Reflections On An Old Man Sleeping In A Chair

 

Bill with his electric blanket staying warm

This morning I read a blog post by my longtime blogger friend "Spo" of "Spo-Reflections." 

His post this morning was about watching his father asleep in his chair. This week is "Spo's" turn (he and his brothers take turns caregiving for their 85 year old father) to watch after his father. See HERE for his blog posting. 

Reading his blog post is prompting me to write my own blog post about my situation of watching "An Old Man Sleeping In a Chair." That old man would be my partner and husband of fifty-seven years. 

Bill spends sixteen to eighteen hours a day in his chair, mostly sleeping. 

He has two recliners. One in his bedroom in which he sleeps in (see the photo of him covered with his full length electric blanket at the beginning of this post). His other recliner is in our sunroom where he spends most of his daylight hours.

Bill doesn't get undressed for bed. However I do undress him every morning to change his Depends and every third day is Shower Day, which he hates. This morning was Shower Day. 

Like Spo's father, Bill is always cold. ALWAYS. Even now that he is off the blood thinner Eliquis, he's still cold. For a while we had a space heater in his downstairs bedroom that we constantly had to adjust to keep his room somewhere between 80 and 90 degrees. That was very expensive last summer when we also had the air conditioning on. 

This year, thank goodness Bill has gotten used to the full length electric blanket which I tuck around his neck before I put him to bed at "night" which is usually around 6:30 PM. He gets up when I get up in the morning somewhere between 7 AM and 8 AM. 

Other than his breakfast of oatmeal in the morning, Ensure or a chocolate milk for lunch, and more oatmeal for dinner followed by a pudding (Bill has no teeth and has trouble swallowing), Bill sleeps most of the day. The one exception is when I take him for his daily ride. Sometimes I kill two birds with the "daily ride." Yesterday I visited my dermatologist which resulted in a quarter sized blister on my right foot to remove a stubborn skin abnormality (third time trying this). I am now limping around in pain from the blister. But that's another whole avenue that I'm not going to traverse right now. 

Bill is legally blind (macular degeneration). He is hard of hearing. His cognitive abilities are decreasing. Yesterday he got confused during his morning walk around the neighborhood cul de sac and I had to retrieve him from our next door neighbor's garage which Bill insisted was our house (oh the embarrassment). Sometimes Bill get the wrong driveway but this was the first time he insisted he was in the right garage (he wasn't). 

Bill in our neighbor's garage yesterday reluctant to leave because he thought it was our garage

Bill has always worked on "projects". Sometimes now, actually most of the time, get frustrated and dejected saying "I'm a worthless piece of shit! I'm good for nothing." I have to calm him down and reassure him is not "worthless" and after a lifetime of hard work it is now time for him to rest. But that is not in his nature.

Several months ago he asked for a small radio so he could listen to the news. I ordered a transistor radio from Amazon. Bill couldn't operate it because he can't see the dials. He didn't use it. Prior to this he was using his old radio in his basement workshop but I had to stop him from using it because he was going to break the tape player. That radio is a combination radio/tape player that you can't get anyone. He pushes any buttons and usually ended up using the "Pause" button and then the "Play" button which will eventually break the belt that runs the tape player, something he's done to another tape/radio player we have. I thought the transistor radio would work for him but no.

A few weeks ago I got the idea to order an Echo Dot for him, much like Spo's father has one. I thought that would work for him. Well, it "sort of" works. For one he was having trouble pronouncing "Alexa" to start the darn thing. He would say "A-LEX-E-A". Poor Echo Dot couldn't that explanation. Now I say "A-LEX-A" for him to start the contraption. 

Bill like to listen to the news. I say "Alexa, current news headlines." Guess what" ALEXA DEFAULTS TO THE LOCAL FOX NEWS STATION! 

WTF????????

I've tried  "NBC News" but no go. I can get CBS news but there is a lot of mumbling guests and fast talking women anchors that Bill can't understand. The Fox News is good on the headlines for about two minutes then it digresses in to it's usual treasonous propaganda format. I refuse to let what is left of Bill's brain after his two stroke, be brainwashed by a news station that is so unAmerican as Fox News whose sole format is to demonize anything Democrats even attempt to do and favor the Orange God King Traitor Criminal who was the former president. Ain't going to let that happen in this house folks. 

I've put music on but Bill can only take so much of his favorite German polka music and I can't listen to my MSNBC TV station because we're both in the space open kitchen/sun room/living room space. So most days Bill is nodding off in his chair in the sunroom or listening to my truth telling station of MSNBC and don't anyone dare to leave a "Both sides do it" comment. That bullshit and you know it. There is only one propaganda Putin loving station in this country and it's Fox News.

I'm contemplating looking for a podcast that Bill would like but I have to do more research in that field since I've never listened to a podcast in my life. Isn't a podcast the same as a radio station except that's it's coming through the Internet? Yeah, that's what I thought. Sounds good if you're on a commute in your car or you disdain TV as being beneath your time. I listen to TV and occasionally watch it like "Judge Judy" because of the facial expressions. I also give my TV my sole attention when watching a Netflix rental movie but the rest of the time I have TV on it's while I'm doing something else like eating lunch, playing online Scrabble on my computer, composing a blog like I'm doing now, writing in my journal. So I guess you can say the bulk of my TV watching is actually like a podcast but with pictures. I was always a comic book type of guy anyway. 

But I digress, back to "The Sleeping Man In A Chair." 

I see the way Bill spends most of his day. As I have said many times before I am thankful that Bill is at home and I can care for him rather than a minimum wage health care worker in a nursing facility. I couldn't sleep at night knowing Bill was in one of those warehouses waiting death. Better that I can care for him in the comfort of his own home. And he deserves it for all that he has done for the many years we have been together.  This is hard work folks but it is a labor of love. I will always be thankful that Bill was returned to me and his home after his two consecutive stroke last January of 2021. 

Bill's hospice nurse for her weekly visit. Last week she asked me if I was Bill's only "son." HA! Much to her shock and embarrassment I informed her that I was Bill's husband. I should have told her I was Bill's grandson.

Of course I've given plenty of thought to my situation should I reach Bill's age. I'm eighty now, not that far away from Spo's father's age of eighty-five. Like Spo, I probably won't have anybody to be my caregiver. Nor do I want to put someone in that position. Pat? He's my good friend and we enjoy our trips together but do I really want to do that to him? No I don't. I don't want to put anyone in that position of changing my Depends every day and showering me every third day, nor prepare my oatmeal and give me my pills and take me out for my daily ride. I'm not criticizing others for choosing that path. I also wouldn't choose the path my recently deceased brother choose, medical treatments for over three year and over five hundred medical appointments to lose his life from "the cure" (chemotherapy). John went through Hell for three years. Absolutely no quality of life. His choice though, not one I would choose. 

I have options should I reach that state of my life. Delaware is still debating the assisted suicide law and probably will be for the next twenty years, that's how squeamish most Americans are about having the choice to end their life in dignity and free of pain. Even if they do enact the law, which I doubt, there would be so many hurdles to jump over, that it wouldn't be worth the effort to even try. What we do for our aged and suffering animals we don't seem to be able to do for our fellow human beings who are suffering or who have decided they have lived long enough and want to check out.

I only have to find out how many pain killer pills to take to effect a successful end of life. Then there is the trip to Belgium, they offer a solution that doesn't require unreasonable obstacles for that Final Decision. Nothing violent for me like hanging or gun in the mouth. Too messy , traumatic or painful and if nothing else I am neat and organized about things in my life including the End. One thing is for sure, no nursing home for me. You won't see me drugged up and nodding my head off in the Final Exit Manor. I just hope that if and when that time comes I will still posses enough of my wits to make that decision. 

I've mentioned this subject (death) before and my friend Spo always responds with "You'll outlive us all!" I hope I do folks, I actually hope I do. But it won't be as an Old Man Sleeping In A Chair." 

Now if you'll excuse me it's time for my afternoon nap.