Entering Canada March 22, 2024

Good Friday folks!

I'm back!  This time last week Pat and I made the six plus hour journey from Philadelphia to Canada.

So much has happened since Pat came down to Delaware to visit me here at Casa Tipton-Kelly.

Pat arrived here late Sunday December 17th. He rented a white Ford Edge suv which was the perfect vehicle for his nine hour plus trip from Canada, down through New York state and the length of central Pennsylvania (Pat took the scenic route) to Lower Slower Delaware where I live. 

Pat stayed here Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday during which we ate out every day. The first being the Purple Parrot

Sunday St. Patrick's dinner at the Purple Parrot in Rehoboth Beach. A leprechaun was our server but that was the last good thing about this visit. Oh, the French Fries were good. The rest, not so much.

in Rehoboth Beach which was a disaster. Our restaurant visits only got better after that disastrous visit. Poorly prepared food and overpriced drinks. 

Thursday we left to spend a night in Philadelphia visiting our friend Don M. in center city Philly. I haven't seen Don in person since COVID and caretaking for Bill. 

Pat (on the right) visiting out friend Don M. at his co-op apartment in Center City Philadelphia. Pat and I stayed overnight in the guest suite.

Friday morning we left for Canada. I always wanted to take that long (nine hour) road trip with Pat back to his home in downtown Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. Originally I had suggested that we cut the trip in half, only drive for four hours or so then take in a hotel room about the half way point. But Pat wanted to make the whole trip at once and turn in his rented Ford Edge suv. As it turned out the trip wasn't as arduous as Pat and I had feared because the Ford Edge was and is a very comfortable vehicle. 

A big plus on this trip was that I had a wonderful scenic road trip. We avoided the main highways and took the older roads. I got a chance for the first and probably last time to ride through many small towns in Pennsylvania and New York state. All my life I've lived either in or near Philadelphia or the other end of the state in Pittsburgh and now Delaware. I rarely visited the central body of Pennsylvania and never New York state. I enjoyed the ride thoroughly and especially with Pat because he is such good company. We did stop once at a Burger King in on of the small towns in upper New York State. Their was hardly anybody in Burger King that sunny noontime Friday.  The older woman who served us our food was friendly and funny. And the hamburger was good as I've always found Burger King hamburgers to be. I'm not a fast food kind of guy. I've always thought the McDonald's hamburgers tasted like cardboard and their French Fries to small. Burger King charbroils their hamburgers, that's a taste I like. The Purple Parrot in Rehoboth Beach used to charbroils their hamburgers but not the night I was there. It was a cold, tasteless shoe leather with wilted lettuce and a cold slab of cheese. Oh Purple Parrot what happened to you? But I digress.

After our lunchtime pit stop in that small upper New York State town we got back in our Ford Edge for the last leg of our epic journey to The Land North, Canada.  By the way, upper New York State has lots of wind turbines which I loved seeing slowly turning, just like the ones as we enter Palm Springs.

Then guess what happened? SNOW!  Yep, snow storm! Oh joy. Welcome to Canada. 

We were held up on the QE2 "Expressway" for over an hour an a half for a snow related accident. What a mess!  But we were finally in Canada. 

I haven't been in Canada for (I think) five years. I used to go every year but with COVID and caregiving for Bill, time just slipped away. 

I was glad to be "home" again even though I had to pay an atrocious amount for health insurance for just my five day stay in Canada. How's $184 sound? That's because I'm so old. 

Next blog posting I'll write about my stay in Canada. I just returned yesterday. One thing, it was cold the whole time I was in Canada, really cold and windy. On my previous visits to Canada to visit Pat were always in the late summer or early fall. This was the first time I got to experience Canadian Cold. 

In case you were wondering, yes, Pat's visit first to Delaware and now his home in Canada was the perfect antidote to me to help my with my grieving for missing Bill. I felt I was slipping further and further into melancholy here at Casa Tipton-Kelly with Bill no longer residing here with me. I needed to get away. Big time I needed this. And Pat came to my rescue. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this little guy from Canada. I am truly blessed to have him as a friend. 

Pat and me in Hamilton, Ontario Canada March 23, 2024, Pat's home. Most of the snow was gone by the next day. That snowstorm as we entered Canada the previous day was my "Welcome to Canada."

Pat Has Arrived!

 

Pat and me at the Purple Parrot in Rehoboth Beach Sunday evening

Oh my goodness folks, Pat has arrived. He arrived late Sunday afternoon, just as dusk was falling. 

His trip was a little over nine hours. He was afraid he would be tired and grumpy after his long trip but he wasn't. He attributed his well being to the Ford Edge SUV he rented. He said it was sooo comfortable.

Finally, Casa Tipton-Kelly has another living being here to make this house a home. Oh how wonderful it was!  And who better to make it a home than sweet and gentle Pat. 

We went out to the Purple Parrot for dinner, which was a disaster (terrible over priced food) but it was so good to see Pat again and to get out and enjoy life. I was getting so morose. Dangerously so that at times I just wanted to end it all. 

Since Pat has been here life has been a whirlwind of activity. So much to do. Too much to relate here now because I want to take a nap and get ready for the Tipton Cinema tonight, at which I will have company. I haven't been watching movies myself lately, since Bill passed because I just couldn't get into it. But since Pat is here, I have a new life. A reason to look forward to many more adventures with my good friend Pat. We do so enjoy each other's company. Even when things don't go as they should. Like this afternoon we spent almost two hours waiting to get my driver's license renewed only to find out that was all wasted time because I was there too early. But it's all good, whenever Pat and I do things together, even when things go awry we laugh it off as "There goes two hours we'll never get back."

The other night we watch "Ted II". Normally that's a movie I wouldn't watch because I'm not a Mark Wahlberg fan and I don't usually like that kind of gross humor but watching the movie with Pat, it was fun. I enjoy what he enjoys. 

We've hit a couple of restaurants, the worst being the aforementioned Purple Parrot but some other good ones like Nectar (one of our favorites) and a new one today Zaza Cafe in Milton. It is so nice to out again and enjoy life. 

Pat also put together my new stand up desk. I hate to assemble things but Pat is good at it. We do work good as a team. 

We spend a couple more days here then we're off to Philly to visit out friend Don then to Pat's home in Canada. I'll try and keep up but I might not. Too busy enjoying life again. 

By the way, Pat brought me the nicest poem in memory of Bill that he framed. I put it in Bill's bedroom along with his ashes, flag and other personal items of Bill which I am not removing from his bedroom. I wish to keep his room as it was when he left. I will always love Bill and I will always have fond memories of our life together. Bill did tell me shortly before he left that he wanted me to enjoy my life with Pat. That was Bill's love for me. I am so fortunate to have had Bill in my life and now Pat. 

I have hope folks, after a very dark period after Bill's death I have hope. However long I have left, I know my remaining days will be happy with this wonderful man from Canada, the kind and sweet gentleman named Pat.

Company Is Coming!

 Casa Tipton-Kelly is getting company.

Pat is driving down from his home in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada this Sunday to visit yours truly.

I tell you I could use some company. This old house has been much too quiet since Bill died. Sometimes I can hardly stand it. I think I'm going good then I'll see something that reminds me of Bill and I'm setback. Yesterday that reminder was his tie dyed colored Crocs. His "outside shoes." I half expect Bill to come through the door at anytime to try and put on his Crocs. He had trouble the last few years because of his eyesight and cognitive decline. I often had to help him put them on his feet. 

I had another reminder of Bill yesterday. I mowed our grass for the first time this season. Bill liked to sit on our back deck and watch me mow circles in our almost acre back yard. I would often wave to him as I swung by close to our back deck where he would sit. Sadly, his chair is empty now. 

Over the past three years while I was taking care of Bill, helping him take a shower, dressing him, taking care of his wounds, administering his medications, preparing his food for him; I had imagined what life would be like when I could just get up in the morning and only take care of myself. Now I'm there and to be truthful, I miss taking care of Bill. One thing I will be forever grateful for though is that I had the opportunity to take care of Bill. I had two wishes in my lifetime was that my Mother would never go into a healthcare facility (she didn't, my late brother and his wife took care of her) or Bill would have to spend his final days in one of those facilities. Taking care of Bill wasn't actually that bad until the last two and a half weeks of his life. It got rough then folks and again I will be forever grateful that hospice came to our rescue so Bill could pass peacefully. My new routine of just taking care of myself in the morning is going to take some getting used to.

Pat's visit will be good for me. Get my mind off of poor me and taking steps towards my new life without Bill. I feel that Bill is somewhere now where he is very happy and finally unburdened with all his ailments during the last three years of his life.  

Still Struggling

 Just when I thought I was ready to move on the reality of the rest of my life without Bill hits me  square in the face.

Yesterday, while cleaning out our garage I happened to see his outside crocs near the door. Those are the crocs he wore when he went for his walks outside. The last several months of his life he didn't walk outside, he was too weak. 

When I see reminders like those crocs he wore and sometimes had so much trouble getting on, just to please me, it feels like a stab in my heart. 

There will always be reminders in this house of all the years Bill and I have lived here. Bill loved his home. He liked nothing better than to be at home with me, working on his projects. 

I realize now how the last three  years of Bill's life were so difficult for him. He couldn't do his projects. He couldn't see. He wanted to do more but because of his physical weakness he just couldn't. He often said he was just staying around because of me. He knew, perhaps more than I did, just how much I needed him in my life.

For three years I was his caregiver. There were times I wanted a break. Something which I feel guilty about now. But now that I'm not his caregiver, I realize how much I liked being his caregiver. I liked taking care of my Bill. I miss not having him to care for now. 

I was going to clear out his bedroom after he passed. I decided not to. Why should I? There is no rush. Perhaps sometime in the future I will clear out his bedroom but for now I will leave it as when he last slept in it. The box containing his ashes are down there. I no longer feel his presence in his bedroom as I did the first week of his passing. However, I still feel a sense of comfort when I am in his bedroom. The green light on his hearing aids shine brightly on his charger. 

Yesterday the temperatures outside were in the low seventies. I laid a couple wheelbarrows of mulch. My neighbor is stopping by at one o'clock this afternoon to help me change the oil in my John Deere riding tractor. The daffodils are in full bloom and the grass is starting to grow again. In the past Bill would have changed the oil. I make apple pies, I don't change oil. I'm learning new skills though. 

Bill would have loved to see all these daffodils in bloom. Because of his macular degeneration he couldn't see out of the center of his eyes but he could see peripheral vision. He would be able to see the bright yellow of the daffodils. 

I'm told and I read that the grieving process takes time. I've also heard that one never totally gets over grieving for a loved one but eventually comes to accept that loss. I am feeling that, I have accepted that Bill will never come back. That big empty hole in my life will never be completely filled. 

The one comfort that I have now is that Bill is no longer suffering. He struggled so much during the last three years of his life and especially the last three days. His struggles are over. Mine continue. I knew I would miss him but I had no idea I would miss him this much. 

Ron's Health Check Update

Bill's shelf in our refrigerator. He only drank apple cider, loved whipped cream and chocolate milk. What do I do with these items now? Reminders of Bill all around Casa Tipton-Kelly

 Today I completed the last of two of my annual followups for health conditions my doctors have been monitoring.

Tuesday I saw my hematologist. Three years ago I had a bone marrow test (that was fun) to test my white blood cell count. My VA nurse practitioner thought I was border line for blood cancer. Last year I had a followup with my hematologist doctor. This year, after checking my labs he said "I don't want to see you again."  I told him "I like you Dr. D but that's good news that I don't have to see you again."

This morning I had my annual checkup (EKG) with my cardiologist. I've been seeing him for ten years now. The last few years he was monitoring a aneurysm that I had. Last year he said it mysteriously disappeared. Today, after checking my EKG results, he told me I'm doing fine and he'll see me again next year. He did remind me to keep exercising by walking which I will do as soon as I finish typing this blog.

How is my mental health doing during my grieving process for Bill? I'm still grieving but I feel more acceptance now. Especially since I now have the feeling that Bill's spirit has left Casa Tipton-Kelly after hanging around for about a week to make sure I didn't do something foolish. I did feel his presence but no longer. I feel that he is very happy now wherever his spirit is.

A few nights ago I was having a conversation with my friend Glenn M. of Palm Springs. Glenn had lost his long time partner Michael W. three years ago. His partner was a longtime follower of my blog. We have been consoling each other ever since three years ago when I received a card from Glenn telling me of Michael's passing. Glenn has been literally a life saver in helping me cope and I helping him cope. He told me that even after three years he still misses his Michael. We discussed about what happens when we die and Glenn brought up the theory that "there is something bigger" where our soul or spirit goes. That seems to make more sense to me than the old Heaven and Hell trope that's been force fed to the masses over the ages by organized religion to keep them in line. Glenn told me that "life is a lesson." I understand that because I've often thought we keep coming back to life in different forms and learn until we get it right. I think that is Buddhist thinking. 

What I do know now is that I that same level of comfort that those who have experienced a near death moment and have come back to life. I don't know if I'm just psyching myself out or what, but this is working for me. Of course I miss Bill terribly and will the rest of my life. After all I spent my whole adult life with Bill. And now I'm going solo. I am so thankful I have Pat. Pat isn't Bill but he is a good friend. A friend of this old man. I think of others my age straight and gay who have lost their mate and have no one to finish out their life with. How awful that must be. I am so fortunate. 

This morning while discussing Bill's death with my cardiologist he told me "You had fifty-nine good years with him. Think of that. You have your memories and now you're healthy enough for many more good years." I do like my cardiologist. He is right. I am so fortunate. 

Time for my walk now before it gets dark. Even with daylight savings time now in effect, darkness still falls every day. Just at a later time. 

 

Life Continue To Go On

Bill with "Joshua", a friend's son. Little kids loved Bill. He should have been a dad.

 Two weeks now since bill's passing and I think I'm going to make it. 

To be totally open, I had my doubts there for a while right after Bill died. I felt out of world. Part of that feeling was the total exhaustion I felt from the last three weeks before Bill passed. I got very little sleep and was stretched to beyond what I was capable both physically and mentally of caring for Bill. Thank God that one of the hospice nurses recognized what was happening to me and took steps to admit Bill in the hospice center. What a Godsend that hospice center was, not only for me but for Bill. He could not have received better care anywhere on this planet than he did at that hospice center. Nor could I. They let me talk, and talk, and talk. God bless them.

I'm slowly returning to the reality of life without Bill. I've been reading two pamphlets written by another survivor of a long term gay relationship. Every statement he makes about recovering from the worst loss one could have in one's life, is what I have discovered on my own. 

Don't feel guilty. Go on with your life. Which is what I did today.

I filed my taxes. The next to last joint return I will fill with Bill. Question, since Bill died February 24th of 2024, do I check the "Married" box on my tax return next year?

Again, this year Bill and I didn't have to pay any taxes. We are of modest means. Before we were officially married I always had to pay taxes. All those years Bill and I lived together and filed separate returns. Just think of all the money we could have saved if we had filed joint married returns? Oh well, I guess I'll go back to paying taxes again next year. I might not though. I just have three small bank pensions and my Social Security which I collected early and which Medicare Part B takes out $199 a month for my "free" Medicare. I hope I can get my job back at the hotel again to help supplement my income. 

More of "getting back to my life", I cleaned all the sunroom and living room blinds and windows. I got so enthused that latter in the day I attacked the four windows in my bedroom. Alas, I had an accident. I was just too ambitious. I put the bucket of Pinesol infused hot water on my suitcase which was on a bench and it promptly spilled on my wall to wall carpeted bedroom floor! I immediately put towels down to soak up as much of that water as I could then I got the master blower out of the basement that I used on my basement media room when I had an outside leak. That machine has been running for six hours how. Most of the rug is dry. However, there is a slight water stain on the ceiling below in the media room. Thank goodness it was clean water. The fresh smell of pine is everywhere. That was pure stupidity on my part placing that bucket of water on my rounded suitcase.

Did I tell you I got my return airplane ticket when I leave Canada? The ticket for one way cost as much as the round-trip ticket when I last visited Canada five years ago. I used my air miles so the trip didn't post me anything except the $31 I'm paying for a seat with extra leg room. Two inches more. Doesn't sound like much but it does make a difference. I also purchased insurance (medical and flight) for my trip. The cost of that ($189) surprised me but then I realized I'm an OLD MAN. Yep, I could fall down anytime and I have. It's worth it though. This is probably the last trip I will make to Canada or any foreign country for that matter. Too much stress and aggravation. I'll renew my passport though, it's up this year. Just in case. I'll still take trips with Pat, there are more than enough places to visit right here in the states. Places I've been meaning to visit for all my life but somehow never got around to it. I'm one of those coastal guys. Spent my whole three years in the Army on the East Coast. Then when I finally do take trips I've only been to Provincetown, Massachusetts and Los Angeles and Palm Springs, California. Oh yes, once I won a trip to Disney World in Florida. That was fun but very humid and I was there in April of 2000. Twenty-four years ago! I'm always amazed at how fast time goes by. Twenty-four years from now I'll just be a memory. And maybe, just maybe I'll be with Bill again.

I Can See Clearly Now

 

Bill in Pennsauken New Jersey, 1966 - our first "home."

Each day is better than the previous day. Sure, I still miss Bill. I miss him a lot and I guess I always will for the rest of my life. But I feel I'm entering a different phase of my grieving and acceptance now.

For fifty-nine years Bill has always "been there" for me. When he was away on a job assignment for months, he always came home to me. When I was away on those many one, two or three-week vacations I took to Provincetown, Palm Springs, Canada or Philadelphia, I always knew he was at home, waiting for me to return.

All those years I commuted from Downingtown to Philadelphia for my job at the bank where I worked many years, Bill was always at the train station waiting for me to take me to our home. 

All those times of our temporary separation, when we would be together again we would share our stories. And I would catch up on the mail, one of the more mundane aspects of our separation. For you see Bill was our home handyman and I was the home house manager. We had an ideal partnership in sharing a life and a home together. If I needed something fixed around the house, Bill did it. A new sunroom? Bill would build it. How about a new brick wall in front of our house? Bill would build it. 

Grass needed mowed? Bill mowed the grass. I accidentally put my foot through the ceiling above the kitchen sink while roaming around in our attic? Bill would fix the hole my leg created and drywall it. Or dry ceiling it. 

Bill could do anything around the house except cook and manage the bills to keep Casa Tipton-Kelly going. And, this is the biggie, Bill was my constant loving husband. His love for me never wavered. Not once in fifty-nine years.

Bill didn't want to leave me but yet he was so exhausted and just couldn't push his ninety-five year old body any further. He not only didn't want to leave me because he loved me but because he always felt the need to protect me. 

I didn't love Bill when I firsts moved in with him in February of 1965. I liked him, he was a friend. But over the years I grew to love him only to realize that I loved him when I was going to leave him once over some inconsequential argument. I don't even remember now what the argument was about. But when I told him I was leaving, he paused at what he was doing at that time which I think was digging a trench for the water runoff at our property in Pennsylvania. He looked the ground then slowly raised his head and with his eyes looking directly at me he said "Please don't leave me."  Then  I realized "What was I thinking? I can't leave him. I would never be about to sleep at night not knowing where he was and how he was managing his life. For you see, that's when I realized that I was Bill's whole life and he was my whole life. How foolish I was!

From that time on I never again considered leaving him, for any reason. Even when he had his strokes over three years ago and eventually became a shell of the person he once was. Even though his body began to fail him his love for me never did. He loved me right up to his last breath on February 24, 2024 at approximately 12:30 AM early Saturday morning. 

I am lonely now. Profoundly lonely. But I will go on with whatever years I have left. 

I do not fear death. I never have really but now even more so, because I know one of two options will happen when I too pass on from this life. Either I will descend into a bottomless, black void or I will be reunited with Bill's soul. Either way I win because this sadness, pain, and sense of loss I feel now will end. 

Until that time comes, I am taking Bill's advice he gave me a few weeks before he died. He said he felt "different." He said "something's happening." Then he said he wanted me to enjoy my life and he was glad Pat was in my life. He said what he so often said all the years we were together, "I want you to be happy Ron." 

I will do my best to live out my life doing things I like and "be happy." But I will never be as happy as I was with my life with Bill. Bill, my rock. My steady force. My protector. 

All Bill ever wanted from life was for us to be together. He was a homebody.  He liked his projects. He liked flowers. He loved his dogs. But most of all he just liked being with me and I with him. 

God bless you Bill, wherever you are now. If there is a God, I know we will be reunited when I die.