Are You Saved?

 A few days ago I received an envelope in my snail mail (remember "snail mail?") from my longtime friend and former school classmate.

We've known each other since first grade (that's 1947 for you young folk).  In high school we were marching bandmates. He the bass drum and me the sousaphone (not tuba, that's a different instrument).

Me with my Sousaphone instrument after a football game 1958 at a home game at my high school in Downingtown, PA

Even though we were classmates from the first grade through the ninth grade, we didn't become close friends until tenth grade when we were both marching band members. We would take turns saving a seat for each other on the band bus because we were always the last on the bus. Band members loaded their instruments in the bottom compartments on the band bus.

That's me on the left with my fellow Sousaphone players Dominic, Dick and Allen. Some of the bet times of my life folks!

Since our instruments were the largest, we always loaded our instruments last. Those  three years of marching band and the away games are some of my fondest memories of high school, especially since our high school was a winning team.

A picture I took on Thanksgiving Day 1958 of our home game with our biggest rival Coatesville. I splurged and got a roll of color film, which was quite expensive in that day. I just wish I had someone take a picture of me but I was so shy that I wouldn't ask anyone. At least I have a roll of these pictures. During the football games we band members would be on the sidelines. So much fun! Great memories especially when your team wins! Memories I will never forget!

After high school we continued our friendship. He went to college, I went into the Army. We corresponded and when I came home on leave we sometimes got together. One year I even brought an Army buddy with me and we spent a weekend at his family's cottage on the Chesapeak Bay.

However, over the years we eventually drifted apart. Then we came together at our 35th class reunion. By this time he was married with two children. We became close friends again. And from that time on our friendship has continued. 

I liked him for many reasons and in fact during our high school friendship I had the hots for him. Of course I never told him that. This was the Terrible Fifties, remember that. Class of 1959, we were the last class of the Fifties. Very repressive times. I, as a gay man, way illegal. However, at the reunion, I was no longer attracted. Maybe it was because he was fat and bald now or maybe my taste changed because my horizons broadened. But this is another avenue which I'm not going down now. What I did continue to like about him was his dry wit and sardonic sense of humor. We just clicked. Except for one thing, he's an evangelical.  Yes, one of those who feel their mission is to save my soul.

As regular followers of my blog know, I was brought up in the Baptist Church. I went to Sunday school. I even have a certificate (which I still have) for perfect attendance when I was eight years old. I enjoyed church. But then came a time where I fell away from the Christian church. One of my favorite aunts took me with her to her church which was a Pentecostal church. I'm a naturally curious person so when the church pastor (preacher?) came time to deliver his sermon I was all ears. I noticed right away he wasn't smiling. He looked angry. Then he began his sermon, if  you can call it that. By the time he was done he was literally foaming at his mouth (white foam around his lips), red faced and sweat beads on his forehead. The only thing I distinctly remember about his sermon was him saying "You're all sinners! You'll be a sinner all your life! You're die a sinner!" This then ten years old was in shock. I was stunned. Heretofore the church I went to was gentle and loving. I was taught all the Christian principals of "love thy enemy", "turn the other cheek", "help the poor", and all the other Christian principals that today's Trump loving evangelical "Christians" don't practice. The main takeaway I got was no hope for me. I knew I was different (gay) by the time I was ten years old. After hearing that hateful sermon I thought "What's the use?" This hateful, insecure God who needs constant praise (going to church to praise God), and who is ready to smite anyone who dares not praise him and "accept" his son (Jesus) as their savior is a sinner. I was born a sinner? Give me a break! I had nothing to do with it.  From that moment on I fell away from the church. I stopped going to Sunday school. I was a sinner so what was the point? 

Since then I've been to different churches, usually with friends. I've even been in a Catholic Church, Pat is Catholic and goes to church almost every Sunday. In fact Pat spent seven years in a seminary. My very good friend Don has for years taken care of his church in center city Philadelphia. My late brother John as a Bob Jones trained evangelical pastor in Greenville South Carolina. Even though I continued to feel the sense of comfort in those buildings with the lemon wood polish smell of the wooden pews, I knew I would never join that cult. I've even been to a Quaker service (for a deceased classmate of mine). My maternal ancestors were Pennsylvania Quakers. Ironically I felt most comfortable in the Quaker meeting house, stark as it was in ambiance (no polished wooden pews and stained glass windows). At a Quaker service no one is screaming at you "You're a sinner!!!!!" But I always knew in my heart that organized or "man-made religion was not for me. Especially as a gay man where I'm even considered the lowest of the low.  

So what am I getting at here with this blog post? My longtime friend, my "Christian" friend, in his arrogance and hubris sends to me again (he's done it before) a booklet stating it's not too late to save my soul. He lied and said "Bill accepted Jesus Christ as his savior". That was a lie I know it because Bill and I often talked about how we both fell away from organized "man made" religion. This man made religion left both of us down. We both early on realized organized religion wasn't for us. I know that organized religion provides comfort for many and that's fine. I don't scream at them "You're wrong!" If that's what gives them comfort, wonderful. Go for it. But keep your religion to yourself. Don't try and "save" me. Mind your own business.

At one time I tried to discuss the inconsistencies of the evangelical argument. I asked my friend "What happens to the little old lady who lives alone in her house and has done good all her life? Does she go to Heaven when she dies?" My friend said "No, not unless she accepts Jesus Christ as her Savior." Uh, okay. Then I asked about the serial killer Ted Bundy who "accepted" Jesus Christ while he was laying on his prison gurner shortly before he was executed for his horrendous crimes. My friend said "Yes, as long as he accept Jesus Christ as his Savior." You know what I say to that? This is bullshit! I also asked him about the billion or more people in the world who practice different religions, "Would they be accepted in the Kingdom of Heaven?" He again said "No, not unless they accept Jesus Christ as their Savior". Yeah, right. This is a guy who voted for Trump....twice. Bullshit.

I have a pretty good idea of what will happen when I die. My soul, that energy force that has been dwelling in this body of mine for the past eighty-three years, will leave my human form and be one with the cosmos. I look up at the sky at night and I see all those stars. That's where I'll be, reunited with Bill. In fact Bill came by again last night to let me know he's still with me by way of that burned out Christmas light I've talked about before in previous blog posts. Yesterday, after I accidentally came across a video of Bill right after he retuned home from the rehab unit and I spent the next three years caring for him, I was in pretty bad shape feeling sorry for myself. I miss Bill so much that sometimes I don't want to go on alone. Pat provides comfort but Bill and I had a special relationship. Bill needed me and I needed Bill. Pat is fine by himself. He can take care of himself. Bill and I needed each other. 

When I die, I will be reunited with Bill's soul. This I know and no pamphlet sent through the mail by a friend is going to change my mind. I know my friend thinks he is doing good by trying to "save" me but what he is really doing is what that long ago Pentecostal preacher did to me. He's yelling at me "You're a sinner and you're going to hell unless you spend the rest of your life praising this insecure God of mine or else he will damn you to Hell for eternity!"

What's the deal with his God anyway who needs all this praise all the time? Know where that comes from, feudal medieval England. The "lords" maintain control over the peasants by promise of a heavenly afterlife as long as they praised them thus the use of the world "The Lord" all the time in evangelical religion. See the parallel with Trump and his brain dead followers? Trump is "the Lord", chosen by God to "save" us. The Orange Jesus. 

Man made religion is all a con job in my opinion. If that's  your thing but don't put your crap on me. 

Again, the arrogance and hubris, that's the problem with man made religion. And that goes for all the man-made religions including Islam. But you see how magnanimous I am? If your religious practices give you comfort, go for it. But leave me alone.

I'm a spiritualist. That's my belief. Don't pray for me. Pray for yourself. 

Thoughts on This Easter Sunday 2015

Happy Easter folks, for those of you who celebrate this most Christian of holidays.

I used to be a Christian (raised as Southern Baptist) but these days I guess you could call me a secularist or a spiritualist.  I'm definitely not a Southern Baptist with their discriminatory views of born homosexuals like me.  

Funny thing, when I was young I used to like going to church.  I even have a perfect attendance certificate for summer bible school when I was eight years old. I always felt a sense of comfort and inclusion when I went to church.  That feeling of inclusion ended when my Aunt Peg (whom I liked very much) took me to one of her Pentecostal church meetings. I will never forget that Sunday.  I was about ten years old.  I remember the preacher, red in the face and actually foaming at the mouth; screaming:

YOU'RE ALL SINNERS!

YOU WERE BORN IN SIN!

YOU WILL DIE IN SIN!

Oh yes, I was in shock.  The first thought that came to my ten year old mind was "I didn't choose to be born so what am I guilty of?" 

Pentecostal preaching - screaming and red in the face and foam around the mouth

And if I'm going to be a sinner my whole life and die in sin then what is the purpose of my life?

That was the turning point in my life with organized religion folks.  Not that there aren't good people who are in organized religion.  I remember Rev. Pennington of a church me and my Mom used to attend in Valley Forge, Pennsylvania.  He was a nice and gentle man with a sweet wife.  He always had a pleasant and non threatening sermon that helped me learn about dealing with life. And after the sermon he would stand by the door of the church, which his wife beside him (she always wore a crystal necklace that my Mother admired) and sincerely greet and listen (actually listen) to each parishioner as they left. Sad to say, he retired and I haven't experienced a reverend since who was as sincere, caring or uplifting as Reverend Pennington. 

The Pagans want their holidays back!

These days what I see of organized Christianity is on the news of evangelical Christians who condemn be as "less than" because I am a gay man.  They say "You are against God's will."  They judge me as unworthy until or unless I change into what they are, straight and subservient to their mythical God who is so quick to anger. 

So when these Christian holidays like Easter roll around what I see is a thin veneer of copying ancient pagan holidays.  Easter to me is a time or rebirth. Springtime the green returns to replace the gray monochrome of winter. All this "Jesus died for your sins" mantra, it never did make sense to me.  

To me Christianity and that other major religion, Muslim is based on fear.  "You do this or else God is going to be mad and punish you." Those threats may have worked in the medieval times and even these days in the Muslim world of the Middle East to keep the Great Unwashed in check while their rulers continue to control their lives with promises of a better afterlife. Just doesn't make sense. To me, if this religion thing is true, then Jesus (or whoever) will welcome me into Heaven because I am a good person, which I am. I know it even if the so-called "good Christians" do not.  

Oh sure, I know many find comfort in religion.  That's all fine and well if you're straight and fit in with your own tribe.  And tribal fidelity is, after all, what religion is all about anyway isn't it folks?

I know what I believe in, good people.  I don't ask what their religion is or even if they practice it.  I don't condemn or judge those who practice religion or who do not practice religion. I judge people by how they treat other people. Not how organized religion tells them they should behave or how I should behave.

Well, I'm starting to ramble on.  This is what I am fairly certain of.  For many of those who pound their chests about how they are so much better than the rest of us because they BELIEVE . . . . all you have to do is look at someone like Ted Cruz and think "He's going to Heaven?"  

The Texas senator by way of Canada - the antithesis of a Christian - judgmental, condemning, non-inclusive and dishonest - a truly evil man

Just take a look at some of these religious folks and think "Do they practice true Christianity?" You know, the one that has the Golden Rule:

So folks, whatever your beliefs this Easter Sunday (and I make no judgements here folks, if you're a regular church goer I do not condemn, I'm happy that you're happy that you find comfort in your faith), my best wishes to you. And don't forget, many stores have half off Easter candy tomorrow.

Religion

Here is the first of my many future posts on religion. Yes, I have decided to take on the BIG SUBJECT, religion.



I was raised as a Baptist. As a child I enjoyed going to Sunday school. I even have a certificate for perfect attendance at a Summer Sunday School in Downingtown, Pennsylvania, which you know is pretty darn good for a 10 year old kid out of school.



Where I went off the rails with religion was when my Aunt Margaret took me to church with her one Sunday at her church in West Chester, Pennsylvania. The church was a Pentecostal Church. I believe I was about 12 years old at the time.



My one searing memory of the sermon that day was that the pastor who delivered the sermon scared me to death. He was a red haired, pale faced man but when he delivered his sermon his face was red and it seemed like foam was coming from his mouth. The only part of the sermon that I remembered was him screaming "You are a sinner! You were born in sin! You will die in sin! You must accept Jesus Christ as your savior or else you will burn eternally in the fires of Hell!"



As I left church that sunny, brisk day in leafy West Chester, I was shaken. At ten years old I already knew I was "different." I was aware of my homosexuality but I didn't know the name for it other than "fairy" for the ten letter word beginning with "c" and ending in "r." I knew that wasn't me so I didn't know what I was. Remember, this was in the early Fifties (1951 to be exact.)



From that day to this day I have never looked at organized religion the same way again. Oh yes, I have gone to different churches over the past fifty years. But I have never regained the comfort I had when attending Sunday school.



I could never express adequately in words what turned me away from the organized church other than this pastor who obviously relished the fact he was scaring the be Jesus out of his congregation by passing judgment on them over something they had no control (being born.) It wasn't until a recent e-mail exchange with a fellow blogger who is an atheist that I realized what the problem was. The church I went to that Sunday wasn't about peace and love. That church was about obedience. You obey and you get to Heaven because you're born with a major strike against you. You are a sinner. No matter what kind of life you lead, no matter how exemplary your conduct, unless you ACCEPT Jesus Christ as your Savior, you're not getting into Heaven.



Over the past fifty some years I've read a lot about different religions. I've tried some of them on for size. None fit exactly. None gave me the comfort level that they obviously give their many millions of devoted followers. Oh sure, I could tell my friends that I accept Jesus as my savior to please them but in my heart I just didn't feel it. And that is what it is all about any isn't it? You have to feel it in your heart.



It is my belief that this obedience aspect of organized religion comes from our European medieval heritage. Back in the Dark Ages the way the nobility (not us) kept the serfs (us) in line was to promise them a golden after life. They made this promise in lieu of the horrible circumstances serfs lived in; poverty, filth, disease and lack of freedom. The promise was "Sacrifice now for the prosperous after life in Heaven." Does this sound familiar? It should. That's what the terrorist suicide bombers are promised if they sacrifice their life by killing the Infidel.



How did I arrive at this belief? For one thing there is a lot of emphasis in all religions, especially the Christian religion about "praising God." Also, have you noticed God is always referred to as "The Lord?" How did the peasants and serfs refer to their nobles in medieval times? They bowed and said "Yes, my Lord." They also did a lot of praising. This is not a coincidence. It is a fundamental part of the culture of the Christian religion.



So you sacrifice today for a better after life. You do a lot of praying but make sure you give sufficient praise and under no circumstance DO NOT MOCK GOD. To many fundamentalist religious persons, any criticism of The Word or their belief is MOCKING GOD. “Do not mock God!” One half expects Charleton Heston to appear as Moses issuing thunderbolts from his fingertips to zap anyone to dares to question the existence of God.

This is just the first of many future postings I will have on this subject. My stating my religious belief, or lack thereof, I am not demeaning or criticizing those who do find comfort in an organized religion. I do understand that religious rituals offer comfort to many in this threatening and dangerous world. The way I feel about it is that if you find comfort in religion, then I am happy for you. I am happy the same way I would be if you found comfort in sailing a boat or spending time with your family. But when one takes their religion and tries to shove it down my throat because they want to "save" me, that am when I rebel.



It has never been satisfactorily explained to me how Jesus died for me. That he died to wash me of my sins. Sins that I was born with. Again, I remember back to that sermon on that spring day in April in West Chester, Pennsylvania. The thought that ran through my head was, "I didn't ask to be born and here I was born and I don't have a chance because I'm a sinner." The only way I could not be a sinner to take this nebulous step of "accepting" Jesus Christ as my savior.



What does "accepting" actually mean? Does it mean going through this charade even though my heart didn't feel it just to please my friends, relatives, and neighbors. Does it mean living a lie?



All my life I have been pushed, encouraged and then demanded to live a lie just because I happened to be born a homosexual. "Do this or something bad will happen to you." It just didn't make sense to me.



For many years I struggled with this dilemma, pleasing my friends, relatives and neighbors or be true to myself. Perhaps the turning point came about ten years ago when I was having an in depth discussion with a long time friend of mine who I like and respect in spite of his hard core conservative Republican and religious views.



He told me I would never get to Heaven unless I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. I asked him, "Do you mean if I led an explemary life, harmed no one and then died I would not go to Heaven." He said (as best I can remember it) "Ron, Ted Bundy will go to Heaven before you will. He will go because he accepted Jesus Christ on his death bed (Mr. Bundy, a serial killer was about to be executed)



I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Ted Bundy, a notorious serial killer, would go to Heaven in spite of all the evil he did during his time on earth, but I, a quiet, unassuming, honest, good hearted, woefully naive, guy would not go to Heaven no matter what I did. Plus, I had another BIG strike against me because I would not renounce the sinfulness of my homosexuality. The way I figure it, I was born the way I was for a reason and that reason wasn't some big test of wills.



I think that day was the day I stopped believing and saw through the hypocrisy of organized, or "man-made" religion (as I call it.)



I will continue to lead my life the best way I can. Of course I know I'm not perfect but I'm not an evil person either. I do like to engage in gossip every once in a while and sometimes I experience schadenfreude. But other than that I'm a pretty uncomplicated person who wishes the best for my friends, neighbors, relatives and humanity. If I believe anything it is the belief that those among us who are truly evil will receive their comeuppance either in this life or the afterlife. Maybe there is such a thing as reincarnation and they will come back as a cockroach or some other despised life form. That makes more sense to me than all the contradictory religious teachings and proselytzing of Christians.



One thing that makes perfect sense to me is that if there is a Heaven and I get there some day I know I won't see that preacher who shouted at me all those years ago.