbled, he did say Bill was agitated yesterday and they gave him (I think) some kind of sedative. I don't know exactly what they gave him but he was very groggy (the only word I can think of, "drunk" is to hard of a word). 

Bill resting after his physical therapy

His physical therapist came by (she's very good) and helped Bill do some physical therapy walking with his walker and doing some steps. She had to steady him by holding onto his big belt and I followed behind with a wheelchair. She also gave me more helpful advice on how to care for Bill when he does come home. I have to admit I can concerned that I may not be able to do everything, especially be on call 24/7. But I am assured that why I will have assistance from health care workers several times a week. My friend Larry, who has ALS, has a healthcare aide visit him several times a week to help him bath, and other things. That is a great help for him.  His wife, who is the same age as Larry is (we're all the same age, 79 years old), needs help herself.  I hope I don't need help but I was seeing double vision when I drove home from the rehab this afternoon. That's a sign that I am tired. 

I'm visiting again tomorrow for a short time (can't stay long because of COVID protocols).  I hope Bill is more lucid. I was quite upset this morning because I couldn't talk to him.  I'm not even sure he knew I was there. Poor Bill, he didn't want to go this way.  How many times has he told me how his Mother died. She was having an afternoon coffee with a friend and got a severe headache. She told her friend she was going to lay down for a while but she ended up in the hospital and died that night, only a few hours before Bill drove down from New Jersey to Georgia to see her. His mother was only 52 years old. He's often said she "was lucky" because she didn't have to suffer the infirmities of old age. Of course I always had to remind him of all the years we would have missed being together if he died at 52. He has 40 years on his mother. His father died at 21 years old in a drunk driving accident. Bill has 71 years on him. But eventually "our turn" comes. 

Both Bill and I have been so lucky to have lived together so long. What a life we have had, so fortunate. 

Bill's Rehab Update January 27, 2021

Me and Bill today at his rehab facility -Bill in his favorite sweater and blanket

This morning I took two pairs of pajama bottom pants with pull strings for Bill to wear during his stay at his rehab facility in Dover. His regular jeans are too hard for him to put on because he is so weak.

I was very fortunate again in that they let me go up and see Bill.  When I walked into his room his doctor was talking to him. It was a good thing I went up in person today because his doctor had a chance to talk to me as well as his physical therapist and occupational therapist. Always better to ask and answer questions in person to those who are helping Bill get better and return home. 

Today the doctors have their weekly evaluation of the patients and decide which ones who will be discharged. I don't know if Bill when be discharged but they did ask me to come back Friday at 8:00 for training for caring for Bill when he returns home. 

During my stay for the first time I saw Bill walk, albeit with the help of his physical therapist who steadied him with a wide white strap around his middle, also holding up his XXL (too big for him) scrubs. The pajama bottoms (XL and in his favorite blue color) will fit him better. What a relief to see Bill actually walk. He was tired though because he had just finished about an hour and a half of physical rehab, like walking up steps. I know what physical therapy is like, I did it for three months when I recovered from my torn quadricep leg muscle.

I showed Bill's occupational therapist a video tape I had taken of the entry (from our garage) into our home to our sunroom, where Bill will be sitting most the day. Bill will also probably be sleeping there because he prefers to sleep in his chair. I don't think he can manage the thirteen stairs down to his bedroom so he'll have to sleep in the sunroom. I ordered one of those elderly cushy chair that elevate a person out of the chair. The chair is called a "Elderly-Heavy Duty Power Lift Recliner Chair with Antiskid Fabric Sofa Overstuffed Design". First thing she said "You'll have to take up those throw rugs and the runner rug. A wheel chair can't handle that." Our house is going to look strange/different but I will take up those rugs. This house is going to be Bill friendly.

Bill's new chair

I also had to measure the width of the door from the garage into our house to determine what size wheel chair Bill will return home in. He may have to come in through our front door, which we never use. We may have to use it now. Not a problem.

Life around here will be different when Bill comes home. Adjustments need to be made. I am glad to do that. I am just thankful that I have the opportunity to be with Bill and to care for him at this time of his life. 

Bill will be discharged with hospice care. That means we'll have help, which I know I'll need. Bill doesn't like anyone else in the house but I'm sure he will accept now because he knows we'll need that help.

This is the next stage folks. I hope Bill is home by this weekend but if he isn't, next weekend for sure. 

My wish is to be with Bill, caring for him during this time, the end of his life. I'm reluctant to write those words but that's what this is, the end of his life. Last week I was so upset and beside myself because I thought I lost Bill and I hadn't had a chance to be with him at the end and tell him I love him. Now I can do that every day. I can make everyday pleasant for him where he wants to be most, here at home with me. This is my privilege. 

Bill standing up with help today

Bill Rehab Update January 25, 2021

Bill on his iPad in his favorite Archie Bunker chair in our sunroom

 Today was the first full day of rehab for Bill.

He arrived at the rehab facility last Friday night. I visited him Saturday, bringing his clothes to him. It seems so long ago now though only a few days ago.

There is no physical rehab on the weekends at the facility, giving Bill time to settle in.

Bill called me this morning from his room. This is the best he sounded since he fell and struck his head Thursday, January 17th. His voice is still stressed and he occasionally get confused but he knows who I am and wants to go home. I impressed upon him that he can come home as soon as he improves his mobility.

I received calls from the coordinator at the rehab facility telling me of their plan. Bill will rehab then, if he improves they will send him home to me, his caregiver. They asked me if I was willing to be his full-time caregiver, which I readily agreed to. The good news is that his Medicare Part A covers several visits a week for a limited amount of time from a health care provider to help me. That so greatly relieved me. I remember when I tore my left quadricep muscle and was laid up for twelve weeks.  A home health care provider came in three times a week to change my bandages and help me which was a great help to me. Bill's health care aid would provide physical therapy for Bill here at our home. How kind and reasonable that is, health care at home instead of a sterile, lonely facility. Home is always best. Even though the facility where Bill is now is very good, and the people very kind and good, it's still not home. 

Later in the day I received a call from the VA. They asked me what Bill's status was now. She informed me that, if needed, after the health care aide time covered by Medicare Part A runs out, the VA will provide a health care aide. This takes a great load off of my mind that I was concerned about. She also told me that Bill could be in hospice care at home. She said hospice doesn't always mean a person is soon to die, he could be in hospice palliative care. 

To sum up, Bill is doing physical therapy (and speech) this week at the rehab facility. Maybe at the end of this week or next week Bill can then come home. That is my hope, to get Bill here at home where he can be taken care of in his surroundings where he is the happiest. He can be on his iPad, in his favorite chair, looking out our sunroom windows, see the early robins coming in for spring. Yes, I saw a robin today.

Visit To Bill Cancelled Today Because of COVID

 

Bill's favorite knee warming throw (the one I took up to him today)

This morning I received a call from Bill asking me where I was. I told him I was on my way to visit him.

I had packed his favorite Archie Bunker sweater (a raggedy sweater that never makes an appearance outside our home),

Bill's favorite sweater (a raggedy Archie Bunker sweater) - he LOVES that sweater, he has it now. I hope they let him wear it

Bill's soft warm throw that he uses when he sits in the sun room, pureed butternut squash soup, shredded cabbage, carrots and potato mix that I make for him and he so loves, and Hershey's Kandy Kisses (that he loves to melt in his mouth), and also more replacement batteries for his hearing aid. 

This is Sunday so the traffic was light up Route One but of course wouldn't you know it I missed the exit and ended up taking the long way in through downtown Dover. Yesterday I took the Expressway that took me right into the rehab facility where Bill is staying.

On this cold (28 degrees) and sunny Sunday I arrived at the other end of the rehab unit. I backed my car in the parking slot, expecting to spend another two plus hours with Bill. I gathered my tote bag full of goodies I brought up for Bill and entered the lobby. I told the receptionist I was her to visit Bill.  She said "Are you authorized?" I told her I was there yesterday and they sent me right up. She said "You have to be authorized or else I get into trouble."  I understood her position but I had that sinking feeling that I wouldn't get to see Bill. I was sick to my stomach. I asked her to check with her superior.  She asked me to have a seat in the lobby and she would check. Fifteen minutes went by and nothing. I went up to her again and ask if she had heard.  She said she would send her superior an e-mail.  An e-mail?  I asked if she could call Bill's room so I could talk to him. Maybe I could talk to his nurse.  She gave me his direct number, Bill has a phone right next to his bed.  He answered but he was struggling with something.  He said he was trying to "put on his pants."  I had brought his clothes up to him yesterday. Maybe they were trying to dress him. He was really struggling on the phone and was in the middle of this thing they were trying to get him to do. 

I don't think Bill can move that much. Even though he was sitting in his chair yesterday but I didn't see him get into that chair. When his nurse asked him if he wanted to try and get into the wheelchair he didn't want to do it.  I know physical rehab is hard, I went though it myself three years ago when I tore my quadricep leg muscle.

I asked Bill if he could put his nurse on the phone. He didn't understand what I was saying. He kept saying "I don't understand you."  I could tell by the tone of his voice he was very frustrated. And he's not talking regular. He struggles to talk. 

I hung up my iPhone because I couldn't make him understand me. The receptionist came over and told me that she heard from her superior and couldn't get authorization for me to visit Bill.  She yesterday was a "one-off".  I have to admit I was very surprised that they let me visit him yesterday because I didn't expect to see him.  Even though I was greatly disappointed (even more than greatly, I was devastated) I tried to compose myself and through sobs and choking up I told her that I appreciated them letting me see Bill yesterday and I understand why they couldn't today and since because of the COVID restriction. They have to considered the other patients they have in that facility. Another person came down and expressed her concern for me and told me where the coffee/refreshment room was if I wanted to spend time there.  I was pretty broken up, I have to admit. I hate myself when I'm like this in public but my heart is breaking for Bill. 

All he wants is to see me and come home with me. Now he can't see me or come home with me.

I haven't heard from Bill the rest of today.

I am so thankful I was afforded the opportunity to see Bill yesterday. One thing that was tearing me up since the EMT guys carried him out of here Thursday a week ago that I couldn't tell Bill how much I love him and miss him. That's all he ever wanted from me, my love (which he always has had) and to be with me. Yesterday I got that opportunity due to the kindness of those wonderful people at the rehab facility where Bill is staying now.

I hope Bill improves but I have to tell you that I wish he was moving more. I am worried. But one thing that I am so thankful for is that I had a chance to see Bill and could tell him that I love him. 

If Bill should pass away, he will be at peace. We always agreed it would be best if he went first. I just could not imagine dying knowing that I would leave Bill alone. It's better for me to be left alone. I can manage. Bill couldn't. But I have to tell you folks, this hurts. It hurts way more than I had ever imagined. 

The only positive thing now is that I'm not as desperate now as I was this time last week. If it wasn't for my friends (Glenn, Larry, Pat, Don and Bob) who let me spill my guts out to them, I was entering unknown territory. I felt like I was in a tunnel underground, crawling to get out and the further I crawled the narrower the tunnel became. I couldn't sleep. I was lost. I'm better now. I'm keeping busy. I talked to Glenn, Larry, Pat and Bob today. Bob is my neighbor who lost his wife, son and brother this year and lives alone. Glenn lost his partner/husband of 34 years on Jan 5th and just be coincidence happened to send me a letter informing me of that fact the night Bill was airlifted to the hospital in Philadelphia. I called Glenn on FaceTime the next day. Larry I talk to every day, he's been my friend since we became friends in third grade in 1953. Larry has ALS, I talk to him almost every morning on FaceTime at 8:30 AM. Don is my longtime friend from Philadelphia. His co-op guest suite is where Pat and I stay when we visit Philadelphia twice a year.  Don is a dear, dear friend. He is saving my life again. And then there is Pat, trapped in Canada because the border is close between the US and Canada because of COVID. But Pat calls me several times a day keeping me up to date on his condo move, getting my mind off of feeling sorry for myself. 

I don't know if Bill will ever come home. I hope he comes home. I hope his physical rehabilitation is successful. But I have my doubts, which I wish I didn't have but I haven't seen him move on his own except his arms. I wish he had more movement. Perhaps he will with this week of physical therapy. I hope so.

I am tired now. The last four nights I've slept hard but I do wake up early and can't get back to sleep. 

I always knew this time of my life was coming. I always pushed it into the background. Put it off. 

I'm trying to avoid cliches but I can't avoid this one. I'm taking one day at a time. I'm keeping busy (cleaned Bill's bathroom late this afternoon). And I await that phone call from the rehab where Bill is being well taken care of. I hope they put his favorite sweater on with those pants they were trying to get on him this morning. 

Bill just a few weeks ago sitting in our kitchen stool, being with me while I make more tomato, cucumber, onion salad for him. He loved being with me while I made his favorite foods. God I miss him. 

Bill at Rehabilitation Hospital Surprise Visit

Last night I got a call from the evening nurse on duty that Bill had arrived at the hospital yesterday. 

The night nurse asked me for information about Bill. He also asked me to come in with Bill's health care directive and to sign certain forms for Bill's stay at the facility. I asked if I could visit and drop off Bill's hearing aid and dentures. I also wanted to bring Bill some clothes because, believe this or not, whoever transported him down to Dover, Delaware from Philadelphia, left two bags of Bill's personal belongings at the Philadelphia hospital where Bill was staying since last Thursday (January 14th).  Thank God I was able to retrieve them (including Bill's wallet with all his identification and credit card, which I, of course immediately reported as lost) by asking my Philadelphia Center City resident Don to pick them up.  He did and will mail Bill's things to me next week.

This morning I got a phone call from Bill wanting to know when I was going to see him.  He's still confused as to where he was last week. I told him I was on my way up to see him this morning. Bill is about an hour away from our home, an easy direct ride. I also brought with me Bill's favorite juices; apple cider, chocolate milk and peach juice.

I didn't expect to see Bill because of the COVID restrictions. Much to my surprise they let me in to see Bill. I cannot tell you how happy that made me. I was so afraid I would lose Bill and not have a chance to ever see him again. Now I could see him and at least have that closure. The video at the beginning of this blog was taken by a very nice aide who works at the rehab facility. I'm telling you folks, this was one of the absolutely best moments of my life.

This blog posting will be one of the shorter blog posts because I have to get to bed earlier than usual for me, because I'm going up to visit Bill again tomorrow and every day that he is at this facility. My visits not only calm him down but it is good for me. I felt like I was going to lose it last week, the only thing that kept me from going over the cliff was that I had to be here for Bill. 

I have been truly blessed being able to see Bill again and to be with him. 

Bill at me at at his rehab this morning

Bill Moves Out Of the ICU Unit

PAM Rehabilitation Hospital of Dover

 Bill was moved out of the ICU unit this morning to the stroke unit at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital in Philadelphia. I inquired if he had a stroke and I was told, no, the stroke unit is a step down unit prior to releasing him from the hospital.

He's scheduled to be moved tomorrow to PAM Rehabilitation Hospital in Dover for physical therapy. I inquired as to how long he would be there and, even though all case are different, I was told "one to two weeks."  

34 private rooms like this

I cannot visit Bill at the rehabilitation hospital because of COVID but he is closer, only about forty miles up Route One from our home here in southern Delaware. God bless that case worker who placed Bill at this rehabilitation hospital. There were five choices, of which I couldn't choose but some of them were in Maryland and New Jersey. 

Rehab center (I've been in these, twice!)

I wasn't able to talk to Bill today yet but I hope I can before the day is over.

Today is a new beginning in more ways than one, Joseph R. Biden was just sworn in at the 46th president of the United States. Bill has survived and is on his journey to regain his strength so he can come home here and we can be together again.