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| Young Homo 1947 - when I first knew I was "different". |
How's that title to grab your attention?
Actually this post isn't about me but a new blog by my blogger friend Tony Davis of Los Angeles, California.
I followed Tony's blog "Leaving California" many years ago until he abandoned that blog.
I've met Tony twice in person during visits Pat and I made to Los Angeles. As Spo says "He is well over four feet tall" and a very pleasant guy.
I've often thought of starting another blog with my own reflections of an old homo, which is what I am now folks. I probably will never start that new blog because I barely have enough time to keep up with this blog. And besides, I've already done a lot of old homo reflections. And believe me this old homo has a lot of reflections that I haven't even posted yet.
These days I am smart enough to realize whatever I post on my blog that I have to be very aware of respecting the privacy of others who are and were involved in my "old homo reflections." At one time I thought if those guys died, I could post about them but maybe not. I have to be aware of their family's right to privacy.
One of my earliest "reflections of an old homo" was the first time I was seduced by a man. He was married at that time. He had three children under five years of age. He had two previous children by an affair with an Eskimo during his Coast Guard stone in Alaska. I mentioned his full name in my blog post. His grown daughter saw my post through a random search of her father's name. She brought me up to date on his life since I broke off with him in 1964. By the way, after a brief affair I did break up with him, even though I liked him a lot, because I didn't want to be his "mistress." I was young and wanted to meet my Forever Husband.
His daughter told me "We always wondered if dad was gay." I told her "He was when he was with me. He was the first man I ever had sex with." And he had to seduce me to have sex with him because I was sure nice guys didn't DO THAT but just kissed and cuddled. I knew other gay guys did a LOT more than kiss and cuddle but I thought only degenerates did more. Little did I know. You have to remember I grew up in the late Forties and Fifties in a small town in Pennsylvania. There was no Internet nor information about being gay. The only thing I knew was that I was QUEER (because I knew I liked guys) and that was a BAD thing. I never felt ashamed that I was gay or queer, it just was what I was like I had dark brown hair and I was tall and shy. I never made a "choice" to be gay. I always knew I was "different" since I was four years old. I know it's hard for many straight people to understand this, "how can a four year old kid know he was gay?" You have to understand straight people, it wasn't necessarily a sexual thing at that age but there was definitely an awareness that I knew I was enjoying those "horsey" rides when Earl, the thirteen year old friend of my Uncle Bruce (also thirteen) would come by and play with me and my little friends, both boys and girls. We would jump on Earl's back and he would play Bucking Bronco and playfully try to knock us off of his back. Again, nothing sexual but I knew I was enjoying hoping on Earl's back a bit more than my playmates. It is hard to explain WHY I was enjoying riding Earl's back more but I knew that I was.
Ironically many years later, when I attended my Uncle Bruce's funeral, I saw his friend Earl. I saw this man who I recognized but I couldn't place him. As I looked at him he returned my stare then averted his eyes guiltily. He knew who I was! At that point I knew who he was. WOW. Now I knew why everything was falling into place. My Uncle Bruce never had children. My father had ten brothers. All had married and had children. Uncle Bruce was married once, briefly, but divorced and never had children. Maybe Uncle Bruce was gay? I'll never know but it seems so. By the way, all during my childhood I was never, NEVER sexually abused by ANYONE. My Uncle Bruce used to babysit me, because he lived with us after both his parents (my grandparents) died while he was still a teenager and going to school. After hearing all these child abuse stories these days by priests, teachers, and family members I guess I should consider myself lucky because no one even came close to sexually abusing me. And I was a cute kid! At least I thought I was.
Well, now I'm listening to MSNBC now because the Georgia Grand Jury just released the indictment of The Criminal Donald J. Drumf (his real last name, like everything else about Trump, "Trump" isn't his real last name of course). I'm distracted now so I'll pick up on this blog later.
But I want to wish my friend Tony well with his new blog, "Reflection Of An Old Homo." Same here friend Tony!
9 comments:
Hi Ron--thank you for sharing, and commenting on, my new blog. I appreciate it! I start new blogs as a way to have different places to write about different things, so obviously this one is going to be about looking back, but also looking forward from where I have been. I hope you enjoy it, and thank you again for the shout out. Old Homos, reflect!
Hey Tony! Great to hear from you. It's been way too long. Hopefully we can meet up again soon in the future in that wonderful city you live in, LA! I can't go anywhere now because I'm Bill's full caregiver but should that come to an end (Bill is 94 now), Pat and I are on our way back to LA. I think it's been four years since we were last there and maybe five or six years since we saw you. You know what what really be nice? If we could bring Spo and Someone with us. You would like Michael and Dave, both fantastic guys!
Looking forward to reading your new blog. Be well friend!
Ron
Ivy Green,
Actually I was a very shy kid as was my Mother but under that personality she had, there was an iron will to succeed. I guess I inherited that characteristic from her. Thank you for your comment.
Ron
I know alot of old homos, and a few 30 somethings, who have been doing quite a bit of reflecting these days. I know I have been. I think we all are learning some things about ourselves we just never took the time to reflect upon. I know I personally have been giving alot of thought to things in the past because of my declining health and loss of so many loved ones. Burying three husbands hasn't been easy either. I have been doing alot of archiving of my family and ancestors photos. I have similar worries like you have Ron about identifying and preserving photos and documents. I have been busy creating new albums usings archival quality materials so as to prevent further aging and to preserve them. I also have been making copies in various formats so that they have a good chance of surviving long into the future. I am also preparing an outline of documented historical family events and those of my own adventures in life. I will use that when I sit down and record in my own voice my life and the recollections of oral histories I have had passed down to me. It is tough on me, and I imagine the same for many others, to be the last surviving member of an old branch of a family tree. And to top that off the only one who seems to give a flying fig. I have close to 10,000 distant 4th to 10th cousins who profess that they care about the actual documented history of our family BUT THEY DON"T. Ancestry and other genealogical research websites hype their ability to find out who you are but I think it is just a passing fad. I have been doing genealogy research for myself and others for 40+ years and it is a passion of mine. I will finish up my research and save it and make it available to future serious researchers. I wonder how many other researchers will contribute a reflection upon their being a homosexual to their family trees. Cudos to Tony for his Refleections Of An Old Homo. And Ron thank you for pointing out to bloggers how important it is and how careful you must be in this day and age when mentioning a surname when recalling an incident from real life. You can be sued! You might claim the unintentional use of a surname but some opportunist will not believe it and take your money to the bank. Ron I too have been watching closely the saga of Donald J.Trump. Nasty bastard that man is. I watch the Meidas Touch channel on YouTube. I also follow along on other sites reporting what seems to be reliable information. Well I need to get off my high horse and go enjoy this 71 degree sunny and breezy afternoon while it lasts. Be careful, be safe, Be Happy! So sayeth Woody in SW Ohio
Greetings Ron,
Yes, I am afraid WE are old homos these days. I have to think twice that I am 66. I know I am not 30 but I don't like the sound of 66. I am fit and have no real medical issues to speak of. Hell, I just got back from the gym. Today is weight day and after my weights, I like to walk o the treadmill for about 3 miles as an added bonus. Tomorrow is Cardo. I run 4 miles. I do this routine about 6 days a week. If anything I wish I was about 40-45 with what I know now. I would be hell on wheels.
I always knew I was gay from the age of around 5-there about. I didn't think too far to the point of sex BUT I knew I loved the company of men. As I got older those feelings became ever present but I just didn't know how to go about getting the deed done. I never dated in high school. I just never had the desire to. My father questioned my sexuality when I was around 18/19. He was wondering why I didn't go to any proms or dated. It is safe to surmise that I have never had sex with a woman. God no!! Of course, I denied I was gay. That was not a topic of discussion with a man who has never taken an interest in my life. A person who gets up every day to see how controlling he can be. No thank-you. I will pass.
My first sexual experience was around 26 years old. I too had my first experience with a married man-from my church. He was in his 30's. He was married with 3 kids under the age of 10. He was an officer in the military. Now let me be clear, he came on to me. I turned him down. Then I realized that is what I wanted. I woke his ass up and the rest is history. There was never any talk of asking if I was gay or me inquiring about him. I wish there was. I liked the man and he was always nice to me. He was from the South and a sweet soul.
I was fondled by an assistant school principal in the 8th grade. I wasn't traumatized or anything. It just happened and brought into focus that I like the men. I was also fondled by my uncle around this time as well. The events have not turned my inside-out running to therapy. But my acceptance of the events could be a deeper meaning. Lord knows I need therapy for other things.
Yes, we are old homos and have the scars of life to show for it. I hope the younger generation realizes they have a friend in the older generation. A lot of older gays can be of guidance to the younger folks. We want to make them aware of the landmines of life. Granted there are a few dirty old men out there who want to take advantage of the younger guys. The topic of sugar daddies we will save for another day. All I am saying is that the younger teenagers/men should not shut us out. We have a lot to offer. I say know your history.
Have a great rest of the week.
Best of health,
Victor
XXOO
Victor,
You just made me think about and to reflect on the landmark gay events that have taken place in our life times. The Stonewall Riots back in the summer 1969 is the landmark event that made me start to realize that fighting for equality was not just "the black man"s struggle" but was a homo's and lesbian's struggle as well. Acceptance, Liberation, and Equality for homosexuals was making it's way to the fore front. Homosexuals were tired of being closeted and hiding and meeting in back rooms of bars, basements, toilets, bus depots, alleys, in the bushes and dunes. Times were a changing. Men and women were fighting in Vietnam for something no one really knew what it was. Men were coming back from a war and were searching for answers. Men were discovering their sexuality and a thing called PTSD. Comfort was being found in man-man sex. It was a crazy time. Then in the midst of "free love" came the "gay cancer". Vic it has been a long 50+ years of discovery and acceptance and I am afraid it may just be the beginning of another upheaval and struggle for equality and civil rights. Thank you for making me stop and reflect on the state of homosexuality in the USA and Globally. Enjoy your day and I will do the same. Peace.
Woody,
"Sp safety Woody in Ohio"....always good to hear from you my friend! I too am planning on scanning all my remaining photos before I die and also doing an oral history much like you plan to do. I don't have anyone in my immediate family interested in my family history but I'm confident there will be someone like me in the future who will appreciate my effort in recording my family history the way I experienced and lived it. Once we're gone, so much is lost. And I have a wealth of information as you do, to share with that person or persons in the future.
So safety Ron in Delaware
Victor,
I am always interested in other gay men's history. The story of their life. Most of those men knew they were gay at a very young age but didn't know what to do about it. Like you, I knew I liked and I mean really LIKED the company of being around some men. I remember when my Mother's step sister brought around her new boyfriend "Spike" (real name Clyde which I found out later). I was only about eleven years old at the time and I think he was eighteen. When I was introduced to hi by Aunt Ruthie (his soon to be wife) I was gobstuck. I literally couldn't talk. I never met in person a man as handsome as he was then. Of course I had seen very handsome men on the movie screen but never in person. And the really special thing about Spike, was that he was totally unaware of his good looks. He was and still is a genuinely nice guy even though he's in a facility now. His wife died some year ago and I heard his mental capabilities are failing. But I will always remember the first time I met him and how much in awe I was of his extreme handsomeness.
I was never in doubt of my sexuality, it was just something it was. I always knew I wanted to meet the Man of My Life. And of course I did even if it was a circuitous way of meeting him and living my life with Bill.
As I said in my post I am doubly blessed because I have lived the past fifty-nine years with a loving and caring partner who let me live a life of freedom. And now at the end of my life I've had the privilege of a friendship and relationship with the man who will hold my hand when I take my last breath. Hopefully we can get in a few more trips before I pass the Rainbow Bridge.
Thank you as always Vic for your comments.
Ron
Such eyes! What a delightful photo this is !
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