These days, after the passing of Bill I've been very reflective of our past years together.
This video that I'm posting today is a video copy of an 8mm film compilation that Bill and I made of our previous home in Downingtown, Pennsylvania. We had our home built on 6.875 acres of wooded land in 1980. This home was to be our dream home. We planned to spend the rest of our lives in this home but that dream was cut short by the ever increasing Pennsylvania school taxes we could no longer afford to pay.
In this video you will see me refer to getting ready to spend two weeks in Rehoboth Beach Delaware. At that time I was scheduled to house and cat sit for two women who were going to spend a few months in the winter in Florida golfing.
I don't remember seeing this video before. I just watched it which brought back a lot of fond memories of the wonderful house that we had in Pennsylvania. I will harbor a resentment against Pennsylvania for taxing us out of our wonderful Pennsylvania home the rest of my life. So many of my Delaware neighbors moved here from several high tax Eastern states like Pennsylvania, New Jersey (even worse than Pennsylvania), and New York.
Watching this video reminds me of how much I miss my longtime friend Bob McCamley (we met when we were in Army together in 1960). Bob died in 2013 of Parkinson's Disease.
It's interesting seeing both me and Bill when we were much healthier. I could walk like a normal person. Look at me going up the stairs. I could actually do it on my own. Now I struggle. Even walking on even surfaces I struggle. I like the exchanges between me and Bill, the little digs at me when he says "junk". I do tend to accumulate.
Watching this video I am also reminded of my ponds. Oh how I miss those ponds. They were self filtering and crystal clear. I have a pond here but I don't have an electrical pond filter here. My ponds here aren't so clear but the goldfish who inhabit them are happy and reproducing. I refresh the pond water here with a hose from my well. Interesting I always used to say "we" when referring to anything around this house but since Bill is no longer with me, I have to get used to saying "my", which always causes me sadness.
This video is long. You're not required to watch it of course. But I do want to post all my videos that I had made from our many 8mm films. I have them all in my You Tube account now under "Private" but since I don't plan to be around much longer in this world, I figure I better make them "Public" so there is a history for anyone who is interested in my time on this planet.
I'm cleaning up things folks for my eventual Final Exit. Maybe some distant relative in the future will be interested. I hop so . If not, well I tried. One thing I do know now is than none of my relatives now are interested. Not even one of my twenty-four nieces and nephews. Which is sad but it is what it is.
This video was taken on July 5, 2013 two days after we were officially married on our forty-ninth anniversary. Bill was sitting out under our three birch trees enjoying the summer breeze. I'm glad I've taken so many pictures and videos over the years because now as I grieve for Bill, I can relive my wonderful memories of him and his humor.
Some may say "Isn't it time to get over your grieving for Bill?" Well, I've thought the same thing myself but have decide I'm not ready yet. I'm not quite ready yet to stop thinking and grieving for Bill.
Bill was my pillar and he's gone now. I stand alone. I no longer have that unconditional love of a person with whom I lived with my entire adult life. At times I feel like a rudderless boat drifting about in the sea. But little by little I am adapting to my new life without Bill. I realize now how much Bill suffered the past few years just to stay alive and be with me. Bill had incredible strength. Right up to the end he sacrificed so much for me.
I've been so lucky for most of my life. Never before have I had to endure such a loss. Yes, I've lost friends, family and co-workers but nothing even comes close to the sense of loss I have now that Bill is gone. Thank God I have Pat and my friends Glenn and Don. I talk to all of them quite frequently on FaceTime. last month I visited Pat. In June Glenn will visit me here at Casa Tipton-Kelly. Glenn had lost his longtime partner Michael three years ago. He's still grieving so I don't feel so bad that I'm still grieving for Bill. "It's okay Ron. Grieve as long as you want to."
I'm doing fine folks, adjusting to my new life without Bill. I felt his spirit again a few times since my last blog post about seeing him. I feel his spirit with me, comforting me. That's Bill, still caring for me.
He appeared at my bedroom door. He was with four or five other people who I didn't recognize. I suspect two of the people were his Mother and father.
As I was getting up for my nighttime bathroom visit (about 2 AM) I saw the apparition of Bill and those folks he was with. My first thought was that I should be afraid but I wasn't. After all these were ghosts wren't they? But instead of being afraid I was comforted. Ironically right now the song playing right now as I type this blog entry is saying "Wherever you go I will be right here waiting for you." And I believe that. I do believe Bill has tried to contact me from wherever he is in the great spirit world beyond our physical world presence here on earth.
Bill's appearance was before he got sick three years ago. Interesting thing was that I could see my closed bedroom door right through his apparition. He and his companions came right through my bedroom door. I felt the reason he came to see me was to reassure me that he is in a good place now. He is with his mom and dad. A dad he never knew. Bill's father died in an auto accident when Bill was only a year old.
Bill was happy. I felt that he brought his mom and dad to introduce them to me. They were all smiling. They were shorter than Bill.
Now of course maybe this apparition was all in my head. What I do know though is that when I saw them standing at my bedroom door I feeling of love and warmth swept over me. I was comforted. That whole episode lasted on a few seconds but I feel it was real.
Since Bill died I have felt his presence at Casa Tipton-Kelly several times. Especially the week immediately after he died. I felt his presence in the living room right off this small bedroom that I use as my home office. At that time I felt as if Bill was trying to convey to me that he was in a goo place and that we would be together again eventually in eternity.
Spring is busting out all around here at Casa Tipton-Kelly-Kelly now. I feel sad every time I am out in our backyard and I don't see Bill sitting on our back deck absorbing the warmth of the sun's rays. Bill did so like sitting on our back deck while I mowed the grass.
Yesterday someone left a comment on one of my blog postings that I hadn't posted much about my recent trip to Canada with Pat to visit him at his new home. I am going to correct that oversight now. Here is a taste of my five day stay in Pat's hometown of Hamilton, Ontario, Canada.
The video above is us driving through upper New York State among all the wind turbines, which I didn't know existed in such abundance in New York. The last time I saw this many wind turbines was when Pat and I entered Palm Springs, California. I hadn't expected to see that many wind turbines in upper New York State near the Canadian border.
First let me say I am so glad I decided to take this road trip back with Pat to his new home on Hess Street in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. Pat though I would be worn out from the nine hour drive but actually it was quite a pleasant drive. Probably because we had such a comfortable vehicle, a Ford Edge SUV.
We didn't actually take a nine hour drive. Instead of leaving directly from my home here in Southern Delaware, we left a day earlier to visit our friend Don McK. in Philadelphia, thus cutting off two hours of our trip to Canada. We always haves a good trip to Philly and visiting our friend Don, even if we were only there overnight. Usually we stay for a week.
On Friday, March 22nd, we took off for Canada. The weather was nice driving out of Philly but the traffic very congested. Pat decided to take the scenic route, meaning no toll roads. We wanted to see the back country of Pennsylvania and New York. And that we did, only stopping once at a Burger King to feed our faces.
Once we got to upper New York State we encountered snow and the wind turbines. I like seeing wind turbines on the landscape. This time with snow and not palm trees like we do when we drive into Palm Springs.
Here we are entering Canada during the snowstorm. Pat said this was first significant snow Canada had this winter. Lucky us! There was an accident further down the road on the QE2, which held up traffic for over an hour.
We finally got to Pat's small home on Hess Street in Hamilton, Ontario.
Pat's home is the unit on the left with the yellow door. The one in the middle is occupied by the noisy squatters. Probably selling drugs because there is often a steady flow of people in and out of that unit. The house on the right side is occupied by a normal person.
I had never been to Pat's home before and was curious. His home (the yellow door on the left) is attached to two other homes. Unfortunately for Pat the home in the middle is occupied by squatters which often keep him up at night with their loud arguments and hammering on their shared wall. Pat says they sleep during the day. I think they're vampires. Pat's home is adorable but not big. I like space. The first night there his next door neighbors were particularly noisy. I got very little sleep.
Fortunately a new Hampton Inn
was built just up the street from Pat. I decided to book a room there with a king sized bed and spend the rest of my visit with Pat sleeping in luxury at night. No more drug addled screaming and hollering and banging on the wall right next to where I was sleeping at Pat's house. I got a got rate at the Hampton Inn because I'm a Hilton Honors member (and former employee if that counts for anything).
Pat and me with the Hampton Inn behind us, just up the street from Pat's house
I talked Pat into staying with me at the Hampton Inn. He asked me "Why did you get a king sized bed?" Pat, ever the minimalist. I told him "When you reserve a room at a hotel you always get a king sized bed." I'm a fitful sleeper and Pat knows very well I've tried to push him out of bed during some of our previous Air B & B stays. Bill had the same problem with me. I don't remember doing this because I'm asleep but it's probably from my youth when I had to share a bed with my two younger brothers until I was fifteen years old.
Me getting ready for bed, one of my brothers (Isaac) is already in bed. My other brother (John) took this picture as a joke because I'm in my underwear. A moment of big embarrassment in the Fifties to be caught in your underwear for a teenager. I hated that bed and sleeping with my brothers. Three in one bed, almost like the Walton family. Photo was taken about 1954.
Yes, fifteen years old, believe it. I told my Mother I wanted my own bed and even better my own bedroom. She got me a cot the next Christmas which I put in the corner of my shared bedroom with my brothers. But I digress. The king sized bed worked just fine, a fact that Pat can attest to now because I didn't try to push him out of bed once. I think I now have Pat convinced to book a room with a king sized bed when staying at a hotel.
Me and Pat relaxing in our lovely room at the Hamilton, Hampton Inn which was just up the street (a block and a half) from Pat's home
Sometimes one can take this minimalist thing too far. But knowing Pat he would be just as happy sleeping in the back of a pickup truck.
During our five day stay in Hamilton we visited several excellent vegan food restaurants. At night we watched all three of the Denzel Washington "Equalizer" movies. One day we visited Pat's friends in Port Dover and had lunch with them.
Lunch in Port Dover with Pat's friends Deb and Paul
I wasn't much of a vegan until I met Pat. But I have to say since I met Pat I've enjoyed many a vegan meals at some really good vegan restaurants. There was one in Hamilton called "Happy Holligan's" that I really enjoyed. I always ask what the soup of the day is. This day they told me it was "Dill Pickle Soup." What? Now that was a new one. Always the one up for a new taste adventure (except anything connected with seafood), I ordered the dill pickle soup. Guess what? It was delicious!
Dill pickle soup at Happy Hooligan's Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
Me at Happy Hooligan's before the dill pickle soup
When Pat and I go on holiday together, perhaps to others what we do may not seem interesting or exciting but to us, we always have a good time. Just being together with this wonderful man, wherever we go, is a major treat for me. For my whole adult life, until I met Pat, I traveled alone. Some years ago I decided not to travel alone any more, just not the same as traveling with a friend or friends. Oh I've traveled with a friend and friends but those "friends" were more interested in looking for sexual encounters than they were with being with me. Interesting fact, they're all dead now. Coincidence? For me, all the years I visited Provincetown, I enjoyed getting away to a nice location where I was free to be myself. But even though Provincetown was gay friendly, I was never truly happy there being by myself and even worse when I went and/or took friend with me. They disappeared shortly after we landed at the airport, only to show up at the day of departure. Pat is interested in being with me. How novel. But I digress again. I am so fortunate at this time of my life to have a friend like Pat who I can travel with and we enjoy each other's company. Can you imagine one of my other friends of the past enjoying a grocery shopping trip like the one below?
It's almost comical isn't it? No wonder they ditched me as soon as we landed. Dull Ron.
Some other exciting things we did was shop at Home Depot. Every time I talk to Pat on FaceTime I see that hanging plant pot behind him with a dead plant. I was determined to get a nice philodendron to put in that pot. I did have to almost force Pat to go to Home Depot but I got the plants.
Me shopping at Home Depot for Pat's hanging plants
Another one an ivy plant for his other hanging plant, this one I couldn't see on my FaceTime calls with Pat. I am a Plant Guy. However, I have calmed down since my peak in the Eighties. I had my workplace at the bank a regular forest of hanging plants. Talk about excess.
Of course I could never visit Canada without a visit to Toronto, the Glass Canyon City. Pat used to live in Toronto. He moved several years ago to Hamilton because he said Toronto, with all those glass encased skyscrapers was becoming a city without character. Depersonalized. I like Toronto but I understand what Pat means. He loves Hamilton. I like Hamilton too. I think the comparison is like New York City and Philadelphia. New York is cool but Philadelphia is really cool. Philadelphia is livable. New York, for both of us, is too depersonalized.
Then, too soon as always, it was time to depart Canada. I'm always sad when I have to leave Pat but especially now since I'm coming home here to an empty house. I always had Bill waiting for me before, not that he's gone it is especially sad for me.
Pat took this short video of me going through the TSA Pre Check line at the Buffalo Airport.
You can catch a glimpse of me right at the end with the hat and my black jacket.
Before I forget, I did something this trip I always meant to do but never did. I traveled light and I mean light. I didn't have a change of shirts or pants. Only two sets of underwear and socks and my medications and my chargers for my Apple Watch and iPhone. I managed! I will do this on future trips.
The flight back was on time but there was a hitch. Isn't there always? When we arrived at Philadelphia International Airport we couldn't deplane because the JetWay didn't work. The Jet Way is that connector to the airplane at the airport that we passengers get into the building. That was a forty-five minute delay. Other than that delay, I had a wonderful trip. This trip was perfect because it got my mind off of the loss of Bill. Always when I returned from holidays like this I would share my experiences with Bill. Now there was no one here at Casa Tipton-Kelly to share my memories of my trip to Canada with Pat. Except all of you of course, my faithful blog readers.
Today I stopped at the local Cheers Senior Center and asked them if they could use some of the several cases of Ensure that the VA supplied Bill. They were glad to accept the Ensure. They said they would give it to the local adult day care center.
Little by little I'm adjusting to live without Bill. At times it's rough. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. But then on days like today, when I keep myself busy I can feel those positive moments like donating cases of Ensure for use of other seniors who have trouble swallowing. Which reminds me, at the end Bill couldn't even swallow, his esophagus was so damaged.
One of the hardest things for me to do still every day is when I get in my (our) car and run errands. For the past five years or more, even since Bill lost his vision, I always took Bill with me wherever I went. I always had his company in the passenger seat. I admit there were times when I would wonder what it was like to just get in our car and just go somewhere by myself. Of course this falls under "be careful what you wish for." Taking a ride around the local roads here in southern coastal Delaware was one of Bill's favorite activities. Those rare days when we didn't go anywhere in our care (usually because of the weather), Bill always missed "his ride." He didn't complain but the next day when we would go for our ride I would tease Bill with "We didn't go anywhere yesterday did we?" Bill would always say "I know, I know." Often I didn't have any errands to run so I would just take our daily ride down to the end of Oyster Rocks Road, which dead ends at the Broadkill River, and just park there. Bill treasured those times because he often said "This is the only time I can talk to you." When we were here in the house I rarely sat down with Bill but I was always with him except when I took my daily afternoon nap. Either I was in the kitchen making a fresh batch of hamburger cabbage soup or in my home office on my computer. I miss talking to Bill.
I may have mentioned this before but I have decided to keep Bill's room basically as it was before he died. I'm gradually getting rid of a lot of his electrical equipment and tools that I can't and never will use. I was going to clear out his room including his furniture but then questioned "Why?" Indeed "Why?" When I walk into his downstair bedroom and see his freshly ironed shirts hanging on the coat rack (he room doesn't have a closet), I get a warm feeling in my chest. As far as I'm concerned, that room will disappear when I disappear from this premise. When I'm gone, hopefully reunited with Bill's spirit, it won't matter.
Pat's visit to me here in Delaware and my road trip back to Pat's home in Canada was a nice diversion. This week taking care of my neighbor's dog and cat is also another nice diversion. But I always return to this home of my dreams without Bill, I am so lonely. No one can ever replace Bill. This is something I realize even more now that I had ever imagined when he was alive.
One thing I realize even more now is how much Bill suffered the last three years of his life. Because of his macular degeneration he was legally blind. He couldn't see anything out of the center of his eye. He couldn't look me in my eyes nor could I look him in his eyes. They say the eyes are the window to the soul. All he saw was my shadow. Even so, he still wanted to be with me and I with him. Bill gave so much. He always did for me. All he ever wanted out of life was to be with me. And now I realize that's what I wanted out of life. Oh sure, he had some habits that I didn't like. That all seems so insignificant now.
I wonder how long I will feel like this. I used my friend Glenn M. as a measure. He lost his longtime partner over three years ago. He still misses "his Michael" but he is happy in his new life. Glenn gives me hope. I think of all those millions of people who have lost loved ones they have been together a long time. They're all managing. My sister-in-law, still missed my brother but she's managing her new life. Same with my cousins who lost their husband, father and brother this past year. And I too will manage.
It's been over a month since Bill died (February 24th). I'm still missing him.
I knew I would miss him but never imagined I would miss him this much.
Sometimes I feel guilty that I miss him this much. After all, I had him for fifty-nine glorious years. Much longer than many couples, especially same sex couples.
My heart is broken.
When Bill first died, even though I was expecting it, I was in a state of shock. That shock is wearing off now and the reality of me living the rest of my life without this loving man is very hard for me to conceptualize.
I feel like a rudderless ship adrift at sea.
Yes, I have Pat and I love him also. But it is a different kind of love. With Bill, he was literally my whole life and I his. Going on with my life without him sometimes seems so pointless.
I thought I would feel relieved after caring for him for three years that I no longer would have to care for two human beings. That I would only have to care for myself. But you know what folks? I miss caring for Bill. Over the past three years I had gotten so used to our routine of getting him up every morning, dressing his wounds, giving him a shower every three days, choosing out a "pretty shirt" for him to wear for the day even though he couldn't see the shirt. Giving him his medications and preparing his food and taking him for his daily rides. Oh how I miss taking him for his daily rides. That empty passenger seat next to me just about kills me every time I take my ("our") car out to run my daily errands.
I try to console myself with the fact that the quality of Bill's life for the last three years of his life was very poor. He couldn't see to do his projects, couldn't swallow whole food, was very weak. He often said "The only reason I'm staying alive is for you." I often responded to this comment with "I can take care of myself Bill, you leave when you want to." I wanted him to feel comfortable in leaving me. He struggled so much to stay alive just a little bit longer. He did suffer horribly at the end but now he is at peace. Whether there is an after life or not, at least he is not suffering like he did for the months and years at the end of his life. One thing I am forever grateful for is that I didn't die before he did. I was in fear of that happening, God knows I have enough health problems of my own. I wouldn't be surprised if I die of a heart attack one day or in my sleep from my sleep apnea. But one thing I know now is that I really don't fear death because I know then that this pain of mine will finally come to an end.
I remember a long time ago I saw an image of a spaceman taking a space walk and his tethered cord became undone and his space suited body drifted out into outer space, becoming smaller and smaller until eventually you could not see his space suited image at all. That's the way I feel about Bill now. His image is drifting into outpace. I still see him but eventually I won't. All I will have is my memories of our blessed gloriously happy life together.
