Balls Out

 

How is that for a blog title to get your attention? 

First of all, a warning because this post is exactly what the title says. It is not about checking ballrooms. 

This morning I had an appointment for an ultra sound of my um, testicles. 

Annually I check in with my urologist because of my past history with prostate cancer (2013) and my numerous bouts with kidney stones (four operations and at least eight emergency room visits during the passing of a kidney stone.  Aren't I lucky? Most of my medical procedures seem to involve the areas below my waist. 

My first operation was for a hernia when I was seventeen years old. That one didn't turn out well because I contacted a staph infection from which I almost died. Six months in and out of the hospital and two more operations, the staph infection was finally cleared.

I've since had six colonoscopies (history of colon cancer in my family). My last colonoscopy my doctor advised me to get one every three years which I am due this year but probably won't get it because the hospitals are busy with COVID patients.

A few years ago I tore my left quadricep leg muscle and had an operation to tie that muscle back together. Remember that one? I do, I'll never forget it. That was a medical procedure below my waist that I didn't have to display my nether regions, thank goodness. A rare occasion. And oh, I have had hemorrhoids operated on, twice. Oh yes, I've had the whole panoply of medical attention below my waist. 

Now to this morning's visit. My urologist asked me during my visit Friday "Anything else bothering you?" I mentioned to him that occasionally my right testicle felt a little sore.  I've had this my whole life ever since I landed on my bicycle seat a little too fast when I was a paper boy when I was ten years old. I at first hesitated saying even telling him about it since that was sixty-nine years ago but what the heck? Might as well tell him about it.  He said "Let's have a look."  Here we go. Actually this was the first time my urologist "had a look" since the three years I've been seeing him. My previous urologist almost always had to "have a look" but this one hasn't until now. 

He checked out the area I told him there was a slight dull ache (on a pain scale of 1 to 10 this was maybe a 1 1/2 but there).  He felt something and thought it was a slight infection, although "infection" wasn't the word he used.  I can't remember the word but he prescribed an antibiotic.  That antibiotic seems to be working. The dull ache went away, but it came back. 

Then we come today. I was expecting to have an X-ray. Lay on the table, pantless and the gown on.  Oh no, this was an ULTRA-SOUND.  You know, the jelly on the "part."  I've had previous ultra sounds on my stomach. Remember how those were? Cold jelly on your warm stomach. Now today I got that cold jelly on my.....yes....testicles. Now here was a new experience.  Who applied it?  Sure, a very attractive woman. Why not?  I just hope she doesn't turn up as a future hotel guest. I was very thankful it wasn't an attractive young man.

Last week I was having a conversation with my younger brother who has been through quite a few medical procedures this past year. Some of those medical procedures involved his nether regions included inserting a stint in his penis (I've had that too).  He told me he had a problem with the very attractive young lady who performed that procedure (he got aroused).  Not me. While I wasn't comfortable with a woman or anyone handing that area of my body, I don't get aroused in those circumstances. 

This is how it went. She told me to remove my "bottom clothes". Gave me two small towels. Fold one up and put them under my testicles. Put my penis on my stomach and cover it with the other towel. Pull the sheet up to my exposed testicles. Sound like fun?  No but manageable. 

She knocked on the door. "Ready?" I was, or as ready as I would ever be. 

She came in and applied the jelly to you know where. Surprisingly the jelly wasn't cold. Then because the examination which seemed to take a LONG time but actually was probably only five minutes. And for good measure she checked out my left testicle. Why not? Might as well while down there.

Then it was over. She said "You can clean yourself up and go out by the exit."  Sort of sound sexual doesn't it? It wasn't.  I cleaned as much of that ultra-sound jelly off as possible and exited. I almost went out the wrong exit, an emergency exit to the parking lot (in the pouring rain yet, no sunny day for this procedure).  I thought perhaps this exit was because I had shamed myself with this examination. But no, she saw my near error and directed me towards the proper exit.....out the front door.

And that was MY day. How was yours?